Christopher

I think you are screwed. I do not understand how on earth you can post your story, hopefully proof-read it and think you aren't bat**** crazy. She is a Dr. and you cannot compose a paragraph correctly. I am not trying to be harsh but I don't see it working out. Ask your wife to hire you a good attorney.

looking for help

I'm not proof reading because its a forum and I'm trying to do it in between taking care of two kids.

I will paternity test the youngest child. My gut tells me this is not about her being in love with him. I really feel that we can work out if we both just spend some time together having fun. We really haven't done that much in the past 3 years because she was so busy with work and both of us with kids.

I know she won't skype him because I know when she is doing that. I know when he texts her as well. If you knew her as well as I do I do believe she wants to stop with him and stay with me but she hasn't believed it would work in the past.

jenis

I'm so sorry. I can only describe that she has done to you is so cruel, dumping responsibility for this long term affair (3 years? really?) on you, undoubtedly destroying your sense of self worth over this long period. Boxing you in to the point where you are enabling with no real barriers/consequences for her cheating.

The only thing that comes to mind if you do nothing else:

1) Do not feel responsible for her unhappiness or the affair.
2) Do take pride and draw a sense of fullfilment for being the primary caregiver for your children. You may want more in terms of a career, but it's highly likely that nothing will be as rewarding as the time you are spending with your children. You are very lucky to be able to do this.
3) Work on yourself. Whether it's school, working out, volunteering, heck even going out for a walk is a start.
4) Do not let her make you feel bad about something as trivial as playing video games. You are entitled to your likes and what you do on your free time. Yes, moderation and keeping it away for the kids if it's violent or not appropriate is in order.
5) Do strive to be the person you are, not the person your wife would like to define you as or what you believe your wife would like you to be. It's damaging your self worth.

sadcalifornian

I can't imagine any WW can go cold turkey after 3 yr EA/PA. OP seems way too optimistic for his own good.

looking for help

I do take a pride and sense of fulfillment with taking care of the kids. That is another reason why I am trying to make this work. Because I feel like even if the chance is only 50/50 I will take it because I'm holding up ok.

The thought of even if I get my kids she may take them half of the time does not sit well in my mind. So as long as I feel like we can work and after we work things get back to normal with no more cheating that's one of the main reasons I am doing it.

I am not letting her make me feel bad about videogames. A lot of these things she said made her unhappy also made me unhappy. I was addicted to videogames. I did not like that. I like it now that I only play for small sittings.

A lot of these things that made her unhappy also mad me unhappy. And it feels a lot easier to change these things right now. So that's part of it as well.

So far I have not done anything I haven't wanted to do, it actually feels good to have more free time after the kids go to bed because I'm not playing video games and trying some of the things we never did together because I have that extra time. Things like that.

I have committed myself to changing these things because I know it makes her unhappy as well as me as well as any woman in a future relationship. So no matter what I feel like I will come out better.

I do not feel responsible for the affair or her unhappiness because she never flat out told me - "you are making me unhappy, make some changes or we are done." So I do not feel guilty, only know that she will have to be happy in order for us to work.

Christopher

Hey, these are the facts.

1. She is not happy with you. "Fun stuff/things" is not what she is expecting. I am sure she is smart enough to realize that life isn't a carnival.

2. She is not going to stop seeing other people. She will locate what she is seeking, trust me. Right now she is waiting on her boyfriend to make a decision. Regardless of that decision , you are not going to win her back. She is either going to be his "prize" or someone else's down the road.

The other folks on here that are telling you to run are right. Run dude.

looking for help

what do some of these abbreviations mean scandinavian? By the way I am optimistic not because I feel we are for sure going to be together, but I feel I have been unhappy for years for not being who I really wanted to be which is what I feel she really wanted in the first place. So I feel I have nothing to lose because I will come out better.

