Originally Posted by Itwasjustafantasy View Post
I understand it is all on me now, I am just hoping to have a better experience with a new therapist who holds me responsible for my actions.
In regard to my family, here is the situation.
I have no doubt that my family is deeply disappointed in me. They have known my husband since he and I were 19 years old (when we started dating). Husband and I are now both 41 y.o. and throughout all these years my husband has been an honorable man and has shown that is a respectable, reliable, selfless and loving man. Unless I were to make up lies about him there is not one iota of evidence that would suggest he is anything but an upstanding, devoted husband and father. My family tends to keep their feelings and thoughts to themselves and we all avoid talking about painful or embarrassing issues. I hate to admit that we tend to keep many secrets from each other and the reason we always give is "I do not want to hurt or disappoint you, I do not want to add stress to your life, I do not want to make you unhappy." So at least for me, the facade is over. All my "dirty laundry" is out there for them to see. I cannot and will not hide it anymore. It hasn't done any good.
I know my mother worries about my daughter and has asked me to be strong for her. But she has by no means tried to defend me or my horrible actions. I have asked her and the rest of my family not to interfere by advocating for me. I have asked them more than once that unless they are to show empathy towards my husband, I do not want them to bother him.
After the first time my husband found out about my EA, I did feel like I was being punished for not being allowed to get back on Facebook. I rationalized that as long as I kept this man blocked, I had the right to enjoy interacting with others. Also I even remember complaining about my husband looking at my thread here and private messages because I felt I had a right to my privacy and he should just trust me!
I now know how wrong I was. I have come to understand and embrace the need for me to share freely with my husband in order to regain his trust. I understand that if I ever had any right to privacy, I only have myself to blame for losing it. But I am relieved knowing that I do not have to be spending so much time and energy on finding ways to hide things from my husband or ensuring that I deleted a certain conversation. There is a lot of freedom to be gained from being honest and open with him.
Would you please explain what you mean by my husband "playing ostrich"? Is there anything I could do to discourage this?
Thanks again for your feedback.
I don't agree that one EA with a guy whose face you never saw, and two episodes last week classify you as any kind of stalker. In fact, you are not here trying to justify your behavior but correct it so speaking as a BH whose WW did a lot worse than you, i think a lot of BH out there would be a little happy to have someone trying like you seem to be. notice I said seem because you are not out of the woods yet and you know it. Not going to bore you with details of my story, they are briefly in my profile, but my WW has done it all correctly, and had very little time to decide if that was what she wanted. So i guess you would say I reconciled.
Back to ostrich explanation you asked for. Lets start out upon discovery. BH has choices to make and just like any crisis situation those made initially have a major impact on the outcome. That is my opinion. Some may disagree. But if someone has a medical emergency, the initial seconds and minutes are vital. I don't think the BH response is any less vital.
Unfortunately, the initial reaction of most BH who find their way here or any forum, is to be so shocked and in paralysis that inaction and denial take hold and the pick me game starts. That happens despite the fact that probably 95% of men will make the statement that infidelity is a deal breaker. if you read here or other forums you will see that those that cannot take any action and make the following statements very rarely work out OK
(1) I want to reconcile no matter what she did or does
(2) i can forgive her without even knowing what the hell she really did
(3) it's my fault
(4) i do not want to take steps to monitor her because she can always cheat some other way. this one is correct BUT you can make it a lot harder to have her not get caught for a period of reaonsable time
(5) I don't want to know the truth
i could go on. But those that do closer to what some call the "nuclear" option have much better results, be it reconciliation or divorce with less pain.
Your husband initially got out of denial to anger pretty quickly, at least temporarily, which is what caused the exposure to your family. And by the way, you have done exactly the correct thing to tell them to back off and that you are accountable. the better take that advice or they will become a trigger to your husband. Unless your father has cheated on your mother, her opinion is meaningless since she is not sleeping each night next to a man who has betrayed her. People who have never experienced this cancer called infidelity have no relevant opinion. my bet is that is you told ten girlfriends what you have done is that 6 or 7 of them would tell you to tell him to just get over it, that it was no big deal. Thats a whole additional topic, peer pressure or approval.
But your husband now seems to be letting you deal with the handling of things on this, which is good to see if you are proactive but it seems he is just now hoping the therapy works. You are here searching for answers but it appears he is being now passive. maybe i am wrong.
Lastly, since you are tarting on a new IC, you should sign the documents allowing your therapist to share the assessment and information with your husband. That does not mean he attends. But it does mean he will meet with him or her and find out somewhat what their opinion is of your problem and it will not be only what you tell him. There are more threads than you can count on IC or MC telling WS terrible advice or WS lying to IC or misrepresenting situation. Right now, you cannot trust yourself and the last thing you need is any justifiation or minimalization of what you did from any IC. Remember another thing also, i believe if you google professions where infidelity is most likely, therapists will be on the list. PHD's have written and are at the forefront of all the literature approving and justifying non monogamy. here have even been threads on SI where a female therapist recommended the infamous AM site to a client and told her it would help her marriage.
You are 41 years old and cannot live the rest of your life without interacting with men other than your husband. You seem like you can do what is necessary as long as your husband does not let you continue to re-offend with no consequences. So far, telling your family is the only consequence. You are concerned right now and regretful that you got caught. Remorse takes actions over a longer time period but you right now are headed in a positive direction.