Where to go from here? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 08:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Where to go from here?

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Originally Posted by TDSC60 View Post
Your wife has and continues to lie to you.

Having secret email account and lying about it. Refusing to name the suspected OM. Both are her way of protecting herself and him. Both show no respect for you and your marriage.

Don't ever let her see you cry or beg for the truth. You already know the truth - she does not love nor respect you. You are Plan B. The babysitter. The ATM. The guy who fixes her car.

Now you need to figure out what you want to do for yourself and your children. Not for her.
Agreed, I do know the truth and i'm working on a plan for sure.

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post #17 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 08:32 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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She is off the drug completely. Her issues are internal for sure as she has some insecurities that she needs to resolve on her own. She is going to counseling which is a step in the right direction. I've called her out now for her unacceptable behavior. I just need to get to the point that I'm able to separate my emotions so that if she does any further wayward/questionable acts then I need to be ready to take action.
So how is that working for you?
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post #18 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 08:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Where to go from here?

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Better get strong quick. She's been lying and gas lighting you up the wazoo.

She has inappropriate contact with another man you confront get mad then let her kick you out of the house?

If you're smart you'll quit letting her lead you around by the nose. Being weak at this time will put you in worse shape. She has control over you and your marrige so you
Will get what she gives you.

Better wake up real quick.

Expose her friend to her husband. He's probably getting the same cheater treatment you're getting.

I doubt you know the tip of the iceberg. However, you'll want to swallow her lies because you don't want to believe the unbelievable.
I know that i'm weak and i'm working on that. I've been reading nmmng and mmsl primer. I understand that I have got to get better. I would expose her friend to her husband, but the problem is that he has a weapon and I don't want someone to lose their life. Also there are children involved. It's a really bad situation all the way around.
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post #19 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 08:45 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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I know that i'm weak and i'm working on that. I've been reading nmmng and mmsl primer. I understand that I have got to get better. I would expose her friend to her husband, but the problem is that he has a weapon and I don't want someone to lose their life. Also there are children involved. It's a really bad situation all the way around.


So it's better to keep the husband in the dark while his wife bangs another guy? And if he gets an STD or AIDS, your silence will help?

If it was the other way around, wouldn't you want to know? By taking this action you help the other husband AND yourself as your wife will know you are not a doormat anymore.

You are using the weapon as an excuse for inaction. Every household has enough "weapons".

This is in no way related to the med she was taking.
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post #20 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 08:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Where to go from here?

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KC,

What is it you want? That was painful to read because we have read this so many times. And like you, many of us have lived it. On both sides.

Your wife is a cheater.

Her basic personality won't change. She craves male attention and if left alone she will bang one or more of them, if she has not already.

Trust us. She won't stop.
I want my family to be whole. I'm working on me right now and the kids. I need to get stronger internally and not show any further weakness. I've been going to the gym and eating better. I'm not going to let Mrs. KC walk over me any longer. She's already in counseling and as long as she continues to show progress i'll try to support. However, i'm keeping eyes and ears open also gaining access to all her accounts again (*she changed passwords on me at a certain point and refused to give me the new password..terrible I know). I'll be seeking a lawyer soon as well just in case.
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post #21 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 08:47 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

You need to brace yourself for the possibility that your wife has had sex with many men, including some you've never found out about. The drug only served to exacerbate a personality flaw that she already had.

When a couple separates, the one who moves out should be the one texting pictures of her genitals, not the honest, responsible parent.

You should get yourself tested for STDs and have the children DNA tested to verify that they are really yours. You should do these things with your wife's knowledge so that she might begin to grasp the depths of her depravity.

You should speak with a divorce lawyer, at least so that you understand your rights. He can also draw up the papers. Even if you don't intend now to get a divorce, it sends a strong message to your wife about the seriousness of the situation. Right now, she thinks she can get away with murder and you'll just lie down and take it. The divorce process can be stopped at any time. If your wife decides to act like a Christian again, and agrees to undergo years of therapy, maybe she's a candidate for reconciliation. If not, I suggest you find yourself a Christian woman who actually practices Christianity. There are plenty of them out there, and you're young enough to find one.

Inform your wife's friend's husband about the friend's affair. It's only fair to him, and it will help kill the confidante support-system relationship your wife has with the toxic friend.
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post #22 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 08:56 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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Originally Posted by KrapChute View Post
I want my family to be whole. I'm working on me right now and the kids. I need to get stronger internally and not show any further weakness. I've been going to the gym and eating better. I'm not going to let Mrs. KC walk over me any longer. She's already in counseling and as long as she continues to show progress i'll try to support. However, i'm keeping eyes and ears open also gaining access to all her accounts again (*she changed passwords on me at a certain point and refused to give me the new password..terrible I know). I'll be seeking a lawyer soon as well just in case.


