Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-25-2016, 08:09 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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Originally Posted by ShatteredStill View Post
My brother took his own life over his wife's infidelity & cruel behavior. WS frequently underestimate the agony that they inflict on others. I know it's human nature to attempt to justify our actions, particularly to ourselves! I know it sounds trite for me to say "Just STOP!" but you have been given so many chances AND far too much understanding & compassion in my opinion.

Your husband has been an incredibly supportive & loving man. You have been truly blessed in life. It's time to repay him, even if you don't stay together. He has earnt it! My advise to you is change, grow, become the wife he so deserves.

I hope that you are spending Christmas together as a family for your daughters sake. I hope that your husband gives you one more chance & you spend the rest of your live earning it.
You hope that your husband gives her one more chance? Why, just so they can stay married? This is a women who has repeatedly abused him. He deserves so much better then she will ever be even if she changes. He can never have the kind of relationship he could have with someone else if he starts over. OP should let him go and find better, not try to keep him. Sounds like he is moving on no one here should be encouraging her to try to get him to stop.


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post #47 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 04:29 AM
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If your H decides to try to save the marriage, then you need to do a lot of work.

If you are willing to do that. Kill FB, and more... You need to start today and of course counseling for yourself and MC for the two of you. But from what you posted, you MUST have men boosting your ego. To be disired by others.

If you think it's the ability to change will never happen or maybe several years of therapy or after today, KNOWING what you've done is wrong and you get in fb to flirt again... Even if it's next week. Then cut the cord and free your husband. Don't do it anymore, hurting him. Free him before you do another EA.

I can assure you. The pain you feel is nothing to what a BS goes thru.

Then be A single woman with the freedom to do what you want without guilt. You're doing him a favor to find someone else. And you're not hurting him anymore.

A long term friend (4 years longer than my wife) of mine helped me when my WW broke us. Even thou I knew she had cheated and now divorced her husband when she was about 21. She doesn't have a boyfriend period. She dates or has NSA sex when she wants. No lies, no bullcrap. She helped as a friend as I was falling apart. Not sex. I respect the person she is today and have returned the favor of being there when she needed a friend.

As you should already know, the medical field is perhaps the highest in infidelity.

Choose... And of course your husband has a say in all this. If you can't be faithful, then free him.
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post #48 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 09:10 AM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

Since you are deliberately ignoring advice and picking and choosing the things you answer I assume your answer to deleting Facebook is NO

I suppose that there was a small hope you would see that it was so destructive that you would actually want to stop.
It is clear that you do not. While i am constantly amazed at the power of the online fantasy. I am no longer surprised.

The reason your husband is having less and less problems with the idea of Divorce is very simple. You are choosing men of zero value (in any sense) on facebook over him. Your refusal to stop this frankly absurd behaviour tells him everything he needs to know about how you feel about him.

Contempt.

When it all goes quiet in a few of years, when your Facebook friends have moved on to the next thing and your Husband has found someone new. When your child understands your desire overrode hew real need for a Mother and stable family. Only then will you see what you have done.
Then it is too late. You will be alone.
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post #49 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 10:04 AM Thread Starter
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My hope is that by next year I will at least be able to say that I did all I could to be a better person and a better mother to my little one. Of course I'd like to say that I would be a good wife to my H but at this point that is out of my hands.
I just deleted my facebook account. I had kept it on thinking about saying goodbye to a couple of friends first but then it is likely that some may not even notice my absence. I have become attached to these complete strangers in an unhealthy way but it has to end.
I have become such a skilled manipulator and liar that I do not even trust myself to make real changes in my life. But I have to try. I have a therapy appointment for later roday with a therapist I was seeing a while ago. She wasn't the most helpful, suffice is to say that she had originally said to me that had my H not found out about my first one-sided EA, I should've kept it to myself and perhaps even just keep in friendly terms with that man. I was shocked but also she said exactly wjat i wanted to hear as it helped me rationalize and minimize the damage my behavior had caused. Now, I do not blame this therapist as when she suggested this neither she nor I were fully aware of how my obsession with that man would take over my life for a very long time. I saw this therapist for less than a month, I had been off facebook for that time and I believed I was "all cured." I believed I could eventually forget about that man and since I had no access to him I figured all would be okay.
I have scheduled another session with a different therapist but that won't happen until 2 weeks from today unfortunately.
I just need to speak to someone today outside of this forum.
Thanks again.
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post #50 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 12:05 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

Personally I don't think you should be married to anyone for a long time. Doesn't seem to be in your skill set. A year form now your husband will be in a much better place. Let him go and find someone who loves him more then themselves and their own attention span. You need to work long and hard on your issues and you need to do that alone where you can no longer do damage to another human being. I would say the same thing to someone who was a physical abuser. No difference really, bruises actually heal faster.
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post #51 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 12:11 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

There's a free download book by Linda McDonald "How to help your spouse heal from an affair" (check the exact wording/spelling. It will come-up when you start typing). Really read it without thinking "...but I didn't have an affair!". Decide if you think it's worth sharing it with your H & working through it.

