Where to go from here? - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 223Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #61 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 11:53 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Warm in the summer, cold in the winter
Posts: 2,094
Re: Where to go from here?

Krapchute

Out of all your posts about what your wife has said and done, I will point out the one truth she said, "I've checked out of this marriage". As a Christian man myself, @ farsidejunky was correct, you know you can divorce. Your wife doesn't want a marriage, my advice is give her just that, a divorce.


Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
drifting on is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #62 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 02:07 AM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: California
Posts: 23
Re: Where to go from here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Nurses....


Hey now, I take offense to that lol! She is not the poster girl for nurses --naughty nurses maybe but not the majority
KaraBoo0723 is online now  
post #63 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 02:28 AM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,093
Listen to NoChoice. He is spot on a lot IMHO.

Pretty much everything your wife is doing, my wife did to me and other cheaters have done to thier marriages. They think the affair is special... When it's not.

Read: not just friends by Shirley Glass. Your wife should to... If you want her back.
TaDor is offline  
 
post #64 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 05:24 AM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,093
In OP's 2nd post. He said "I won't divorce because I'm a Christan" and "her church friends have told her to not tell OP everything."

Sigh. Being a Christian doesn't mean a thing. So many think that makes you/anyone above the fray. Cheaters are cheaters no matter religion, color, wealth, whatever. As you see, her Christian Church friends didn't shame her for her actions... Seems they are helping or at least supporting her... Maybe sharing affair stories.

For the year, she seems to not care. Why bother, because of the church she can have EA/PA all she wants and the OP will stay and get more miserable. But eventually some one is going to hit a breaking point.

That is a long year of nonstop lies. The MC nore she seems to be doing enough. Your b wife doesn't care about what she is doing to you or the kids. Perhaps get her the book: how to help your spouse heal from an affair.

You should consider divorce... She isn't respecting you are anyone's values.
TaDor is offline  
post #65 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 09:10 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 10
Re: Where to go from here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
In OP's 2nd post. He said "I won't divorce because I'm a Christan" and "her church friends have told her to not tell OP everything."

Sigh. Being a Christian doesn't mean a thing. So many think that makes you/anyone above the fray. Cheaters are cheaters no matter religion, color, wealth, whatever. As you see, her Christian Church friends didn't shame her for her actions... Seems they are helping or at least supporting her... Maybe sharing affair stories.

For the year, she seems to not care. Why bother, because of the church she can have EA/PA all she wants and the OP will stay and get more miserable. But eventually some one is going to hit a breaking point.

That is a long year of nonstop lies. The MC nore she seems to be doing enough. Your b wife doesn't care about what she is doing to you or the kids. Perhaps get her the book: how to help your spouse heal from an affair.

You should consider divorce... She isn't respecting you are anyone's values.
TaDor: I see what you're saying however I must be clear that her church sisters were not in support of what she was doing. They told her that she needed to end this EA and that this new person was not a friend to her in ANY way. Also that anyone who is not for your marriage is against it and needs to be removed from her life. They kept her lifted in prayer and have been there for her when she needed someone because she was very weak. Almost like all of you guys are trying to be there for me. Like I said before "I agree that the decision from her sisters to not say anything was a terrible choice, but one that she would've made without their input anyway."

Update: Lately the family is really sick. Definitely some nasty bug going around so I've been trying to take care of them the best that I can. Had a discussion with Mrs. KC and told her straight up I'm not going to be second to any man in my house any longer. If anything happens with any man from here on out i'm going to divorce period. I have access to all accounts that i'm aware of. I told her that i'm bitter and i'm almost at the point that I hate her. She assures me that I have nothing to worry about with any men from here on out. I laugh. She says she's going through a lot right now, having anxiety and fear of what this other man will do to her reputation. The fact that she did let the OM go and that because of her mistake she's still dealing with it even though she has no further contact with him since last Apr. She continues that for the past few days she feels that she almost wants to be done with men period..even me.

