Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 02:14 PM Thread Starter
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You need to see a therapist and probably also attend a 12 step group called Sex And Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)

https://slaafws.org/
Thank you. They do have some articles I have started reading and I do see a lot of it rings true. Overal this might be helpful except for the fact that I am an atheist. But I just scheduled an appointment with an addictions specialist ( though he mostly works with drug/alcohol addicts, I think it might still be helpful).
Also before anyone says anything about being an atheist explains my lack of moral character, my very moral husband is a prime example of what it means to have integrity and morality even when he does not believe in a god or any spiritual beings.
But again thanks.

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post #17 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 02:28 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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Thank you. They do have some articles I have started reading and I do see a lot of it rings true. Overal this might be helpful except for the fact that I am an atheist.
But again thanks.
Religious based support groups can be very helpful even for the nonreligious, you just need to disregard the religious based aspects of it. I am not speaking from personal experience here, rather from knowing someone very well who is an athiest and benefited from AA in particular.

Things are more like they are now, than they ever were before - Dwight D Eisenhower
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post #18 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 02:43 PM Thread Starter
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Have you asked your husband what he wants? From what you have written, it sounds like he is done and wants out. But that may just be an angry reaction to you reverting to old behavior. I think he was testing you to see if he could trust you to be friends with men on FaceBook.

What do you want? Do you want to save your marriage? If so why?

Sit down and have an honest talk with your husband including your opinion of why you seek attention of men on FB.
Browser, this may address your comment about whether my husband is done with me.
I cannot tell to be honest. The thing is every single time he has found out about my transgressions (4 x or so) I have gone into panic mode and sort of stop my behavior immediately out of fear of losing him. But he has told me this before and rightfully so, that every time he feels like he can relax and no longer has to be monitoring my every move (which is limited to facebook/messanger as I do not exchange any other information like my address, phone number, email address) within days I go back to my old ways.
What i think is something we talk about several months ago and that is that he would stay with me as to minimize disrupting our daughter's life. Not long before my jnitial transgression we were living like roommates anyways (mostly my fault, I was chronically depressed).
Honestly I do not know what i want. I think my whole life I've lived it trying to do what I believe I should do even when I may have been dissatisfied.
I never imagined a life without my husband and our daughter. That is definitely what i do not want. I want the three of us healthy and happy...but perhaps I have to accept that Ido not have it in me to be a decent wife.
Ideally I want to keep my marriage and be happy. When my initiak EA was discovered H and I were forced to look at pur marriage and accept the fact that we had been largely unhappy. Of course I never let him blame himself and he never did do that for my cheating. But we finally used that as a way of starting over. I was at the time still cosleeping with my daughter and so the first thing we did was to change the sleeping arrangement. I realized that both he and I missed our time together. We had practically none. We both work full time jobs with very long commute times and we are basically just caring for our daughter every free moment. So we essentially have an incredibly short amount of time where we are not exhausted and actually excited to spend time together.
In sum, when we have good times and we laugh and we share an inside joke and we take long walks and talk about us, I feel so very close to him and want nothing to get in our way. However life is not made up of just those silly happy moments and it seems that the minute I am not getting his attention and adoration I give up...
Sorry that went longer than I expected. For now my husband has asked that I try to leave him alkne for the whole weekend. He is extremely angry which is something so unlike him. He wants revange and has told me he will contact some women he knows on facebook just so I feel the same pain I put him through. I do not know, I do not want a miserable marriage. I do not want him avoiding me. Of course it scares and bothers me that he would pursue other women. I hate to know that I am pushing him to do that. I am not excusing his behavior but I can understand how the agony he is in could cause him to go against his own ethics and morality.
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post #19 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 02:48 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

Well if that is your husbands solution to the problem, maybe you just need to end things. That's the way a 2 year old would react - "You broke MY toy so now I'm gonna break YOURS." It sounds like things might be broken beyond repair.

You will have far more success working on yourself without him pulling stunts like that.

Oh, and SLAA and other 12 step groups tell you that if you aren't Christian, you choose whatever higher power works for you and approach things that way. My husband is in SA and that's what he does
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post #20 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 02:51 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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I never imagined a life without my husband and our daughter. That is definitely what i do not want. I want the three of us healthy and happy
It's time to start thinking about what he wants not what you want, because what you want-your marriage and also be able to do all these online mini affairs or whatever cannot coexist.

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For now my husband has asked that I try to leave him alkne for the whole weekend.
So, leave him alone. I know you're a mess, you want to talk to him and have him tell you everything will be ok. Well it may not be ok, and you're just going to have to suck it up until he's ready to deal with you, if ever.

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He is extremely angry which is something so unlike him. He wants revange and has told me he will contact some women he knows on facebook just so I feel the same pain I put him through.
He's speaking out of anger and frustration because he doesn't have the balls to walk away so he feels trapped. Maybe he'll go chat with other women as some sort of "online mini revenge affair" which will of course accomplish nothing but it may satisfy him temporarily which may buy you some time to try to fix what's broken inside of you although I have my doubts about you achieving effective results any time soon, you simply have no self control or filter and the bulk of what you write is all about your wants and needs, little to nothing about him, only about what he might do to you because of how he feels.

