Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 11:16 AM Thread Starter
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Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

Good morning,
This is going to be very long so I appreciate it greatly if anyone bothers to read it. I had been to this forum at the beginning of this year after my BH found out about my EA (I deleted the whole thread, my apologies as i soncerely believed that by now this would be a distant memory and my marriage would be back on track). In short I became obssessed with a facebook friend and I initiated contact with him while keeping the fact that i was married from him. When I told him of my marital status he told me that he didn't want to cause any issues and stopped contact immediately. I had no other way of contacting him besides facebok so I temporarily deactiveated my account and all was well for weeks. Then as soon as I went back on it, this man sent me a friend request and I accepted it. This again created turmoil in my marriage and I remained off facebook for a while. I had started therapy and I assumed I was over this OM.

So I come here to say that I am sorry. Obviously it should be my husband that hears this but at this point those are empty words. I have completely desecrated my marriage. I know I will hear the truth here. I am sorry that I had deleted my previous thread...I had hoped that I would've been able to work on my issues and brokenness etc. It has been almost a year. I never got over my EA partner (not really a partner as he did not reciprocate my advances, and he was unaware I was married).

I am a very disturbed person. I seek validation and attention especially from males every chance I get. Then when one appears to show some interest I start imagining how great and complete my life would be if only those men where also in my life. My plan was always to get them interested enough in me and then if they would ever try to set up a face to face meeting I would simply unfriend or block them. It made me feel so desired and wanted and maybe even powerful to get these men to notice me and then I would dump them without much thought.
So not only was I hurting my BH. I was also using these men as tools, not a real people with real feelings, but just as tools to attempt to fulfill my endless need for validation.
I seem to only be able to get over someone by replacing them with someone or something else that will fill my emptiness..I used to binge eat and when I stopped it, facebook became my new addiction. I sepnt hours and hours of my day (when I wasn't at work) checking for likes and comments on my posts...I couldn't get enough. And each and every like I took it as a sign of approval. I would actually come to believe that I was so loved and admired by my facebook friends. I have no real life friends. I do have coworkers and acquaintances but I am unable to form real relationships with people because I fear that they will know the teuth about me if they get too close: that I am an empty person, that I am deeply scared of living and that I am a taker, unable to give anything worthwhile back.

I really do not know what I expect to hear at this point. I know when I first reached out back in January of this year I triggered a few people and for that I am very sorry. I wanted to believe that I could turn things around all on my own, that therapy was beneath me, that I just needed to stay away from facebook long enough and then I would stop needing it. But each and every time I stopped it, I was itching to get back on it...so while my behavior may have reflected otherwise (I was still spending time with my family, working full-time, etc) mentally I was mostly absent. My thoughts were about my original AP or simply anybody else from facebook...So I robbed the gift of my presence from the ones I believe to love the most: my husband and our daughter.
Now my marriage is over. I will get to it next. I just wanted to paint a picture of what's been going on in the last year.

My husband had told me in more than one occasion that he had no issue with me being on facebook and that as long as I didn't let it take over my life all would be well. So back on facebook I went about a couple of months ago. My BH also agreed that it was time to unblock OM and see whether I could handle it and keep myself from reaching out to him. Big mistake. I kept looking over at his posts and it became an obsession again. Maybe two weeks later I went ahead and tried to contact him. I wrote an email message stating how much I missed him and that i just wanted to be friends etc. I also said that we couldn't communicate via facebook so I would give him an email address. I never sent it but I neglected to delete it...somehow my BH got a hold of the drafted message and confronted me about it. This time BH and I finally had what i believed to be a completely honest talk. He told me that he realized we are incompatible in so many ways and that he does feel the disconnection between us.
He said that he realizes I love staying indoors watching documentaries and talking about politics which is exactly the opposite of what he likes. Even when it comes to watching a TVshow or movie, I like horror and dark humor or even very sad and painful stories. He prefers comedies or what he considers uplifting happy stories. He says there's enough sadness in the world that he doesn't need to look for more of it. I seem to thrive on depressing and angry things.

So we decided we needed more time together first and foremost and for me to limit my use of facebook. We spent a whole day together just the two of us when we both took the day off from work together and then later our daughter went for a playdate at her friend's house. BH and I drank a little and had an amazing time laughing and just sharing things we hadn't done before. We had great sex (sadly it was only after my original EA was discovered back in January that i finally realized how much I had neglected that area and since then we have been having a rather active sex life which for us is at least 5 days a week) and when it was time to pick our daughter up we were sincerely disappointed that our fun had to end. That was just last Sunday.

I was feeling fantastic and I really felt happy that he was showing me that he believed that nobody else but him could make me feel loved and special. You see the fact that he didn't give me a hard time over the drafted message and him allowing me to be back on facebook made me feel like he felt unthreatened by any other men and that he knew nobody could make me as happy as he could. I honestly felt like i hadn't in so long, I felt happy, sexy, valued and most of all I loved that confidence in my BH that I longed for. Not sure if this makes any sense.
I will continue in another post.

