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Husband hates me 6 mos after I cheated..

173K views 252 replies 46 participants last post by  farsidejunky 
#1 ·
I dont know where to begin. I am sitting here somewhat confused which is why I am online lookiong for the "answer"..Lol :(
So, I cheated on my husband abt 6 mos ago - he found out by going to paste something that he thought he had copied on the PC, but ended up pasting an entire message I had wrote to the person I was having an affair with. Great. Here's where the good and bad began...
Good because that guy I was having an affair with was a mistake. completely. And bad obviously due to my husband finding this out in a worst possible way while I was at work..
So, we hashed it out majorly, some pretty rough, turbulant times going over the occurance(s) and why and how, and how horrible I am/was/etc. The grief, the guilt, the pain, the loss of the things I was doing which obv caused some enjoyment or I wouldnt have been doing it in the first place..
And my Hb decided to stay with me and that we would work on things. And we have been doing so for 6 mos... However, this is the problem. He cannot forgive me.
We can have a great day, or a great week, or we can be just okay and getting along and then....suddenly, out of th eblue in my opinion, he's depressed, which causes or turns into anger, and he's lashing out at me, or snod remarks etc. When all I have been doing is being me, living our life, working, being mom, etc, meanign I havent done anything wrong that day he lashes out on me, or even that week, etc. I just dont think it is fair that if he chose to stay in this relationship and if I am not doing anythign wrong, I am being honest and a good wife and mom, I dont think it's fair that he can just be mean over something that happened 6 mos ago that I cannot erase! I can never take it back, we can only move forward or really on be in today. I have tried to explain this to him numerous times, but never really listens or understands, he only sees his POV and starts yelling and guess what.. leaves. He's gone for good he says tonight, and I honestly think he means it this time. I am sad. I wish he would have left initially almost. I wish he could see that I have changed and the good that I am doing.. But anytime I want to see a girlfriend even with my kids with me, he is not okay with that. He has become CONTROLLING beyond belief, now we are divorcing because I went to my best friend's 7 yr. old son's basketball game and to her home for a few hours on his oof day. Because I intentionally did that to hurt him he says, because I knew he needed me as he is depressed, and needed me.. I';m sorry but I would like to continue somewhat of a social life outside our marriage and maybe have at least one friend!?
He is a chef and works 14 hrs a day typically and we are opposite schedules, I think all the problems stem from this. I am a FT worker, and mom the rest of the evening, and maid, then at 11:30 at night when he gets home I am expected to be a fabulous wife too, when do I ever get me time to be me and be relaxed..? Ugh sorry
 
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#233 ·
Did the OP ever come back or is this just an ongoing debate about who's at fault, etc.? I'm not criticizing because this thread is great, and it's good to know there's at least some diversity of thought about adultery on this site instead of just one point of view all the time (eg the whole "cheaters are worse than murderers" thing). Even if she's not back, maybe she's reading and learning like I am.
 
#243 ·
So, I cheated on my husband abt 6 mos ago - he found out by going to paste something that he thought he had copied on the PC, but ended up pasting an entire message I had wrote to the person I was having an affair with. Great. Here's where the good and bad began...
Good because that guy I was having an affair with was a mistake. completely.
As opposed to if it had been a different guy??


So, we hashed it out majorly, some pretty rough, turbulant times going over the occurance(s) and why and how, and how horrible I am/was/etc. The grief, the guilt, the pain, the loss of the things I was doing which obv caused some enjoyment or I wouldnt have been doing it in the first place..
And my Hb decided to stay with me and that we would work on things.
And that was his mistake


And we have been doing so for 6 mos... However, this is the problem. He cannot forgive me.
Why should he? Especially this early? 6 mos isn't crap for someone who has been F'd over to get over things.


We can have a great day, or a great week, or we can be just okay and getting along and then....suddenly, out of th eblue in my opinion, he's depressed, which causes or turns into anger, and he's lashing out at me, or snod remarks etc.

Yup, I know this all too well. Your H's behavior is understandable.


When all I have been doing is being me, living our life, working, being mom, etc, meanign I havent done anything wrong that day he lashes out on me, or even that week, etc.
But you did do something wrong. You cheated on him and you are now someone he can't trust. Sorry, if you want this marriage, you are going to have to take it for a while. He is in pain, you don't get to skate and expect him to just bottle it up.


I just dont think it is fair that if he chose to stay in this relationship and if I am not doing anythign wrong, I am being honest and a good wife and mom, I dont think it's fair that he can just be mean over something that happened 6 mos ago that I cannot erase!
Excuse me? Its not fair that you have given him a horrible vision to relive in his head for the REST OF HIS LIFE!

Sorry, you don't get to mentally abuse him and expect him to just get over it. Seems you want to just skate by and let him carry the burden of what you did. As if cheating wasn't selfish enough.


I can never take it back, we can only move forward or really on be in today. I have tried to explain this to him numerous times, but never really listens or understands, he only sees his POV and starts yelling and guess what.. leaves. He's gone for good he says tonight, and I honestly think he means it this time.
I don't blame him. He has a wife that cheats, which is emotional abuse, he will be haunted by what you did for a long time, but wife expects him to just get over it. Sorry, doesn't work like that.


