Where to go from here? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #31 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 11:21 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

Your WW is like a housewife gone wild. She's acting out, acting like a teenager to your sober, responsible adult.

I agree that you must stiffen your spine immediately if you want a chance of keeping the family together. Tell her in no uncertain terms what you expect of your adult wife and mother of your children.

Right now she is loving being the object of lust and desire for numerous men. You are just one of the crew and her ego is soaring. She doesn't believe you'll leave and your devotion feeds her ego trip.

Take yourself out of the competition. Tell her it's divorce unless she does what it takes to allow you at least a modicum of peace of mind: transparency, no contact with other men, full disclosure of all accounts/phones/activities, a timeline of her cheating, a polygraph if necessary.

Get tough now if you want to wake her up. She thinks you need her but she doesn't need you. She has another think coming, though. A SAHM who hasn't worked in a long time vs. a hard-working solid citizen. She needs you and she has to be shaken up so that she realizes her peril.

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post #32 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 08:11 AM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
His wife is not a child. She doesn't have any reduced mental capacity. She knows exactly what she is doing. She just doesn't give a fvck about OP.

It's that simple.
To say that she does not "give a fvck about OP" is to ignore the fact that she is a mother, a Christian and a member of society which would indicate that she also does not "give a fvck" about her children nor her God nor herself. She is also an AP which indicates she also "does not give a fvck" about the spouses/girlfriends of her APs. So then who does an adult, fully matured person "give a fvck about"?

Sadly, it is not that simple.

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post #33 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 09:52 AM
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Where to go from here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by NoChoice View Post
To say that she does not "give a fvck about OP" is to ignore the fact that she is a mother, a Christian and a member of society which would indicate that she also does not "give a fvck" about her children nor her God nor herself. She is also an AP which indicates she also "does not give a fvck" about the spouses/girlfriends of her APs. So then who does an adult, fully matured person "give a fvck about"?



Sadly, it is not that simple.


Fortunately NC, you don't think like a cheater.

Unfortunately many many adults just don't GAF about how they are hurting others. You call it lack of maturity. I call it lack of empathy. Same outcome.

But your referring to the cheater as a child appears to give the cheater an out. Children don't know right from wrong and need to be taught.

You don't divorce children. You divorce cheating adults who don't GAF about anyone but themselves.

Last edited by blueinbr; 12-31-2016 at 10:55 AM.
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post #34 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 10:16 AM
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Re: Where to go from here?

KC,

Stop making excuses for why you can't do this or can't do that.....accept the fact your wife has no respect for you, that your a doormat, your plan b and your cuckold....and accept it. Accept that move on....but don't make excuse....not for her not for yourself
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post #35 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 10:53 AM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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Sadly, although you were wrong to call her a ******, it turns out that she is one, and a royal one
at that.

and for the life of me, I cant understand these councelors that tell you to ignore huge
red flags.
Church counselor. Most (I didn't say ALL) advocate to save the marriage at all costs, circumstances be damned. Better to sweep it all away.

My story: After a night on the town with him, wife exchanged inappropriate texts with her former boss.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...-she-road.html
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post #36 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 11:06 AM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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It's apparent that I love my wife. I also don't believe in divorce because i'm a Christian. I want to work it out. I'm just tired of finding out about more things later on. Also, She said her church sisters are partly to blame for her lack of honesty as they told her not to reveal what happened because it would crush me. It made things a lot worse that's for sure. I told her that 100% honesty is always better than me finding out on my own. That lies are selfishness to prevent you from getting caught and nothing more.
You have two choices. Live life as a "Christian" and continue to be nothing more than an ATM machine for your wife, while she continues to see, date, flirt, lead-on any number of guys (frankly I lost count) on your dime. You think this is what God has in mind for you?

Or you can leave her. Be rid of this vile, vile woman who should have never gotten married in the first place. Be the best father you can be to your kid(s) and find someone worthy of your attention.

My story: After a night on the town with him, wife exchanged inappropriate texts with her former boss.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...-she-road.html
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post #37 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 11:17 AM
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Re: Where to go from here?

Scripturally, OP, you know you can divorce her without repercussion.

Please understand I am telling you this as a Christian:

Don't let your faith lead you to take actions that will continue to enable your WW to mistreat you.

If it were me, she would be served, exposure would be far and wide, and I would proceed full steam ahead with the divorce.

She is a serial cheat, and while God can forgive her, and you can forgive her, both can be done without her continuing to remain married.

The only thing worse than losing her is having to share her.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #38 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 12:08 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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Originally Posted by KrapChute View Post
I would expose her friend to her husband, but the problem is that he has a weapon and I don't want someone to lose their life. Also there are children involved. It's a really bad situation all the way around.
No, my man, what you're afraid of is your wife kicking your azz for reporting her friend. Face it Dawg, you don't have a clue about women, and are willing to accept whatever she dishes out so long as she doesn't ditch you. How do I know this? When a man sez, " I have to explain to my wife how she's violating reasonable boundaries and what men are really after", you know he's as ignorant as a sack of rocks about women.
Here's the thing. The woman told you she check out of the relationship with you months ago. The old, "I love you but" speech is womanese for, "I have no romantic interest in you" which is confirmed by her chasing other men. All your statements about how much you her, you don't believe in divorce, denials and downplaying her activities, et cetera, are worthless in respect to keeping her as loyal and faithful wife. The only thing that's gonna cause her to walk the line is how she feels about you. (and her words and actions shows there ain't a lot of mystery about that)

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #39 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 12:29 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
Fortunately NC, you don't think like a cheater.