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post #2 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 11:25 AM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

You need to see a therapist and probably also attend a 12 step group called Sex And Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)

https://slaafws.org/
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post #3 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 11:25 AM Thread Starter
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Fast forward to just 2 days ago. I had replied to a post on facebook simply stating an opinion and one man who happens to be a fecebook friend wrote this "I think I love you." Now this is a married man and there was nothing enticing in my post (it was about politics). So given my personality flaws, I felt on top of the world. But I chose not to further engage this man as I knew he was married and at least at the moment I felt it would be disrespectful to his wife and my BH to say anything positive in response. I showed to my BH what i had planned on saying, BH said to give him a pass this time but if it did happen once more that I should know what to do.
Yesterday I took the day off from work because my child was sick. I was on facebook and accepted a friend request from a male who happens to be friends with someone I know. He thanked me and immediately told me that he thought I looked exotic...that is all it took. I started chatting with him about where he is from etc and then I asked him whether he knew I am married. He said he knew and he is also married and he had no bad intentions. Now this is when I took things to an inappropriate level. After chatting about the weather in his part of the world, I decided to tell him i thought he looked hot. He said he was flattered that such a beautiful woman would say that about him. Do I really find him attractive? Not quite. But this is my strategy when it comes to men, tell them something flattering and then they will stick around. I know better of course that a married man who has integrity would probably not be sending friend requests to strangers...In any event, there was nothing much else discussed, told him that i have my phone with me at all times and he could reach out any time.

That was bad enough. There is this other facebook friend that posts some suggestive jokes and I only have friended him for maybe a week but all that time we were rather flirty with each other at least in closed group we are members of and so given the fact that my BH isn't in it he could not see any of it. But I convinced myself it was just flirting and nothing more. Of course I knew it was unacceptable behavior for a married woman but since he isn't married I figured i am not destroying another family (I conveniently forgot I was destroying my own). And then
yesterday afternoon out of nowhere he sent me a private message saying that he thought I was a cool lady. I of course started flirting and this time I took it one step further. I asked him about his age and where he lives and why he doesn't have any pictures of himself on facebook. He said he would send me one clothed to which I responded that is fine for now. We talked* bit more and joked about being of a certain age and sex ( a topic which I initiated). I then asked him if he knew I am married and he said of course. It was getting late and told him i had to go. This is perhaps something that BH found very hurtful: I had told this man that I hoped he wasn't a gym or health freak because I didn't find that kind of men attractive. My BH is a personal trainer and he is in incredibly good shape for his age...unfortunately a person's physical appearance does pretty much nothing for me. This man sent me a picture of his naked torso and I told him i thought he looked hot. Truth is I could care less...but I figured if I wanted* to keep him interested in talking to me i would have to make him believe he is sexy. I then told him I'd have to delete messages. Little did I know what would happen next.

My BH somehow had been witnessing all these exchanges between the 2 men and me. He took screenshots before I deleted some of it. I was caught again in my despicable behavior. And this is the end. BH told me that this time I have left him with no choice. He is naturally extremely hurt and angry. He told me that he would send screenshots to my family and he did just that.
One of my brothers replied to my BH by saying that while he understood his hurt that it was not ok for him to embarrass me like that.
My BH became even more angry and said he hates my family and that they probably will take my side etc.
As soon as I learned of this I reached out to my family members and asked then to please not reply to my BH unless is to show him empathy. I emphasized that only I am reaponsible and he is the victim here (and our daughter). I asked them to just give him his space or certainly not try to advocate for me in any way.
This is my Christmas present to my family, to my little innocent girl, to my loyal husband, to my mentally disabled sister, to my betrayed mother...and the list goes on.
Will I ever become a better person? I always questioned my worth, my value as a human being. I have a career in mental health precisely because I wantes to learn more about myself first and to work on myself and then see if i could help others with their own struggles. I was the role model to my family and coworkers and acquaintances on the outside only. They had no idea what a rotten person I truly am deep down. But this farce is over, perhaps now i have reached rock bottom and will finally do what it takes to at least be a good mother to my little girl.
That is all I ever wanted. I had an unhappy childhood and I promised myself I would be a good mother and i would never fail her. But now that is ruined. All I do is hurt others. I do not want to cause so much pain anymore.
Thanks for reading.
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post #4 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 11:30 AM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

You know what you are doing is totally wrong and you are hurting those you are supposed to love. You seem to have some sort of compulsive behaviour, you need to seek help from a professional sooner than later and if your BH allows, start to make amends to him.
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post #5 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 11:31 AM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

Get therapy.

Like... today.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #6 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 11:33 AM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

It's time to pursue that counseling you felt was beneath you. You definitely have addiction(s) to deal with.
You need to fix YOU. No one else can do it. You owe it to your husband and daughter. You are very lucky that your husband is so forgiving. Someday his patience will run out, and all you will be left with are Phantom friends and meaningless thumbs up.