ArmyofJuan

What you feel is irrelevant. It’s what she feels that counts and you acting all beta is turning her off. She probably just feels sorry for you and puts up a front to keep you in line. Don’t believe anything she says.
Typical narcissist. Too bad she doesn’t care about you, huh?
This is a bit delusional.
YOU CAN NOT COMPETE WITH THE AFFAIR.
The third time my W left, we were in MC and she said I was the perfect husband and she was crying the entire time. She couldn’t say one bad thing about me or the M. One week later she was telling the OM she couldn’t wait to be Mrs. OM. Affairs are irrational and addictions and there no possible way you are going to “nice” her back. It just doesn’t work that way. All you’ve done is enable her A to continue.
You are not doing it for her, you are doing it for yourself.
Sorry, you’re wrong. I thought this too as many others on her have and we paid for our mistakes. Human nature says we want what we can’t have and we don’t appreciate what comes easy. I know you really, really, want this to work but only the “Tough Love” approach seems to be most effective method in getting them to come around.
She’s setting you up for failure.

What about making YOU happy. Ask yourself this, she cheats on you then requires you to be a better husband to make her stop, does that seem fair?

Why are you REWARDING her for cheating on you?
She gets to screw another guy on the side and her punishment is her husband kissing her ass for it?

And what do you get? Why you get to stay with an unfaithful wife until she gets bored again!

Look at this from an outside point of view. You are getting screwed in this deal. It’s win-win for her and you lose.

The only real method to get her to dump the OM and want you back is for you to dump HER. Remember about wanting what we can’t have? If she can have the OM but not you she will be more attracted to you again. She will want to be with the person she fears she will lose the most.

You need to stand up for yourself to earn her respect back. You are not benefiting from this arrangement so you need to move forward to end it and see if she tries to stop you. You will not have a real M until she is back 100% and she won't do that until you force her hand and try to leave her.

sadcalifornian

You seem to put too much stock in your part in this with video game addition and what not, as if once you change those aspects she would just magically come back. The hard truth is even though those may have contributed to her A, once she is in it, she cannot get out of it so easily. Do not underestimate the emotional connection woman cherishes in relationship. The pure addictiveness of it.

From this point on, you can be the most perfect H in the world, but that may well not be enough. EA is a powerful addiction especially to women. I just want you to know.

Almostrecovered

click the newbie link in my signature for terms and abbreviations

__________________
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
Newbies please read this
My story

tacoma

If I were your wife I' d probably cheat on you too.
At the very least I'd leave you.

No, on second thought I'd exactly what she's doing.
Nannies are expensive and you fill the position nicely.

Women are attracted to men.
Men don't allow their women another man on the side while letting her treat them like the help.

Grow some balls, leave your "wife", stop being a cuckold.
Posted via Mobile Device

Pit-of-my-stomach

I need the answers to the questions I asked about what she told you was the reason for the 7 week hiatus (and why that specific amount of time) ?

The reason is I'd (we'd) like prepare you for what your about to see.

You are about to get flattened by a mack truck. Closing your eyes is not going to make that truck stop.

I know exactly what your thinking... because EVERYONE thinks it. I thought it, everyone does. "this is different" "my wife is different" "you guys just dont understand"

maybe even... "If I only would have/wouldn't have done __________ this wouldnt be happening".... "our problems are mostly my fault, I understand/can't really blame her" "we can fix this, I can fix this."

looking for help

By the way I may agree that if I force her to make a decision it may help me in the end. But she only told me two weeks ago and I am still trying to figure out the scenarios that might happen if we divorce. I don't know for sure if 1 3/4 months away from him and only with me will fix things, but I feel a lot better that she won't be in contact. And if I feel she is just stringing me along I may be prepared to make a decision to force her to either dump him or stay with me right before she is done with the break. But this time with just us I think will give me a good feeling as to whether we can work out in my opinion even if we don't get there by the end.

And I am wondering if I will expose her to the community or just her family or what. Because I do kind of feel that if she is forced out of her house and loses her kids which the attorney said is likely as long as I could pay for the house which I think I can.

I think she will think a lot harder if it is worth it to do what she is doing at that point.

sadcalifornian

Exposure is a double-edged sword. The more you expose, the more difficult for W to come back.

The positive side is it definitely helps end the A. The negative is she may become reluctant to come back to the marriage out of embarassment.

Exposure to OMW is a must, no matter what the circumstance is. Exposure to family and inlaws at this juncture is a tough call.

looking for help

I suppose you are right about it being a double edged sword.

The bad part of the other man is that he is not married. If he was I guarantee I would have immediately exposed him there if that was the case. It would probably be a lot simpler if he was married for that reason.