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post #61 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:38 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
I agree with everyone. STOP the A. But that doesn't mean you don't divorce also.

It gives YOU the choice. Ignoring until it's done removes your choice. Then the best you'll ever get is someone who had a PA if you decide to reconcile, and from what every BS has said, the images of this dude fvcking your W will be stuck in your head. Why would you want that, regardless of your decision about the marriage?

Stop being passive. Take charge,


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OK, somebody has to take the hit. It might as well be you!

I am so NOT PASSIVE that the mention of it in the written conversation here on TAM rattles my fillings.

Divorce is the only card on the table that I set for OP.

I absolutely do NOT WANT any possibility of reconciliation, "R".


I do not want her SHEEPISHLY EMBARRASSED like the rest of you do.

I want her humiliated like she is doing to him.

Her PRESSUMPTIVE bogus, boner-ride trip is the final nail in the coffin. She may back out of doing anything with POSOM.

This trip is HER last chance to undo the damage already done.

She does not deserve a last chance. She does not deserve any premature exposure. OP [should be] letting her go. Letting her seal her own fate.

Why does another hand [OP's] need to intervene?..... To halt her wayward ways.

I think some of the male posters who want immediate exposure cannot deal with the dirty truth.....she left, she f'd another man. Stop her! I cannot take this! YOU guys need to man up.

Let her soil her pants. It will bring OP permanent closure by looking at her permanent stain.


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #62 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:42 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Hire a PI

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post #63 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:44 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by MarriageEjected View Post
trying to read all the responses...and juggling a ton of work at the same time, stressing, hands trembling, havent eaten in a while, my blood pressure must be thru the roof.
As far as I know our marriage is great, thats the thing, what the hell is going on? we have good sex regularly, she doesnt work, has everything she wants, I cant comprehend it. In the past I have had a couple issues with her overspending and getting us in moderate debt w/o telling me, and I have had to bail us out twice with my stock options, thats about all the problems I have had with her and the last one was like 5 years ago.
The cell phone account is my own account with my own SSN, am not violating any company policy however am sure that what am doing would be frowned upon because I am using sensitive and proprietary company tools and means to gain access to this information.
I feel like I want to save the marriage, I am stumped by all of this, I keep asking myself what could I have done??? we have regular dates, we enjoy time together, I dont get along with her inlaws but thats not new.
I think am just going to confront her and tell her I grabbed her phone one night while she slept, I read that somewhere else....what should I expect her reaction to be? I feel like I might freeze up and not know how to react or say the right thing.....this is paralyzing to me
Maybe she is just a jerk. Which is mostly the case when this kind of stuff happens. People behave this way because they are broken and lack empathy. One of the great tells on this is if you go to SurvivingInfidelity.com and go to the Wayward section where the cheaters post, 99% of the people who post there, even when they feel bad for what they did to their spouse never even mention the person they cheated with's spouse. If it was a normal person besides the terrible things they did to the person who has dedicated their life to them, just being a decent person they would feel bad about the cheating partner's spouse. These people (who are the best of cheaters because they are posting trying to fix things right?) these posters never even once think about the spouse of the person they cheated with. Hardly even talk about them. To me, this is the tell that something inside of them is missing. That is probably your wife, this is why spending too much time wondering what you could have done, or even trying to get her to get it is a waste. There is something wrong with her, she is less emotionally evolved than you. You can't fix it.

IF it was me, I would find out where she was staying and serve her papers to her hotel room, then I would ghost for at least a month when she got back. Turn her wonderful little trip to a nightmare and one of the worst moments of her life.
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post #64 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:54 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

First accept a couple of facts. Your wife does not love you - at least by the definition of love that a non-cheater would accept. Also, she may have already been physical with this guy. You would likely never know unless you find evidence. It's possible this is not her first rodeo when it comes to cheating. Again, you will probably never know unless you find evidence.

The thing is, if you want to try to save your marriage you don't really want to know any more than you know now. This is bad enough and will be very difficult to get through without adding anything else to it. So get your evidence, sit down with her and lay it all on the table. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you are ready to let her go and will work with her to facilitate a simple, quick divorce if this is what she wants. If divorce is not what she wants than tell her she must send a no-contact message to her boyfriend and never have contact with him again. She must agree to marriage counseling and be completely transparent with all of her electronic communication devices. You need access to her Twitter & Facebook & Texts & email accounts as a way to monitor her attempt to rebuild trust. Make sure you tell the marriage counselor your terms and if the counselor doesn't agree that this is necessary than find a new counselor. These are the kind of basic terms that are pretty much accepted by infidelity counselors everywhere. It is a proportional response to her cheating.

