I apologize in advance for the long post but I feel all the details are needed. This is all incredibly hard for me and I just cant seem to get past this. Excuse my language as well....the names are made up for the sake of clarity in reading this post.
I need help.
Married my wife exactly 3 years ago, she has two kids that I love as my own. Things were always great in the bedroom and other than normal life issues with work, money ect….we get along well.. This last year has been rougher than most and we did drift apart a little but I never expected her to cheat on me. As I uncovered more and more details things just get more and more confusing and hurtful.
So last September my wife went to NY to visit her sick mother. While she was there she told me she had lunch with an old friend and I thought nothing of it. She was supposed to be there just one week but on the Saturday she was to fly back home, she was taken to the ER for a panic attack but turns out she suffered a mild heart attack. She was treated and released a few days later and I booked her a 1st class direct flight back home. During her stay in the hospital I was on stand by ready to drive the 21 hour trip to pick her up myself but she told me to sit tight and wait for the clearance to fly from the docs. She came home a few days later and was very distant and quiet. She DID tell me she wanted to reconnect with me but other than that we never got a chance to really talk. I figured between seeing her sick mother, her own recent health issue she needed the recovery time. Over the next couple of weeks I noticed she was texting and taking phone calls allot more than usual. She told me it was one of her old girlfriends from NY.
A few weeks later in mid October, we get into a huge fight and she storms out the house in the middle of cooking dinner. I tried calling her to ask where she was going and she refused to tell me and hung up. Since we all have Iphones I looked up her GPS location and she turned her location sharing off. This raised my red flag so I logged into our cell phone provider website to see if she called a friend or something and that’s when I saw that she called a local number the moment she backed out the garage. I also saw she was talking and texting to TWO different phone numbers over the past month or so. Long conversations till 2am on work nights while I was traveling for busniness and tons of texts through out the day.
I knew something was up. I Goggled this local number and within seconds I found out this guys name and facebook profile. (lets call him sam) . I called her back asking who the f*#k is this guy and she told me just an old friend she used to work with and was catching up over the past couple of weeks because he’s moving out of state soon. When she got home at 1:30am that night I questioned her. She told me she called him because she was so upset over our fight but she never met with him. She said she went to go sit by the beach alone to think. One thing I did notice before she left the house but did not really pick up on at the time was that she grabbed something out of her dresser, went to the bathroom and then left the house. Turned out she had grabbed a fresh pair of panties. I accused of her seeing this guy, and she invited me to “check her body” for signs of sex but I was so mad I didn’t even want to touch her. Now that I think about it, I never once even accused her of f#*king anyone but she was the one who offered me to check her body for signs of sex.
I asked her about the other phone number and she told me it was just the old friend she had lunch with while in NY (lets call him paul) and they were simply reconnecting. He was married with two kids of his own. I knew she was not being entirely honest with me about ether one of these two men so I moved myself out my own house the next day and went to stay with my family. We fought like cats and dogs for the next week. She was completely adamant that she was doing NOTHING wrong. Accusing ME of abandoning her and this was my plan all along. That I wanted to find a reason to accuse her of wrongdoing so I had a reason to divorce. She kept saying how she was doing nothing more than talking to two old friends who she’s known for 20 years and neither one of them would ever do anything to harm our marriage.
After a few weeks of more fighting and her denying that she was doing ANYTHING wrong, we sit down one night and I ask to look in her phone and I discover she was actually sexting paul. The old “girlfriend” she was talking to was actually pauls number programmed her phone under a woman’s name. She of course deleted nearly all of the 2500 plus messages but I eventually found some very BAD nude photos on her phone she thought she deleted. She tried to deny sending the photos but I knew she was lying since the timestamps of when the naked photos were taken match up EXACTLY to what the phone records show a picture message was sent. She tried to tell me that this guy paul always had a crush on her and he was the one initiating the flirting/sexting and she only sent him a half shot of her ass to appease him. While we are actually having this conversation and her phone is in my hand he’s still texting her and sending flirty messages. I dial his number from her phone and when he answered thinking it was her, I let him have it and told him to stay the f*#k away from my wife and I even threated him I was so furious. She tried to downplay the whole thing and said the attention made her feel sexy but pauls advances were making her too uncomfortable and she was “breaking it off with him” She blames me for not paying enough attention to her over the past year but agrees to break off all contact with him at this point and she blocks his number.
