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post #61 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 09:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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So why don't you take the ultimate step on your own and tells your husband that within six months you want him to schedule unannounced a polygraph test where the first question will be "Have you set up any new accounts or started any new relationships with men?". We all know how easy it is to set up new accounts. Much easier than fooling a polygraph .
Thanks, this is a great suggestion. I will definitely tell my husband about it.

In regards to that therapist, I just saw her yesterday because she was the one I could see the earliest. I have an appointment with a different therapist next week. I will see how that one goes.

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post #62 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 03:56 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

I continually find it so devastating at how so many people fall under the spell of technology.

Social media, phone apps, PS4, there are more avenues to cheat than potholes in Philadelphia.

The strange part is..... having an EA or PA is encouraged. I am so glad I grew up in the 70s and 80s.

People got along fine without smart phones (still never got one) and FB. OP maybe it would be a nice idea

to cut out as much technology as possible while you try to R.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #63 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 04:40 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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Thanks, this is a great suggestion. I will definitely tell my husband about it.

In regards to that therapist, I just saw her yesterday because she was the one I could see the earliest. I have an appointment with a different therapist next week. I will see how that one goes.

IJF,

Your husband is most likely going to say he doesn't want to do that. You do the research, you find an examiner experienced in infidelity, and then you tell your husband this is the length you want to go to to prove you are not at it again. And you tell him you will do this more than once.

Now, I can't remember, but if your husband has not filed for divorce, he should do that immediately. You know why???? because he can stop the divorce anytime YOU prove you have this addiction under control. if you do not stop this it is just a matter of time before one o these guys talks you in to meeting in person, and I am assuming you are telling us the truth that that has not occurred.
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post #64 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 05:05 PM
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As stated... You and other people in your position are on the edge of going PA. Both are bad COMBINED is even more so.

Also tell your H why you are changing therapist. That your current one was telling you to LIE! She was a waste of time to go back.
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post #65 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 05:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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IJF,

Your husband is most likely going to say he doesn't want to do that. You do the research, you find an examiner experienced in infidelity, and then you tell your husband this is the length you want to go to to prove you are not at it again. And you tell him you will do this more than once.

Now, I can't remember, but if your husband has not filed for divorce, he should do that immediately. You know why???? because he can stop the divorce anytime YOU prove you have this addiction under control. if you do not stop this it is just a matter of time before one o these guys talks you in to meeting in person, and I am assuming you are telling us the truth that that has not occurred.
I actually started doing some research on polygraphists in my area, not cheap but absolutely worth every penny if it were to bring my husband some peace of mind. And you are correct that likely my husband wil say it's not necessary but it will be, as sad and pathetic as it may sound to others, a gift to him as proof of my ability to take control of my life and be the spouse he deserves.

In regards to a divorce, I had not thought of it. I guess I will do some research on it too. Right now, understandably so, my husband expects me to take the initiative when it comes to doing what is necessary to prove to him he is making the best decision for himself, for our relationship. So I will research this next and discuss it with him.

Before January of this year, I had never ever come close to even flirting with men. I have always been very shy and compliments from men while I'd appreciate them, would make me rather uncomfortable. Since January of this year is when the online flirtatious behavior started and then I "fell" for the first man. He did/does live in the same city where I work but short of stalking him, I do no think an actual meeting would have ever happened. As soon as that man learned I was married (I told him after my husband found out which was exactly day 3 of exchanging messages) he said he would not want to interfere in my marriage and stopped any attempts at contacting me. A long te ago he did send me a friend request which I accepted but later had to unfriend/block when my husband found out. Since thw last time that i as back on facebook, once I unblocked him, and while he is a moderator of one of the groups I belong to, he never replied to any of my posts, never liked a post or reply made, never sent a friend request and never tried to contacte in any way.

The 2 other men happened in one day, just last week. For whatever reason I convinced myself it was all harmless flirting. To my knowledge neither men live in the US (which gave me a false sense of safety, and ability to minimize the magnitude of my behavior because "I would never ever meet these men in person.")

