Maybe this is just what we needed?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-10-2011, 11:35 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Maybe this is just what we needed?

My wife has kept things from me because I get angry when there are problems for quite some time. I've also known that she wanted to try someone else for the 'experience' so I had become controlling, not wanting her to go to clubs etc. She has since left me and we have filed for divorce 1 month ago. We have been intimate since.

Now she says she has slept with someone else but wants to come back to me and has no thoughts of anyone else anymore. Can I trust her? Is this something we needed to go through, we have been together for 16 years and have 3 children. As far as I know she has never been with anyone else and neither have I.

I don't know how to feel about it. I mean I expected it and I also expected here to come back to me. She was honest about it, but... Does this seem normal/natural?

Last edited by confused7777; 12-10-2011 at 07:50 PM.
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Old 12-10-2011, 11:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

I would recommend that you get a copy of the Married Man Sex Life Primer." I think it would answer your questions. You should also check out his blog:

Married Man Sex Life
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Old 12-10-2011, 01:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

This is a very difficult question, one of the most difficult I have seen on here.. My answer would be she has seen the other side and now realises how good you are she wont do it again. Since you have never been with anyone else you call this betrayal which it is. I think she is 'safe'. Since you say you dont know how to feel about it I think thats your answer. Otherwise you would know. Take her back.
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Old 12-10-2011, 01:39 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Red face Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

Thank you accept!

She is also saying that I drove her to it. Would I be out of bounds to tell her that I expect her to take ownership of what she did rather than make it seem as if I caused her to do it?
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Old 12-10-2011, 01:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

If you are going to take her back you have to agree not to mention it again or the causes for it. If you cant agree to that then dont!
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Old 12-10-2011, 01:42 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Old 12-10-2011, 05:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

Do I understand correctly? She slept with someone else? And she filed for divorce?

You have to make up your mind whether you want her back. This is a huge betrayal. You are completely justified if you were to ask her why you should even take her back. You need to make a big deal of this. If you do not take a stand that what she did was wrong, it will happen again.

You really need to think hard about what you want from the marriage. In other words, if you would imagine the perfect life with your wife, what would it look like. How would things be different from before she left? Then you need to tell her about that vision of the perfect situation. That is what you expect from her.

If you are able to write down on paper what your goals are for the marriage and then tell her exactly what you want, she will start to do those things for you. She cannot give you what you want if you cannot tell her.

Be prepared for her to argue and blame you and yell, etc etc. Be strong and stand up for what you want.

It sounds so basic. But many people do not get what they really want because they just don't ask for it.

Best regards and good luck.
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Old 12-10-2011, 06:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by confused7777 View Post
My wife has kept things from me because I get angry when there are problems for quite some time. I've also known that she wanted to try someone else for the 'experience' so I had become controlling, not wanting her to go to clubs etc. She has since left me and we have filed for divorce two months ago. We have been intimate since.

Now she says she has slept with someone else but wants to come back to me and has no thoughts of anyone else anymore. Can I trust her? Is this something we needed to go through, we have been together for 16 years and have 3 children. As far as I know she has never been with anyone else and neither have I.

I don't know how to feel about it. I mean I expected it and I also expected here to come back to me. She was honest about it, but... Does this seem normal/natural?
I have a difficult time believing she just wanted to go and **** somebody else for the experience. Even if it were true, I see her asking you for more experieneces in the future.
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Old 12-10-2011, 07:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

Did she sleep with someone else after you two filed for divorce? How long were you separated prior to filing?

C
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Old 12-10-2011, 07:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

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Originally Posted by confused7777 View Post
She is also saying that I drove her to it. Would I be out of bounds to tell her that I expect her to take ownership of what she did rather than make it seem as if I caused her to do it?
I do not see why people are being fooled by your wife here.

She wanted to have sex outside of marraige and you would not give her permission. She filed for divorce so that she could have sex with someone else. She did it in the belief that you would take her back afterward and she was right.

Until the divorce is final you were still marriage. She had sex with someone else while married to you. Just because she was open and up front about it does not make it right. She betrayed you and your marraige. You should not give her a free pass on this just because she was cold and calculating in planning it. She is clearly play you. Under her rules, anytime she wants to have sex outside of marriage she just has to pay a couple hundred bucks to file for divorce, have wild sex with whomever, and then drop the divorce and you are suppose to say nothing about it because she had filed for divorce. Marriage is not a game where you get time outs so that you can have sex with others.

Do not let her rug sweep this. If there is no remorse you should not take her back. You are officially a betrayed spouse. You should treat her accordingly. You have every right to bring this up as much as you want so that you can heal. It will in fact take years for you to heal if can you heal at all. Do not make believe otherwise, and no this is not just what your marraige needed.

This belongs in the Infidelity section.

Last edited by TRy; 12-10-2011 at 07:47 PM.
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Old 12-10-2011, 07:45 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

thank you for your responses. I am reading them all and trying to figure out just how I feel. We spoke in person tonight and she acted as if we were back together right away. This does not feel or seem remorseful.
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Old 12-10-2011, 07:48 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

PB separated for 3 months, filed for divorce one month ago. This happened twice with the same guy two weeks ago.
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Old 12-10-2011, 08:02 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by confused7777 View Post
thank you for your responses. I am reading them all and trying to figure out just how I feel. We spoke in person tonight and she acted as if we were back together right away. This does not feel or seem remorseful.
The part in red is what would concern me atm.
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Old 12-10-2011, 10:02 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe this is just what we needed?

Where is the remorse? And where exaclty is either the love or the compassion for you? Where is any respect for you?

What I read was a wife who wanted to cheat, you said no, so she walked out and began divorcing you.

She also cheaed several times. Now you ate what the fall back because the other guy wasn't good in bed?

Are you sure the OM wasn't actually in the picture before she left? Most often in these stories it comes out that they were already in a relationship and the rest is a coverup to mske it look like they met after she left you. I'd bet my own money that they already had something set up.

Unless she has an ambition to bethesda town tramp, no woman does what she has done.

The old marriage is done. She left and she deliberately cheated. It done.

So the question, is what is she offering to make it worth your while to give her a shot at dating you again? And do you even want to waste anymore of your life with someone who so callously dumps you?

And what about next time she gets the hankering for strange?

At a minimum finish the divorce and she can ask you for a date. If you eventually are her back, which I advise against, have a prenup in place that if she does anything like this again - she gets 10% of the family assets, and nothing else.

But honestly, before you even consider it, answer for yourself, and have her answer the question I started this post with.
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Old 12-10-2011, 10:07 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Thank you accept!

She is also saying that I drove her to it. Would I be out of bounds to tell her that I expect her to take ownership of what she did rather than make it seem as if I caused her to do it?
This is total BS. She coldly decided she wanted another guy instead of her own husband. She wanted to cheat on you.

And so if you said before you take her back you intend to have sex with another woman , the same number of times she cheated, what does she say?

Also, find who the OM is and track him down. Exposé to his wife is he is married. You also need this information because he will come looking for more from your wife, and you want to know everything you can so you can reconize it and stop it.
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