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post #121 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 12:58 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Yep....you have every right to be concerned, angry, hurt and confused.
Barf...they both SUCK!


Ciao,

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post #122 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 01:07 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Totally flirting.

Totally inappropriate.

She is enjoying the ego kibbles.

Not PA yet, but could escalate quickly.

I would lay down the law, cancel her trip, have a discussion with her about boundaries and that she is about 1 step away from getting hit with D. It might just be the shock to her system that says "WTF am I doing".
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post #123 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 01:18 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Okay, thanks for posting those. Time to burn that **** to the ground. Send the messages to his wife and confront yours. Tell her if she makes this trip, you and she are done. End of story.

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #124 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 01:25 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Yup, you need to do the things Gus posted NOW. Do you need me to repost them again?
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post #125 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 01:50 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

While I see the possibility of this becoming a physical affair, I don't think it's planned. She's visiting his family and had her daughter with her. Could it be? Sure.

I think at this point the only thing OP can do is get hold of his wife's phone (his battery is dead, etc...) and "innocently" "find" the evidence of the texts. He can't use his job as a reason.

Then have wife cancel the trip.

Then arrange for marriage counseling.
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post #126 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 02:03 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

the distance between these two is probably the only reason this hasn't gone further. if these two have had the opportunity, than it has happened.

OP has you wife gone on any other trips (phony business trips or girlfriend visits) recently?

sorry, but i would blow this up right now, TODAY. start by contacting his wife, then print this stuff out and show your wife. If she stone walls and lies and tries to cover her actions..... life as you know it is OVER.
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post #127 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 02:23 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

I do miss the adventure!


Are you sure they have not already been together?

You need to confront this weekend.
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post #128 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 02:41 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by Thor View Post
Or, she is making it clear to OM she is not planning on leaving her marriage to live with OM. She wants him to understand this is only sex and fun, nothing more.
Over the years, I have personally heard that one from a couple of women co-workers. They love their spouse, but they are unhappy because he does not satisfy them in the bedroom.

I declined, both times...

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #129 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 02:43 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

OMG...WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

Burn this trip to the ground. Are you testing her to see how far she is willing to betray you?

I worry about your state of mind? How are you feeling in all this. Are you numb?

I would wait till the trip and as you drop her off at the airport I would slip her the transcript of texts in her carry on bag and all the times you can tell they had a phone conversation and tell her to Enjoy her trip at the bottom on the page written in Red writing.

Then, as gently and lovingly as I could I would inform the OBS.(While the WW is flying) You are not informing to take Revenge, you are informing to have her have some control in her life. (Be as gentile with her as possible.)

Have your wife land knowing that she has no place to go but back home. It will take her a long time to get back and you can have more time to figure out what you need to do. Move to another room in the house, Separate finances, etc.... but FREEZE her out while she is trying to get back home.

Then wait for the actions of your spouse to guide your own actions from there.
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post #130 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 03:03 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by MarriageEjected View Post
am not violating any company policy however am sure that what am doing would be frowned upon because I am using sensitive and proprietary company tools and means to gain access to this information.
Be real: if your employer knew you were using their system to spy on your wife's affair they would fire you. Not saying you should stop doing it, just don't reveal your sources or admit to anything. You have done nothing morally wrong.

Expose to your wife's family and OMW. That will end this affair immediately.

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
IF it was me, I would find out where she was staying and serve her papers to her hotel room, then I would ghost for at least a month when she got back. Turn her wonderful little trip to a nightmare and one of the worst moments of her life.
Idiotic. OP has kids.

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post #131 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 03:24 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

In any case get legal advice and protect your assets according to the lawyer. She got you in trouble with debt twice already. Seems that she progressed from getting excitement by spending money and buying stuff to getting excitement through (sexual) attention. You also need to consider trouble that may arise with your job and you using company assets/services to surveill your wife even if it's your plan. Check that with the lawyer too. The OM is a cop so he may know a thing or two and obviously they know where your work, if they envolve a lawyer down the road there may be implications you did not expect. There could be state laws limiting what you are allowed to do

If this is enough for you to consider D I would let her go on the trip and blow the whole thing up (= calling OMW and showing her evidence that does not compromise you) when your wife arrives at her destination. If proving infidelity would give you a better standing in the procedures consider a PI to follow them around and blowing it up later (could be ****ty regarding OMW, may be good for your bank account and even for OMW if it helps her in her possible D depending on her local law).

