Originally Posted by Itwasjustafantasy View Post
I actually started doing some research on polygraphists in my area, not cheap but absolutely worth every penny if it were to bring my husband some peace of mind. And you are correct that likely my husband wil say it's not necessary but it will be, as sad and pathetic as it may sound to others, a gift to him as proof of my ability to take control of my life and be the spouse he deserves.
In regards to a divorce, I had not thought of it. I guess I will do some research on it too. Right now, understandably so, my husband expects me to take the initiative when it comes to doing what is necessary to prove to him he is making the best decision for himself, for our relationship. So I will research this next and discuss it with him.
Before January of this year, I had never ever come close to even flirting with men. I have always been very shy and compliments from men while I'd appreciate them, would make me rather uncomfortable. Since January of this year is when the online flirtatious behavior started and then I "fell" for the first man. He did/does live in the same city where I work but short of stalking him, I do no think an actual meeting would have ever happened. As soon as that man learned I was married (I told him after my husband found out which was exactly day 3 of exchanging messages) he said he would not want to interfere in my marriage and stopped any attempts at contacting me. A long te ago he did send me a friend request which I accepted but later had to unfriend/block when my husband found out. Since thw last time that i as back on facebook, once I unblocked him, and while he is a moderator of one of the groups I belong to, he never replied to any of my posts, never liked a post or reply made, never sent a friend request and never tried to contacte in any way.
The 2 other men happened in one day, just last week. For whatever reason I convinced myself it was all harmless flirting. To my knowledge neither men live in the US (which gave me a false sense of safety, and ability to minimize the magnitude of my behavior because "I would never ever meet these men in person.")
I do not know if it is worth mentioning but since I am actually willing to get the best advice poasible I want to be as honest as possible. My husband is the only man I have ever had any kind of sexual contact with, ever. He did have some prior sexual partners. In a way, facebook allowed me to be the person that I am not in real life, or more accurately it allowed me to behave in a way that I would never imagine doing in real life.
Now I am not fooling myself here, I never ever thought I would dare to flirt with complete strangers even online especially as a married woman but I went that far. So I am not going to pretend that there was/is absolutely zero chance of allowing an EA to become PA. I will always keep that in mind.
Look, first you need to understand something. Lets get it out there. Your situation is really not that unique or unusual, especially in women or men that have never had any other sexual partners. But you made the choice to say the vows knowing that so you have only a couple of choices
(1) go to a sex therapist with your husband and learn how to share your fantasies with your husband rather than other men. You just have to remember that fantasies are just that and do not need to be acted out on.
(2) have an open marriage, which 95% of men if they have any brains will reject outright.
(3) learn to deal with your demons or divorce and be free to do what you want.
What is unacceptable is to lie and deceive the man you are suppose to love. The other thing that you need to understand is the fact that you never imagined you would be in this position just puts you in the company of 95% of women who do cheat. A very small percentage planned it before it happened and if you read the books you will find that one of the first statements wayward wives make is " I never thought I would be here".
Now you have been caught twice, and if there is one thing you rerally need to build trust is to become accountable. That means more than giving your husbands passwords to electronic devices that he is not inclined to check. Here are a couple of other suggestions that YOU can do that may seem small but when you add them up they say something to your husband
(1) voluntarily put a GPS on your car.
(2) if you are not where you are supposed to be when you are supposed to be for any reason contact him and explain
(3) no GNO or out of town trips right now
(4) no male friend alone time
(5) and stay the hell off of Facebook and THIS GROUP the OM was on. Is the group more important than your marriage. If for some reason this OM really had wanted to get in your pants you know you would have met him and would have been in an entirely more unpleasant circumstance. And the law of averages just says that if you continue to flirt with men online you will stumble accross someone geographically with the ability to pressure you to meet. Happens all the time.
Now as far as your husband filing, I know he won;t do that unless he catches you again, and since I have no idea what makes him tick he might not leave you if you had a PA. But it sounds like he wants to rugsweep, which means other than him being hurt and a little mad you have no real life consequences.
If you read around this or any forum you want to, you will find that the quickest way to knock the fog of bad behavior out of a WW is to make her believe the end is imminent . Its amazing how quickly the "fog", which I call bull ****, dissipates. Your husband in my opinion is playing the pick me game, hoping you can stop it on your own without any action on his part. Take my word for it, if you knew that in 60 days your marriage would be over and that on the 59th day you were taking a polygraph test that you had better pass, you flirting with other men would not be so attractive. But that is up tto your husband. You do what you can. You are on the right mindset I believe in your willingness to do what it takes, but stop making excuses about sexual experience or anything else. If you can't be happy without another penis after you, then do the right thing and get a divorce and have as many partners as you want