I do not know if it is worth mentioning but since I am actually willing to get the best advice poasible I want to be as honest as possible. My husband is the only man I have ever had any kind of sexual contact with, ever. He did have some prior sexual partners. In a way, facebook allowed me to be the person that I am not in real life, or more accurately it allowed me to behave in a way that I would never imagine doing in real life.
Now I am not fooling myself here, I never ever thought I would dare to flirt with complete strangers even online especially as a married woman but I went that far. So I am not going to pretend that there was/is absolutely zero chance of allowing an EA to become PA. I will always keep that in mind.
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post #66 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 07:32 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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I actually started doing some research on polygraphists in my area, not cheap but absolutely worth every penny if it were to bring my husband some peace of mind. And you are correct that likely my husband wil say it's not necessary but it will be, as sad and pathetic as it may sound to others, a gift to him as proof of my ability to take control of my life and be the spouse he deserves.

In regards to a divorce, I had not thought of it. I guess I will do some research on it too. Right now, understandably so, my husband expects me to take the initiative when it comes to doing what is necessary to prove to him he is making the best decision for himself, for our relationship. So I will research this next and discuss it with him.

Before January of this year, I had never ever come close to even flirting with men. I have always been very shy and compliments from men while I'd appreciate them, would make me rather uncomfortable. Since January of this year is when the online flirtatious behavior started and then I "fell" for the first man. He did/does live in the same city where I work but short of stalking him, I do no think an actual meeting would have ever happened. As soon as that man learned I was married (I told him after my husband found out which was exactly day 3 of exchanging messages) he said he would not want to interfere in my marriage and stopped any attempts at contacting me. A long te ago he did send me a friend request which I accepted but later had to unfriend/block when my husband found out. Since thw last time that i as back on facebook, once I unblocked him, and while he is a moderator of one of the groups I belong to, he never replied to any of my posts, never liked a post or reply made, never sent a friend request and never tried to contacte in any way.

The 2 other men happened in one day, just last week. For whatever reason I convinced myself it was all harmless flirting. To my knowledge neither men live in the US (which gave me a false sense of safety, and ability to minimize the magnitude of my behavior because "I would never ever meet these men in person.")

I do not know if it is worth mentioning but since I am actually willing to get the best advice poasible I want to be as honest as possible. My husband is the only man I have ever had any kind of sexual contact with, ever. He did have some prior sexual partners. In a way, facebook allowed me to be the person that I am not in real life, or more accurately it allowed me to behave in a way that I would never imagine doing in real life.
Now I am not fooling myself here, I never ever thought I would dare to flirt with complete strangers even online especially as a married woman but I went that far. So I am not going to pretend that there was/is absolutely zero chance of allowing an EA to become PA. I will always keep that in mind.
IJf

Look, first you need to understand something. Lets get it out there. Your situation is really not that unique or unusual, especially in women or men that have never had any other sexual partners. But you made the choice to say the vows knowing that so you have only a couple of choices
(1) go to a sex therapist with your husband and learn how to share your fantasies with your husband rather than other men. You just have to remember that fantasies are just that and do not need to be acted out on.
(2) have an open marriage, which 95% of men if they have any brains will reject outright.
(3) learn to deal with your demons or divorce and be free to do what you want.

What is unacceptable is to lie and deceive the man you are suppose to love. The other thing that you need to understand is the fact that you never imagined you would be in this position just puts you in the company of 95% of women who do cheat. A very small percentage planned it before it happened and if you read the books you will find that one of the first statements wayward wives make is " I never thought I would be here".

Now you have been caught twice, and if there is one thing you rerally need to build trust is to become accountable. That means more than giving your husbands passwords to electronic devices that he is not inclined to check. Here are a couple of other suggestions that YOU can do that may seem small but when you add them up they say something to your husband
(1) voluntarily put a GPS on your car.
(2) if you are not where you are supposed to be when you are supposed to be for any reason contact him and explain
(3) no GNO or out of town trips right now
(4) no male friend alone time
(5) and stay the hell off of Facebook and THIS GROUP the OM was on. Is the group more important than your marriage. If for some reason this OM really had wanted to get in your pants you know you would have met him and would have been in an entirely more unpleasant circumstance. And the law of averages just says that if you continue to flirt with men online you will stumble accross someone geographically with the ability to pressure you to meet. Happens all the time.

