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new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

157K views 357 replies 84 participants last post by  farsidejunky 
#1 ·
I am new, but have been a reader for a while. my W has been having sort of flirty texting with an old friend of ours (older married cop with kids), she doesnt know that I have seen any of the messages. all sudden she now has made herself a trip with my daughter to go see this friend and their family, while staying at her uncles. There is texting indicating they plan to get together thou of course not specific about anything, however I think a PA is very likely.
I dont have lot time right now but I will check in tomorrow again with more details, my question is do I intervene now and stop this dead on its tracks or let the chips fall where they may and let her have her PA....am so confused and have read so much am not sure what to do....if someone doesnt want to be with me let them do whatever they want....am not going to stop her if this is who she is to be able to do something like this and ruin her marriage....am terrified, hurt , angry but trying keep my cool and not blow anything up just yet.....the trip is around new years, several states away...married for 14yrs, 3 kids....am not aware of any issues in our marriage....all is well as far as am aware.
 
#4 ·
my question is do I intervene now and stop this dead on its tracks or let the chips fall where they may and let her have her PA
Yes, you intervene. You take screen shots of the texts keep them for yourself. You confront and you just tell her you don't want her to go and you forbid her to see him. If she goes anyway, follow her and physically insert yourself into their meeting. Don't sit on your hands, you'll regret it.
 
#8 ·
Yes, you intervene. You take screen shots of the texts keep them for yourself. You confront and you just tell her you don't want her to go and you forbid her to see him. If she goes anyway, follow her and physically insert yourself into their meeting. Don't sit on your hands, you'll regret it.
Me? I would let her go. I would also do one of the following:

Be gone when she returns. Let her know that you know.

Hire a PI to track her movements. Photograph them together, etc.

Drive up yourself and blow their affair up.
.........................................................................................................................................................................................
The others on TAM want you to stop this madness. Stop it in the hope that you can rebuild your marriage...before she steps off the cliff.

In my mind, she is already airborne. She has no parachute. Are you going to stand at the bottom of the cliff and stop her fall with your marital mattress? That mattress may be soiled already. Is this her first affair?

She is already broken. She has given her heart away. It beats, not for you, but for some older dude, a policeman with children. Wow, he is a stand-up guy, right?

You will regret it? That regret has knocked you flat on your back. You wasted all those years with her. Now, she pulls this crap!


Hairy Kristna....I cannot say the real holiday that is coming. This is not a joyous time for you.
 
#6 ·
Honesty is generally best. Tell her what you know and tell her if she goes on this trip your marriage is over. Then send the flirty messages to his wife and tell her both what you know and what you suspect. Your wife will be pissed. Your friend will be pissed. You will have acted responsibly and can live your life knowing you did the right thing.

You then need to sit your wife down and have a long talk about the future of your relationship and her issues with boundaries.
 
#9 ·
Amen,

Yes. Uh...huuuh!

Make this a Blue Christmas. Follow blueinbr's advice.

Oh, this cop is not macho. He is a thief, a cheating cowardly wimp. He steals other men's wives in the dark of the night. I bet his wife will not think he is macho when she and the kids find out what a snake he is. Is he upholding the law? No, another rat in a hat with a badge.
 
#10 ·
If you wait to confront until AFTER she's gone on the trip, she'll lie, deny, and gaslight the Hell out of you.

She'll also delete the messages, wipe her phone, delete all of her e-mail, etc.

AND she'll take the affair underground, which will make your life Hell.

So here's what you do --

1. Back up any and all evidence FIRST. Be sure to store everything in at least two different Cloud-based locations so that she can't get to it. Register the accounts to a new e-mail address, and use unique passwords for each of the new accounts.

2. Confront your WW w/ knowledge of the EA. Also be sure to let her know that a) the trip is now cancelled, and b) she'll be cutting any and all contact w/ OM going forward.

Unless, that is, she'd prefer to divorce.

3. Expose to OMW. Be prepared to forward evidence to her as needed.

If your WW refuses to cut contact w/ OM, attempts to gaslight you, etc, expose the affair to her family as well.

And then file for divorce.
 
#12 ·
I understand some of the feedback, however one thing I have read that makes a lot of sense is to NEVER ever give away your source of information, and I dont want to do this because who knows when I might need it again, so I prefer not to disclose anything about how I found out. I am actually a software engineer and work for one of the big cellco carriers, which our family plan is on of course, so my ability to see information on her phone is virtually unlimited, w/o ever having to put a finger on her phone.
I already have multiple copies of all the evidence, so thats not an issue, its stored in extremely secure locations within company servers and multiple crypto layers, its safe.

So what if I stop the PA, then what? she has already shown her intent and this is whats killing me. I mean this guy this ugly as sin and heavier, older than me,.....wtf?? if I stop the PA will she come to terms with herself? or will I have to chase her and spy on her from now on?? am not up to that, am way too busy and have an intense career for that nonsense. I am so lost, I cant concentrate for anything, dont know how much longer I can handle it.
 