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I do not know, I do not want a miserable marriage. I do not want him avoiding me.
It's no longer about what you want or don't want. The only decision within your own control right now is to divorce him, if you aren't willing to do that then it's up to him.

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Originally Posted by Itwasjustafantasy View Post
Of course it scares and bothers me that he would pursue other women. I hate to know that I am pushing him to do that. I am not excusing his behavior but I can understand how the agony he is in could cause him to go against his own ethics and morality.
While you're waiting around and wondering what he's up to, do some Google searches on karma.

Things are more like they are now, than they ever were before - Dwight D Eisenhower

Last edited by browser; 12-25-2016 at 10:25 PM.
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post #21 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 04:05 PM Thread Starter
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It's time to start thinking about what he wants not what you want, because what you want (your marriage and also be able to do all these online mini affairs or whatever.

It's no longer about what you want or don't want. The only decision within your own control right now is to divorce him, if you aren't willing to do that then it's up to him.

While you're waiting around and wondering what he's up to, do some Google searches on karma.
Thanks for your feedback. I believe the right thing to do would be to divorce him...that is what I should do. My husband may be the one who woud initiate that. And I do know it is not what I want so I will not get in his way. I want to beg him to stay with me but that would be pure manipulation on my part. I've done enough of that. I want my marriage to work but only if such is what we both want.

I am tired of hearing myself say that I am sorry because it is obviously meaningless. I will give him his space and won't try to keep him from doing whatever he thinks would help him. I cannot control what he doesjust like unfortunately he couldn't do with me.

Your final paragraph confuses me a bit. Sorry not only English is not my first language but also I am not very good at picking up nuances or sarcasm or anything that could lend itself to misinterpretation. What do you mean to Google "Karma"? I do have a general idea of what it means. I am a staunch skeptic and I do not believe in anything spiritual or extrasensorial or without any scientific basis. But please if you care to share more abot it I am willing to listen.
Thanks again.
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post #22 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 04:34 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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What do you mean to Google "Karma"? I do have a general idea of what it means. I am a staunch skeptic and I do not believe in anything spiritual or extrasensorial or without any scientific basis. But please if you care to share more abot it I am willing to listen.
Thanks again.
I don't believe in anything spiritual or extrasensorial either. I'm an athiest and skeptic in the truest sense of the word; I think astrology and psychics and life after death and ghosts and all of that paranormal phenomena is complete and utter BS.

Karma: means action, work or deed; it also refers to the spiritual principle of cause and effect where intent and actions of an individual (cause) influence the future of that individual (effect).

Ok, now that I look closer, I realize the word "spiritual" is in the commonly accepted definition. So leave the word out, to me it just means your actions can come back to bite you and in your case they have and continue to do so.

Things are more like they are now, than they ever were before - Dwight D Eisenhower
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post #23 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 04:58 PM Thread Starter
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Ok, now that I look closer, I realize the word "spiritual" is in the commonly accepted definition. So leave the word out, to me it just means your actions can come back to bite you and in your case they have and continue to do so.
Ok. I understand. Well I am not waiting around to see what he may or may not do. I simply cannot control that...I am actually trying to figure out how do I look at my little girl's face and tell her what a ****ty person I am and how I have destroyed her sense of safety that comes from an intact family.
I am thinking about how I can fix myself and how can I ever look at myself in the mirror without disgust and disappointment.
I worry about how my husband sending screenshots of a sexually suggestive conversation and half naked man to my family will affect them..and how will it forever change how we think of the holiday...I am not religious but they are, Christmas is meaninful to them beyond just gifts. Of course I should've thought about that before I acted the way I did.
I worry about my husband. But he is a good man. We both make good salaries, he is very financially savvy and is in excellent physical shape. I am sure he won't have any difficulty finding someone to love, except of course for the fact that I may have forever damaged his ability to trust and to be vulnerable. He was always such a happy go lucky person, just the opposite of me. He is an optimist and chooses to see the best in everything and everyone. I am rather pessimistic and a worrier. How did he ever choose me? I feel awful knowing that there were/are so many wonderful good women out there that could have been a better choice for him.
That is all for now. Thanks.
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post #24 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 05:42 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

Itwas,

Did you offer to take a polygraph and sign a post nuptial?

He might not believe that you only had EAs.

Tamat
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post #25 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 06:30 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

Facebook is making you miserable. It is full of people telegraphing their fantasy life to the world.
It makes you believe that your life is somehow less fulfilled because of this.

Remove facebook and all the other social media from your life and your life it will improve.