Ok. You are doing some things right. Focus on you and the kids.

But there is ONLY ONE reason she changed the password and won't give you the new one.

Not only is she continuing to cheat, but she doesn't even care about you sufficiently to hide it, such as by using a burner phone.
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post #23 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 09:02 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

That last update was difficult to read. To read your justifications for letting your wife walk all over you and see you accept her stories as even slightly possible makes me wince. Can someone really be that gullible.

Your wife is trolling for d!ck. That line about asking the guy if he's interested in her is an invite. First of all IF that guy really reached out to her for advice on how to handle his girlfriend not wanting to have sex, it was text book move that MM use to lure in MW. She knows it, which is why she's asking if he liked her. It was bullsh!t that she thought he was going to say no he liked her like a sister. They both new where this was heading. But to be honest, I believe it was your wife that searched him out. I would bet that they have already hooked up.

Her telling her girl friend that she's trying to lure this other guy, is her real feelings. I take it this guy is barely into your wife, so she's even more intrigued to reel him in. She wants space to be able to pursue a sexual affair without having to hide it. Which is why she said she wouldn't get mad if you were with another woman. Only a WW would say such a thing.

Being a Christian is more than going to church and reading a few devotionals but then turning around and living like the devil. You've described your wife and her friends as some lukewarm followers. The kind that get spit out.

Last edited by jsmart; 12-30-2016 at 09:23 PM.
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post #24 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 09:20 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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Originally Posted by KrapChute View Post
I know that i'm weak and i'm working on that. I've been reading nmmng and mmsl primer. I understand that I have got to get better. I would expose her friend to her husband, but the problem is that he has a weapon and I don't want someone to lose their life. Also there are children involved. It's a really bad situation all the way around.
Those 2 books are VERY helpful and I highly recommend them. But as a Christian, you should remember this verse: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

I also want to make sure you understand that we TAMers are NOT advocating you being a jerk or a tyrant. Sometimes it seems that some new posters think they have to be some macho man. That is not what's needed either. And yes go hit the gym HARD. Maybe getting your T levels up will help you.
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post #25 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 09:22 PM
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Where to go from here?

KC

The biggest mistake you can make right now is to leave this site. We are going to help you, but we will be relentless when you are showing weakness. If you can't stand it here, you won't be able to stand against your wife.

You will get advice from both betrayed and cheaters, guys and gals, depressed and not depressed.

You are not alone. We will stay with you. Those who leave normally fail to save the marriage, or they come back months later to say wife has left and moved in with other man.

No matter how much you hurt or are afraid, never show that to your wife.

Be strong. That's how you will get through this.

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post #26 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 09:43 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

I'm going to echo @blueinbr that you take advantage of this site. Though some of the post can hurt, they can hopefully get you out of the "betrayed fog."

Take sometime reading other threads. You spot a trend. The BHs that waffle around trying to nice their wife and play the pick me game get betrayed in the worse way. The BHs that spring into bold action, shock their wives out of the fog. These wives suddenly realize they're about to lose the better man. Where the weak husbands repel their wives right into the OM's bed.

Remember that a woman wants a strong confident man. Don't confuse what you as a man wants. Many times we men project what we want and think that women feel the same. You want a nice sweet woman that makes you feel like she needs you. Gives you a sense of purpose. To a woman those traits make you seem needy and are a turn off.
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post #27 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 09:44 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

I don't know how tricyclic antidepressants differ from SSRIs, but with SSRIs, they can lower inhibitions, lack of judgement, etc. Prozac has often been called the "divorce drug". I found this forum after my husband had slowly turned into a total jerk with several EAs. He'd changed SO much after we'd been married 20 yrs. While I was lurking and gathering the posts so I could join the private section, something happened that led me to realize everything we'd been going through started months after he'd started on Effexor (an SSRI) back in 2006. Thankfully he was open to withdrawing from the medication, VERY SLOWLY, so as not to cause other problems. When he was about 50% off the med, he could finally see what he'd been doing was wrong. He was embarrassed. He's totally changed back to my "old" husband now. When he was on the med, it was hard to reason with him. He could look the truth in its face and deny its existence. It was horrible. He said that even though he could tell "right from wrong" while on Effexor, he simply couldn't care and didn't see why I would. That med turned him into what I'd labelled a lying, apathetic alcoholic zombie. He couldn't even tell when he'd had too much to drink. The former "momma's boy" wouldn't even call his mom who was in a nursing home with terminal cancer the last year of her life. I could go on and on..... And yes, it WAS the med in his case. In a lot of cases: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...JoUjrTIWY/edit
That's from a website that was taken down, but luckily someone saved many of the relationship posts. If you are in a similar situation, check out surviving antidepressants . org
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post #28 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 09:49 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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Originally Posted by KrapChute View Post
I want my family to be whole. I'm working on me right now and the kids. I need to get stronger internally and not show any further weakness. I've been going to the gym and eating better. I'm not going to let Mrs. KC walk over me any longer. She's already in counseling and as long as she continues to show progress i'll try to support. However, i'm keeping eyes and ears open also gaining access to all her accounts again (*she changed passwords on me at a certain point and refused to give me the new password..terrible I know). I'll be seeking a lawyer soon as well just in case.
Everything that your wife has been saying and doing screams one thing...