#20 · (Edited)
I understand some of the feedback, however one thing I have read that makes a lot of sense is to NEVER ever give away your source of information, and I dont want to do this because who knows when I might need it again, so I prefer not to disclose anything about how I found out. I am actually a software engineer and work for one of the big cellco carriers, which our family plan is on of course, so my ability to see information on her phone is virtually unlimited, w/o ever having to put a finger on her phone.
I already have multiple copies of all the evidence, so thats not an issue, its stored in extremely secure locations within company servers and multiple crypto layers, its safe.
Sir...

...we should talk. :smthumbup:

So what if I stop the PA, then what? she has already shown her intent and this is whats killing me. I mean this guy this ugly as sin and heavier, older than me,.....wtf?? if I stop the PA will she come to terms with herself? or will I have to chase her and spy on her from now on?? am not up to that, am way too busy and have an intense career for that nonsense. I am so lost, I cant concentrate for anything, dont know how much longer I can handle it.
Believe me, I get what you're saying.

In the end, though, it all comes down to whether or not -- right now -- you a) want to save your marriage, home, and family AND b) have it in you to fight for your marriage, home, and family.

Because after the trip?

The whole ball of wax will be all the more unsalvageable by that point.

ACT!

Or don't.

Know this, though -- not acting now will lead to a much rougher road later on.
 
#13 ·
What is sort of flirty texting? What is the phrase that really made you upset?
I don't doubt you're onto her and if you feel in your gut, as obviously you do, you're probably right.
Either way, no room for same sex friends that one sees alone, in a marriage IMO.

Just wondering if you really have the goods on her, or not. Would OM's wife blow a gasket if she read the texts?

I like gus' advice best, anyway.
You could pretty much demand she not go on the trip and judge by her reaction if any nefarious deeds were planned on her part.
 
#16 ·
Read up on what The 180 is.

Also read No More Mister Nice Guy.

It is up to you it you want to try and save the marriage. Do not let her go with out confronting her. Do it this weekend.

Know the facts by heart.

Do not let her side tract you.

Say what you have to say with out letting her interrupt you.

Lay it straight to her that if she goes on this trip, you view it as her turning her back on the marriage.

Up to you, but if she still goes on the trip. I would not let her take the kids. File a injunction to keep her from leaving the state with them. You do not want them around the POSOM.

Tell her if she wants the OM then she need to fill for divorce and leave the home.

Do not leave your home. Be there for your kids.
 
#17 ·
I cant help keep coming back to reply, I dont know if I want to save anything or not, am so torn and confused I cant think straight. Nothing relating to infidelity ever that am aware of and yes his W would definitely be pissed if she saw them, there are pictures included, very erotic I guess, but nothing revealed.....I dont have time today but will post more message details tomorrow...I just cant believe this is happening....what did I do???
 
#155 ·
Nothing relating to infidelity ever that am aware of and yes his W would definitely be pissed if she saw them, there are pictures included, very erotic I guess, but nothing revealed....
OK, you are right, I should have posted the initial messages first....here they are (my W messages are in BOLD)


So, finally booked the trip, we are coming up for year end

oh, very cool!!!

Thats it? just cool??

Trying to keep texting safe (smiley)


another conversation

Finally get to see my gorgeous friend a lot more

well still well over a couple weeks away


another conversation

You dont need to do a thing, really you look totally amazing, 10 out of 10

Well, thank you kindly but after 3 kids I still think I have plenty to work on!





another conversation

you are missing bikinis and the beach! we know where your mind is

Yes, I got a weakness for beautiful women like you, where else would my mind be?

hmmm, IDK, you tell me

Well, I am thinking about those pictures you sent, how incredible you look, and how I would love to see you, just being honest.

I figured as much, ha!

I have some older ones on my FB

Oh trust me I have checked them out!!! I FB stalked you many times already

lmao, am sure you did!

its a cop thing

might have to have my handcuffs ready for this trip, I usually only travel with my gun

haha, oh my, did you see anything that peek your interest?

Just enough to want to see more, but thats exactly how it should be, dont be naked, always leave something for the imagination!

I better be careful, is it safe to text with you? wouldnt want to get you in trouble

by bikinis do you mean something like this? (faceless bikini photo sent)

wow, really wow, omg!!! am speechless


Why would you want to save your marriage to this person? I don't know why anyone here would recommend it.





I did have a fling thing with her sister geez like right before we got married very long time ago, she is a couple years younger than W and was very very hot then. She pursued me, am pretty sure she was mad that her sis was marrying me and getting new house, car, etc....but we never had sex, kissed and groped but that was it, and only once. Her sis invited me to her dorm one time after that and I said no, we never even talked about it since then ever, and W is not suppose to know anything.....I doubt she suddenly found out. I know what I did was wrong but I was young and stupid and was most definitely pursued very hard....f me I knew this would come back and bite me one day....but man it was nothing and in the end I stood my ground and said no.


Nice how you waited to share this story. If your wife ever found out about this; she's probably hated you ever since.
 
#18 ·
You may have contributed to the marriage not being healthy, but you did not cause her to cheat.

