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Husband hates me 6 mos after I cheated..

173K views 252 replies 46 participants last post by  farsidejunky 
#1 ·
I dont know where to begin. I am sitting here somewhat confused which is why I am online lookiong for the "answer"..Lol :(
So, I cheated on my husband abt 6 mos ago - he found out by going to paste something that he thought he had copied on the PC, but ended up pasting an entire message I had wrote to the person I was having an affair with. Great. Here's where the good and bad began...
Good because that guy I was having an affair with was a mistake. completely. And bad obviously due to my husband finding this out in a worst possible way while I was at work..
So, we hashed it out majorly, some pretty rough, turbulant times going over the occurance(s) and why and how, and how horrible I am/was/etc. The grief, the guilt, the pain, the loss of the things I was doing which obv caused some enjoyment or I wouldnt have been doing it in the first place..
And my Hb decided to stay with me and that we would work on things. And we have been doing so for 6 mos... However, this is the problem. He cannot forgive me.
We can have a great day, or a great week, or we can be just okay and getting along and then....suddenly, out of th eblue in my opinion, he's depressed, which causes or turns into anger, and he's lashing out at me, or snod remarks etc. When all I have been doing is being me, living our life, working, being mom, etc, meanign I havent done anything wrong that day he lashes out on me, or even that week, etc. I just dont think it is fair that if he chose to stay in this relationship and if I am not doing anythign wrong, I am being honest and a good wife and mom, I dont think it's fair that he can just be mean over something that happened 6 mos ago that I cannot erase! I can never take it back, we can only move forward or really on be in today. I have tried to explain this to him numerous times, but never really listens or understands, he only sees his POV and starts yelling and guess what.. leaves. He's gone for good he says tonight, and I honestly think he means it this time. I am sad. I wish he would have left initially almost. I wish he could see that I have changed and the good that I am doing.. But anytime I want to see a girlfriend even with my kids with me, he is not okay with that. He has become CONTROLLING beyond belief, now we are divorcing because I went to my best friend's 7 yr. old son's basketball game and to her home for a few hours on his oof day. Because I intentionally did that to hurt him he says, because I knew he needed me as he is depressed, and needed me.. I';m sorry but I would like to continue somewhat of a social life outside our marriage and maybe have at least one friend!?
He is a chef and works 14 hrs a day typically and we are opposite schedules, I think all the problems stem from this. I am a FT worker, and mom the rest of the evening, and maid, then at 11:30 at night when he gets home I am expected to be a fabulous wife too, when do I ever get me time to be me and be relaxed..? Ugh sorry
 
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#160 ·
Well you just did bet your life on it hypothetically. All his "friends" were female except two. The group was about 10 to 14 people. One woman even went so far as to say "you should have protected your relationship with OW better than that".
If you've EVER taken a stats course, you'd know you need more people than that, as well as peolple from different walks of life to get a better assesment of whatever situation you're trying to guage.
 
#162 ·
Stats are always skewed in some way or manner to benefit a research paper somehow (my personal opinion and experience).

I only meant that not ALL situations follow the curve of statistics, more often then not I see a lot of personal experience that don't follow that "stats curve" at all.

Can't lump it into one thing when you are mixing apples and oranges. That's all I meant by hypothetically betting a life on it.

Short answer: It's not always the case.

BTW: Keep your soul, I have my own (trying to lighten the mood).
 
#161 · (Edited)
Because they are cowards themselves? I cannot think of a more disgusting man than one who is so involved with his buddies that the fact that they are cheating is something of an "honor code". It isn't honor at all. It is cowardice and is the backbone of cheaters.

A "bro" code for crappy behavior is an example of the lowest common denominator. Idiots who need the approval of other men to prove themselves and in turn don't speak of any cheating.

Most men wouldn't tattle on other men. You are correct. They are sheeple. It is the rare few who have a moral code and "tattle".
I'm just the messenger here. There is a "bro" code whether you like it or not- IT'S THE TRUTH! Why am I getting bashed for for telling the truth. Not that I can't take.
 
#171 ·
With the whole friends don't tell issue(I would quote but seems I can't from my cell) I would be inclined to agree to a point. H's EA was out there and my brothers saw it they didn't say anything till my H TOLD them about his dates with OW because he was strongly under the impression that my brothers wouldn't tell because they were his friends. He got that impression because H had bein lying to me about his smoking and drug use for 3 years but my brothers were eyewitnesses to all his lying and because they didn't say anything then I suppose he got confident and told them about OW.
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#173 ·
I once told my boss (who'd arrived with a reputation for frollicking on with female co-workers) that if I discovered any evidence or caught him, his missus would find out there and then.
We had a good working relationship too, I was just stating my ground rules.
I discovered two years after I'd left that he and a co worker had indeed had some 'sessions' together and they'd both made damn sure they'd covered their tracks so that I wouldn't hear about it.
Didn't make a difference though. The girl who told me also told his wife and he was in the 5hit anyhoo.
 
