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post #91 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 09:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

interesting twist...she told me this morning last night she couldnt sleep well because I wasnt home, so she ended up staying late. I checked the messages and sure enough she had texted him around 1am. the messages were pretty innocent, talking about weather and snow and stuff. He asks her why I wasnt sleeping at home and if things were ok between us, and she replied with something like "yes things are ok, I love that man, he is the love of my life." there were no more texts after that, it just went dark....what make out of this?

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post #92 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 09:09 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Rest assured, there are employees of his cell carrier that can read EVERY text message that comes through their system. The messages are retained by the carrier for compliance purposes. The people responsible for the system that archives those messages need full access to make sure the system is working and to be able to answer subpoenas, criminal investigations, etc. The OP is claiming only that he can see those messages on his family plan. He most certainly can, so I think it's time to drop this subject.
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post #93 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 09:13 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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interesting twist...she told me this morning last night she couldnt sleep well because I wasnt home, so she ended up staying late. I checked the messages and sure enough she had texted him around 1am. the messages were pretty innocent, talking about weather and snow and stuff. He asks her why I wasnt sleeping at home and if things were ok between us, and she replied with something like "yes things are ok, I love that man, he is the love of my life." there were no more texts after that, it just went dark....what make out of this?
A couple of possibilities. She knows you're reading her messages and is deleting anything incriminating. She's having second thoughts about taking things physical finally. She isn't really into this guy and it's 'just for sex'. Who knows.

Answer this: Does it make a difference if she actually has sex vs only planning to have sex with this guy (or any other)? Does this matter to you?
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post #94 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 09:21 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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interesting twist...she told me this morning last night she couldnt sleep well because I wasnt home, so she ended up staying late. I checked the messages and sure enough she had texted him around 1am. the messages were pretty innocent, talking about weather and snow and stuff. He asks her why I wasnt sleeping at home and if things were ok between us, and she replied with something like "yes things are ok, I love that man, he is the love of my life." there were no more texts after that, it just went dark....what make out of this?
It went dark because the OM has read loud and clear what he thinks is coming down the pike may in fact not be. In other words, OM is looking forward to a possible fling when, after your W stating you are the love of her life, etc. it appears the trip after all is just a visit. OM imagination was running wild. Your W is planning a simple visit.

Your W stated she is visiting OM?

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post #95 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 09:21 AM
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new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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interesting twist...she told me this morning last night she couldnt sleep well because I wasnt home, so she ended up staying late. I checked the messages and sure enough she had texted him around 1am. the messages were pretty innocent, talking about weather and snow and stuff. He asks her why I wasnt sleeping at home and if things were ok between us, and she replied with something like "yes things are ok, I love that man, he is the love of my life." there were no more texts after that, it just went dark....what make out of this?


How about posting some of the other messages? And tell us why you started checking in the first place.

They know you are reading the messages.
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post #96 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 09:25 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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How about posting some of the other messages? And tell us why you started checking in the first place.

They know you are reading the messages.
How could they know? I access my family cell phone account and look over things. No one is any wiser to it.

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post #97 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 09:29 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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A couple of possibilities. She knows you're reading her messages and is deleting anything incriminating. She's having second thoughts about taking things physical finally. She isn't really into this guy and it's 'just for sex'. Who knows.

Answer this: Does it make a difference if she actually has sex vs only planning to have sex with this guy (or any other)? Does this matter to you?
That would be my guess. She knows that you are reading their texts.

She knows that you are a techie. The cop is no fool. He is obfuscating......... Gesundheit.

Clever folks these two.

Clever is crafty, is not smart, is not moral. Smart is divorce first....consummation later.

Between these two lovebirds, it is a heated exchange of wills and ways....of the flesh. Steam from a low Marsha.

I hope I am wrong. I have a taste for crow.....now. It is the beak and the claws that are hard to chew. The little brain case?.... One bite, one kill. Eh?

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #98 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 09:34 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

They could know in any number of ways. Or maybe they just suspect and are acting as if it's true. If he's acting differently towards her she could suspect. Maybe she also reads them and can tell when something's been looked at.
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post #99 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 09:34 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

I think we need to see what the "flirty" text entail. Testing the waters kind of bull crap we see from time to time. Then there is full on graphic texts with pictures included.

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post #100 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 09:39 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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How could they know? I access my family cell phone account and look over things. No one is any wiser to it.


Any number of reasons.

This thread showing up in Google.

He left TAM open

She knows he is a software engineer for their carrier

He is acting differently so she thinks he knows. They are taking the affair more underground. Moving to an untraceable app.