If he is willing to give you another chance there are other books like 'Love Languages' with questionnaires you can work on together to get closer.

I know that our gut reactions make us feel defensive. To me it's about that fine line between hollow grovelling "I deserve everything. I'm an awful person!" & defense. BOTH are infuriating to a BS. Action is the answer!! I asked my H to read the McDonald book & "Not Just Frieds" because I truly believed they could help our marriage & family. They could help ME. I live in agony. His response was, "I tried reading them but it's just more of the same old stuff!"....another straw on the camels back! Another step closer to divorce!

You know that the Facebook has to stop don't you? Action!
You need therapy (??) or selfhelp & introspection (I'm a fan of that) Action!

You need time together to work through this. Listen. Don't be self pitying. Tell him your actions. Ask what he needs from you & give it. Because you've had so very many chances it may take a long time but assure him that he's in control & you can only imagine how you've hurt him. You will do the work. You will be there for him whatever he chooses.

I believe it's close to impossible to truly understand the utter devastation reaped on the betrayed. But try!! With all your heart & mind try. As I said, it needs to be ALL about HIM. You've hit him with a truck, reversed & done it again & again & again because it felt good. Now you have to heal him. Think of all the love & romance you pine for?? Does he need nothing? EMPATHY! It's been all about you & your needs for far too long.

I do honestly wish you well. I'm a hapless romantic. To a degree I get-it....but not so far as to destroy those I love.
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post #52 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 12:15 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

Actively sit on Facebook & UNFRIEND every single man who is not family.
Send NC letters to every man stating what a shallow lie it all was. They are to NEVER contact you again. You love your husband & only your husband.
Drop every single person who supported or encouraged your behavior.
Your only friends should be friends of your marriage.

Show your husband ACTIONS!
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post #53 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 06:55 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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My hope is that by next year I will at least be able to say that I did all I could to be a better person and a better mother to my little one. Of course I'd like to say that I would be a good wife to my H but at this point that is out of my hands.
I just deleted my facebook account. I had kept it on thinking about saying goodbye to a couple of friends first but then it is likely that some may not even notice my absence. I have become attached to these complete strangers in an unhealthy way but it has to end.
Good. At last an action.
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Originally Posted by Itwasjustafantasy View Post
I have become such a skilled manipulator and liar that I do not even trust myself to make real changes in my life.
Nahh. Actually you aren't very good at it (which may come as relief). We have had some olympic gold level manipulators on here. You are terrible at spotting them.

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Originally Posted by Itwasjustafantasy View Post
I have a therapy appointment for later today with a therapist I was seeing a while ago. She wasn't the most helpful, suffice is to say that she had originally said to me that had my H not found out about my first one-sided EA, I should've kept it to myself and perhaps even just keep in friendly terms with that man.
Therapists are divided pretty equally between telling and not telling. Since it was one sided and online she was probably hoping that reality would kick in! Obviously not.

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I saw this therapist for less than a month, I had been off facebook for that time and I believed I was "all cured." I believed I could eventually forget about that man and since I had no access to him I figured all would be okay.
You are not obsessed with a man. You are obsessed with the idea of a man. You have constructed an ideal and that has absolutely nothing to do with reality. Reflecting your desires, their words connecting with you deeply. imagine.. Raw emotion.. understanding you! . the broken sentences, the accidental typos. Before long you imagine a gentle man who listens.
It is all bollocks of course

We call them Emotional Affairs. They were once called Affairs of the Heart . I prefer that name as it describes the reason it destroys marriage and real love.
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post #54 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 09:39 PM Thread Starter
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You are not obsessed with a man. You are obsessed with the idea of a man. You have constructed an ideal and that has absolutely nothing to do with reality. Reflecting your desires, their words connecting with you deeply. imagine.. Raw emotion.. understanding you! . the broken sentences, the accidental typos. Before long you imagine a gentle man who listens.
It is all bollocks of course