There is no end to the bullsh*t that a WS will try to sell to BS on d-day. She's going to lie, minimize, and lie some more when you confront her so be prepared. Stick to the facts and be firm and unwavering on her making a choice right now. Finally, you need to be mentally prepared for the fact that she might choose him over you. In this case I would advise that you end all contact (other than for the kids) with your wife, call a lawyer and start divorce proceedings immediately.

Of course in all of this, you do what you think is best for you...
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post #65 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:58 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Most husbands in your position DON'T see it coming because like you, they think everything is fine.

I agree with the above poster who talks about the mind set of your wife or others that do this.

Your wife is a sahm with 3 kids. She's up to her head in rug rats and then makes dinner when you get home. Probably never gets alone time. Your at work with no kids around.

Then all of a sudden a guy (does not even have to be hot looking) gives her attention and that's how the ball starts rolling.

By the way, most WW spouses actually have affairs with someone less better looking than their own spouse.


The thing is, which posters already said, you stop it now, then what. She says oh sorry it was nothing, just lapse in judgement. She'll learn how to be covert for the next OM. Most if not all are sorry for being caught, not for the act itself.
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post #66 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:12 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

What's missing is your anger. How dare she disrespect you so much as to do this?

If you were to show her your anger (in a non-threatening way), she will take you more seriously. Whatever you do, DO NOT beg her not to go. Don't ASK her to do anything. Don't tell her how you found out; she doesn't need to know. All you do is tell her you know, tell her you won't accept it, and tell her if she goes, she'll find herself divorced and you'll fight for everything, kids included, as she's now proving herself an unfit mother.

She'll try to turn it on you. STAND STRONG. Do NOT get into an argument with her, no matter what - you'll lose. Cheating women convince themselves that their husband is bad, that they 'have' to find someone better. They rewrite history; in HER eyes, you're weak or boring or just plain abusive. So no argument is going to work.

She's a drug addict right now, and OM is her drug.

If she refuses, and goes anyway, you IMMEDIATELY call his wife and tell him why your wife is coming there; you then immediately call her parents and siblings and tell them where she's headed. Inform them that if she goes through with it, you're divorcing their daughter.

Then sit back and see what unfolds.
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post #67 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:17 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Eh... a software engineer with capabilities to read everyone's text messages? I don't think so.
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post #68 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:30 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Having kids is no excuse for not working. She can work after her husband gets home from work or a graveyard.

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post #69 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:31 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

You absolutely have to intervene before she goes. Present her with the information you have and send it over to the cop's wife, her parents and her friends. Blow this affair trip completely up. Tell her that you are going to have serious problems with trust going forward and it's up to her to fix this. If she makes no effort, serve her divorce papers. I honestly think that the marriage is beyond saving, she a cheater and will cheat again if given a chance.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #70 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:32 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by moth-into-flame View Post
How so? So he acts, thwarts the PA...now what? He's in limbo hell waiting for the rest of his life for her to try it again, and being married to a woman he knows intended to have sex with another man.

Flipside - he says nothing, gathers the intell/proof that she cheated, and now is resolute. Why is it his job to control his wife's actions? She has free will. She's not a child. IMO, you let adults make their own decisions, then act accordingly. Otherwise, he's in a continuous loop of hell.
I see two possible situations with the wife here.

1) She is a cheater type of person. She views sex as just sex. Within the marriage is fine, and it doesn't reflect poorly on the husband (OP). But sex to her is just sex. Having a bit of fun on the side, in her world view, does not reflect poorly on OP. It is just sex. She may or may not have cheated before, but she has now crossed that line in the sand within her mind where taking action to have sex with another man is ok. Even if this PA is prevented, it is currently within her ability to easily do this again.

2) She is naive, maybe a bit bored in the marriage, and has fallen into an EA. Yes it is still 100% her fault, as in it is her failing to have let herself go down this path. Nevertheless she is not numb to hurting OP, she is just in that EA fog where she doesn't see the reality of where this is going. She felt real love for OP in the past, and is now in a comfortable marriage where she is quite happy to be and to have sex with OP regularly. But this new thing has gotten her all riled up, the endorphins are out of control.

Personally I think scenario 1 is the more likely. She doesn't want to hurt her husband, she is just excited by a little something on the side. Recovery from this even if the trip is blocked will be a tricky thing. OP, you'll need some good MC, IC, and the help of folks here to navigate successful reconciliation.

If it is scenario 2, recovery still requires good MC and IC as well as guidance here. But the odds of success are a lot higher if handled well by you and if she is willing to do what it takes.

The bottom line is when you confront her it is only the beginning of the process not the end. You need to be resolute. Show no weakness to her. Make her do the hard work, don't you try to do it for her or make it easier on her. Set boundaries, enforce consequences. No second chances!

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post #71 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:32 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
Evaluate the portion of my earlier reply that you chose to quote on it's own merit -- it's correct, is it not?