I knew she was still lying and hiding the whole truth so back to good old Google and in a few hours I find this guy, and his wife on Facebook. I message Pauls wife and tell her what I know at this point. She tells me Paul is a habitual cheater and liar and she’s not surprised. A few days later pauls wife emails me back…says she found my wifes dirty selfies hidden in some email account he had and she forwarded them back to me. I confront my wife with this proof and she breaks down crying saying it was all a mistake, she just needed the attention and is sorry.
A few days later I discover an email written by her to paul just 10 days after she returned from NY asking him to look at flights for him to purchase and how she would have the extra cash to cover the hotel and rental car. She of course denies this and tries to dismiss it as simply “pillow talk” and they were toying with the idea but it would have never happened.
Despite thinking it was just “sexting” and a few bad photos, despite seeing this email about potential flights back to NY and a hotel she would pay for, I decided to save my marriage and reconcile with her. During one very emotional night, she admits to me that paul was more than just an old friend. He was actually an old boyfriend she dated for about 6 months 20 years ago and the very same man she cheated on her fiancé at the time and got caught in bed with. I was shocked. Not only was this more than just a friend, but also this is a man she had cheated with years ago. She also admitted to me that he did in fact purchase plane tickets for her to go to NY but she was well on the way to breaking off the affair before I found out. I believed her.
I still did not move back home at this point but we began to talk, go on “dates” and we even started sexting each other. The makeup sex we had was amazing and at her suggestion, she even let me do a little fifty shades of gray thing with her one night as a form of “punishment”. I truly believe she was sorry for what she did and wanted to fix it all. Things were on their way to rebuilding our relationship and we were even discovering a new kinky sexual side to each other along with a deeper emotional attachment.
Till one day in early December, I receive a message from pauls wife again. She tells me she was looking thru her own phone records and text messages and recalls one night back in September when my wife was in NY, paul never came home till 4:30 am. I look at her phone records again and sure enough, on that date, he was the last person she called at 10:30pm and the first person she texted at 5am the next morning. The call pattern that night was short, one or two min calls…the kind of calls you make to someone to say “hey im here now..where are you?” kinda call. This was the last night she was originally supposed to be in NY and the next morning is when she had her heart attack.
Once again, angry and furious, I confronted my wife and asked to her explain…She of course denies it all and says she only had lunch with him and since that was supposed to be the last night she was in NY, she was with her mother very late till 1:30 am. She even said she would prove to me that she was not with him….hours later she sends me a screen shot of a text from a very angry paul saying that they only had lunch and he was working and if I need to see his time slips to ask him. She later admits to me that she called paul and asked him to fabricate that text to show me.
After doing some more data mining and looking at phone logs and GPS data….I uncover more lies The GPS data showed she was not at the hospital like she said but was actually driving to a local beach at 10:30pm . She FINAILLY admits to me that yes she did indeed see paul that night, met him at around 10:30 and did not get back home till after 3:30 am. She said she spent they night on the beach simply talking but the night did end in a long passionate kiss. She swears it was nothing more.
I also discover that BEFORE I even had a clue anything was going on, she was researching a new place to live. I asked her about that very first night we had the fight and if she lied about meeting that guy sam and she said she did meet him but nothing happened as he was just a friend supporting her and they just talked.
I read some old texts from sam to my wife and was heartbroken to see how she threw me under the bus saying those things like how this was ‘my plan’ all along and of course this guy is just nodding his head to agree with her. She was not even being honest with him about what she was doing with paul…she was making herself out to be the victim.
At this point pauls wife and I are sharing as much info as we can because we both are searching for the truth. My wife says shes committed to regaining my trust so she agrees to give me all her passwords and lets her text messages be forwarded to my iPad. A day or two later I see a long angry text from paul pop up on my ipad to my wife saying how he’s not lying to protect her anymore and he asks her if I know about how he went down on her in the hospital while she was recovering from her heart attack, If I know about the guy she used to work with that she met that night and f#@ked him because he was moving away, if I know about how she asked him to make a fake text about his overnight shift to make me think they didn’t have sex. He says to her how even after 20 years she still lies about everything ect…….
