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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Maybe this is just what we needed?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-12-2011, 02:36 PM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

So she realized that she isn't as hot/desired as she thought to be and she is coming back to her second choice? The nice husband who was waiting on her eagerly?

The grass is greener syndrome. She checked out if she can find better men. If she had, she would have left. Now that she hasn't, she is back to her second choice husband. I think the consequence you should give her is divorce and find a woman who will treat you as first choice.

If you do want to work on the marriage, let her pay for the humiliation she put you through. Tell her that you will work on the marriage for a little while but proceed with the divorce unless she shows you a strong reason not to by the end of time period. She will have to be committed to the marriage this whole time. This will at least show you how remorseful she is, just not getting back with her safe/stable 2nd choice husband.
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Old 12-12-2011, 02:59 PM   #47 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

See what I mean,7777? She is supposedly trying to get back together, yet she is still lying to you. How are you ever going to trust her? In my opinion, she is not marriage material.
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:01 PM   #48 (permalink)
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So, she divorced you solely to sleep around with other men? WW is known to do some crazy things to alleviate the guilt, and in your W's case, a speedy divorce filing may have been it. So, in a grand scheme of things, this seems no different from cheating.

Geesh, your W is truly something. As truthful as she may appear now, I think she has probably minimized her sexcapade to lessen the embarassment.

We don't know your W as well as you do. If you think she is worth keeping after all this, then it is your call. The only advice I can give you is that you should not blindly trust her ever again. Keep vigilant from this point on. Since she has done this now, she is now likely to do this again any time she feels depressed or empty again in her marriage.
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:18 PM   #49 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

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As long as you're okay with the fact that she had all this setup so she could go out and cheat, more power to you. I will tell you this, if she is let back in with no consequences, it WILL happen again.
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How long until she gets curious again?
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:24 PM   #50 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

I feel like I should confront her on her lies and ask her if she is capable of ever being honest with me. OR are those white lies that I should let go?
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:27 PM   #51 (permalink)
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OMG, I wish this were easy, I wish she loved me as much as I love her.

I asked her if she smoked now and she said occasionally, I asked her if she would quit for me and she got very defensive saying that I was trying to control her and maybe this wasn't going to work. I have already changed a lot of things and committed to changing a lot of other things but she cant alter one small aspect of her life. I cant take this anymore. ffs
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:33 PM   #52 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

Do you feel special and proud that she is your wife?
Do you feel special and proud that your wife had no problem lying to you and seeking out dating sites and at the very least had sex with another man at least twice?
Do you feel special and proud that your wife had sex with another man a couple of times and claimed that it was all your fault?

I am sorry but you are in big time denial and her actions show she has very little respect for whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:35 PM   #53 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

You are only hearing my side and she would most likely tell it differently. She would say that I was controlling, distant, angry (and I was) That I interrogate her and don't let things go and don't give her the freedom to be her. (To me this is all about lying and wanting to cheat) I want to be honest here becouse I want to do the right thing.

I was all of those things before she seemed like she wanted someone else and maybe that's why. But she has also been lying to me since we were married 9 years ago.
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:36 PM   #54 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

either a troll or a very dumb man !!
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:37 PM   #55 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

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Originally Posted by bryanp View Post
Do you feel special and proud that she is your wife?
Do you feel special and proud that your wife had no problem lying to you and seeking out dating sites and at the very least had sex with another man at least twice?
Do you feel special and proud that your wife had sex with another man a couple of times and claimed that it was all your fault?

I am sorry but you are in big time denial and her actions show she has very little respect for whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
Yes, No, Not at all...
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:37 PM   #56 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

What exactly can't you take, confused7777? You can accept your wife having sex with another man, while she's still married to you. You can accept her version of reality, that you are controlling, mean, and the source of all her problems (while she somehow manages to slip off your chains of control long enough to be the one who files for divorce). Apparently, you can accept that she "really wants to be with me, right after she edits her facebook page." You're prepared to accept "never talking about how she went and had sex with another guy ever again" and make her suffer no repercussions for stepping outside your marriage. In other words, you're prepared for the NEXT time she wants to have sex with another man.

You have taken all this from her, and if that's how you choose to live your life, God Bless you. But the straw that breaks your camel's back is that she started smoking?
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:37 PM   #57 (permalink)
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OUCH, I'm not a troll. but I am not the brightest bulb on the tree...
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:39 PM   #58 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

Not that she started smoking but that she was upset that I asked her to change a little while I have to change a lot...
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:40 PM   #59 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

Confused,

Please stop - you are fooling yourself b/c you are scared, the kids, money, etc.

My STBXW sounds exactly like yours. She wanted a separation so she could explore the green grass. Trouble is, we're still MARRIED. SHE CHEATED. YOUR WIFE CHEATED. YOU"RE STILL MARRIED.

She's coming back b/c whatever she found wasn't as good as what she had. In the meantime, she crushed you. Humiliated you.

Are you willing to be 2nd best for the rest of your life? Are you willing to take her scraps?

You sound like a nice guy. you read No More Mr. Nice Guy? If not, read it ASAP.

Stand up. Man up. Move on.

Easier said then done, I know. I have 3 kids too. But I was in a similar spot as you a few months ago. I tried to play the nice guy - "let's R, "I want this to work," "You're my best friend," etc. IT DOESN'T WORK.

Your choice on how to proceed, but I beseech you to listen to those who have gone thru this already.
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:43 PM   #60 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

Quote:
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Not that she started smoking but that she was upset that I asked her to change a little while I have to change a lot...

You don't have to change. She already had told you she doesn't want you.

According to her, you suck (controlling, etc.)!

Listen closely to her words. Feel her actions - the betrayal, the lies, the BS.

WAKE UP!
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