new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 08:16 PM Thread Starter
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new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

I am new, but have been a reader for a while. my W has been having sort of flirty texting with an old friend of ours (older married cop with kids), she doesnt know that I have seen any of the messages. all sudden she now has made herself a trip with my daughter to go see this friend and their family, while staying at her uncles. There is texting indicating they plan to get together thou of course not specific about anything, however I think a PA is very likely.
I dont have lot time right now but I will check in tomorrow again with more details, my question is do I intervene now and stop this dead on its tracks or let the chips fall where they may and let her have her PA....am so confused and have read so much am not sure what to do....if someone doesnt want to be with me let them do whatever they want....am not going to stop her if this is who she is to be able to do something like this and ruin her marriage....am terrified, hurt , angry but trying keep my cool and not blow anything up just yet.....the trip is around new years, several states away...married for 14yrs, 3 kids....am not aware of any issues in our marriage....all is well as far as am aware.

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post #2 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 08:21 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

I think you have to call her on it. Get your proof that you have, get it secure, and talk to her. I don't think you can let it wait until she goes.
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post #3 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 08:23 PM
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You expose the messages to his wife immediately. Without warning!!!! Let them deal with the fallout.

If you tell your wife she'll warn him and they'll make you out to be a jealous crazy husband.

You don't wait for it to happen!!!! You can deal with your wife after the blow up.
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post #4 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 08:23 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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my question is do I intervene now and stop this dead on its tracks or let the chips fall where they may and let her have her PA
Yes, you intervene. You take screen shots of the texts keep them for yourself. You confront and you just tell her you don't want her to go and you forbid her to see him. If she goes anyway, follow her and physically insert yourself into their meeting. Don't sit on your hands, you'll regret it.


"If more people were judgmental, then maybe there would be less infidelity"
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post #5 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 08:25 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

I would also agree that if you can get in touch with the wife, you send her the screen shots.
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post #6 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 08:28 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Honesty is generally best. Tell her what you know and tell her if she goes on this trip your marriage is over. Then send the flirty messages to his wife and tell her both what you know and what you suspect. Your wife will be pissed. Your friend will be pissed. You will have acted responsibly and can live your life knowing you did the right thing.

You then need to sit your wife down and have a long talk about the future of your relationship and her issues with boundaries.

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #7 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 08:37 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

You have to ask? I can see why she prefers a macho cop.

You don't deny her going. That is her choice. You just tell her the marriage is over when she returns.
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post #8 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 08:46 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by The Middleman View Post
Yes, you intervene. You take screen shots of the texts keep them for yourself. You confront and you just tell her you don't want her to go and you forbid her to see him. If she goes anyway, follow her and physically insert yourself into their meeting. Don't sit on your hands, you'll regret it.
Me? I would let her go. I would also do one of the following:

Be gone when she returns. Let her know that you know.

Hire a PI to track her movements. Photograph them together, etc.

Drive up yourself and blow their affair up.
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ...................................
The others on TAM want you to stop this madness. Stop it in the hope that you can rebuild your marriage...before she steps off the cliff.

In my mind, she is already airborne. She has no parachute. Are you going to stand at the bottom of the cliff and stop her fall with your marital mattress? That mattress may be soiled already. Is this her first affair?

She is already broken. She has given her heart away. It beats, not for you, but for some older dude, a policeman with children. Wow, he is a stand-up guy, right?

You will regret it? That regret has knocked you flat on your back. You wasted all those years with her. Now, she pulls this crap!


Hairy Kristna....I cannot say the real holiday that is coming. This is not a joyous time for you.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #9 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 08:55 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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You have to ask? I can see why she prefers a macho cop.

You don't deny her going. That is her choice. You just tell her the marriage is over when she returns.
Amen,

Yes. Uh...huuuh!

Make this a Blue Christmas. Follow blueinbr's advice.

Oh, this cop is not macho. He is a thief, a cheating cowardly wimp. He steals other men's wives in the dark of the night. I bet his wife will not think he is macho when she and the kids find out what a snake he is. Is he upholding the law? No, another rat in a hat with a badge.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #10 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 08:57 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

If you wait to confront until AFTER she's gone on the trip, she'll lie, deny, and gaslight the Hell out of you.

She'll also delete the messages, wipe her phone, delete all of her e-mail, etc.

AND she'll take the affair underground, which will make your life Hell.

So here's what you do --

1. Back up any and all evidence FIRST. Be sure to store everything in at least two different Cloud-based locations so that she can't get to it. Register the accounts to a new e-mail address, and use unique passwords for each of the new accounts.

2. Confront your WW w/ knowledge of the EA. Also be sure to let her know that a) the trip is now cancelled, and b) she'll be cutting any and all contact w/ OM going forward.

Unless, that is, she'd prefer to divorce.

3. Expose to OMW. Be prepared to forward evidence to her as needed.

If your WW refuses to cut contact w/ OM, attempts to gaslight you, etc, expose the affair to her family as well.

And then file for divorce.


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Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #11 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 09:29 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Gus laid it out for you. The only thing I would add is if she goes on the trip. Once she leaves, pack her stuff up and tell her where she can find it.

Make sure you let her family know what is going on.

Also, do you want your kids around this guy?
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post #12 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 09:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

I understand some of the feedback, however one thing I have read that makes a lot of sense is to NEVER ever give away your source of information, and I dont want to do this because who knows when I might need it again, so I prefer not to disclose anything about how I found out. I am actually a software engineer and work for one of the big cellco carriers, which our family plan is on of course, so my ability to see information on her phone is virtually unlimited, w/o ever having to put a finger on her phone.
I already have multiple copies of all the evidence, so thats not an issue, its stored in extremely secure locations within company servers and multiple crypto layers, its safe.

So what if I stop the PA, then what? she has already shown her intent and this is whats killing me. I mean this guy this ugly as sin and heavier, older than me,.....wtf?? if I stop the PA will she come to terms with herself? or will I have to chase her and spy on her from now on?? am not up to that, am way too busy and have an intense career for that nonsense. I am so lost, I cant concentrate for anything, dont know how much longer I can handle it.
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post #13 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 09:52 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

What is sort of flirty texting? What is the phrase that really made you upset?
I don't doubt you're onto her and if you feel in your gut, as obviously you do, you're probably right.
Either way, no room for same sex friends that one sees alone, in a marriage IMO.

Just wondering if you really have the goods on her, or not. Would OM's wife blow a gasket if she read the texts?

I like gus' advice best, anyway.
You could pretty much demand she not go on the trip and judge by her reaction if any nefarious deeds were planned on her part.
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post #14 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 09:58 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Do you want to save your marriage, or end it?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #15 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 10:32 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Do you want to save your marriage, or end it?
Do you have a marriage to save?

Is this her first time as a start performer at the Infidelity Rodeo?

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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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