Where to go from here? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #46 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-01-2017, 12:06 AM
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Re: Where to go from here?

I think you need to spank your naughty nurse.

I'm actually quite serious.

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post #47 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-01-2017, 06:27 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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Originally Posted by KrapChute View Post
She is off the drug completely. Her issues are internal for sure as she has some insecurities that she needs to resolve on her own. She is going to counseling which is a step in the right direction. I've called her out now for her unacceptable behavior. I just need to get to the point that I'm able to separate my emotions so that if she does any further wayward/questionable acts then I need to be ready to take action.
You said - after you wrote this - that she changed her password on her phone. THAT IS WAYWARD ACTION. You need to tell her that, because of what she did, this is not acceptable and you REQUIRE access to her phone to verify she is not cheating.
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post #48 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-01-2017, 07:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Where to go from here?

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What's apparent is that you're dealing with infidelity in all the wrong ways. She tells you to leave the house - you leave the house. She tells you you have to stay in the guest room - you do so. She tells you to give her a few hours each night - you do it.

Barring mental illness, the ONLY way to deal with a cheating wife is swift, strong, ACTION. You must show TOTAL unwillingness to allow any further cheating under YOUR ROOF.

Christian men are supposed to lead their family. You are doing anything BUT leading your family. In fact, you're being led around by the nose. And it ain't attractive.

Psychologically, women MUST respect their man and, yes, even fear him a little. Not fear as in danger, but fear as in what if he gets angry?

You've been a doormat and every day you remain a doormat, her disgust for you - and desire for any man strong enough to try to take her from you grows.

You want her to quit cheating? Tell her she has one day to decide - you or him. And if she can't decide, see a lawyer the next day. You can always call off the divorce if she gets her head out of her butt. But she will NEVER stop cheating on you unless you say 'him or me.' Please trust me on this.
I agree that I have been the one that has been doing all the compromising and it isn't fair to me at all.

Update on the last 48hrs: Wife states that she's been debating on whether she should tell me about something pertaining to OM from last Dec. She reiterates that they never made contact physically which I do believe from the messages I found. I asked whether our family was in some sort of danger and she declined. She fears that this person brings drama wherever he goes (*no suprise there). She said she realizes that the biggest issues that she's had in life are dealing with men that she's lusted for. I remember a message that I saw between her and OM where she said "I've only felt this way about two other people in my life, how is it that I feel this way for you and i'm never around you"? I now realize that neither one of the other two people were me (*dagger).

We then get into a heated discussion about her continued lies and rug sweeping. She tries to reverse it on me saying that while she does take ownership of what she did, she says that the breakdown of the marriage isn't all on her. I'm super pissed at this point. She then states that she is looking for a place to live and tells me that we need to work together for the sake of the kids regardless of how things turn out? I look at her and say, WTH? I'm not going to just not take care of my kids, what are you talking about? She replies that I shouldn't act like a child by asking her for the credit/check cards back for our joint account(*the account that she never put money in, but has access to since she's been working...lol).

She says to me that she can't continue to live like this "with the arguing over these guys that have nothing to do with our lives now. Mrs KC says she's talked to an accountability partner who said that I should've gotten over it by now since nothing physically happened with OM" lol. I'm like really? The last time that one of them reached out to her is on Christmas...smh.

So Mrs. KC is looking for her own place now. I told her that's fine, that I can't stop her and she needs to do what she needs to do. I asked her what is this like a one/two month thing? She's says that she doesn't know.

Here's my plans:

1. Discuss visitation.
2. Remove wife from joint accounts.
3. Speak with a divorce lawyer to understand my rights and file.
4. Let her know that I want no further contact with her unless it's about the kids.
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post #49 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-01-2017, 07:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Where to go from here?

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You said - after you wrote this - that she changed her password on her phone. THAT IS WAYWARD ACTION. You need to tell her that, because of what she did, this is not acceptable and you REQUIRE access to her phone to verify she is not cheating.
Yeah I did mention that when it happened, but she said she did it because I kept going back to old emails when things were already over between her and the OM.

Am I wrong for bringing up the infidelity when something happens that reminds me of it? Like she'll say something that's on her mind about OM like when she found out he was still trying to contact her through the hidden account, but then I question why it was still open in the first place?

I don't talk about the OM for weeks, usually something stupid will happen where they reach out to her and she'll tell me about it, but get pissed and lets me know that she did the right thing by telling me, but then I give her grief because I caught her in a lie then I get blamed. I'm so confused...am I wrong here?
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post #50 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-01-2017, 08:02 PM
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Where to go from here?

Immediately remove 50% of the money from any savings and checking accounts to prevent her from draining them.

You cannot remove her name from joint credit card or check cards if she is a joint owner, not just authorized user, without her permission.

But open new account and have your paycheck put into that account only you access.

Call the credit card companies tell them you lost your cards. They will send you new cards and the old ones won't work. Don't give her the new card. Tell her to apply for her own cards.

But make sure all the normal bills are paid. See an attorney immediately.