I am sad. I wish he would have left initially almost.
That comment, coupled with the fact you expect him to just get over it, means that you weren't really wanting to keep the marriage in the first place. You just wanted to get by with very little consequences. And he knows this.


I wish he could see that I have changed and the good that I am doing.. But anytime I want to see a girlfriend even with my kids with me, he is not okay with that.
Of course not. Again, 6 mos isn't crap. You need to earn his trust back. If that means you don't go out with the girls for a long time, then thats what it takes. If you don't want to sacrifice for the crap you have put him through, then just do him the favor of divorce so he can move on with his life and find someone who won't cheat and will respect him.


He has become CONTROLLING beyond belief
And he wasn't before.


now we are divorcing because I went to my best friend's 7 yr. old son's basketball game and to her home for a few hours on his oof day.
You don't understand and you don't care to understand. He can't be sure that is where you went. Now I will concede that he may be over the top a bit. But everyone reacts to being betrayed differently.



Because I intentionally did that to hurt him he says, because I knew he needed me as he is depressed, and needed me.. I';m sorry but I would like to continue somewhat of a social life outside our marriage and maybe have at least one friend!?
And that is reasonable. But again, 6 mos isn't crap and you need to go through sacrifices for a while. He doesn't get to suffer in this with a wife that simply wants to sweep it under the rug and suffer no consequences for he actions.


He is a chef and works 14 hrs a day typically and we are opposite schedules, I think all the problems stem from this.
Oh here we go, blame him for your decision to cheat.


I am a FT worker, and mom the rest of the evening, and maid, then at 11:30 at night when he gets home I am expected to be a fabulous wife too, when do I ever get me time to be me and be relaxed..? Ugh sorry
Its obvious from your post that all you care about is YOU and how much of an easy time you should have and get to have everything your way.

Do your husband a favor. If he doesn't end up filing for divorce, do it for him. He deserves better.
 
#247 ·
OP drops the equivalent of a thermonuclear weapon on her marriage and expects the husband to sign a peace treaty that's all on her terms? Veebras, you even admitted you probably wouldn't have stuck around had he cheated on you.

It's prudent for him not to trust you at this point. Trust is earned, not something you're entitled to, and you've reduced your husband's trust to 0. You have to build it back, which will take years. Your expecations of him are unrealistic and completely unfair. On top of blowing trust completely out of the water, you attack him for having negative feelings after only 6 months?

You should be doing whatever you can to rebuild that trust, offering to prove to him where you are, what you're doing, etc. Instead, you cheat on him and then continue to abuse him? Makes no sense.
 
#249 ·
I have to agree with that. She's being incredibly immature, and completely lacks empathy or remorse. Her's was an exit affair, but she changed her mind. Too painful for her to admit the things she did to her husband. It's much easier to blame him. She knows absolutely nothing about affair recovery or what her husband is going through. This man would be much better off leaving her. She's always going to blame her husband for her affair.

Been there done that. Wife had an affair during our 13th year of marriage, right in the middle of our adoption home study. Caught her by finding her chat log on our upstairs PC where she told him she was going to get a Brazilian wax and couldn't wait to take a picture and show him. Thing is, she said she was doing it for me.

About three months after DD day, she brought her work PC home and I found that logging was turned on for all IM conversations. So, I sat there and read every conversation they ever had over a 5 month period. Very raunchy, very demeaning to me, many personal attacks on my body and abilities. And as an added bonus, I got to read all the gushing conversations with her girlfriends the day after it was consumated. Got to hear how huge he was and that she almost passed out from so many orgasms in a row.

Made a copy and mailed them to his wife. Took up a whole copy paper box and cost a ton to ship to Arizona.
 
#251 ·
I have to agree with that. She's being incredibly immature, and completely lacks empathy or remorse. Her's was an exit affair, but she changed her mind. Too painful for her to admit the things she did to her husband. It's much easier to blame him. She knows absolutely nothing about affair recovery or what her husband is going through. This man would be much better off leaving her. She's always going to blame her husband for her affair.



Been there done that. Wife had an affair during our 13th year of marriage, right in the middle of our adoption home study. Caught her by finding her chat log on our upstairs PC where she told him she was going to get a Brazilian wax and couldn't wait to take a picture and show him. Thing is, she said she was doing it for me.



About three months after DD day, she brought her work PC home and I found that logging was turned on for all IM conversations. So, I sat there and read every conversation they ever had over a 5 month period. Very raunchy, very demeaning to me, many personal attacks on my body and abilities. And as an added bonus, I got to read all the gushing conversations with her girlfriends the day after it was consumated. Got to hear how huge he was and that she almost passed out from so many orgasms in a row.



Made a copy and mailed them to his wife. Took up a whole copy paper box and cost a ton to ship to Arizona.


Your wife or your ex wife?

Start your own thread.


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