Now as far as your husband filing, I know he won;t do that unless he catches you again, and since I have no idea what makes him tick he might not leave you if you had a PA. But it sounds like he wants to rugsweep, which means other than him being hurt and a little mad you have no real life consequences.

If you read around this or any forum you want to, you will find that the quickest way to knock the fog of bad behavior out of a WW is to make her believe the end is imminent . Its amazing how quickly the "fog", which I call bull ****, dissipates. Your husband in my opinion is playing the pick me game, hoping you can stop it on your own without any action on his part. Take my word for it, if you knew that in 60 days your marriage would be over and that on the 59th day you were taking a polygraph test that you had better pass, you flirting with other men would not be so attractive. But that is up tto your husband. You do what you can. You are on the right mindset I believe in your willingness to do what it takes, but stop making excuses about sexual experience or anything else. If you can't be happy without another penis after you, then do the right thing and get a divorce and have as many partners as you want
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post #67 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 09:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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You are on the right mindset I believe in your willingness to do what it takes, but stop making excuses about sexual experience or anything else. If you can't be happy without another penis after you, then do the right thing and get a divorce and have as many partners as you want
I have deactivated my facebook account and my husband has the password to it and my instagram account. I never have my phone locked, so no passwords necessary. My husband has full access to my phone, I often leave it charging anywhere in the house and I have reassured him he has the right to go over the search history or to look anything up on it.

Just to clarify, I did not mention my lack of sexual experience prior to meeting my husband as an excuse. I mentioned it because I was trying to convey the fact that I have never been what one would consider an overtly sexual person at all. So the fact that I became so uninhibited and flirtatious with these strange men has taken me by surprise. That is all.
I have zero interest in actually having a sexual relationship with any man other than my husband. But I do admit that my desperation for validation and attention could have been used as excuses for an actual PA. Anyways, the severity of the pain that my betrayal has caused is horrible enough even when it did not reach a physical level.

At this time my husband has agreed to the idea of having me take a polygraph test. The filing of divorce papers is still under consideration but husband asked that we discuss further another time.
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post #68 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 10:08 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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I have deactivated my facebook account and my husband has the password to it and my instagram account. I never have my phone locked, so no passwords necessary. My husband has full access to my phone, I often leave it charging anywhere in the house and I have reassured him he has the right to go over the search history or to look anything up on it.

Just to clarify, I did not mention my lack of sexual experience prior to meeting my husband as an excuse. I mentioned it because I was trying to convey the fact that I have never been what one would consider an overtly sexual person at all. So the fact that I became so uninhibited and flirtatious with these strange men has taken me by surprise. That is all.
I have zero interest in actually having a sexual relationship with any man other than my husband. But I do admit that my desperation for validation and attention could have been used as excuses for an actual PA. Anyways, the severity of the pain that my betrayal has caused is horrible enough even when it did not reach a physical level.

At this time my husband has agreed to the idea of having me take a polygraph test. The filing of divorce papers is still under consideration but husband asked that we discuss further another time.
IJF,

POlygraph right now is a waste. If you two do it, it needs to happen after some time, unannounced, to see if you have relapsed. Right now, if you are posting here, it is unlikely you will run right back of FB or anywhere else.

You need a therapist who is going to hold your feet to the fire, not one who is going to dig and offer excuses. It is not abnormal to like attention to members of the opposite sex. Men and women who deny that it matters at all to them are not being totally truthful. But acting on it is a different story.

As long as you are not telling your husband that you need to be able to continue to do this as long as you do not meet anyone, there is no fog so you do not need divorce papers. But he needs to let you know by seeing an attorney that any more screw ups and it is it and that you are on thin ice. Saying it is different than being only a phone call away from having you served.

Hope you get to a decent IC but if you start to hear from your IC that what you did was not so bad, run like hell. Therapy is a subjective, not a quantitative science and if you tell the same story to ten of them you will get five different responses. Some of these idiots tell women to continue to deny and lie to their husbands, believe it or not. You are the customer. You decide what you want discussed.
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post #69 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 10:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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POlygraph right now is a waste. If you two do it, it needs to happen after some time, unannounced, to see if you have relapsed.

As long as you are not telling your husband that you need to be able to continue to do this as long as you do not meet anyone, there is no fog so you do not need divorce papers. But he needs to let you know by seeing an attorney that any more screw ups and it is it and that you are on thin ice. Saying it is different than being only a phone call away from having you served.