I already knew the truth about the fake text she asked him to send her. She DID tell me that while she was recovering in the hospital paul came to visit her while she was sleeping and she woke up feeling his hand under the sheets and his head in her lap but she claims she pushed him away. I already have my thoughts about that first night she stormed out the house and called that guy sam. I knew all along she was lying about seeing sam that night and she finally admitted it and found it ironic paul mentions how if I knew she “f@#ked him”???
I finally have enough and text paul myself directly and say “if you have something to say to me. call me directly!!” He does the next day. I could tell by his tone he’s scared of me and the stuff he says is just to disarm my anger. He tells me “you don’t know your wife like I do, I’ve known her for 20 years and she just lies about everything, when she got to NY she searched for me and wanted to have lunch and I have a letter she gave me to prove it” He tells me he will send it to me. I didn’t believe him at first but two days later, my phone starts ringing with texts of photos of this letter my wife wrote to him and gave him before she left NY. It was in her handwriting and based on the grammar and style, I knew it was authentic.
What I read in the letter was truly heartbreaking and goes against the entire narrative she’s been saying for the past 2 months. She admits in the letter how when she arrived in NY she broadcast on her Facebook page how she’s back in NY and was hoping paul would contact her. How it was not an “accident” they met for lunch and how she’s got the same feelings for him she did 20 years ago. How she’s always loved him and she know he loves her, how she’s lived her past 20 years “safe and secure” but with people who don’t truly know her. She wrote how no one has ever touched her soul like he does. How she’s jumped on this train now and does not want to get off and cant say goodbye to him again. She also mentioned how “I let myself go with you last night”.
Knowing how sexual my wife is and now knowing what kind of guy paul is I’m sure “letting go” was much more than just a passionate kiss.
So now here we are at this point and she of course can’t deny writing that letter but she says it was just the overflow of emotions she felt that night and was not thinking clearly when she wrote it. She knows paul would never leave his wife and kids for her and the fact they live thousands of miles apart now nothing could ever come of this affair. She admits to me that IF she would have taken those tickets and fly to NY they would have had sex. She even said if she had spent another week in NY they probably would have had sex. She says the distance they had was a safety net. She says she knows now how much I truly love her after showing her how hard I’ve been fighting to save this marriage. She’s sorry and remorseful now for letting herself get caught up with him again. She does not want to let me go and says she willing to do anything to prove she loves me and eventually regain my trust.
My problem now is I can’t believe a word of it anymore. If they did NOT have sex that night she was in NY how could she be so eager to make plans to see him again? To continue the sexting and send some very dirty photos? To actually go so far as to search out a new place to live even before I had a clue anything was going on?
Like I mentioned earlier, before I had any proof she was adamant she did nothing wrong and was fighting me, bad mouthing me to all her friends that I abandoned her. Claiming, “I never cheated on you and never would” It was only after I found proof she turned her tone around and now is sorry.
Was she trying to make me jealous? Did she really get caught up in this emotional thing and was so weak and let this guy back into her life like she says? Or does she really love him after all these years and living the past 20 year as a lie to herself and me?
I told her at this point it does not matter to me if she had sex with paul that night in NY (which I believe in my gut she did!!). It does not even matter to me if she even had sex with sam (which I don’t think so but anything is possible at this point)
What matters to me is how she tried to cover her lies over and over and after now seeing her love letter to him the whole thing goes so much deeper than a simple momentary lack of judgment and some racy photos.
I still love her. If she were honest with me from the start I would have found a way to forgive her and move on. To learn the whole truth of HOW, the WHY and what probably REALLY happened is too much and I’m just lost now what to do. The thoughts and images in my mind keep playing over and over, I've been so depressed and not eating...my work is suffering. I know in my logical mind I should be getting a lawyer and filing for divorce but in my heart I can't give up and I hate it.
Reading that letter she wrote to him, learning how she was already looking to move out before I found out about her affair changed everything for me. But she won't let me give up..she swears she knows how much I love her and she loves me and swears she's sorry and remorseful for her mistake.