Last edited by 225985; 01-01-2017 at 08:07 PM.
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post #51 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-01-2017, 08:12 PM
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Where to go from here?

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Yeah I did mention that when it happened, but she said she did it because I kept going back to old emails when things were already over between her and the OM.



Am I wrong for bringing up the infidelity when something happens that reminds me of it? Like she'll say something that's on her mind about OM like when she found out he was still trying to contact her through the hidden account, but then I question why it was still open in the first place?



I don't talk about the OM for weeks, usually something stupid will happen where they reach out to her and she'll tell me about it, but get pissed and lets me know that she did the right thing by telling me, but then I give her grief because I caught her in a lie then I get blamed. I'm so confused...am I wrong here?


None of that matters now. She wants her own place so she can bang other guys.

And she wants you to finance it by not cutting off her access to your money.

What a ****ing piece of work.

Btw, you are right. Those email accounts should have been closed. She WANTS to know they reach out to her because she will be ****ing them as soon as she moves out. Or before she moves out.

You should be in full divorce mode.
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post #52 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-01-2017, 08:28 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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How many BHs do we have that try to make their wife's betrayal something that was out of her control. She's not a child. She's a married mother that's decided she no longer wants to be married and instead wants to wh0re around like her friend.

Don't make excuses for her actions and definitely don't down play what she's done. You have to know that it is VERY likely that she's been banging this guy for months. The sending of nude pics is to tide the guy over until they next hook up.

The constant harping about the harsh comment is to divert the cause of the marital problems from her adultery to your "abuse." You can expect her to make accusations of you being controlling as well. According to the cheater handbook, unless the husband sticks his head in the sand and accepts blame for the state of the marriage, he's controlling and an abuser.

You need to get your ducks in a row. File for D, separate the finances, she needs to get a job ASAP. No wh0ring on your dime. Also since she's the one that betrayed the marriage and family, she gets to sleep in guess bed.

I advise you also to get tested for STDs. You don't know if they're been more than one OM. Even if it was just one, you need to get checked. WW in long marriages with kids, tend to gravitate to the biggest womanizers and get VERY wanton in order to try to keep him. They're like teen girls going for the middle age equivalent of the bad boy.
This is one of the best comments I've seen in response to a cheating, lying spouse. Really well said.

I don't see your wife OP, as really being remotely remorseful...sounds like she's using you as she continues to use other men, for other reasons. She's a hot mess...hope you choose to put yourself and kids first, and get out of the marriage.

Sorry you're in this situation.
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post #53 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 12:38 AM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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Originally Posted by KrapChute View Post
Yeah I did mention that when it happened, but she said she did it because I kept going back to old emails when things were already over between her and the OM.

Am I wrong for bringing up the infidelity when something happens that reminds me of it? Like she'll say something that's on her mind about OM like when she found out he was still trying to contact her through the hidden account, but then I question why it was still open in the first place?

I don't talk about the OM for weeks, usually something stupid will happen where they reach out to her and she'll tell me about it, but get pissed and lets me know that she did the right thing by telling me, but then I give her grief because I caught her in a lie then I get blamed. I'm so confused...am I wrong here?
Dude any rational person would tell you to RUN, as everyone on here has been telling you to do. Go get some help because you are allowing this woman to bully you in a terrible way. This shows that something is wrong in you. Seriously even if you do divorce like you should, you need to be stronger before you will ever be in a healthy relationship with anyone. People like your SO pick people like you because they know they can bully you and you will essentially bankroll their lifestyle. She is a parasite and you are the host. It really is that simple. She probably has some form of personality disorder, but you are also not healthy because you continue to enable her to abuse you by your fear and inaction. The fact that she has been entirely evil to you and you are still asking on here is it OK to stand up for yourself shows this. All your wife does is bring you pain but you are too scared to eject her from your life. Why???!

You will continue to attract women like her because they can smell your weakness, it's in abusers nature, but right now it is also in yours. Seriously first divorce her and second figure out why you allowed her to treat you so badly and continued to make excuses for her. This is not love it's codependency.

Sadly she has probably always been cheating on you, I would DNA my kids, and tell the whole world about her so at least it will be harder for her to pick up some other poor slub. Fight back G-damit! If not for you do it to protect your kids, start acting like their father and protect them from this!

Last edited by sokillme; 01-02-2017 at 12:47 AM.
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post #54 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 08:22 AM
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Re: Where to go from here?

OP,
I have made comments that seem to be completely misunderstood regarding the mental maturity of your W and cheaters in general. I seem to be having difficulty relaying my point. I will try again because I feel it is important you understand this. Your W does not process information like you do. What do you think about when you see another woman? I dare say that your thoughts are benign and transient. YOU realize that the other woman holds no magical power to make your life one of rainbows and unicorns. She has nothing to offer you for YOU know what it means to be content.

Your W does not think this way. She sees this attention as something she "needs". She is so lacking in self confidence, so unsure of what she is as a person that she "needs" this constant validation in order to feel that she has worth. What she DOES NOT process is that this attention is not only superficial and fleeting but is also destroying her marriage and family. She is responding to you very much like your daughter will ( if you have a daughter, I do not recall) when she becomes a teenager and you attempt to curtail her "fun". Even though you, as a parent, know better than she what is ultimately good for her in the long run, she cannot see that and is only concerned about the here and now and neither can your W.