Ciao,

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post #7 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 12:29 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

If you cut your fingers off, you wont be able to type.
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post #8 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 12:40 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

Thank you for a fascinating insight into the mind of a cheater.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Herschel View Post
If you cut your fingers off, you wont be able to type.
Unfortunately you will trigger many betrayed posters on here and get a lot of harsh feedback, but I am not one of them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Itwasjustafantasy View Post
My husband had told me in more than one occasion that he had no issue with me being on facebook and that as long as I didn't let it take over my life all would be well. So back on facebook I went about a couple of months ago. My BH also agreed that it was time to unblock OM and see whether I could handle it and keep myself from reaching out to him. Big mistake.
When I first read this part I thought "Wow that was really stupid of your husband to advise you to go back on FB and unblock the other man".

Now I realize your husband is much smarter than either one of us realized.

Now let's face it.. therapy is at best a slow, arduous, and mostly ineffective process. It can take years if ever to see appreciable results, at this point in your life it may very well be futile, and probably not cheap either.

Why not just stay single going forward and have some fun with your life? The sort of guys you'll be meeting will be just fine with being flattered and having some easy noncommitted sex, and you'll get the validation you seek.

Seems like win/win.

PS you can probably get a moderator to undelete your old thread if you ask nicely.

Things are more like they are now, than they ever were before - Dwight D Eisenhower
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post #9 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 12:53 PM Thread Starter
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If you cut your fingers off, you wont be able to type.
I wish that would fix my personality flaws but yeah that would fix my behavior...though as an addict I'd probably find some other way to seek attention.
But I understand your point.
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post #10 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 01:07 PM Thread Starter
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Why not just stay single going forward and have some fun with your life? The sort of guys you'll be meeting will be just fine with being flattered and having some easy noncommitted sex, and you'll get the validation you seek.

Seems like win/win.

PS you can probably get a moderator to undelete your old thread if you ask nicely.
Except I have a daughter to think about and at this point I cannot say I have done everything in my power to try to salvage my marriage. In fact Ive made no effort.

Also I know that I like to fantasize about other men but I do not really want to have a sexual relationship with them.

I appreciate your feedback

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post #11 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 01:33 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

I totally agree with your brother.

I also think divorce is the right move. For both of you.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #12 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 01:39 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

Quote:
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Except I have a daughter to think about and at this point I cannot say I have done everything in my power to try to salvage my marriage. In fact Ive made no effort.

Also I know that I like to fantasize about other men but I do not really want to have a sexual relationship with them.

I appreciate your feedback
Oh, my bad I realize that I assumed incorrectly that your husband was finished after your recent update and latest online transgression because he said you "left him with no choice". After all you've done, I'm wondering if he needs assistance locating his testicles.

Well if it IS over at some point and if I was your husband I'd like to think I'd have the strength to walk away- it's not really going to affect your daughter if you have these online things and use discretion- heck it's just typing on a keyboard; especially if you don't want the sex and just want to do it for the flattery and attention then I'm not seeing the problem. If anything you're doing the world a favor by occupying these loser guys who go after married woman.

Things are more like they are now, than they ever were before - Dwight D Eisenhower

Last edited by browser; 12-23-2016 at 01:56 PM.
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post #13 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 01:40 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

Quote:
Originally Posted by Herschel View Post
If you cut your fingers off, you wont be able to type.
If she cuts her fingers off, how's she going to cut the rest of her fingers off?

Think about it.

Things are more like they are now, than they ever were before - Dwight D Eisenhower
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post #14 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 01:50 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

Have you asked your husband what he wants? From what you have written, it sounds like he is done and wants out. But that may just be an angry reaction to you reverting to old behavior. I think he was testing you to see if he could trust you to be friends with men on FaceBook.

What do you want? Do you want to save your marriage? If so why?

Sit down and have an honest talk with your husband including your opinion of why you seek attention of men on FB.
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post #15 of 103 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 02:05 PM
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Re: Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me

You are terribly broken and first step to repairing that is seeing it within yourself. Fixing it is a struggle. I don't think you are blessed with enough time to fix it before you can fix your marriage, and I REALLY don't think YOUR problems can be solved in the marriage.

You are an EGO kibble addict. You want adoration and you are empty. You need to go off the ego high, your husband needs to separate and YOU NEED TO BE ALONE. not talking to other men. Like...at all if possible. Stick with your family and work on yourself. Find something else to fill that void. A hobby or something that gives you more pride, because once you age and no one calls you pretty you are setting yourself up for a future fall where you feel you amount to nothing. You base your value on what others think of you. Specifically men, you need IC to get to the bottom of the problem. It is indeed right that you call out your family for not supporting him. He did not do wrong, because you kept doing that bad thing, over and over.... Your brother misses this point. Embarrassment is exactly what you need to shock you into reality.

You have made a WONDERFUL first step by coming back and discussing your problems again. Its never too late to fix yourself. But it MAY be too late for the marriage.
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