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Husband hates me 6 mos after I cheated..

173K views 252 replies 46 participants last post by  farsidejunky 
#1 ·
I dont know where to begin. I am sitting here somewhat confused which is why I am online lookiong for the "answer"..Lol :(
So, I cheated on my husband abt 6 mos ago - he found out by going to paste something that he thought he had copied on the PC, but ended up pasting an entire message I had wrote to the person I was having an affair with. Great. Here's where the good and bad began...
Good because that guy I was having an affair with was a mistake. completely. And bad obviously due to my husband finding this out in a worst possible way while I was at work..
So, we hashed it out majorly, some pretty rough, turbulant times going over the occurance(s) and why and how, and how horrible I am/was/etc. The grief, the guilt, the pain, the loss of the things I was doing which obv caused some enjoyment or I wouldnt have been doing it in the first place..
And my Hb decided to stay with me and that we would work on things. And we have been doing so for 6 mos... However, this is the problem. He cannot forgive me.
We can have a great day, or a great week, or we can be just okay and getting along and then....suddenly, out of th eblue in my opinion, he's depressed, which causes or turns into anger, and he's lashing out at me, or snod remarks etc. When all I have been doing is being me, living our life, working, being mom, etc, meanign I havent done anything wrong that day he lashes out on me, or even that week, etc. I just dont think it is fair that if he chose to stay in this relationship and if I am not doing anythign wrong, I am being honest and a good wife and mom, I dont think it's fair that he can just be mean over something that happened 6 mos ago that I cannot erase! I can never take it back, we can only move forward or really on be in today. I have tried to explain this to him numerous times, but never really listens or understands, he only sees his POV and starts yelling and guess what.. leaves. He's gone for good he says tonight, and I honestly think he means it this time. I am sad. I wish he would have left initially almost. I wish he could see that I have changed and the good that I am doing.. But anytime I want to see a girlfriend even with my kids with me, he is not okay with that. He has become CONTROLLING beyond belief, now we are divorcing because I went to my best friend's 7 yr. old son's basketball game and to her home for a few hours on his oof day. Because I intentionally did that to hurt him he says, because I knew he needed me as he is depressed, and needed me.. I';m sorry but I would like to continue somewhat of a social life outside our marriage and maybe have at least one friend!?
He is a chef and works 14 hrs a day typically and we are opposite schedules, I think all the problems stem from this. I am a FT worker, and mom the rest of the evening, and maid, then at 11:30 at night when he gets home I am expected to be a fabulous wife too, when do I ever get me time to be me and be relaxed..? Ugh sorry
 
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#2 ·
I guess what I wanted to ask.. is.... can this ever be mended? He seems to not understand where I am coming from, only sees that I dont love him, which in turn everytime he says that to me or asks for more affection (when we are fighting) it makes me think that he doesnt really love me for who I am, he wants me to change or to act or be someone that I am not being currently, which is me!? So I think he doesnt love me, we are a mess... We cant communicate effectively at all. We twend to only see our own perspective, me too I guess..But I understand he is hurt, I just cant erase what happened - All I can do is be respectful and honest and not lie going forward and thats what Im doing but it is not enough...?!
 
#4 ·
Thanks, and that is the case..
But, you dont know the whole situa of course.
I need a friend too, and my friend and I only see each other like 2x per month, and tonight Hb tells me I choose my friend over him anytime..Nope. I am with Hb literally every day he is off (which are my workdays) so only for about 5 hours those days.. But he is off 2 days per week, and I see my friend like 2 x a month.. WTF..
Had it planned all week, and he knew it then blew up as soon as I was about to leave.. A reason to end this? I dont know why...
Jealousy, fear, all kinds of things probably. I am tired of walking on egg shells if I want to do anything. It's the main problem, he feels like if I go anywhere on his off day that means I dont love him. I feel trapped and suffocated! I do love him. ****. I invited him to come, would have been nice, but nopppe.
 
#5 ·
The straightforward simple answer is this. Once a spouse cheated in the marriage, the marriage is never going to be the same again. The innocence is gone. The trust is gone. The fidelity no longer exists.

Your husband is processing the change. He will continue to process the betrayal. His pain will lessen with time (may take years), but the memory lives forever.
 