We call them Emotional Affairs. They were once called Affairs of the Heart . I prefer that name as it describes the reason it destroys marriage and real love.
Yes, this I have heard this before. At least in regards to the first man I ever exchanged messages with, he himself told me that I did not know him and that I had created a fantasy in mind, an idea of who he is. Even when he spelled it out to me in that manner, I struggled with coming to terms with that reality. And my obsession with him lasted almost a whole year now...until I conveniently replaced him with the last 2 men.
I went to see my therapist and she pretty much suggested what she had in the past and I never put into practice. She stated that it is obvious I am missing excitment in my life but I am seeking it in a very unhelathy way while putting my marriage and family in grave danger of being destroyed.

She also said that there are many things out there that I can do to bring excitement tomy life that not only wouldn't jeopardize my marriage but would also bring me pride and happiness vs what I am doing now which in the end leaves me feeling even more worthless and ashamed. She is right, facebook to me is the easy and lazy way to have fun, to feel excitement because I am too afraid to venture in the real world. It is quite easy to be on facebook any time of the day without having to get out of bed or out of my couch or simply outside.

My husband finally agreed to talk to me while our daughter was on a playdate. He stated how hurt and disappointed he was and how he knows he cannot compete with the attention I get from 600+ facebook friends. He stated that he does not want to live his life monitoring every move I make and worrying about when will be the next time that i engage in inappropriate behavior. He also said that he is happy that this time I took it upon myself to schedule a therapy appointment and to delete facebook without him asking for it. He finallt said that right now he does not trust me and wants me to decide whether I really want him and only him. He said he won't accept someone who is settling and who does not find him attractive or enough. I listened to him, I apologized and told him that I am giving myself another chance at becoming a better person and that I will accept whatever decision he thinks is best for our family. I told him that my actions are not that of a loving wife and that I truly want to save our marriage. I told him that I have acted in a selffish, inmature manner, expecting for oir marriage to be full of joy and excitement 24/7 and that is my problem that I need to fix.
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post #55 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 09:48 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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Yes, this I have heard this before. At least in regards to the first man I ever exchanged messages with, he himself told me that I did not know him and that I had created a fantasy in mind, an idea of who he is. Even when he spelled it out to me in that manner, I struggled with coming to terms with that reality. And my obsession with him lasted almost a whole year now...until I conveniently replaced him with the last 2 men.
I went to see my therapist and she pretty much suggested what she had in the past and I never put into practice. She stated that it is obvious I am missing excitment in my life but I am seeking it in a very unhelathy way while putting my marriage and family in grave danger of being destroyed.

She also said that there are many things out there that I can do to bring excitement tomy life that not only wouldn't jeopardize my marriage but would also bring me pride and happiness vs what I am doing now which in the end leaves me feeling even more worthless and ashamed. She is right, facebook to me is the easy and lazy way to have fun, to feel excitement because I am too afraid to venture in the real world. It is quite easy to be on facebook any time of the day without having to get out of bed or out of my couch or simply outside.

My husband finally agreed to talk to me while our daughter was on a playdate. He stated how hurt and disappointed he was and how he knows he cannot compete with the attention I get from 600+ facebook friends. He stated that he does not want to live his life monitoring every move I make and worrying about when will be the next time that i engage in inappropriate behavior. He also said that he is happy that this time I took it upon myself to schedule a therapy appointment and to delete facebook without him asking for it. He finallt said that right now he does not trust me and wants me to decide whether I really want him and only him. He said he won't accept someone who is settling and who does not find him attractive or enough. I listened to him, I apologized and told him that I am giving myself another chance at becoming a better person and that I will accept whatever decision he thinks is best for our family. I told him that my actions are not that of a loving wife and that I truly want to save our marriage. I told him that I have acted in a selffish, inmature manner, expecting for oir marriage to be full of joy and excitement 24/7 and that is my problem that I need to fix.


Now go do it, not just say it. Actions are going to regain his trust if its possible.


I think I'm afraid to be happy. Because whenever I get to happy, something bad always happens.
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post #56 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 11:10 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

Itwasjustafantasy : your latest post about therapy and it seems your husband is giving you a chance. Then by all means, DON'T F- This up!
For now on, be honest. If you cannot be honest with him... let him go.

I'd recommend that you even tell him that. That YOU WANT to be married to him and will everything you can. But also, that if you feel that YOU CANNOT do it... that you will tell him, BEFORE you start something up on facebook or IRL. That is the thing about EA... eventually, they turn into PAs. Even at work. Because unlike Facebook, you cannot delete your job or co-workers.

