Just a very painful story and I got nobody to blame but me
This is going to be very long so I appreciate it greatly if anyone bothers to read it. I had been to this forum at the beginning of this year after my BH found out about my EA (I deleted the whole thread, my apologies as i soncerely believed that by now this would be a distant memory and my marriage would be back on track). In short I became obssessed with a facebook friend and I initiated contact with him while keeping the fact that i was married from him. When I told him of my marital status he told me that he didn't want to cause any issues and stopped contact immediately. I had no other way of contacting him besides facebok so I temporarily deactiveated my account and all was well for weeks. Then as soon as I went back on it, this man sent me a friend request and I accepted it. This again created turmoil in my marriage and I remained off facebook for a while. I had started therapy and I assumed I was over this OM.
So I come here to say that I am sorry. Obviously it should be my husband that hears this but at this point those are empty words. I have completely desecrated my marriage. I know I will hear the truth here. I am sorry that I had deleted my previous thread...I had hoped that I would've been able to work on my issues and brokenness etc. It has been almost a year. I never got over my EA partner (not really a partner as he did not reciprocate my advances, and he was unaware I was married).
I am a very disturbed person. I seek validation and attention especially from males every chance I get. Then when one appears to show some interest I start imagining how great and complete my life would be if only those men where also in my life. My plan was always to get them interested enough in me and then if they would ever try to set up a face to face meeting I would simply unfriend or block them. It made me feel so desired and wanted and maybe even powerful to get these men to notice me and then I would dump them without much thought.
So not only was I hurting my BH. I was also using these men as tools, not a real people with real feelings, but just as tools to attempt to fulfill my endless need for validation.
I seem to only be able to get over someone by replacing them with someone or something else that will fill my emptiness..I used to binge eat and when I stopped it, facebook became my new addiction. I sepnt hours and hours of my day (when I wasn't at work) checking for likes and comments on my posts...I couldn't get enough. And each and every like I took it as a sign of approval. I would actually come to believe that I was so loved and admired by my facebook friends. I have no real life friends. I do have coworkers and acquaintances but I am unable to form real relationships with people because I fear that they will know the teuth about me if they get too close: that I am an empty person, that I am deeply scared of living and that I am a taker, unable to give anything worthwhile back.
I really do not know what I expect to hear at this point. I know when I first reached out back in January of this year I triggered a few people and for that I am very sorry. I wanted to believe that I could turn things around all on my own, that therapy was beneath me, that I just needed to stay away from facebook long enough and then I would stop needing it. But each and every time I stopped it, I was itching to get back on it...so while my behavior may have reflected otherwise (I was still spending time with my family, working full-time, etc) mentally I was mostly absent. My thoughts were about my original AP or simply anybody else from facebook...So I robbed the gift of my presence from the ones I believe to love the most: my husband and our daughter.
Now my marriage is over. I will get to it next. I just wanted to paint a picture of what's been going on in the last year.
My husband had told me in more than one occasion that he had no issue with me being on facebook and that as long as I didn't let it take over my life all would be well. So back on facebook I went about a couple of months ago. My BH also agreed that it was time to unblock OM and see whether I could handle it and keep myself from reaching out to him. Big mistake. I kept looking over at his posts and it became an obsession again. Maybe two weeks later I went ahead and tried to contact him. I wrote an email message stating how much I missed him and that i just wanted to be friends etc. I also said that we couldn't communicate via facebook so I would give him an email address. I never sent it but I neglected to delete it...somehow my BH got a hold of the drafted message and confronted me about it. This time BH and I finally had what i believed to be a completely honest talk. He told me that he realized we are incompatible in so many ways and that he does feel the disconnection between us.
He said that he realizes I love staying indoors watching documentaries and talking about politics which is exactly the opposite of what he likes. Even when it comes to watching a TVshow or movie, I like horror and dark humor or even very sad and painful stories. He prefers comedies or what he considers uplifting happy stories. He says there's enough sadness in the world that he doesn't need to look for more of it. I seem to thrive on depressing and angry things.
So we decided we needed more time together first and foremost and for me to limit my use of facebook. We spent a whole day together just the two of us when we both took the day off from work together and then later our daughter went for a playdate at her friend's house. BH and I drank a little and had an amazing time laughing and just sharing things we hadn't done before. We had great sex (sadly it was only after my original EA was discovered back in January that i finally realized how much I had neglected that area and since then we have been having a rather active sex life which for us is at least 5 days a week) and when it was time to pick our daughter up we were sincerely disappointed that our fun had to end. That was just last Sunday.
I was feeling fantastic and I really felt happy that he was showing me that he believed that nobody else but him could make me feel loved and special. You see the fact that he didn't give me a hard time over the drafted message and him allowing me to be back on facebook made me feel like he felt unthreatened by any other men and that he knew nobody could make me as happy as he could. I honestly felt like i hadn't in so long, I felt happy, sexy, valued and most of all I loved that confidence in my BH that I longed for. Not sure if this makes any sense.
I will continue in another post.