#6 ·
Thank you aug. I understand that. I personally, if my Hb had cheated on me most likely would have caleld it quits straight away as I knwo that I would always have doubts and not strong enough to handle that. But he chose to stay and to work things out, and now I guess is realizing even though he has tried he simply cant.

I talked to him today and stated pretty much what you said, that our relationship will NEVER be the same, it cant be unfortunatly, but that that does not mean that is still cant be good, or even great. Just that he will never blindly trust me again most likely. I told him that this was okay and that I understood that, but that in order to move forward he must forgive. He cant keep bringing things up anytime a tv show or movie, etc triggers his emotions.. Well, I mean of course he should be able to bring it uo and talk about it as adults if it is bothering him.. Bue he cannot just lash out at me and claim depressed, unhealthy, and not resolving anything, also hurting the relationship further!
 
#8 ·
OP, do you ever think of his feelings and the horrible thing you did to him? Where , in all of your selfish rant , do you ever mention that you lied, cheated and disrespected him, in the worse possible way. If I was him , I would have kicked you out long ago. You are the one who cheated, you are the one to fix the marriage , if it is going to be fixed. You didn't make a mistake with the otherman, you chose to defile your marriage and hurt your husband. You chose to do it, remember that. What have you done to atone to him, what have you done to make restitution? You think only about your wants and needs, and he has to suck it up for your sake. See what is wrong with this?
 
#10 ·
That is exactly what he is doing, he said how can he know if I am really there.. Well, first of akk our 7 yr old daughter's with me!? And besides how long do I have to endure not being able to go anywhere without getting threatened by divorce, or told I dont love him? I find it somewhat rediculous, yes I doid horribly wrong. But for how long do I suffer, I mean, do you really think it is okay to freak out about something whenever you want just because something bad happened to you in your past!? No.
And who wants to be with someone who has no friends and no life besides work?!
 
#13 ·
Thank you Tierzastarr.. I read that site.. and this is how I feel my Hb is being:

Using resentment as a way to control and punish a spouse

I'm convinced that what's kept the resentment of S.R.'s husband alive for so many years is that he has found it to be an effective way to control and punish her whenever she doesn't do what he wants. Whenever they have a fight, he brings it up, and it causes her such guilt that it gives him a decided advantage in winning the argument.

By this time, I don't believe that her affair is the problem that she thinks it is. Instead, it is an issue that her husband is using to get the upper hand in his relationship with her. It probably shows up the most whenever she has been reluctant to have sex with him. It throws her off balance whenever he mentions it, and makes her feel guilty, wanting to make it up to him somehow. He may also bring it up whenever she is winning in a power struggle he is having with her.

What she describes to me in her letter is abuse, pure and simple. There is no excuse for the way her husband keeps bringing up her moment of weakness she experienced years ago. He is disrespectful and abusive.

I suggest that she look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answers to any of those questions is 'yes' you sure are going about it the wrong way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"

What if he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."

To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. You must never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, especially by the man I love."

My advice to her husband is to never mention her affair again. It's a good example of one of the enemies of good conversation, dwelling on past mistakes. Whenever you keep bringing up your spouses past mistakes, you not only make your conversations incredibly unpleasant, but it cannot possibly lead to a resolution of a conflict you may be discussing. And as soon as his resentment doesn't pay him any dividends -- no longer helps him get his way -- he will find that it hardly ever occurs to him.

Hanging on to an unpleasant thought because it helps us somehow is what psychologists call "secondary gain." It means that even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets you something you need, so your mind keeps it around for its usefulness. There are many unpleasant thoughts that have this characteristic, and I have helped many people let them go by helping them destroy the usefulness of the thought. Making sure that S.K.'s husband never gets what he wants by bringing up her affair will help him overcome his resentment.

Other considerations
 
#244 ·
Thank you Tierzastarr.. I read that site.. and this is how I feel my Hb is being:

Using resentment as a way to control and punish a spouse
Oh get over yourself already. Resentment isn't to punish the spouse. Its how your husband FEELS! But its clear you don't think you should suffer any punishment even if resentment was designed to do that.


What she describes to me in her letter is abuse, pure and simple. There is no excuse for the way her husband keeps bringing up her moment of weakness she experienced years ago. He is disrespectful and abusive.
Oh please. By cheating, you mentally and emotionally abuse your spouse. Cheaters don't get to cry disrespect and abuse. Please.