Read the book "not just friends" and have him read it too. Have bookmarks for the two of you.

If you can't do it 6months from now or later. Then move on, and let him do it. Continue to work on yourself but also don't plan on getting married anytime soon... just be single and do NSA and be honest about it.

Good luck. Its up to you to do YOUR part.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #57 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 11:36 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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He stated how hurt and disappointed he was and how he knows he cannot compete with the attention I get from 600+ facebook friends. He stated that he does not want to live his life monitoring every move I make and worrying about when will be the next time that i engage in inappropriate behavior. He also said that he is happy that this time I took it upon myself to schedule a therapy appointment and to delete facebook without him asking for it. He finallt said that right now he does not trust me and wants me to decide whether I really want him and only him. He said he won't accept someone who is settling and who does not find him attractive or enough.
Smart man and you may be coming back from the brink. Just.. In.. time..

Next Give him access to all your communication devices:
  • Your email username and password
  • Your hidden email username and password
  • Your facebook username and password. You can not really delete a facebook account. it is just deactivated.
  • Unlock your phone. Hand it to him
  • Delete the apps that allow social networking

This is not about giving him control of you. It about you saying. Here. I don't trust myself and you are the one I trust

Look at him with fresh eyes.

Good work by the way.

With 600 friends you would be seeing the highly edited highlights almost every hour! After a few days off Facebook you will realize that everyone's life is a bit boring sometimes. A bit mundane.
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post #58 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 05:28 AM Thread Starter
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Thanks everyone for your input, the resources you shared and the encouragement. I need it and will use it.
My intention at this point is to give myself another chance...I've almost lost faith that I am capable of making real changes to better myself and of course the tragic consequences are not just felt by me but by the people I love the most.

Just to address a couple of things brought up in regards to facebook. Right before removing the app from my phone and deactivating my account, I had started unfriending people...lots of strangers that I didn't even remember why I friended in the first place. The vast majority were single men though there were some married men and some women with whom I hardly ever interacted. I have left some male friends that I have known for a couple of years (not IRL just via facebook) who have never shown any ulterior motives and have respected the fact that I am a married woman. They have never ever posted anything close to inappropriate and I myself never tried to be flirtatious* with them in any way. I also deleted all posts/replies where I thought I was being funny or harmlessly flirtatious, I am ashamed of the things I put out there for the world to see...such disrespect for my husband.

I have no facebook or real life friends that were aware of my indiscretions, I kept it all to myself because I knew it was wrong.
Finally, I went ahead and deactivated the account. I have given my password to my husband.

The sad thing is that right before I interacted with the last 2 men, I was so sure I wouldn't ever engage is such behavior* (honestly I never had before except for the original EA almost a year ago now) that I had changed my password and added it to a list of usernames/passwords my husband and I can access. I figured if my husband had this information then I would hold myself accountable but obviously it did not keep me from doing what I did.

Besides facebook I only have instagram. I have set it to private, I do not post anything but I do follow a few women there. I struggle with some serious body image problems and one thing that has helped me improve my confidence is to follow women who are in the body positive movement and all their posts are inspirational. I have set it up in a way that I will not get notifications of people to follow and it is not linked to my facebook account.
This perhaps is the only social networking app that has yielded some positive effects in my life. And my husband agrees with this.
So I do still have this app in my phone.

Currently my husband has access to my work and 2 personal email accounts. He has access to my facebook account and to my instagram. I have no secret accounts of any kind.

Ultimately my husband just wishes he didn't have to monitor me as if I was a little child. The goal is for me to be unwilling to engage in flirtatious and any behavior disrespectful to my husband to the point where this monitoring is not needed.
But my past history has shown that I cannot be trusted.

I thank everyone honestly for taking the time to share your thoughts, advice, encouragement, etc. I hope you all do not mind but unlike the first time I came here to TAM and conveniently ignored or failed to follow through with any of the recommended actions, I intend to use this thread as a way of keeping myself accountable. I may be posting from time to time to share updates.

I am so afraid of failure and tend to quit the moment something doesn't go as planned. But I want to get it right this time, for myself, for my loving husband, for our beautiful child.

It has been now almost a whole day without facebook and it is not as bad as I thought it would be. I do not sleep well and wake up at least once or twice at night and my first instinct has always been to check my facebook updates. Instead I have come here. I do not want to replace one addiction for another but for now TAM is a much healthier alternative.