Thoughts? ideas? concerns? Someone want to slap me across the face to wake the f up and walk away from this??
I need help.
Married my wife exactly 3 years ago, she has two kids that I love as my own. Things were always great in the bedroom and other than normal life issues with work, money ect….we get along well.. This last year has been rougher than most and we did drift apart a little but I never expected her to cheat on me. As I uncovered more and more details things just get more and more confusing and hurtful.
So last September my wife went to NY to visit her sick mother. While she was there she told me she had lunch with an old friend and I thought nothing of it. She was supposed to be there just one week but on the Saturday she was to fly back home, she was taken to the ER for a panic attack but turns out she suffered a mild heart attack. She was treated and released a few days later and I booked her a 1st class direct flight back home. During her stay in the hospital I was on stand by ready to drive the 21 hour trip to pick her up myself but she told me to sit tight and wait for the clearance to fly from the docs. She came home a few days later and was very distant and quiet. She DID tell me she wanted to reconnect with me but other than that we never got a chance to really talk. I figured between seeing her sick mother, her own recent health issue she needed the recovery time. Over the next couple of weeks I noticed she was texting and taking phone calls allot more than usual. She told me it was one of her old girlfriends from NY.
A few weeks later in mid October, we get into a huge fight and she storms out the house in the middle of cooking dinner. I tried calling her to ask where she was going and she refused to tell me and hung up. Since we all have Iphones I looked up her GPS location and she turned her location sharing off. This raised my red flag so I logged into our cell phone provider website to see if she called a friend or something and that’s when I saw that she called a local number the moment she backed out the garage. I also saw she was talking and texting to TWO different phone numbers over the past month or so. Long conversations till 2am on work nights while I was traveling for busniness and tons of texts through out the day.
I knew something was up. I Goggled this local number and within seconds I found out this guys name and facebook profile. (lets call him sam) . I called her back asking who the f*#k is this guy and she told me just an old friend she used to work with and was catching up over the past couple of weeks because he’s moving out of state soon. When she got home at 1:30am that night I questioned her. She told me she called him because she was so upset over our fight but she never met with him. She said she went to go sit by the beach alone to think. One thing I did notice before she left the house but did not really pick up on at the time was that she grabbed something out of her dresser, went to the bathroom and then left the house. Turned out she had grabbed a fresh pair of panties. I accused of her seeing this guy, and she invited me to “check her body” for signs of sex but I was so mad I didn’t even want to touch her. Now that I think about it, I never once even accused her of f#*king anyone but she was the one who offered me to check her body for signs of sex.
I asked her about the other phone number and she told me it was just the old friend she had lunch with while in NY (lets call him paul) and they were simply reconnecting. He was married with two kids of his own. I knew she was not being entirely honest with me about ether one of these two men so I moved myself out my own house the next day and went to stay with my family. We fought like cats and dogs for the next week. She was completely adamant that she was doing NOTHING wrong. Accusing ME of abandoning her and this was my plan all along. That I wanted to find a reason to accuse her of wrongdoing so I had a reason to divorce. She kept saying how she was doing nothing more than talking to two old friends who she’s known for 20 years and neither one of them would ever do anything to harm our marriage.
After a few weeks of more fighting and her denying that she was doing ANYTHING wrong, we sit down one night and I ask to look in her phone and I discover she was actually sexting paul. The old “girlfriend” she was talking to was actually pauls number programmed her phone under a woman’s name. She of course deleted nearly all of the 2500 plus messages but I eventually found some very BAD nude photos on her phone she thought she deleted. She tried to deny sending the photos but I knew she was lying since the timestamps of when the naked photos were taken match up EXACTLY to what the phone records show a picture message was sent. She tried to tell me that this guy paul always had a crush on her and he was the one initiating the flirting/sexting and she only sent him a half shot of her ass to appease him. While we are actually having this conversation and her phone is in my hand he’s still texting her and sending flirty messages. I dial his number from her phone and when he answered thinking it was her, I let him have it and told him to stay the f*#k away from my wife and I even threated him I was so furious. She tried to downplay the whole thing and said the attention made her feel sexy but pauls advances were making her too uncomfortable and she was “breaking it off with him” She blames me for not paying enough attention to her over the past year but agrees to break off all contact with him at this point and she blocks his number.