Hope you get to a decent IC but if you start to hear from your IC that what you did was not so bad, run like hell.
Sorry I wasn't clear. Yes, the polygraph would be done as you stated in the future in the manner you suggest.

I have to be honest that this time around what seems to have finally worked to get me to understand the gravity of my actions is the fact that my husband exposed me to my family. My poor mother was devastated as she worries about my daughter whom she practically raised from the time she was born until she started kindergarten because I went back to working full time after a 4 month leave. Of course she doesn't want me to suffer but besides my husband, my little girl is the biggest victim in all of this.

I have had to tell my brothers, sister and mother to understand that my husband is hurting deeply and while they may think that sending them screenshots of my communication with one of the facebook friends may seem uncalled for it was in fact needed as a wake up call for me. At the moment my husband did this he was in such distress that he wanted me to feel his pain. Not only am I understanding his pain but also I am done with being a fraud. I am done with being manipulative and disrespectful to my husband. I do not want to live the rest of my life with shame and fear and disgust towards myself.

I do still have to wait to see the addictions specialist until the 9th of January. The main reason that therapy hasn't worked for me in the past is because I wasn't being completely honest. I am especially uncomfortable having to discuss such intimate details of my life and especially stuff related to my sexuality but I cannot afford to waste any more time (or money).
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post #70 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 10:58 AM
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post #71 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 12:28 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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Sorry I wasn't clear. Yes, the polygraph would be done as you stated in the future in the manner you suggest.

I have to be honest that this time around what seems to have finally worked to get me to understand the gravity of my actions is the fact that my husband exposed me to my family. My poor mother was devastated as she worries about my daughter whom she practically raised from the time she was born until she started kindergarten because I went back to working full time after a 4 month leave. Of course she doesn't want me to suffer but besides my husband, my little girl is the biggest victim in all of this.

I have had to tell my brothers, sister and mother to understand that my husband is hurting deeply and while they may think that sending them screenshots of my communication with one of the facebook friends may seem uncalled for it was in fact needed as a wake up call for me. At the moment my husband did this he was in such distress that he wanted me to feel his pain. Not only am I understanding his pain but also I am done with being a fraud. I am done with being manipulative and disrespectful to my husband. I do not want to live the rest of my life with shame and fear and disgust towards myself.

I do still have to wait to see the addictions specialist until the 9th of January. The main reason that therapy hasn't worked for me in the past is because I wasn't being completely honest. I am especially uncomfortable having to discuss such intimate details of my life and especially stuff related to my sexuality but I cannot afford to waste any more time (or money).
IJF,

Your family's feelings, especially your mother is normal. Your mother should be furious with you, not your husband. But like most families, yours is not unusual. They are more concerned about screwing up the family dynamic for your daughter, and not the betrayal of your husband. Unfortunately, too many times, this is the reaction and that is why the advice that BH's usually get when they say parents of WW are upset with her is to not put much credence in it. No matter what you did your family is going to want husband to "get over it".

Quite honestly, your husband should be made you tell your family instead of him appearing to be the bad guy, but we know he has shown signs of wanting to rugsweep.

What you really have to understand is that the addictions counselor is not going to solve this for you and it is going to take a long time for your husband to trust you again. The heavy lifting you are going to have to do yourself.

The really positive sign here is that everything you are agreeing to you are not appearing to feel "punished". When the WW feels that being accountable is punishment, the marriage is doomed. So many WW complain that they have no privacy. When you cheat on your husband your right to secrets and privacy go out the window. You seem to accept that and that is very wise.

What I am concerned about for you is that your husband is going to want to play ostrich, and that is the worst thing he can do.

Now with all that being said, it could be a hell of a lot worse if you had hooked up with one of there guys, so you have dodged a bullet . Now hold your IC to the fire and do not let them devolve the sessions into what your husband is doing wrong, or "the marriage". The problem is you seeking outside validation., period. Remember, there is probably not a woman alive that does not like when men check them out, but when that satisfaction is not enough is when the trouble starts.
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post #72 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 01:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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IJF,

What you really have to understand is that the addictions counselor is not going to solve this for you and it is going to take a long time for your husband to trust you again. The heavy lifting you are going to have to do yourself.