If he wants to save his marriage, home, and family, then he should act w/ that goal in mind.

If, however, he'd prefer to divorce, he should act w/ that goal in mind.

Either way, if you read my reply in such a way that I implied that he should seek to -- in any way -- "control" his wife's actions, then you read it all wrong.
Fair enough. The sad part is of course, it's not possible for him to save the marriage. She has to want to do that too, should he be willing. Whether he wants to or not, it's not up to him at this point. He can choose to end the marriage, but he can't choose to save the marriage.
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post #72 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:39 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post

IF it was me, I would find out where she was staying and serve her papers to her hotel room, then I would ghost for at least a month when she got back. Turn her wonderful little trip to a nightmare and one of the worst moments of her life.
Man - that sounds like poetic justice. If at all possible, do this.
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post #73 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:43 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by drifter777 View Post
First accept a couple of facts. Your wife does not love you - at least by the definition of love that a non-cheater would accept. Also, she may have already been physical with this guy. You would likely never know unless you find evidence. It's possible this is not her first rodeo when it comes to cheating. Again, you will probably never know unless you find evidence.

The thing is, if you want to try to save your marriage you don't really want to know any more than you know now. This is bad enough and will be very difficult to get through without adding anything else to it. So get your evidence, sit down with her and lay it all on the table. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you are ready to let her go and will work with her to facilitate a simple, quick divorce if this is what she wants. If divorce is not what she wants than tell her she must send a no-contact message to her boyfriend and never have contact with him again. She must agree to marriage counseling and be completely transparent with all of her electronic communication devices. You need access to her Twitter & Facebook & Texts & email accounts as a way to monitor her attempt to rebuild trust. Make sure you tell the marriage counselor your terms and if the counselor doesn't agree that this is necessary than find a new counselor. These are the kind of basic terms that are pretty much accepted by infidelity counselors everywhere. It is a proportional response to her cheating.

There is no end to the bullsh*t that a WS will try to sell to BS on d-day. She's going to lie, minimize, and lie some more when you confront her so be prepared. Stick to the facts and be firm and unwavering on her making a choice right now. Finally, you need to be mentally prepared for the fact that she might choose him over you. In this case I would advise that you end all contact (other than for the kids) with your wife, call a lawyer and start divorce proceedings immediately.

Of course in all of this, you do what you think is best for you...
Asking her "what she wants" and acting accordingly is a fatal mistake. Completely emasculates himself, gives away all power and loses any respect (if there is any) that remains for him from her.
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post #74 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:46 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
You absolutely have to intervene before she goes. Present her with the information you have and send it over to the cop's wife, her parents and her friends. Blow this affair trip completely up. Tell her that you are going to have serious problems with trust going forward and it's up to her to fix this. If she makes no effort, serve her divorce papers. I honestly think that the marriage is beyond saving, she a cheater and will cheat again if given a chance.
So why try to stop her then?
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post #75 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:47 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by MarriageEjected View Post
trying to read all the responses...and juggling a ton of work at the same time, stressing, hands trembling, havent eaten in a while, my blood pressure must be thru the roof.
As far as I know our marriage is great, thats the thing, what the hell is going on? we have good sex regularly, she doesnt work, has everything she wants, I cant comprehend it. In the past I have had a couple issues with her overspending and getting us in moderate debt w/o telling me, and I have had to bail us out twice with my stock options, thats about all the problems I have had with her and the last one was like 5 years ago.
The cell phone account is my own account with my own SSN, am not violating any company policy however am sure that what am doing would be frowned upon because I am using sensitive and proprietary company tools and means to gain access to this information.
I feel like I want to save the marriage, I am stumped by all of this, I keep asking myself what could I have done??? we have regular dates, we enjoy time together, I dont get along with her inlaws but thats not new.
I think am just going to confront her and tell her I grabbed her phone one night while she slept, I read that somewhere else....what should I expect her reaction to be? I feel like I might freeze up and not know how to react or say the right thing.....this is paralyzing to me
Adultery strikes healthy marriages just as often as unhealthy ones. It is a myth that there has to be "something missing" in the marriage to make one of the partners want to cheat. It is a myth propagated by hack "marriage experts" on television and in the media to promote their books, and it is simply not true.

Your wife's behavior has nothing to do with what you did or did not do. Good, hard working, doting husbands like yourself get screwed over by wives all the time, and vice versa. We have seen it here on TAM ad-infinitum. Your wife is doing this because she is selfish, because she is entitled, and because she has the opportunity to do it. Selfishness, lust, ego gratification, a desire for something dangerous and illicit...all of these factor into what she is planning. When a cheater heads down this road there is almost always no turning back once they are committed.

I say head it off before she cheats, but then ask her to take a polygraph to see if she has done this before. I'll bet she refuses.
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