Again I thank you all for reading and sincerely welcome your feedback.
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post #59 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 08:20 AM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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Originally Posted by Itwasjustafantasy View Post
Thanks everyone for your input, the resources you shared and the encouragement. I need it and will use it.
My intention at this point is to give myself another chance...I've almost lost faith that I am capable of making real changes to better myself and of course the tragic consequences are not just felt by me but by the people I love the most.

Just to address a couple of things brought up in regards to facebook. Right before removing the app from my phone and deactivating my account, I had started unfriending people...lots of strangers that I didn't even remember why I friended in the first place. The vast majority were single men though there were some married men and some women with whom I hardly ever interacted. I have left some male friends that I have known for a couple of years (not IRL just via facebook) who have never shown any ulterior motives and have respected the fact that I am a married woman. They have never ever posted anything close to inappropriate and I myself never tried to be flirtatious* with them in any way. I also deleted all posts/replies where I thought I was being funny or harmlessly flirtatious, I am ashamed of the things I put out there for the world to see...such disrespect for my husband.

I have no facebook or real life friends that were aware of my indiscretions, I kept it all to myself because I knew it was wrong.
Finally, I went ahead and deactivated the account. I have given my password to my husband.

The sad thing is that right before I interacted with the last 2 men, I was so sure I wouldn't ever engage is such behavior* (honestly I never had before except for the original EA almost a year ago now) that I had changed my password and added it to a list of usernames/passwords my husband and I can access. I figured if my husband had this information then I would hold myself accountable but obviously it did not keep me from doing what I did.

Besides facebook I only have instagram. I have set it to private, I do not post anything but I do follow a few women there. I struggle with some serious body image problems and one thing that has helped me improve my confidence is to follow women who are in the body positive movement and all their posts are inspirational. I have set it up in a way that I will not get notifications of people to follow and it is not linked to my facebook account.
This perhaps is the only social networking app that has yielded some positive effects in my life. And my husband agrees with this.
So I do still have this app in my phone.

Currently my husband has access to my work and 2 personal email accounts. He has access to my facebook account and to my instagram. I have no secret accounts of any kind.

Ultimately my husband just wishes he didn't have to monitor me as if I was a little child. The goal is for me to be unwilling to engage in flirtatious and any behavior disrespectful to my husband to the point where this monitoring is not needed.
But my past history has shown that I cannot be trusted.

I thank everyone honestly for taking the time to share your thoughts, advice, encouragement, etc. I hope you all do not mind but unlike the first time I came here to TAM and conveniently ignored or failed to follow through with any of the recommended actions, I intend to use this thread as a way of keeping myself accountable. I may be posting from time to time to share updates.

I am so afraid of failure and tend to quit the moment something doesn't go as planned. But I want to get it right this time, for myself, for my loving husband, for our beautiful child.

It has been now almost a whole day without facebook and it is not as bad as I thought it would be. I do not sleep well and wake up at least once or twice at night and my first instinct has always been to check my facebook updates. Instead I have come here. I do not want to replace one addiction for another but for now TAM is a much healthier alternative.

Again I thank you all for reading and sincerely welcome your feedback.
Your husband, rightly so, has made the statement he does not trust you nor wants to constantly monitor your accounts. That is fine for a while.

So why don't you take the ultimate step on your own and tells your husband that within six months you want him to schedule unannounced a polygraph test where the first question will be "Have you set up any new accounts or started any new relationships with men?". We all know how easy it is to set up new accounts. Much easier than fooling a polygraph test.

You being proactive in this without him asking will do two things
(1) give him some hope you intend on remaining faithful
(2) make it clear to yourself that you are not going to get away with it again.

And please stay away from any idiot IC or MC who advised you to continue to lie to your husband and not tell him anything and keep remaining friends with strange men by the dozens .
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post #60 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 08:40 AM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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Originally Posted by Itwasjustafantasy View Post
I used to binge eat
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Originally Posted by Itwasjustafantasy View Post
he realizes I love staying indoors watching documentaries
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Originally Posted by Itwasjustafantasy View Post
My BH is a personal trainer and he is in incredibly good shape for his age...unfortunately a person's physical appearance does pretty much nothing for me.
Clearly since apparently you enjoy eating, no physical activity and watching tv all day.

Sounds like you'd totally be someone he'd want to marry and put up with your affairs.

@Itwasjustafantasy - Yeah.... I this is all just a fantasy. Appropriate user name.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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