The really positive sign here is that everything you are agreeing to you are not appearing to feel "punished". When the WW feels that being accountable is punishment, the marriage is doomed. So many WW complain that they have no privacy. When you cheat on your husband your right to secrets and privacy go out the window. You seem to accept that and that is very wise.

What I am concerned about for you is that your husband is going to want to play ostrich, and that is the worst thing he can do.
I understand it is all on me now, I am just hoping to have a better experience with a new therapist who holds me responsible for my actions.

In regard to my family, here is the situation.
I have no doubt that my family is deeply disappointed in me. They have known my husband since he and I were 19 years old (when we started dating). Husband and I are now both 41 y.o. and throughout all these years my husband has been an honorable man and has shown that is a respectable, reliable, selfless and loving man. Unless I were to make up lies about him there is not one iota of evidence that would suggest he is anything but an upstanding, devoted husband and father. My family tends to keep their feelings and thoughts to themselves and we all avoid talking about painful or embarrassing issues. I hate to admit that we tend to keep many secrets from each other and the reason we always give is "I do not want to hurt or disappoint you, I do not want to add stress to your life, I do not want to make you unhappy." So at least for me, the facade is over. All my "dirty laundry" is out there for them to see. I cannot and will not hide it anymore. It hasn't done any good.

I know my mother worries about my daughter and has asked me to be strong for her. But she has by no means tried to defend me or my horrible actions. I have asked her and the rest of my family not to interfere by advocating for me. I have asked them more than once that unless they are to show empathy towards my husband, I do not want them to bother him.

After the first time my husband found out about my EA, I did feel like I was being punished for not being allowed to get back on Facebook. I rationalized that as long as I kept this man blocked, I had the right to enjoy interacting with others. Also I even remember complaining about my husband looking at my thread here and private messages because I felt I had a right to my privacy and he should just trust me!
I now know how wrong I was. I have come to understand and embrace the need for me to share freely with my husband in order to regain his trust. I understand that if I ever had any right to privacy, I only have myself to blame for losing it. But I am relieved knowing that I do not have to be spending so much time and energy on finding ways to hide things from my husband or ensuring that I deleted a certain conversation. There is a lot of freedom to be gained from being honest and open with him.

Would you please explain what you mean by my husband "playing ostrich"? Is there anything I could do to discourage this?

Thanks again for your feedback.
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post #73 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 11:27 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

It is my opinion from what you have written that you need serious psychiatric treatment. You are a stalker. You are obsessional and compulsive. Your BH isn't just hurt, I bet. I bet that he is worried that you have lost it. Facebook didn't make you do what you have done. Sure, it's a vehicle, but plenty of people are on fb night and day without stalking people whose faces they have never seen, are inappropriately older/younger, and show no interest in them.

These are not online affairs or flirtations, in my opinion. These are events that indicate mental disturbance.

I think you need serious help.
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post #74 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 03:09 AM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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It is my opinion from what you have written that you need serious psychiatric treatment. You are a stalker. You are obsessional and compulsive. Your BH isn't just hurt, I bet. I bet that he is worried that you have lost it. Facebook didn't make you do what you have done. Sure, it's a vehicle, but plenty of people are on fb night and day without stalking people whose faces they have never seen, are inappropriately older/younger, and show no interest in them.

These are not online affairs or flirtations, in my opinion. These are events that indicate mental disturbance.

I think you need serious help.
What's the reasoning behind that assessment?


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post #75 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 06:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

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It is my opinion from what you have written that you need serious psychiatric treatment. You are a stalker. You are obsessional and compulsive. Your BH isn't just hurt, I bet. I bet that he is worried that you have lost it. Facebook didn't make you do what you have done. Sure, it's a vehicle, but plenty of people are on fb night and day without stalking people whose faces they have never seen, are inappropriately older/younger, and show no interest in them.

These are not online affairs or flirtations, in my opinion. These are events that indicate mental disturbance.

I think you need serious help.
Let me start by saying that I absolutely agree that I need serious help. With that said, I have had a psychiatric evaluation back in February of this year to rule out bipolar disorder. I happen to have an advanced degree in the mental health field so I am quite familiar with the criteria for many psychiatric conditions. I admit that I have many traits of borderline personality disorder (likely stemming from history of child abuse, emotional neglect, early attachment issues). My husband is well aware of this since he has been with me for over 20 years.