If you want to try R then you have to confront your W before the trip and go from there.

If you take D categorically off the table you are effed already.

According to the texts they seem to expect some surveillance, at least in a semifunny way (keeping texts safe, using land line instead of mobile phone). Not so much that they won't stop texting (which may be deliberately planted to throw you off, or if honest confirms that she does want to keep you around for stability and "love" and use the OM for "adventure" and he seems to feel the same) but they are at least using your land line (if you can check how often and how long they talked) if not other apps or measures.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarriageEjected View Post

another conversation

his loss, always fun to try new things

I do miss the adventure!

I do too, are you able to receive calls?

Yea, solo tonight

Ok I will call you in a bit, but will use my house line though
What "adventure"/new things were they talking about?

Last edited by rzmpf; 12-16-2016 at 03:56 PM.
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post #132 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 03:46 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by Popcorn2015 View Post
Be real: if your employer knew you were using their system to spy on your wife's affair they would fire you. Not saying you should stop doing it, just don't reveal your sources or admit to anything. You have done nothing morally wrong.

Expose to your wife's family and OMW. That will end this affair immediately.



Idiotic. OP has kids.
I agree I forgot he had kids. I would still serve her but it would be before she left.
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post #133 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 04:18 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by rzmpf View Post
If proving infidelity would give you a better standing in the procedures
In most states it doesn't. Your wife could have gone through all 53 of the Oakland Raiders football team in the week before you filed, but the court will still give her the same custody and cash everyone else gets.

Quote:
"Ok I will call you in a bit, but will use my house line though"
Anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?
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post #134 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 04:39 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by Popcorn2015 View Post
.







Anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?


Enlighten us.
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post #135 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 04:40 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Ok, the texts seal it for me. This is a full blown EA on her part. The OM is absolutely expecting sex while she is there. She is wanting sex while there.

First thing I would do is talk to an atty. You need to set things up and set things in motion which protect you, your assets, and your children.

The second thing I would do is set up legal surveillance such as a recording device on your home phone line, and a key logger on the family computer. If she is driving to the destination on this trip, I would GPS the car.

The third thing I would do is scrub all evidence from work computers. Be prepared to deny everything to your wife, OM, and anyone else aside from your employer. If your employer asks you about it, and they probably have the ability to trace what you've done, I would be prepared with an honest answer that it was only your own account (which they will probably be able to confirm), and you realized it was a mistake so you erased everything. If you believe with certainty they cannot trace that you accessed the messages, I would deny doing it. I would also consult with an atty about this to be sure of your legal rights and risks here. Most employers will fire for lying but may forgive mistakes which are admitted to. Anyhow, I would not leave this possible Sword of Damocles hanging over your head.

Next, figure out some simple believable cover story. You used her phone for a google search or map and saw an open text message. Keep it simple and don't get sucked into details. You saw an open message on her phone. Period. You don't need to give her all the details of what you posted here. When you confront, you tell her you know she is taking her sexual interests and emotions outside of the marriage, and you will not remain married to someone who does that. You know this because you saw proof on her phone. Don't let her drag you off of that, and don't offer more. Simple, and broken record. You saw proof on her phone. Joe Old Cop is his name, and he lives in Xtown where she is planning her trip.

See how that works? You don't let her put you on the defensive explaining how you found out or revealing how much you know. She wants to know how and how much so that she can minimize the damage. She also wants to blameshift and rock you back onto your heels. Don't let her. Broken record my friend. You know, and you won't remain married to someone who does that.

Firm action is your best strategy. Have divorce papers from your state website printed out and lay them on the table in front of her. Tell her you have an atty who advises while a divorce is not ideal that you will come out ok.

You're looking for true remorse to set in quickly with her. Not sorrow for being caught, but remorse for what she has done already to harm you. If she gets belligerent or shows no sorrow, file the divorce. It doesn't cost much, and this path really is the highest probability of rescuing your marriage.

When you have your ducks in a row and immediately prior to confronting your wife, inform OM's wife. Give her enough, perhaps the text of one or two messages, so she has some proof. Don't reveal to her too soon because then OM will warn your wife. And vice versa, don't wait to inform OM's wife because he will be forewarned by your wife.
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