Here is what you do.

You expose. Send a simple email/message to her parents, your parents, the OM, his wife, very close friends (think maybe 3-5 total friends), and anyone else that may be enabling the affair.

"Friends and family, I am writing you this letter to inform you that my wife has been having an emotional affair with X since X date, to include the exchanging of sexually explicit photos. The upcoming trip she has scheduled was going to be used to consummate the affair. I am telling you because I would like to save our marriage for not only our sake, but for the sake of our children. However, I will not remain married to a woman who continues to cheat. I am asking for your support and prayers in this difficult time."
 
#19 ·
Inform the POSOM's wife asap - with no warning to anyone! This will get the ball rolling even if you don't know what you want to do next.

The fact is that (as you said) if its not this guy it would be someone else as she has already shown intent (with a very unattractive guy too). So something is clearly wrong with her!

It might be that she is bored and has fantasised about this - or it might be that she has no real morals regarding monogamy and this is the real her coming out (basically a bad person). Whatever the reason, you have no chance of even discussing this properly while she is still in what I will call this "lust fog".

Taking your daughter with her to disguise her need for fvcking this guy is despicable! I would find this even worse than her infidelity - it is absolute disregard for her child!

As I said, inform the other spouse and watch for what happens next with out revealing anything to her. And never reveal your sources.

This should become interesting shortly. Oh and by the way forbid her from taking your daughter anywhere!
 
#23 ·
Gtfo. You don't want this burden of not knowing on your back for the rest of your life. It's not worth it when the end result will likely be that you will get divorced anyway. Assuming you were a faithful and loyal husband, you don't deserve this.

If you already know enough that this is a PA, and she is going to meet him, do you really want to be second fiddle? You want her to come home cause she realized he wasn't what she wanted and settle on you. **** that! You take control now. Tell her you can't trust her anymore and get a lawyer. I dont care if you expose if you are leaving. Sometimes it's better not to expose if you have kids and want to maintain a semblance of a good relationship. But that is only if you are walking out the door.
 
#26 ·
The choice is yours! But the ultimate decision will be hers!

Having said that, if you want to attempt to thwart this impending PA, then you should personally confront and roll out all of the evidence that you have duly accumulated against her!

Two likely scenarios ~ she will either beg your forgiveness, or she absolutely won't give a rat's a$$ and will go full speed ahead with the impending affair!

Right now, you should be fastly employing "the 180!" That and doing an exploratory with an accomplished family attorney to study both your marital property and child custody rights!
 
#27 ·
Most of the posters here are correct. If you want a sliver of a chance to fix this marriage, lower the boom on her.

Here's the thing.

If he halts this secret meeting, this tryst, she will have clean hands and a clean smelling [women fold].

She can [honestly!] tell others that she had absolutely no intention of bedding this POSOM.

Who can call her a liar?...She can claim there was not another man [inside her...job] lying on and with her.... it did not happen. AT MOST it was sexting. And the sexting is provable ONLY if OP reveals his source of information.

POSOM is a cop. OP is violating company rules by hacking his wife's communication. If this hack gets out he will get fired and may be prosecuted. Or threatened with prosecution by Bluebeard the Cop.

She did not go...therefore it did not happen. She can still hold her head up.

But if OP conducts a sting operation.....lets her get penetrated by the blue perp, then her fold is soiled, her lie is weak, and her resolve will be shamed silent. There will no coming back from this act.

There will be justifiable closure....probable cause bolstered by hard-on evidence.

NOTE: "All this is predicated on getting solid proof of the tryst. That you must do."

I say, let the WW seal her fate by her pulling rank on the POSOM's Staff Sargeant, allowing the white lightning to fill her snifter.
 
#29 ·
So sorry you are going through this. You have gotten some really solid advice that you can think about which choice fits your situation best. I do agree that you quickly need to decide if you want to save your marriage or not. Easier said than done, huh?

I just had a couple questions.

How is your marriage otherwise?
How has your sex life been?
In reflecting back, has there been anything she has been telling you she is unhappy about with you and/or your marriage?
Do you have any access to her social media or similar other things that she could be using to communicate?

I hope whatever your decision ends up being that things work out for the best of all involved.
 
#30 ·
Let the other mans wife know. Do not give her anything that could get you fired. Then tell your wife if she goes you will file for divorce. Ask her where she wants her stuff delivered.
Tell her you can work on the marriage if she takes a polygraph. Otherwise, tell her everyone will know exactly who she is and you will be dropping her like a hot rock.
Cold hard strength is what you need now. Weakness and indecisiveness is a love killer and one wa street to defeat.
Good luck.
 
#31 ·
Actually the direct approach may serve you better.
Tell her you need to talk. Ask her how the marriage is going. Then ask her if she wants to stay married and work things out.

Then tell her if she goes on the trip, if she sees/f#cks the copper boy, divorce will be filed before she gets back.

Unless she is begging you to stay married you need to divorce her.

No matter how the convo goes, after you talk to her talk to copper boy's wife.

For me, there would be no more trips for her without me. Trust is gone.
 
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