I knew she was still lying and hiding the whole truth so back to good old Google and in a few hours I find this guy, and his wife on Facebook. I message Pauls wife and tell her what I know at this point. She tells me Paul is a habitual cheater and liar and she’s not surprised. A few days later pauls wife emails me back…says she found my wifes dirty selfies hidden in some email account he had and she forwarded them back to me. I confront my wife with this proof and she breaks down crying saying it was all a mistake, she just needed the attention and is sorry.
A few days later I discover an email written by her to paul just 10 days after she returned from NY asking him to look at flights for him to purchase and how she would have the extra cash to cover the hotel and rental car. She of course denies this and tries to dismiss it as simply “pillow talk” and they were toying with the idea but it would have never happened.
Despite thinking it was just “sexting” and a few bad photos, despite seeing this email about potential flights back to NY and a hotel she would pay for, I decided to save my marriage and reconcile with her. During one very emotional night, she admits to me that paul was more than just an old friend. He was actually an old boyfriend she dated for about 6 months 20 years ago and the very same man she cheated on her fiancé at the time and got caught in bed with. I was shocked. Not only was this more than just a friend, but also this is a man she had cheated with years ago. She also admitted to me that he did in fact purchase plane tickets for her to go to NY but she was well on the way to breaking off the affair before I found out. I believed her.
I still did not move back home at this point but we began to talk, go on “dates” and we even started sexting each other. The makeup sex we had was amazing and at her suggestion, she even let me do a little fifty shades of gray thing with her one night as a form of “punishment”. I truly believe she was sorry for what she did and wanted to fix it all. Things were on their way to rebuilding our relationship and we were even discovering a new kinky sexual side to each other along with a deeper emotional attachment.
Till one day in early December, I receive a message from pauls wife again. She tells me she was looking thru her own phone records and text messages and recalls one night back in September when my wife was in NY, paul never came home till 4:30 am. I look at her phone records again and sure enough, on that date, he was the last person she called at 10:30pm and the first person she texted at 5am the next morning. The call pattern that night was short, one or two min calls…the kind of calls you make to someone to say “hey im here now..where are you?” kinda call. This was the last night she was originally supposed to be in NY and the next morning is when she had her heart attack.
Once again, angry and furious, I confronted my wife and asked to her explain…She of course denies it all and says she only had lunch with him and since that was supposed to be the last night she was in NY, she was with her mother very late till 1:30 am. She even said she would prove to me that she was not with him….hours later she sends me a screen shot of a text from a very angry paul saying that they only had lunch and he was working and if I need to see his time slips to ask him. She later admits to me that she called paul and asked him to fabricate that text to show me.
After doing some more data mining and looking at phone logs and GPS data….I uncover more lies The GPS data showed she was not at the hospital like she said but was actually driving to a local beach at 10:30pm . She FINAILLY admits to me that yes she did indeed see paul that night, met him at around 10:30 and did not get back home till after 3:30 am. She said she spent they night on the beach simply talking but the night did end in a long passionate kiss. She swears it was nothing more.
I also discover that BEFORE I even had a clue anything was going on, she was researching a new place to live. I asked her about that very first night we had the fight and if she lied about meeting that guy sam and she said she did meet him but nothing happened as he was just a friend supporting her and they just talked.
I read some old texts from sam to my wife and was heartbroken to see how she threw me under the bus saying those things like how this was ‘my plan’ all along and of course this guy is just nodding his head to agree with her. She was not even being honest with him about what she was doing with paul…she was making herself out to be the victim.
At this point pauls wife and I are sharing as much info as we can because we both are searching for the truth. My wife says shes committed to regaining my trust so she agrees to give me all her passwords and lets her text messages be forwarded to my iPad. A day or two later I see a long angry text from paul pop up on my ipad to my wife saying how he’s not lying to protect her anymore and he asks her if I know about how he went down on her in the hospital while she was recovering from her heart attack, If I know about the guy she used to work with that she met that night and f#@ked him because he was moving away, if I know about how she asked him to make a fake text about his overnight shift to make me think they didn’t have sex. He says to her how even after 20 years she still lies about everything ect…….
