Originally Posted by moth-into-flame View Post
How so? So he acts, thwarts the PA...now what? He's in limbo hell waiting for the rest of his life for her to try it again, and being married to a woman he knows intended to have sex with another man.
Flipside - he says nothing, gathers the intell/proof that she cheated, and now is resolute. Why is it his job to control his wife's actions? She has free will. She's not a child. IMO, you let adults make their own decisions, then act accordingly. Otherwise, he's in a continuous loop of hell.
I see two possible situations with the wife here.
1) She is a cheater type of person. She views sex as just sex. Within the marriage is fine, and it doesn't reflect poorly on the husband (OP). But sex to her is just sex. Having a bit of fun on the side, in her world view, does not reflect poorly on OP. It is just sex. She may or may not have cheated before, but she has now crossed that line in the sand within her mind where taking action to have sex with another man is ok. Even if this PA is prevented, it is currently within her ability to easily do this again.
2) She is naive, maybe a bit bored in the marriage, and has fallen into an EA. Yes it is still 100% her fault, as in it is her failing to have let herself go down this path. Nevertheless she is not numb to hurting OP, she is just in that EA fog where she doesn't see the reality of where this is going. She felt real love for OP in the past, and is now in a comfortable marriage where she is quite happy to be and to have sex with OP regularly. But this new thing has gotten her all riled up, the endorphins are out of control.
Personally I think scenario 1 is the more likely. She doesn't want to hurt her husband, she is just excited by a little something on the side. Recovery from this even if the trip is blocked will be a tricky thing. OP, you'll need some good MC, IC, and the help of folks here to navigate successful reconciliation.
If it is scenario 2, recovery still requires good MC and IC as well as guidance here. But the odds of success are a lot higher if handled well by you and if she is willing to do what it takes
The bottom line is when you confront her it is only the beginning of the process not the end. You need to be resolute. Show no weakness to her. Make her
do the hard work, don't you try to do it for her or make it easier on her. Set boundaries, enforce consequences. No second chances!