What is best for her children, long term, her marriage, long term and even her, long term is beyond her ability to compute. She wants the here and now gratification of what that greener grass has to offer. Thinking of her this way is in no way giving her an "out" or a "pass" to behave as she wants, it is merely the reality of your situation.

The only way to treat a child is like a child. Reason, logic and rationale have no place in her thought processes and therefore cannot be utilized by you as tools to affect change. As is evidenced by her statement of you tweo needing to work together for the children, as if you were going to abandon your offspring. In reality it is her she fears you will "abandon".

My point is that if you want to keep this "marriage" then you will have to adopt the role of spouse/authority figure. You will have to make decisions for her since her immature mind cannot make them. This is a very unenviable situation to be in, I know as I share your plight, as do many here. She will rebel and accuse you of being controlling and when you respond by telling her that she is acting more like a hormone driven teenager than a wife and mother, you will then be called unreasonable, delusional and a host of other names. You will be a hindrance to her quest for "fun" and "pleasure".

The bottom line is that she is not mature enough mentally to understand that her behavior is self destructive any more than your daughter will see it when her teenage years come. She wants exactly what your daughter will want and that is to live in your house, with all of the benefits and comfort of same but without having to abide by any rules. She wants the security of being "kept" AND the freedom of being totally independent and answering to no one. So what I am saying is not to allow her her no strings attached freedom, quite the contrary. I am suggesting that you act as guardian, limiting or eliminating her computer time, taking away her phone and access to your finances, monitoring her friends and activities and limiting as necessary, in other words be her dad.

If some here see this as giving her an "out" then I am powerless to explain it further. The simple fact is that she is not mentally prepared to be in an adult relationship so it is therefore up to YOU to take control for the sake of your family. This is an exceedingly difficult position to be in and I would consider carefully whether or not you are up to the challenge or if you even want to be. Your family would most likely glean more benefit from a mature female figure in your marriage than they will be able to from her but there are many other factors to consider. A difficult dilemma indeed.

Peace and long life
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post #55 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 08:45 AM
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Where to go from here?

She just gets a dopamine rush when a guy chases after her. It feels GREAT. And she wants more. It adds excitement to her life. Makes her feel alive. Important. It is a need she is getting filled.

It's that simple.

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post #56 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: Where to go from here?

WARNING: The 180 is NOT a manipulation tool to make your spouse end his/her affair and commit to do the work of marital recovery, IT IS an emotional empowerment tool to help you become emotionally strong so that you can move on with your life - with or without your spouse. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive.

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW.
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post #57 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 09:49 AM
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Re: Where to go from here?

What does her family say about her behavior? If they do not know it is way past time to tell them.

Past time to tell her friend's husband about her affair. As a matter of fact, tell him about his wife and your wife's affair.

In order to work on your marriage you have to break up the affairs. The way to break up affairs is to let family and friends know what is going on. If they are willing to have affairs they have to have the courage to wear their actions.

The upside to not doing the right things when your wife is doing the wrong things is that it will surely lead to divorce. You need to learn MMSLP and find a worthy woman.
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post #58 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 09:56 AM
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Re: Where to go from here?

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Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
Immediately remove 50% of the money from any savings and checking accounts to prevent her from draining them.

You cannot remove her name from joint credit card or check cards if she is a joint owner, not just authorized user, without her permission.

But open new account and have your paycheck put into that account only you access.

Call the credit card companies tell them you lost your cards. They will send you new cards and the old ones won't work. Don't give her the new card. Tell her to apply for her own cards.

But make sure all the normal bills are paid. See an attorney immediately.
Make sure your new account is in a new bank to keep them from linking the accounts.

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Your marriage reminds me of a guy dragging a dead whale across the beach.
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post #59 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 11:08 AM
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Re: Where to go from here?

At this point, you tell her you're free to leave but the kids stay in THEIR HOME, with you. If she wants to stay with her kids, she will:
Cease all communication with all other men
Hand over her electronics whenever you ask so you can verify she has ceased communication
Attend therapy for as long as you need
Remove this 'accountability partner' from her life

IF she refuses to do these things, you'll help her pack.

You have GOT to start acting like a strong man. If you don't, you will find yourself removed from your own home, some other man living there with YOUR kids, paying for her to have another man there, and in debt for the rest of your life.
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post #60 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 03:24 PM
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Re: Where to go from here?

As @225985 said - get 50% of the money out of the joint bank accounts now and open another account in your name only. Have paycheck go into this new account only. Any bills you are responsible for, get those linked to the new account as well.

Leave her with the old account.

Follow blue's advice on the credit cards too. Now that she knows you want to separate finances, she's going to want to go on a shopping spree to furnish her new love nest errrr apartment.

My story: After a night on the town with him, wife exchanged inappropriate texts with her former boss.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...-she-road.html
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