I already knew the truth about the fake text she asked him to send her. She DID tell me that while she was recovering in the hospital paul came to visit her while she was sleeping and she woke up feeling his hand under the sheets and his head in her lap but she claims she pushed him away. I already have my thoughts about that first night she stormed out the house and called that guy sam. I knew all along she was lying about seeing sam that night and she finally admitted it and found it ironic paul mentions how if I knew she “f@#ked him”???
I finally have enough and text paul myself directly and say “if you have something to say to me. call me directly!!” He does the next day. I could tell by his tone he’s scared of me and the stuff he says is just to disarm my anger. He tells me “you don’t know your wife like I do, I’ve known her for 20 years and she just lies about everything, when she got to NY she searched for me and wanted to have lunch and I have a letter she gave me to prove it” He tells me he will send it to me. I didn’t believe him at first but two days later, my phone starts ringing with texts of photos of this letter my wife wrote to him and gave him before she left NY. It was in her handwriting and based on the grammar and style, I knew it was authentic.
What I read in the letter was truly heartbreaking and goes against the entire narrative she’s been saying for the past 2 months. She admits in the letter how when she arrived in NY she broadcast on her Facebook page how she’s back in NY and was hoping paul would contact her. How it was not an “accident” they met for lunch and how she’s got the same feelings for him she did 20 years ago. How she’s always loved him and she know he loves her, how she’s lived her past 20 years “safe and secure” but with people who don’t truly know her. She wrote how no one has ever touched her soul like he does. How she’s jumped on this train now and does not want to get off and cant say goodbye to him again. She also mentioned how “I let myself go with you last night”.
Knowing how sexual my wife is and now knowing what kind of guy paul is I’m sure “letting go” was much more than just a passionate kiss.
So now here we are at this point and she of course can’t deny writing that letter but she says it was just the overflow of emotions she felt that night and was not thinking clearly when she wrote it. She knows paul would never leave his wife and kids for her and the fact they live thousands of miles apart now nothing could ever come of this affair. She admits to me that IF she would have taken those tickets and fly to NY they would have had sex. She even said if she had spent another week in NY they probably would have had sex. She says the distance they had was a safety net. She says she knows now how much I truly love her after showing her how hard I’ve been fighting to save this marriage. She’s sorry and remorseful now for letting herself get caught up with him again. She does not want to let me go and says she willing to do anything to prove she loves me and eventually regain my trust.
My problem now is I can’t believe a word of it anymore. If they did NOT have sex that night she was in NY how could she be so eager to make plans to see him again? To continue the sexting and send some very dirty photos? To actually go so far as to search out a new place to live even before I had a clue anything was going on?
Like I mentioned earlier, before I had any proof she was adamant she did nothing wrong and was fighting me, bad mouthing me to all her friends that I abandoned her. Claiming, “I never cheated on you and never would” It was only after I found proof she turned her tone around and now is sorry.
Was she trying to make me jealous? Did she really get caught up in this emotional thing and was so weak and let this guy back into her life like she says? Or does she really love him after all these years and living the past 20 year as a lie to herself and me?
I told her at this point it does not matter to me if she had sex with paul that night in NY (which I believe in my gut she did!!). It does not even matter to me if she even had sex with sam (which I don’t think so but anything is possible at this point)
What matters to me is how she tried to cover her lies over and over and after now seeing her love letter to him the whole thing goes so much deeper than a simple momentary lack of judgment and some racy photos.
I still love her. If she were honest with me from the start I would have found a way to forgive her and move on. To learn the whole truth of HOW, the WHY and what probably REALLY happened is too much and I’m just lost now what to do. The thoughts and images in my mind keep playing over and over, I've been so depressed and not eating...my work is suffering. I know in my logical mind I should be getting a lawyer and filing for divorce but in my heart I can't give up and I hate it.
Reading that letter she wrote to him, learning how she was already looking to move out before I found out about her affair changed everything for me. But she won't let me give up..she swears she knows how much I love her and she loves me and swears she's sorry and remorseful for her mistake.
Thoughts? ideas? concerns? Someone want to slap me across the face to wake the f up and walk away from this??