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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-09-2011, 12:07 PM   #16 (permalink)
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You're rugsweeping.

Its almost as if you're in awe of her, and the prestige her profession holds.
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Old 12-09-2011, 12:08 PM   #17 (permalink)
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this just sucks because I still have so much fun with her and I feel like we can be together. I don't feel like she feels he is an upgrade just someone who can make her happy for now. I really do feel like if I can make her happy she will ditch him and stay with me and never cheat again. I have had a lot of problems with things and I am doing them like never before easily because I don't care about things like videogames as much. I don't feel addicted to them and stupid things like that. So even if I don't get her back I feel like I will be a better person for someone else. And I feel like right now I can't do that if I'm not here. Because I would just miss her so much. I really do think given some time and me paying more attention to her she will fall back in love with me because that is what I was like before we got too comfortable. She told me if I can make her happy she would immediately ditch him because she really wants to be with me but she has just not been convinced for the past few years that I can. I would just hate to give up until I'm sure.
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Old 12-09-2011, 12:15 PM   #18 (permalink)
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blameshifting

it's when a cheater blames you or what you do in the marriage for their cheating instead of the plain truth that they are being extremely selfish and hurtful

she is doing that

you did NOTHING to make her cheat or choose him

UNDERSTAND THAT before doing anything else

She is in what is called a fog, she will do anything and everything to protect her affair
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Old 12-09-2011, 12:16 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I don't feel like I'm rationalizing her cheating. It was wrong and I'm not happy about it. But it doesn't change the fact that I wasn't making her happy. And if thats all she needs to stay with me then I can stop being so caught up in videogames and all that other stuff. If not at least I will be a better man that doesn't do all that stuff all the time when I'm ready to divorce. Because I'm making the rest of my life better by bettering myself. I feel being in this situation and knowing I will need to do better with this stuff if I divorce for my next relationship I feel like I want to stay status quo so I can be sure I'm better with these changes and getting my 4 year degree.

She did say this is not about him to her. She said she is in love with him but she said she would dump him immediately if she determines she can be happy with me. I still have so much fun with her since then and we are doing better with that stuff because we are getting to spend more time together, and I would hate to divorce without finding out for sure if we could work out.
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Old 12-09-2011, 12:20 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by looking for help View Post
I don't feel like I'm rationalizing her cheating. It was wrong and I'm not happy about it. But it doesn't change the fact that I wasn't making her happy. And if thats all she needs to stay with me then I can stop being so caught up in videogames and all that other stuff. If not at least I will be a better man that doesn't do all that stuff all the time when I'm ready to divorce. Because I'm making the rest of my life better by bettering myself. I feel being in this situation and knowing I will need to do better with this stuff if I divorce for my next relationship I feel like I want to stay status quo so I can be sure I'm better with these changes and getting my 4 year degree.

She did say this is not about him to her. She said she is in love with him but she said she would dump him immediately if she determines she can be happy with me. I still have so much fun with her since then and we are doing better with that stuff because we are getting to spend more time together, and I would hate to divorce without finding out for sure if we could work out.
but it won't be enough for her to stay with you

you can be the best hubby in the world and she won't stay with you

trust me when I say this

her statement is complete and utter BS and a perfect example of cake eating

unless she agrees to ending the affair first, have no contact whatsoever, and start showing remorse and transparency then you will never save the marriage
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Old 12-09-2011, 12:39 PM   #21 (permalink)
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BS. This is entirely about him to her. It is that she has chosen and is choosing to pursue a romantic emotional and physical relationship with him.

If she put that same energy into the marriage - it wouldn't be like it is today.

And stop accepting her gas lighting. Repeat after me: There is never an acceptable reason or situation to choose to cheat. Never.

Look, I guarantee that her current attitude and your current reaction WILL lead to divorce, or to you continuing to be a cuckold.

If you don't like either of those outcomes then change your game plan today.

In every case of infidelity - there can be no hope of reconciliation until the affair: Emotional and Physical ends.

