Ok my story is long and complicated like I am sure most are;so I thank you ahead of time for reading this. I will try to keep it as short and to the point as I can. I am 21 and have been married for a little over one year; I also have a child with my husband (our son is 9 months). However, of our first year of marriage we have only been physically together for 6 months due to his job.
Ok so the whole story starts back in April of 2011: I was living back in my home town and I had just had our son. My husband was away for work. I found out through facebook that he had been messing around with girls over the internet( he tells me to this day that he has never physically cheated). I confronted him and he said he was sorry that it was just hard to be apart( we had been apart for 4months)I forgave him. In may he finally got a permanent job assignment so I moved to be with him. A few weeks later I found out that he was messing around yet again.I confronted him and he said it would stop. this pattern kept going on every couple of weeks until July.
In July I found out his behavior hadnt changed and we made an appointment to see a councilor.The councilor confronted my husbands habits and gave us some books and tried to get us religiously involved. I read my book and jumped feet first into solving our problems.Two weeks later i found yet again that his behavior hadnt changed.This pattern yet continued through August and September.By this time every time we would fight (after I had confronted him) the fighting was getting worse and worse! Getting physical a couple of times. Every time we would fight he would tell me that it wasn't cheating and that he didn't see how it was hurtful. That he didn't want to be with these girls that it "relieved his stress". Our sex life is very good so I know he gets plenty of what he likes at home.
By the middle of September I couldnt take it anymore and I figured that maybe I husband needed a taste of his own medicine to understand that this behavior is hurtful. Those were my true intentions I did not want to run around on my husband.
Well i ended up finding a very nice man and we ended up talking about my situation and his. We became friends. I caught my husband again in multiple times October and I threatened devorice. My family told me to try to work it out. I asked my husband to go to marriage counselling( after the previous visit in July he got angry and wouldnt go back) but he said we didnt need it.Each time he said he would stop I believed him and I also stopped talking to the other man. Who says he understand and that he loves me but knows its complicated and just wants me to be happy. My husband kept getting sneakier as well and the info was harder to find each time. He also said that the incident in October was a slip up that he got temptation from the guys he works with cause a large group of them have these behaviors as well.
For most of the month of November I didn't find anything> I tried to cut things off with the other man but I went back because i missed the way that he treats me. He is kind and willing to a partner. Where as my husband is still young and would rather play video games all evening after work. I am solo care giver to our son. My husbands behavior has gotten better.
I am totally lost and don't know what to do. My husband does love me and if he is truly going to change dont I owe it to him to stay? I still feel some love for him but mostly I just feel very angry ; I do not trust him I expect him to lie. I feel like he is only changing because he feels that he is going to loose me. I am afraid that once he knows he has me back he will go back to his old behavior. I really need some guidence. I young I have a lot of life ahead of me and I dont want to spend it in a relationship full of distrust, anger , and dishonesty. If I have a chance of happiness with someone else shouldn't I take it? At the same time I have to do whats best for my son. Can someone PLEASE HELP!!! I feel like either way i am going to mess my and someone else life up.
This is ridiculous . Both are cheating in the first year of marriage.
You are accusing him of the same things you are doing as well .That is very hypocritical. Now you understand his urges and try to work on them. Also never believe a man who is willing to cheat with a married woman. He is good and kind because he is still a fantasy and you don't live with him every day. He is kind because he hasn't had you yet. You need to end this now and tell your husband for any chance of a happy marriage. Even better counselling.
What do plan to do now? I'm sure you've exchanged "I love you"s with the other guy. So its an Emotional Affair. Tell your husband. That might be the wake up call he needs and you can start recovery together.
I am going through something similar with my husband of 28 years. It's hard. Let me start with, leave the other man alone. PERIOD. Two wrongs don't make a right.
So let me break down what you have said here.
1) when being apart got hard on him, he looked outside the marriage to fulfill something he was supposed to get only from you.
2) when confronted, he said he would stop, lied, and returned to fulfilling something he was supposed to get only from you.
3)When given a chance to fix what was causing him to cause you incredible pain, he not only refused, he went deeper into secrecy.
4) The only time he stopped was when he was sure to lose you.
