fashionista

I have destroyed my 11 year marriage by having a 10-month affair with a co-worker. It was mostly emotional for me however the OM was never in love with me. We had a lot in common. I am about to quit my job. My husband and I are going to marriage counseling. We are reading books and talking about our needs. That's why I'm here- to talk about my situation and hopefully learn something about myself and how to help my husband heal. He is distraught night and day and who can blame him? I have hurt him deeply. How do I help him trust me again? How do I begin to love him again?

JustaJerk

This is what bothers me... "mostly" emotional? What does that mean?

Then you say OM was not in love with you. So are you going back to your husband because OM rejected you and didn't want to be with you; or, are you going back because you yourself cut it off with him? The former is not good because it seems your husband was #2 in all this, and you just don't want to be alone now. You're husband seems to be the second option for you.

CH

He'll never trust to again 100% or love you with 100% of his heart. Things can still work out and you can still have a great marriage but you'll never get 100% out of him ever again.

Sucks to be us, we screw up and then realize after the fact what we did. Then we give 200% hoping that will be enough to show them that we're truly sorry.

The sad thing about cheaters is, we're full of sh*t. If we cheat we are sorry and think our spouses should give us another chance. But if our spouses cheat, we would leave in a heartbeat. Isn't that pathetic.

I hope your husband has a huge heart like my wife, because that's the only way it'll work. We can show remorse but in the end it's the LS that has to make the decision.

Shaggy

Here is an important question: what are you doing to earn the privilege of your husband letting you come back into his life? Why should he give you another chance?
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desert-rose

You have to really be sorry. You have to mean it. You have to communicate honestly, transparently, and sincerely. You have to recognize that you did a very bad thing and that your husband has been hurt by your immature and selfish behavior. That kind of remorse is just the beginning. It's YOUR job to fix what you've wrecked, which means that you better really be committed to him and you better do everything you can to prove it -- even if he eventually rejects you.

And, JustaJerk has raised an important question -- is your husband just the second option that you used as a back-up plan? I'd recommend that you figure that out because it sounds that way and you don't want to hurt him again by just repeating this, right? Try to figure out why it was that you had the affair in the first place. If you aren't in counseling, you really ought to start because until you figure out why you did such an immature, selfish, and hurtful thing to the person who trusted you with all his vulnerability and to whom you made a promise to be faithful and decent, you are at risk of hurting him again.

Arnold

Odds are against this working out. But, you might try that marriagebuilders program.
Or, of course , try to get admitted to Cal Poly or MIT and start work on inventing a time machine.

HerToo

What is "mostly"? One finger?

fashionista

I don't even know if I can ever love him again to be quite honest

tacoma

Why?

Why have you fallen out of love with him?

Before or after you began the affair?

JustaJerk

Just as I thought... second option.

Soccerfan73

The falling out of love part of this situation is going to make it a very difficult road to reconciliation.

Did you leave the OM because he wasn't in love with you? That can make a difference too in where your heart is in all of this.

fashionista

Actually my husband found out I was having an affair so I had to stop seeing him. I fell out of love with him a long time ago

Arnold

You might have at least told him,rahter than stealing his time. One of a betrayed spouse's greatest sources of resentment is the fact that you stole time, time that he could have used to direct his life.

OTOH, most cheaters are so narcissistic that this rarely enters their minds. They are better than their spouses, dontcha know?

alphaomega

Had to stop seeing him? Lol. Your still in the fog. Your husband is number 2 choice.

Leave the marriage already. Hope your husband has some self respect left to see what your really thinking of him.
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calif_hope

Do your husband a real solid....tell him you don't love him and get a divorce. Give him the real gift of the opportunity to find a women that will love like he deserves - someone to grow old with! Let him go, force him if you have to - it's the best thing!
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