If your H was beating you or physically keeping you from going anywhere, I would agree. But you are a grown woman. You make the decision to respect a husband you royally F'd over and realize that any extended period of time gone during this short time you screwed him over will make him wonder what you are doing.

Sorry, but by your description he wasn't like this before you cheated on him. Now he is. Ever wonder why? You even said yourself if he cheated on you it would have more than likely been over immediately. So now we can add hypocrite to your list of attributes.

What if he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."

To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call.
:lol:

Oh you have got to be kidding. That is your attitude, that you married him for life? You just didn't expect fidelity to be part of that did ya?:rofl:



My advice to her husband is to never mention her affair again.
First off, the difference between her situation and yours is, 6 mos is still to early, and this is all still to fresh to your husband.

So tell me, if your H is to never bring up your affair again, then what should he do whenever the vision of you riding another man, sucking him off, having orgasms, etc.? What should your H do when these thoughts come back to torment him?

I know, just get over it:rolleyes:

Again, this is ALL ABOUT YOU and your comfort in all of this while the comfort of your H is obviously irrelevant.

If you are complaining about having a hard way of going with things after only 6 mos, its obvious you don't care about the trauma you put your husband through.

If he has to suffer in the short term, then so do you. Take your lumps or set him free from the likes of you.
 
#15 ·
Your on to something, I have taken a big step forwrd and have fogiven my fWW. I hope someday your H can figure out the true meaning of forgiveness, clearly he is not there yet.
What sucks is this great understanding of forgiveness is something done on an idividual level. No one can make someone forgive them, they have to do it on there own.

I hope your H looks in to the whole idea of forgiveness and understand it....he will be better off served, and so will your marriage.

How many time did you call him when you were at the game?

what helps for me is the constant call i get from fWW. these call are short and to the point "just thinking about you hubby and I'll be home soon" or Just got to the game, I'm OK see you soon".

It realy helps me, my W calls me all the time jsut to check in...its nice to know she's thinking about me and makes the effort to acknowledge my concerns.
 
#18 ·
You cannot expect your husband to just forget, forgive and move on, not in 6 months. It takes years for the betrayed spouse to recover from an affair. I know that as the wayward spouse (WS) you do not get this, but it is reality.

When I found out about my husband’s affair it threw me into a horrible deep depression. I could not go to work the first couple of weeks after that. For months afterwards I could not concentraite at work. I would just sit at my computer all day as stare. The emotional pain was horrible. After a while I became so non-functional that I had to get on anti-depressants. And even with that I’d say it two 2-3 years before I started to feel like myself again.

My father’s death did not cause me as much pain and I was only 21 when he died.

The still birth of my twins was on the same level as the emotional shock of the divorce. But there is a major difference. The death of the twins was an act of nature. The affair on the other hand was a malicious, purposeful act by the person who had promised to love and care for me. To know that he could do that to me was a shock to my very being.

The way you describe your husband he might need anti-depressents for a while.

What have you done to help your husband feel safe now?

What are the two of you doing to repair your marriage?

There are some books I suggest, they are my Dr. Harley, “Surviving an Affair”, “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. If you both follow what those books talk about, you can repair and build a much stronger marriage.
 
#31 ·
Thank you for sharing your information. BTW I love Love Busters, very informative and helpful. I need to read more on their site.
He does need anti-depressants IMO. He is very depressed lately, for months almost, here and there. :(

How do I help him feel safe.. Well, I am not very good at this maybe. I feel like me staying home most of the time, most always, and that me letting him know times I will be home if I do go somewhere and sticking to that time, and if running behind to let him know, etc. Always answering him when he calls, etc.

We arent currently doing anything to repair our marriage. We went to counseling separately months ago, and together prior to that (prior to the affair) for other reasons..but currently a BIG NOTHING, I did agree today to go though if that is what he wants. But now he is gone, and sounds very serious about this being the end, very hateful and just done.. dear.... :(
 
#20 ·
No... I do blame myself, I am the root of the cause and the problem. I am fully aware of that. It hurts and it sucks, it hurts him the most.
However, I feel that he has taken me down even further, and that I cannot be fully in love with him while he is treating me this way.
I do love my Hb and he is a great man and father, I want to be married to him forever if we can just get past this but I am afraid that we may not be able to..
We are on a downward spiral and it doesnt end, only subsides, then resurfaces when his emotions are re-triggered. But then it doesnt become an adult, loving, or even caring talk, it becomes a fight and an "I'm leaving, done" when nothing new has happened, nothing wrong has been done again...?! Im just confused.!
 