Unfortunately many many adults just don't GAF about how they are hurting others. You call it lack of maturity. I call it lack of empathy. Same outcome.

But your referring to the cheater as a child appears to give the cheater an out. Children don't know right from wrong and need to be taught.

You don't divorce children. You divorce cheating adults who don't GAF about anyone but themselves.
I agree, I cannot think that way but is not empathy a trait that one develops as they mature? Also, I do not see it as giving them an"out" unless you consider having to be treated like a child, monitored in every way and reprimanded when they "disobey" as being favorable to living a life of self governance. I see their life as much more confining, controlled and chaotic. I do not see their lack of maturity as a "get out of jail free" but rather as a "go to jail go directly to jail do not pass go do not collect 200 dollars" where they will be forever subject to the jailer, never realizing responsibility and accountability and independence of thought.

In my opinion, their life is not their own in that they are like a jellyfish adrift in the ocean of life, forever subject to the eddies and currents, being unable to swim against the tide. As I see it, it is quite damning as they in fact have no "out" whatsoever and are condemned. They are pitiable and extremely dangerous to beings of cognizance especially when you become entangled in a relationship with one.

Whatever you choose to call it there is something fundamentally wrong with an individual who causes harm to their spouse, children, family and themselves. I deem it immaturity for to describe it as intentional implies an intent of unconscionable evil and no right thinking person of conscience could or would act in that manner. IMHO.

Peace and long life
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post #40 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 12:44 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

KC,

Unfortunately, for those that have been around this crap for a while, we see situations like yours where the BH is just too shell shocked and cannot get out of denial and paralysis to help themselves. I am afraid you are falling into being one of those guys and no amount of advice, most of it which will be the same in different words, will help you until you are in enough pain from her crapping all over you that you finally move out of your "fog". You are making excuses for her and now if I read it right will not expose her cheating girlfriend because you're making her husband out to be Al Capone. if you were not from USA you will not know who he was.

This will not end until you stop playing defense and play offense, starting with telling her she is taking a polygraph or you are done and meaning it. Un til she believes you are not going to sit there and take it, she has no reason to change.

I hope you stop playing ostrich and get mad. it will help get you out of this funk you are in.

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post #41 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 01:00 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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Originally Posted by KrapChute View Post
I know that i'm weak and i'm working on that. I've been reading nmmng and mmsl primer. I understand that I have got to get better. I would expose her friend to her husband, but the problem is that he has a weapon and I don't want someone to lose their life. Also there are children involved. It's a really bad situation all the way around.
I own multiple weapons. I go to the gun range often to let off steam. But I could never just go shoot someone because they make me mad. The other guy owning a weapon is just an excuse. Would you not want someone to tell you if they had solid proof that your wife is in a PA?

Anything that the guy does after finding out is not on you - it is on his wife for putting him in that situation.
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post #42 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 01:01 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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Originally Posted by NoChoice View Post

I deem it immaturity for to describe it as intentional implies an intent of unconscionable evil and no right thinking person of conscience could or would act in that manner. IMHO.


We need to write this off as the engineer being immature, and cut him a little slack
and put him back behind the controls.



-



If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #43 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 04:34 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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Originally Posted by KrapChute View Post
It's apparent that I love my wife. I also don't believe in divorce because i'm a Christian. I want to work it out. I'm just tired of finding out about more things later on. Also, She said her church sisters are partly to blame for her lack of honesty as they told her not to reveal what happened because it would crush me. It made things a lot worse that's for sure. I told her that 100% honesty is always better than me finding out on my own. That lies are selfishness to prevent you from getting caught and nothing more.
What's apparent is that you're dealing with infidelity in all the wrong ways. She tells you to leave the house - you leave the house. She tells you you have to stay in the guest room - you do so. She tells you to give her a few hours each night - you do it.

Barring mental illness, the ONLY way to deal with a cheating wife is swift, strong, ACTION. You must show TOTAL unwillingness to allow any further cheating under YOUR ROOF.

Christian men are supposed to lead their family. You are doing anything BUT leading your family. In fact, you're being led around by the nose. And it ain't attractive.

Psychologically, women MUST respect their man and, yes, even fear him a little. Not fear as in danger, but fear as in what if he gets angry?

You've been a doormat and every day you remain a doormat, her disgust for you - and desire for any man strong enough to try to take her from you grows.

You want her to quit cheating? Tell her she has one day to decide - you or him. And if she can't decide, see a lawyer the next day. You can always call off the divorce if she gets her head out of her butt. But she will NEVER stop cheating on you unless you say 'him or me.' Please trust me on this.
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post #44 of 74 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 08:16 PM
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post #45 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-01-2017, 12:32 AM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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Originally Posted by VladDracul View Post


We need to write this off as the engineer being immature, and cut him a little slack
and put him back behind the controls.



-


Write it off as immaturity, possibly but I fail to see why one would want to put a child back in the engineers seat, that does not seem prudent. Nor does it seem prudent to deny that the person responsible has exceeded their ability to deal with/control their situation. Again, call it immaturity, incompetence or what have you but the ultimate eventuality is that they are not prepared to handle their situation.
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