Or these is no affair because he has yet to post any of the "sort of" flirty texts or give reason why he checked to begin with.

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post #101 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 09:56 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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They could know in any number of ways. Or maybe they just suspect and are acting as if it's true. If he's acting differently towards her she could suspect. Maybe she also reads them and can tell when something's been looked at.


Maybe he was correcting her grammar and spelling.
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post #102 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 10:10 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Any number of reasons.

This thread showing up in Google.

He left TAM open

She knows he is a software engineer for their carrier

He is acting differently so she thinks he knows. They are taking the affair more underground. Moving to an untraceable app.

Or these is no affair because he has yet to post any of the "sort of" flirty texts or give reason why he checked to begin with.
How would she know this thread is showing up in Google unless she is actively looking for a thread with nonspecific names and or finding the right keyword to get her to this thread?

He is savvy tech man...leaving things open on the computer and traces of his being on the computer, specifically in this situation, we can pretty much surmise the tracks have been erased.

Makes no sense to flip flop between a untraceable app and standard traceable texting. The W is not hiding it well at all.

I'm going with flirty meaningless texts that might be driving the OM imagination and the W is sincerely going for a visit with the uncle with daughter in tow. She may stop by to see the old copper she is texting for a simple visit.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
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post #103 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 10:16 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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How would she know this thread is showing up in Google unless she is actively looking for a thread with nonspecific names and or finding the right keyword to get her to this thread?

He is savvy tech man...leaving things open on the computer and traces of his being on the computer, specifically in this situation, we can pretty much surmise the tracks have been erased.

Makes no sense to flip flop between a untraceable app and standard traceable texting. The W is not hiding it well at all.

I'm going with flirty meaningless texts that might be driving the OM imagination and the W is sincerely going for a visit with the uncle with daughter in tow. She may stop by to see the old copper she is texting for a simple visit.
This thread would show up in history if he didn't use incognito mode. It would also show up in search history if he searched for 'talk about marriage' and she later searched for something that starts with a T. He's upset, people forget things when they're upset.

Still, I hope you're correct
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post #104 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 10:30 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Honestly, at this point we have almost nothing to go on. You said they are flirting and you think they will hook up. Until we see some things she and he wrote, we are only guessing. It could be that you are exaggerating the flirtiness of the conversations. Or, maybe not. I recommend moving this to the private section then post up some examples or screen shots.

The last convo sounds like she knows you are on to her and reading her messages.

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #105 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 10:42 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

OP,
I would posit an alternative possibility. Just because your wife has the body of an adult DO NOT assume her mind is mature. Intellectual growth and maturity is not as easily determined as is physical growth. The indicators are much less visible. In order for anyone to make the "right" decision" they must have the capability. It is difficult for those of us to comprehend that are cognizant enough to see clear divisions between right and wrong.

I believe that you may have jumped the gun and may be reading too much into your initial discovery. It is entirely possible that she does "love" you in her way, the way she is capable of. This may not fully coincide with your way however. We all process information differently and her texting, in her mind, may be benign whereas in your mind it is cheating. I would advise you to confront her with your information and to ask her to explain how she feels this is appropriate. Then explain to her how you see it and, based on her intellectual ability, she will either understand and modify her behavior or she will try to lie, become angered and accuse you of being controlling and overbearing.

If the former occurs then you are indeed fortunate however, if the latter occurs then you must now make a decision. You will now know that she cannot be trusted to make right decisions that are good for the marriage and your family and you will then need to make them for her or dissolve the union. Lack of processing ability will always lead to erroneous conclusions. Therefore, to leave her decisions up to her would be to invite disaster into your marriage.

I once was as you are now and did not understand that my wife was incapable of making the right decision. I assumed she was an adult. I was proven wrong. Knowing what I know now I would have intervened and made decisions for her, explaining why it was necessary to do so. It is easy to recognize the barrel of a gun and understand the danger it poses, it is more difficult to recognize less apparent dangers, to do so requires more cognitive ability than she possesses. The OM is a loaded gun to your marriage but to her he represents no danger. It is up to you to show her the inherent danger and thereby protect your marriage.

Think of it this way, as if it were your daughter about to go on a trip that you knew would endanger her. You see the peril, she does not, would you let her go? Or would you try to save her from herself? Many people do things that they sorely regret later in life. Do not let this be one of those times for your W. Communicate with her, explain the situation to her, show her the error of her ways and gauge her response. She will either come to appreciate you for "saving" her or she will fight you, ignore you and proceed on in her childish way, in which case she is most likely not "savable". You can say however, at the end of the day, that you did what you could to help her.

Peace and long life
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