"I want a divorce, but I want YOU to be the one to file for divorce."

And I can virtually guarantee the following:

1) Your wife has physically cheated on you, and probably w/ more than one guy.

2) Your wife is STILL cheating on you.

You can have whatever views or values w/ respect to marriage and divorce that you like -- your problem is that your wife CLEARLY doesn't share those views/values, and you're trying to force them down her throat.

Stop that.

Instead, accept that she is every inch the needy, insecure, attention-seeking, remorseless, serially-unfaithful slore that she's shown herself to be, and move on.

ETA: Between the witless counselor and the "Slores Club", I'd say you need to find another church.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #29 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 10:00 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

OP,
Your wife has the mentality of a 10-12 yo little girl. You believe that reason and logic can reach her? You are sadly mistaken. Your efforts will be utterly futile. The only way to handle her is to treat her like the child she is. You must become as a parent to her. Take her phone away, restrict her social media/computer access, know her whereabouts at all times and give her real punishment for disobedience. You are not dealing with an adult.

Many come here and are simply unable to comprehend how their wife, the mother of their children, the one who vowed "for better or worse" could possibly be doing the things they appear to be doing. It is really quite simple to understand. Do children often lie, break their promise and show little regard for doing so? They do because they have not yet developed the mental capability to fully grasp and understand adult concepts. Your wife is such an individual.

So then you are left with a very difficult decision to make. As the adult you must realize that this will be your life, more or less, from now on. So, do you want to be, for all intents and purposes, a husband/father figure? If not, then you really have little choice other than to let her become someone else's problem. Then you can find a mature woman to be wife and mother in your family. If you do wish to fill that unenviable role, then you must accept that, just like a grounded child, she will rebel wildly, label you as controlling and most likely leave.

However, if she does indeed stay and agree to follow your strict guidelines then you must understand that you will have to be forever vigilant in your efforts. Her agreeing to your guidelines will have no meaning to her, just as her marriage vows have no meaning, and you will need to be constantly monitoring her activities, her friends and her whereabouts. You must understand this going forward and be prepared to invest this amount of effort to make this "marriage" work. You now find yourself between the proverbial rock and hard place and I wish you good fortune, whatever you choose to do.
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post #30 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 10:48 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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OP,

Your wife has the mentality of a 10-12 yo little girl. You believe that reason and logic can reach her? You are sadly mistaken. Your efforts will be utterly futile. The only way to handle her is to treat her like the child she is. You must become as a parent to her. Take her phone away, restrict her social media/computer access, know her whereabouts at all times and give her real punishment for disobedience. You are not dealing with an adult.



Many come here and are simply unable to comprehend how their wife, the mother of their children, the one who vowed "for better or worse" could possibly be doing the things they appear to be doing. It is really quite simple to understand. Do children often lie, break their promise and show little regard for doing so? They do because they have not yet developed the mental capability to fully grasp and understand adult concepts. Your wife is such an individual.



So then you are left with a very difficult decision to make. As the adult you must realize that this will be your life, more or less, from now on. So, do you want to be, for all intents and purposes, a husband/father figure? If not, then you really have little choice other than to let her become someone else's problem. Then you can find a mature woman to be wife and mother in your family. If you do wish to fill that unenviable role, then you must accept that, just like a grounded child, she will rebel wildly, label you as controlling and most likely leave.



However, if she does indeed stay and agree to follow your strict guidelines then you must understand that you will have to be forever vigilant in your efforts. Her agreeing to your guidelines will have no meaning to her, just as her marriage vows have no meaning, and you will need to be constantly monitoring her activities, her friends and her whereabouts. You must understand this going forward and be prepared to invest this amount of effort to make this "marriage" work. You now find yourself between the proverbial rock and hard place and I wish you good fortune, whatever you choose to do.


His wife is not a child. She doesn't have any reduced mental capacity. She knows exactly what she is doing. She just doesn't give a fvck about OP.

It's that simple.
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