5) The betrayal was of an intimate nature (regardless if it was online, or in person there is no difference). The pain he caused you is of no other consequence to him (he has not carried the weight of the pain he created).
6) This was done during the honeymoon phase of your marriage.
7) You don't trust him, and doubt you ever will.
Okay so there it is. I thank goodness there wasn't internet when my hubby and I wed. He did things that were worse, kept them secret and I have no proof. Had I I would have left back then.
You have an oppurtunity here. You get to pick your boundries dear. Has he crossed them? It appears that yes he has. He has, and crossed them again and again. So what are the consequences? Seems they have only been consequences that you suffer. No trust, pain, and anger.
You must establish your boundries, those lines you will not tolerate someone to cross. Then hold them (especially the one who should have your back) accountable. What are his consequences?
If you don't do this now, you will waste the best years of your life in anquish. Good luck
@ Warlock07 I feel like I should leave why give millions of second chances? I feel like fixing things is the "right thing to do" but I don't trust him I look at him and just see pain and hurt. I understand I cheated but I cheated once. I never cheated and said I would stop and then cheated and continued to do so. I don't want to be a failure.
@ madwomen thanks! I just feel guilty if I decide to leave because I didnt solve the problem and I dont want to hurt my son. I feel stupid if I stay tho. Thanks for you help.
Really? Do you think your son deserves parents who fall out of love, staying together and blaming him because they can't move on?
Really, please evaluate that train of thought. Why are you scared of leaving? Is it because raising children without the finacial support a marraige brings is hard? Thats a chicken $hit thing to believe, and your son deserves better. Don't put it on him. He'd be better served with a strong mother who won't put up with that crap from a man she's married to. Now, it's down to what do you need from your husband? If he won't WON'T provide that food for your soul, your not doing anyone any favors.
As to solving the problem, it's not yours to solve is it?
Also never believe a man who is willing to cheat with a married woman. He is good and kind because he is still a fantasy and you don't live with him every day. He is kind because he hasn't had you yet.
This is true, no respectful man would get involved with a married woman. He just wants in your pants.
Of course you are not going to believe that because you are buying his act. My W found out the hard way and she was 40. Some guys just know how to tell you just what you want to hear and girls eat it up.
I am scared! I am scared of being alone I have been with my husband since I was 17. Money isnt really it I can work hard and support my child. you are right though I dont want him to grow up thinking that being unhappy is part of adult life and I dont want him to ever grow up thinking that he cant treat the person he loves with disrespect
That's four years. Believe me the next four will go faster, and pretty soon 25 will have flown past so fast you'll wonder what the heck happened to your life. IT GOES SO FAST! How do you want to spend it honey? In agony? You are stronger than you know you are. Set your boundries, and don't let what he has done to your marraige shape you in a negative way (like cheating)
Look up 180. It might help you while you make up your mind. You don't NEED him like that. You need someone by your side, who respects not only you but your vows and your promises. HAS HE?
Reopen the MC demand. Go to IC if he won't. You need to detatch from needing him so you won't be scared to make a choice for yourself should he fail again.
You were too young to get married leave about having a child
The options you have are
2) Stay with him
Dont bring the other guy into the equation now. you are not ready for another relationship. Believe me. Your husbands indiscretions have sent you flying into other guys arms. Even if you want to get together with him, stay separated for some time then re-evaluate before you get together. Young women like you make one bad decision after another and jump from one bad relationship to another.
If you are planning to give your husband one last chance, tell him. Give him an ultimatum that you are tired and you want to file a divorce. Also tell him that you are talking to someone else. Sometimes the threat of divorce and losing your wife and son to another man is all it takes to wake him up. Be final about it. If he promises to change, get back together and attend marriage counselling. Give him a chance to change. If you notice no change over a period of time, jump ship
I never said that my actions were any better I am just saying that my cheating started in a different place.
SO the different place your cheating came is from paying him back for cheating? Those religious books you're reading should have mention not to do wrong only because you were done wrong. Don't repay evil for evil? (1 peter)
You just brushed off the fact that you met this nice man and blah blah blah and went back to pointing the finger back at him. You said you are 21. This is a problem for some young people that get married. Still children in the mind trying to do grown folk stuff.