When I initiated this thread I was in a panic and I have tried to be as honest as possible exposing my own demons due to the "safety" and relative anonymity that this forum affords. So I can understand how many may find my behavior, for lack of a better word, "crazy." I do feel out of control sometimes, my obsessive and compulsive tendencies do feel beyond my control. Hence, I have started therapy again and I am due to get a new psychiatric evaluation. I am currently on SSRIs for depression which a therapist suggested might not be the correct medication because in her view I need a mood stabilizer and not an antidepressant.
In any event, I am aware that the personality disorder traits are the ones that are going to require a ton of work on my behalf to change or adjust, in fact there isn't much hope with PDs as they are pretty much at the core of who a person is. However, since I have insight into what I am doing and how my behavior has affected others, then I can and do take full responsibility for it and will do my best to be a good person. I am not a helpless victim, just the fact that I am aware of my weaknesses or deficiencies means that I am fully capable of getting professional help to work on them.

While I do not practice as a psychotherapist, I do still work with people and I believe that the advantage I have as a person who suffers from mental illness is that I can empathize with those that do as well. I get the feeling of shame and the reluctance to stay on treatment which leaves those that do not suffer from mental illness puzzled and confused. I get it. I get the knowing what is best for me and yet not following through.

Just one more thing to add. Perhaps I wasn't clear. Yes, I do find older men attractive (I met my husband when I was 19, older men to me then were probably 35-40 at the most). I find intelligent men attractive. I do not care for a person's physical appearance at all, I can appreciate it and notice someone's beatiful physique but it is not what I find most appealing in a person. Is it inappropriate for a 41 year old woman like myself to find men in their 50s, 60s to be attractive? How so? I am not talking about going to a nursing home and trying to take advantage of an 85 year old demetia patient who has no ability to consent to anything. My behavior thus far has been inappropriate for a married woman. I do not disagree with that at all. But even if I were a single woman I have zero interest in what would amount to nothing short of abusing the elderly.

Finally, my husband is aware of what I find attractive in a person. I find his intelligence, sense of humor, boundless optimism, his joy of life to be extremely attractive. He does have an amazing physique as it is required for his work but also because he enjoys being fit. And like other men he does have his insecurities about his body, he worries about losing his hair, getting out of shape etc. Me on the other hand cannot wait until he is all grey, bald and wrinkly...I've told him so. We laugh about it. I just wish I were to stay young looking forever, but when it comes to him as the years pass I find him more and more physically attractive. It is his personality I fell in love with, it is his personality that has remained unchanged. I do admit that my horrible behavior has taken some of that carefree and optimistic view of life away from him, that is some of what I feel the worst about. Knowing I am responsible for taking away part of his seemingly eternal optimism and his belief in the goodness of others, is devastating as I am not sure I can ever repair that.

Now when it comes to the facebook situtation. Stating the facts here, not an attempt to minimize: my inappropriate behavior started in January of this year. There have been 3 men involved. The first one is the one I never saw a picture of and who stated I created a fantasy about who he is and stopped contact with me when he learned I was married. I do admit to obsessing over him for almost a year. It was extremely distressful yet managed to keep a full time job, and do a good enough job caring for my family. I did spend time on facebook in the middle of the night checking to see if this man was around, etc..but I was sane enough not do give in to this compulsion at work for example. The two other men did have a few pictures of themselves but what caught my interest was that we shared the same views in regards to politics and religion (or lack of religious beliefs). That is all. I interacted with these 2 men on the same day for a couple of hours. My husband had hacked into my messanger and was actually seeing everything as it was happening. He confronted me later the same day with the screenshoots he took. Probably the most difficult thing for my husband to do, to have to remain calm as he watched how his wife was blatantly disrespecting him right in front of his eyes. Just awful.

Was there a possibility that my behavior could have escalated to much worse over time had my husband not found out or exposed me to my family? Probably. I cannot say. But history is the best predictor of future behavior and I was in a very dangerous path. Ironically I have to thank my husband for getting me back into reality and keeping me from doing more damage to myself and others.
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