So long as she is continuing to invest in the affair - your marriage is done.
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Old 12-09-2011, 01:03 PM   #22 (permalink)
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I think your reluctance to file for D is from your fear of losing her income and the comfortable living you have come to enjoy. For this, she lost her respect for you and you want to hang on to this lifestyle no matter what.

Like your lawyer suggested, why don't you either get a job or go back to school? If you had been the main caregiver for the children, the chances are high that you will get more favorable custody and therefore CS from your W in the event of D. And, even some alimony.

Her saying thaf if you make her happy she will come back to you is an utter nonsense. She says she doesn't see any realistic future with OM, but this is not unusual. Many WW feels the same way too, especially when the OM is married. She just wants to keep her status quo with children by keeping you on the side, while having him as her "man" in her heart.

Have some respect for yourself and try finding some anger in you. From outside looking in, you do know how pathetic you look right now, don't you?
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Old 12-09-2011, 01:11 PM   #23 (permalink)
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I'm not worried about losing her income, because I talked to the lawyer and I should be fine without her financially. I just really feel like we can be happy together in the end. She is taking a break from him. at the end I may threaten to expose both of them if she does decide to go see him rather than stay with me and I may be ready to divorce. I would just hate to wonder what could have been if I make the decision to end it forever without knowing.
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Old 12-09-2011, 01:15 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustaJerk View Post
You're rugsweeping.

Its almost as if you're in awe of her, and the prestige her profession holds.
I'm not in awe of her profession. I am just still madly in love with her and enjoy our time together greatly. Our time together has improved since I have become a better person by doing things I've always wanted to do like ditch videogames 5 nights a week and so forth. So I will be a better person if this does not work out. I just hate that it took this to make me such. But that is why I am staying because if I leave now I will be miserable if I couldn't find out for sure if we would have worked.
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Old 12-09-2011, 01:22 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Your approach is what is called Plan A. Well, if you can stomach it, you can try this approach. My advice is to not drag it too long. This approach if taken too far will seriously mess you up.

Also, you should know there are numerous cases of BHs out there who hoped WW would end A voluntarily if he treats her nicely enough and got burned badly in the end. Although there are exceptions, most WWs just cannot pull themselves out of their fog and sever the relationship by themselves, even though they may convince themselves they can.
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Old 12-09-2011, 01:29 PM   #26 (permalink)
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I can stomach it for now. I don't think I will let it drag on too long.
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Old 12-09-2011, 01:32 PM   #27 (permalink)
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I'm not worried about losing her income, because I talked to the lawyer and I should be fine without her financially. I just really feel like we can be happy together in the end. She is taking a break from him. at the end I may threaten to expose both of them if she does decide to go see him rather than stay with me and I may be ready to divorce. I would just hate to wonder what could have been if I make the decision to end it forever without knowing.
If they are still in contact via text, email. and skype - then they aren't taking a break. They just aren't physically meeting up.
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Old 12-09-2011, 01:36 PM   #28 (permalink)
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they are not in contact at all during this period
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Old 12-09-2011, 01:46 PM   #29 (permalink)
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they are not in contact at all during this period
Be honest...

Why? at least the "why" that she's telling you....
Then tell us the "why" you want to believe, and then the other "why" the one that might scare you ? What's your gut tell you?

and please tell us how you know thay are not in contact?
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Old 12-09-2011, 01:53 PM   #30 (permalink)
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"She will probably go see him for a week on jan 25 but she rarely sees him although she did skype once a week."

She's been cheating with him for 3 YEARS

She keeps in contact with him, and has recently flown to see him and have sex with him.

Now she's giving you "1 and 3/4 months" to change her mind.

and you think she's not in contact with him? really?

Even if she isn't - you've got a that clock ticking. Do you want to put a calendar up in the kitchen or over the bed with the count down?

Look - she's cheated for 3 years, that means your youngest could easily be his.

I smell a lot of bad faith here on her part. This sounds entirely like her final "well I tried, so I'm not a bad person for cheating and ending my marriage, cause I tried." final act after which he and she execute their existing plan to be together.

She'll take the kids and move across the country with them ?

You'll keep the kids and she'll go live her happy fun life with him?
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