#25 ·
Maybe what'll help is when his emotions are triggered don't fight back. Tell him how much you love him. How sorry you are and you want to help. Is your friend a male?
I try not to fight back, and to go through the motions of what I have descrived in this thread and to tell him I understand but that we need to move forward, etc, I even agreed to counseling if he could set it up.

The friend is my Bf, a female. Whom he hates because she knew abotu the affair,. So particularly, anytime I am with her he is not happy.
 
#28 ·
It always amazes me how Waywards just expect things to go back to normal.

Listen...6 months is nothing...NOTHING....when it comes to healing from infidelity.





Everything you have wrote above reeks of selfishness...allow me to quote:



"However, this is the problem. He cannot forgive me."

Ya think? Please...he is just now beginning to get the feeling back in his legs....geesh give the guy some real time for Christ sake.


"We can have a great day, or a great week, or we can be just okay and getting along and then....suddenly, out of th eblue in my opinion, he's depressed, which causes or turns into anger, and he's lashing out at me, or snod remarks etc"

Its not out of the blue...it's out of the pit-of-despair that's festering where his heart used to be. Oh..and really snod remarks? Anger? Lashing out? He is in real pain...real pain caused by you and your worried about snod remarks....please!


"I just dont think it is fair that if he chose to stay in this relationship and if I am not doing anythign wrong, I am being honest and a good wife and mom, I dont think it's fair that he can just be mean over something that happened 6 mos ago that I cannot erase!"

It's not fair...correct...it's entirely not fair to HIM. Ya so honey...I cheated on you...I know your whole life is going to be in turmoil now...I step all over you manhood and perhaps you will be a single father that sees his kids on the weekends when all is said and done. It's no big deal..I am being good now..I know it looks exactly the same as it did before when I was lying to you and sleeping with another guy...but for real i am being good...so just get over it...because it's not fair to me. PLEASE!


"But anytime I want to see a girlfriend even with my kids with me, he is not okay with that. He has become CONTROLLING beyond belief..."

Maybe because he thinks your girlfriend knew about the affair and didn't tell him, maybe he thinks she is a toxic enabler...or maybe he thinks you should be more concerned about him rather than you silly girlfriend.


"I'm sorry but I would like to continue somewhat of a social life outside our marriage and maybe have at least one friend!?"

Wow! So you cheat on your husband, crush him...he is laying on the floor in a pile of his own guts...just crying out to be taken seriously and you want a social life...nice.


"I am a FT worker, and mom the rest of the evening, and maid, then at 11:30 at night when he gets home I am expected to be a fabulous wife too, when do I ever get me time to be me and be relaxed..? Ugh sorry"

You are not a fabulous wife...that's for sure. No your not sorry. I detect not one shred of empathy for what you have put your husband through.



Listen..you haven't even begun to do any of the heavy work involved with reconciliation. If you and your husband are ever going to have a shot... you...yes you are going to have to get over how important you think you are.
 
#43 ·
Im sorry but I tend to think, as I'm sure that you do, that I am important as I am my own being and my only self. Of course I care about the ways that I am feeling through all of this, how else would I share my thoughts and emotions about this situation.. That does not mean that I do not care or have any empathy for my Hb. Although I find some of your comments a bit humorous I feel that you are an a** when it comes to delivery of any meaning.
 
#36 ·
I understand that you are a compassionate person,Tierzastarr, but the OP is not. I'm not trying to bash her, I'm trying to get her to turn her thinking from her own selfish thoughts and begin to show that same compassion and remorse to her husband. But she refuses to do so. I really don't think she came here to find out what she can do to help her husband, she came here to shift blame to him. Look at all of her posts. She will say, yes I cheated, but.......then goes right back to ranting about her husbands issues. Instead of being defensive, and blame-shifting, if she were to ask , "what can I do to be a better person, or to atone to my husband or to prove my love". I wouldn't be so insistant.
 
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