Go through every post on Facebook and delete them one by one.
Remove all personal contact details from facebook and replace it with generic information
Unfriend everybody on Facebook. No explanation, no final messages. Just unfriend.
When every post, every photo, every chat message is deleted then and only then delete your account

Do this for every other social media that you have a significant presence at too.


Your life will feel quiet and empty for about three days and then all of a sudden you will realize how ridiculous it all was.

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post #26 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 06:33 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

If you were my wife, after all these second chances, we would be done.

Facebook isn't for everyone. It's certainly not for you. Just saying.

Focus on your daughter. Try to be the best mom you can be going forward.

My story: After a night on the town with him, wife exchanged inappropriate texts with her former boss.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...-she-road.html
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post #27 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 06:38 PM Thread Starter
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Itwas,

Did you offer to take a polygraph and sign a post nuptial?

He might not believe that you only had EAs.

Tamat
That's a good observation. Well right now he is hurting a lot and so I am giving him the space he asked for. As soon as he is willing to talk i could suggest it. But the truth is that to him a PA would be as bad as an EA. He knows that I am for lack of a better word too timid to dare go and actually meet with someone in real life. The two recent men I was messaging with are located in other countries and again neither one expressed any desire other than to keep things as they are, just chatting. I hate to admit that my own husband said to me that he is sure that the man I originally became emotionally attached to had made no attempt to contact me not because he is necessarily a man with integrity but more so because I made it quite obvious that I have an obsessive personality and may have even scared him away as I was essentially stalking him (logging on to facebook at the hours I knew he was on it, poating on the group where he is an administrator just to get his attention, etc).
This man had never shown any interest in me and it was me who suggested we should meet one day (at the time it was a lie to keep him or get him interested in me) and he perhaps was at best just going along with my flirting. I explained in the original thread that is currently deleted that I had never even seen a picture of this man, I knew he had sone serious health issues and that he is 2 decades older than me. And the last communication I had with him he asked me to focus on my husband and that was that. He does live in the same town I work but sadly it took these 2 last men to "get over him." So there is essentially no chance of me ever trying to meet with him.

I think that a PA would not necessarily be the end of my marriage. It is the one year of driving my husband insane, paranoid, stressed about when I would seek out male attention again. That is what has pretty much demolished any trace of love he had left for me. He is beyond hurt to know that these 2 other men are over a decade to 2 decades older than me. My husband takes very good care of his appearance for himself but I am sure because he wishes I appreciated it as much. For him to find out that I couldn't care less about it is devastating. He loves working out and I know he is a bit unsure about the fact that he is aging (losing hair, not having the stamina and strength he used to have when he used to do bodybuilding contests, etc). He felt that all in all in spite of the fact that I am not as fit as he is, others have said how lucky he is to be with someone like me (of course they were only referring to my physical appearance) and he always feared I would leave him for someone more physically attractive. So it is a slap in the face that I go around seeking the attention of much older men who are not quite good looking or certainly nowhere near in as good shape as he is (again he is a personal trainer so he does have what I would consider above average looks when it comes to his body).
I am sorrry that I went off on a tangent here but hopefully it helps have a better understanding of my situation.
I will definetly offer a polygraph but even if it comes out ok it is the fact that Icannot ever be trusted again that is the problem.
Nothing can foretell the future so unless he treats me like a chained dog I can understand how nothing will provide him any peace of mind.
Thanks for your input.
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post #28 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 08:22 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

Fantasy, You have come here, bared your soul, exposed yourself to the wolf pack and endured. This must have taken a lot of courage for you to do and it appears you are remorseful and miserable. That said, why not put that much effort into fixing yourself. You need to see a councilor skilled in dealing with your thoughts and emotions to help you overcome your lack of self esteem and need for attention. That has been done many times for people.
All you can do is try to overcome your problems and make yourself a better person for yourself and your daughter. It is up to your husband whether he wants to be with that person or not. You're only going to accomplish that if you stop wallowing in the self pity and start fixing yourself.
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post #29 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 08:49 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

A few questions for you. Have you always been like this? When did you first give in to the temptation to carry flirtation too far? Are you on SSRIs?
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post #30 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 09:01 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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Fantasy, You have come here, bared your soul, exposed yourself to the wolf pack and endured. This must have taken a lot of courage for you to do and it appears you are remorseful and miserable. That said, why not put that much effort into fixing yourself. You need to see a councilor skilled in dealing with your thoughts and emotions to help you overcome your lack of self esteem and need for attention. That has been done many times for people.
All you can do is try to overcome your problems and make yourself a better person for yourself and your daughter. It is up to your husband whether he wants to be with that person or not. You're only going to accomplish that if you stop wallowing in the self pity and start fixing yourself.
No offense but I hate posts like this, courage is getting help and saving your family, doing the hard thing is not continuing to destroy her innocent daughter's future. There is absolutely nothing courageous posting about it to a bunch of strangers on the internet who have absolutely no bearing or impact on her life. There is no real exposure here, posting here seems to fit into her pattern of living her life inside an internet bubble.

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