#179 ·
Elegirl and Baltimore, so you are saying that if some of my woman's needs aren't being met, that she will forget all of her upbringing, education, past love, and marital vows and become a lying, deceitful, cheater? Is that the way it is? When things go wrong, instead of trying to fix the problem, you just bail out and become an adulterer. I see.
 
#183 ·
Elegirl and Baltimore, so you are saying that if some of my woman's needs aren't being met, that she will forget all of her upbringing, education, past love, and marital vows and become a lying, deceitful, cheater?.
I'm not saying that everyone will cheat if their needs are not met. I'm saying that some people become more susecptable

Is that the way it is? When things go wrong, instead of trying to fix the problem, you just bail out and become an adulterer. I see.
This is apprently a fact of human nature. Some people become more vunerable. Say a man whose wife refuses him sex, she insults him all the time, belittles him, etc. When he tries to talk to his wife about fixing their marriage she won't talk about it. She just belittles him more.

And there's a woman at work who is in a similar marraige. So the two of them start to talk about their marriages.. over time they become each other's support system, an EA grows and eventually a PA. This sort of affair is pretty typical.
 
#184 ·
Wow. Calling posters on an infidelity forum "freaks" is beyond low, I find it very offensive. Many of us have suffered emotional trauma that will take years to heal from. We post here to help others deal with the devastation of infidelity and cope with our own experiences. Being called a "freak" is like getting a slap in the face after you've already been beaten beyond recognition. I feel bad for her husband. He's not ready to let her go, but he really should.
 
#187 ·
And then there are the spouses who allow cross marital boundaries and start slowly becoming attracted to another man/woman until they cross the final boundary and have an affair - even though their marriages are happy and healthy. Dr Shirley Glass PhD showed how easily folks who never thought they would cheat on their spouses, were able to simply by slowly crossing marital boundaries. And most of these people had good marriages.
 
#195 ·
I'm not saying that having an affair is the right choice. I'm saying that some people end up in affairs because of having some serious needs neglected.

It's a fact of life. And it's why anyone who values their marriage should not just assume they can work 24/7, neglect their spouse and still have a marriage.
 
#196 ·
Elegirl, you are presenting infidelity as a viable option to correct a bad marriage, when it clearly is not, any more than murder is a viable option for road rage. People do not have affairs because they are neglected, people have affairs because they don't know how to correct the neglect in a viable manner. The choice to cheat isn't made by the perpetrator of the neglect, it is made by the person being neglected, so it is their moral failing, not the neglector's. Your examples are skewed in favor of the cheater. I don't , for a minute , believe that cheating happens in good marriages. On the surface, they may be good, but if there was not a problem, there would not have been cheating. If a husband/wife abuses his/her partner (neglect being a form of abuse) There are three viable choices for the abused partner, end the marriage or fix the problem, or accept the marriage as it is. Remembering always, that marriage is a merger of two free agents, not a contract of servitude.
 
#197 ·
Elegirl, you are presenting infidelity as a viable option to correct a bad marriage, when it clearly is not, any more than murder is a viable option for road rage.
No I am not presenting infidelity as a viable option. I am talking about why some people end up in affairs. You are twisting what I am saying.
People do not have affairs because they are neglected, people have affairs because they don't know how to correct the neglect in a viable manner. The choice to cheat isn't made by the perpetrator of the neglect, it is made by the person being neglected, so it is their moral failing, not the neglector's.
A person who neglect’s their spouse’s needs also has a very serious moral failing. If one’s spouse tells them that something is seriously missing and they are neglected, and this is not addressed then there is a moral failure on the part of the neglector.
Your examples are skewed in favor of the cheater.
The examples I gave are real example of situations that I am aware of. They are real. I was asked for examples of marriages in which people have cheated because their needs were not met. I gave some. I could give many more.
I don't , for a minute , believe that cheating happens in good marriages. On the surface, they may be good, but if there was not a problem, there would not have been cheating. If a husband/wife abuses his/her partner (neglect being a form of abuse) There are three viable choices for the abused partner, end the marriage or fix the problem, or accept the marriage as it is. Remembering always, that marriage is a merger of two free agents, not a contract of servitude.
I agree with the above. However humans are flawed and humans do some pretty stupid things sometimes… cheating being one of them. You might be morally perfect. The fast majority of people are not. People fail sometimes.
 
