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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Started the paperwork

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-30-2011, 12:59 AM   #31 (permalink)
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Send it
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Old 12-30-2011, 02:33 AM   #32 (permalink)
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Looks good. She is deflecting and blame shifting. She knows all this is her fault. Stay Strong.
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:05 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Send it

This is sort of the way my first marriage ended. She was conducting an online affair with a OM in another state. I got the ILYBNILWY speech and it went downhill from there. I didnt know anything about OM. I completely ignored all the signs. I found out about him through electronic means 2 mos after the speech. I snapped. Cut her off financially, exposed to her family. Filed for divorce immediately. She still hates me, thinks she did nothing wrong and last I heard is still with OM 8 years later. Fact is, I dont give a sh*t about her or the OM. The family I exposed her to still thinks she is crazy and want nothing to do with her, but are too polite to tell her that. They contact me on a regular basis and we have continued our friendship for the last 8 years (they're great people). This fact alone drives her CRAZY. She re wrote our history at the time she left and NO ONE believed her and wondered to me out loud why I put up with her sh*t for 10 years...good luck man, sincerely..
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Old 12-30-2011, 01:00 PM   #34 (permalink)
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+1 send it

She's completely blame shifting the affair and the consequences onto you.

and that shows she is neither accepting responsibility for her affair nor has any remorse.
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Old 12-30-2011, 02:50 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:43 PM   #36 (permalink)
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i don't think she has really come out of the fog yet...
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Old 01-01-2012, 10:49 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Hey guys thanks for the replies. I guess I should have been more specific, I had already sent it before I put it on here. So the fall out...

Surprisingly little to tell u the truth. I sent it out about ten thirty pm on Thursday night. I left that next morning to go on a snowboarding trip a few hours away. I didn't hear from her on Friday, but on Saturday she calls me twice and texts me twice and sends me an email saying she needed to talk to me all in the space of 20 min. Then like an hour later she sends me a text saying "I don't know why ur ignoring me but there are mistakes in our sep paperwork. I didn't get these till a couple hours later because I didnt take my phone on the slopes with me, and I decided that since I am in180 mode and I was with friends that I wasn't going to call her right back. So I waited until today when I was home and alone to call her back, braced for fireworks after my email to her. But surprisingly enough, we had an amicable chat about the sep papers. There were a couple mistakes in there, nothing big, and neither her or I were upset about them. We talk briefly about our son and how we are doing, keeping it very light and that was it... What is weird to me is that she never once mentioned anything about the email I sent her. Not one word, not even me saying how messed up it was that she was cheating on me in front of him. Knowing her that should have sent her into a level of pissed off that I have never seen before. Not a word. Between that and the flood of email/phone calls/text messages in 20 min and the email I sent her and her not mentioning it I am wondering what is really going on here. Let's look at the facts..

I sent her email on Thursday night, but she prob didn't read it till Friday. Didn't hear a peep from her, surprisingly enough, it should have had her seeing red and telling me how wrong I was and all the things I've done wrong according to her.

I assume she got the sep paperwork on Saturday. She knew it was coming, and the contents of the agreement. She repeatedly tries to contact me. Her final message says she wants to talk about the separation paperwork.

Today we talk about sep papers and little stuff, no relationship stuff. the mistakes in the sep paperwork were very minor, not something to flood all forms of communication with me trying to get a hold of me. No mention of email.

I have to admit I'm confused by her tactics. Lol... My working theory is that she initially wanted to talk about something else, but probably got frustrated when I didn't get a hold of her, so she is maintaining her cool attitude toward me. I've seen her do it in the past where if I don't get back to her on something right away(especially something where she has to be emotionally brave and has screwed her courage up or if she's upset) she will get kind of cold and stand offish and won't discuss whatever it was. Although I cant really say she was cold to me today. Our tones were more like when our marriage was good and we were making a decision on something. Not light and playful, but not all matter of fact and serious either. Hard to explain...

Interesting tidbit on OM. My friend says he posted on his Facebook " a woman will sell her soul for a little attention."
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Old 01-01-2012, 11:10 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Even thought the OM is a POS for being with a M women, he is so right about that!
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Old 01-02-2012, 01:39 PM   #39 (permalink)
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yes he is...and i figured this is what this whole affair is about...still trying to figure yesterday out though...
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Old 01-02-2012, 03:02 PM   #40 (permalink)
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i would love to hear what you guys think about this last little encounter...i think i have things figured out, but i doubt myself, and its always good to have an objective opinion...thats why i post stuff on here, for emotional support and objective opinions...and it gives me a safe place to vent besides my couple of confidants who i talk to about this...i guess i dont want to burn them out listening to me.
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Old 01-02-2012, 03:08 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Default Re: Started the paperwork

It seems that she knows it is useless to deny the affair and may be even feeling that she deserves to be dumped by you.
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Old 01-02-2012, 03:49 PM   #42 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by morituri View Post
It seems that she knows it is useless to deny the affair and may be even feeling that she deserves to be dumped by you.
If that's true, why hasn't she come clean about the affair?
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Old 01-02-2012, 04:09 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by dymo View Post
If that's true, why hasn't she come clean about the affair?
What's the point in coming clean when the truth is already known?
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Old 01-02-2012, 04:45 PM   #44 (permalink)
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Old 01-02-2012, 04:57 PM   #45 (permalink)
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I am a believer in marriage and in reconciliation. However, if you have already reached the point where you are filing papers, file them. Serve them. You don't need paperwork on autos to file the papers. Get it done and over with. Delay, if I am understanding your situation, does not help your legal situation. With delay, anything can happen legally and none of it is good. If you really have a lawyer and not just a paralegal assisting you, assert your rights and protect yourself. if you don't have a lawyer and are trying to get assistance so you can file your own papers, get a lawyer. If you want to try to get back with her after the divorce, get a prenup. The law in NY on separation is a little different than law in other states. Unless you were JAG in the military, get help.
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