#198 ·
Elegirl, once again, the examples you have given are biased by your inclusion of them, whether they really happened or not, and they illustrate what I'm trying to get at, because they show that both cheaters did not know how to deal with their bad marriages in a viable manner, and because they had bad morals , they cheated. And my point remains the same, a bad marriage, Regardless of who is at fault , isn't an excuse for infidelity,it is an excuse for divorce.
 
#199 ·
Hm... one more time. I did not say there is an excuse for cheating. I said that humans are flawed and thus some cheat.

I also believe that the spouses who did not cheat, the ones who neglected their spouses are morally deficient as well.

Once again, humans are not perfect... all humans are flawed.
 
#200 ·
I truly feel that by espousing this OP's narcissistic behavior, you are doing more harm than good. She will never realize the extent of the damage she has caused, if you continue to make excuses for her. You are being as harmful to her marriage as her "friend", who helped her conceal the affair.
 
#201 ·
I am not espousing the OP's narcissistic behavior. If you read through the thread I told her a list of things that she had to do. One of them was to give up her friends... I was the first person on this thread to tell her that she had to give up her friend.

You are being obtuse and not understanding what I am saying.

And you are out of line telling me that I am harming her marriage.

YOu and I will simply have to agree to disagree. But personal attacks are not acceptable.
 
#204 ·
Plese show me the post in which I told the OP that her husband's neglect caused her problem.

I agree that she sounds like a narcissist. I doubt that she has ever truely cared for her husband from the things she said.
 
#205 ·
Rainbow Dazed, all children from troubled homes will have problems, whether there is a divorce or not. It is not the divorce , per se , that causes the problems it is the family troubles that causes the problems. In many cases, (parental abuse, for example) divorce will actually help the children , far more than harm them. It has been my experience, that children are used as an excuse to keep a marriage together, by one or the other spouse, to avoid having to face their own individual issues.
 
#209 ·
The book His Needs, Her Needs explains what EleGirl is describing. Its not that "needs" are an excuse. There is never an excuse for infidelity. The fact is though, the longer ones goes with unfulfilled needs, the more susceptible they are to seeking fulfillment elsewhere.

Op clearly stated her needs were not being met. Husband was hardly home therefore the emotional connection that most women desire was not being met through adequate affection or stimulating conversation. Women need this. She could've chosen to deal with it another way but she didn't.
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#222 ·
So are drug/alcohol abusing spouses, those who seriously neglect their spouses, and those who physcially abuse their spouses. These people are also choosing to seriously hurt their spouses and abanon their marital vows.
 
#225 ·
I'll bite. My marriage was SH!T before I stepped out of it. Like, awful. Neglect? Absolutely. My husband could go days/weeks without speaking a single word to me. Habitually. A pattern. I spent a good amount of time asking him to go to MC with me. He refused. When we reached crisis levels, he'd come home from work, I'd go to kiss him and he'd tell me to get out of his way, he didn't have time "for that" and there are moments I really thought he hated me. There were many times I did not want to come home from work because I had no clue if he was going to be ignoring me still or happy/chipper. He would tell me he did not love me. He would threaten divorce constantly. He moved his family into our home w/o telling me about (he lied, said they were storing furniture) and when I told him how that really hurt me he didn't include me in such a major decision, he told me "Your opinion doesn't matter to me." And I know that it didn't. How could it? He later told me (during our separation) that he said things to me a person should not even say to a dog...words one should never speak to their worst enemy. He also made comments to me that were downright mean, in front of his family...so bad that his relatives would chastise him and tell him "Dude. That's rude/wrong/awful to say to your wife." He'd tell me that if I didn't f-ck him on command, he would ifnd someone else to do it. Well, we did not have a sexless marriage but over time I did resent him and having sex with him wasn't the first thing on my mind when he'd ignore me for 5-7-9 days on end. And he did find someone else to f-ck. He told me all about it. He also would cruise dating sites posting ads for sex with anonymous women saying he wanted them to set up dates.

None of this makes what I did right or better. I wish more than anything I would not have cheated on him. Because it was not worth it in the end. I lost of piece of myself when I cheated. A piece I never get to get back. I should have just left before I did what I did.

The point I'm trying to make is that some spouses are neglectful. Does that make cheating or an affair ok? No. Does that make neglecting your spouse ok? No. To me, neglecting your spouse in the manner above is breaking your marriage vows. When you do that, you are not honoring or cherishing your spouse. Neglecting your spouse is unloving.

I am the first one to call a cheater out ...cause I've been one. I've been on both sides of the equation in my own marriage, the betrayed and the disloyal.

That said, neglect does exist. And it is absolutely 100% without a doubt, a marriage killer.



 
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