Mrs KC has moved out from the bedroom to her office(*separate room). We're just cordial to each other just discussing the kids. Feels really weird being this way with the wife, but I know that I have to just work on myself now. Going to search lawyers today.
KrapChute is offline  
post #66 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 11:47 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Warm in the summer, cold in the winter
Posts: 2,094
Re: Where to go from here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by KrapChute View Post
TaDor: I see what you're saying however I must be clear that her church sisters were not in support of what she was doing. They told her that she needed to end this EA and that this new person was not a friend to her in ANY way. Also that anyone who is not for your marriage is against it and needs to be removed from her life. They kept her lifted in prayer and have been there for her when she needed someone because she was very weak. Almost like all of you guys are trying to be there for me. Like I said before "I agree that the decision from her sisters to not say anything was a terrible choice, but one that she would've made without their input anyway."

Update: Lately the family is really sick. Definitely some nasty bug going around so I've been trying to take care of them the best that I can. Had a discussion with Mrs. KC and told her straight up I'm not going to be second to any man in my house any longer. If anything happens with any man from here on out i'm going to divorce period. I have access to all accounts that i'm aware of. I told her that i'm bitter and i'm almost at the point that I hate her. She assures me that I have nothing to worry about with any men from here on out. I laugh. She says she's going through a lot right now, having anxiety and fear of what this other man will do to her reputation. The fact that she did let the OM go and that because of her mistake she's still dealing with it even though she has no further contact with him since last Apr. She continues that for the past few days she feels that she almost wants to be done with men period..even me.

Mrs KC has moved out from the bedroom to her office(*separate room). We're just cordial to each other just discussing the kids. Feels really weird being this way with the wife, but I know that I have to just work on myself now. Going to search lawyers today.


She has assured you with words before, correct? How did that work out?? Tell her you need actions, you need the truth, and you need to know all. As soon as she balks hand her divorce papers you printed out from your counties court website.

The Christian matter, the bible says you are free to divorce if adultery is committed. It happened, now go tell the church sisters to preach the bible and not their opinions.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.

Last edited by drifting on; 01-03-2017 at 11:48 AM. Reason: Spelling
drifting on is offline  
post #67 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 05:05 PM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,093
Re: Where to go from here?

Thanks for the clarification about the church ladies.

The 2nd paragraph is a step in the right direction... but she is so wishy-washy.
There are different thoughts on therapy. Something our MC brought up when I talked about going to IC was that: ICs aren't shouldn't to be involved with relationship matters when the patient is also doing MC. He had to coordinate with my IC (which I didn't need much anymore anyway)

Reason? The IC's work with the patient and may not have the full picture... and may help break up a marriage. "My husband is a jerk" - IC: okay, then you should leave him. My wayward told me her IC told her "you are not in a fog, you should leave" but that turned out to be a lie that she later admitted.

Her moving out of the home is for freedom to bang other guyS without complaints from you. She doesn't care for you at this time, and its unknown if she ever will. Either way - if you guys split up - DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. She broke the family, she gets to move.

How long have you two been going to MC? If its over 6 months and no real improvement from her... then it seems a waste of time.

What books are the both of you reading? Your ages? When did you get married and how long again?

She may have checked out a long time ago.

What you are going through, sucks. We know.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
post #68 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 09:41 PM
Member
 
jsmart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,003
Re: Where to go from here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by KrapChute View Post
Update: Had a discussion with Mrs. KC and told her straight up I'm not going to be second to any man in my house any longer. If anything happens with any man from here on out i'm going to divorce period. I have access to all accounts that i'm aware of. I told her that i'm bitter and i'm almost at the point that I hate her. She assures me that I have nothing to worry about with any men from here on out. I laugh. She says she's going through a lot right now, having anxiety and fear of what this other man will do to her reputation. The fact that she did let the OM go and that because of her mistake she's still dealing with it even though she has no further contact with him since last Apr. She continues that for the past few days she feels that she almost wants to be done with men period..even me.

Mrs KC has moved out from the bedroom to her office(*separate room). We're just cordial to each other just discussing the kids. Feels really weird being this way with the wife, but I know that I have to just work on myself now. Going to search lawyers today.
Did she move out of the marital bed because you kicked her out or is she wanting to avoid being intimate with you? I hope it's because you're imposing consequences but I'm thinking she went willingly to avoid being close to you. It's a perfect cover for avoiding intimacy.

Though painful to think off, you must know that the probability is VERY HIGH that she was sexually intimate with at least one of these guys. That talk of wanting to be done with all men, including you, her husband and the father of her kids, is not what a remorseful WW would say. That's sounds like a WW creating a reason to avoid you intimately so she can remain loyal to her "lover."
jsmart is offline  
post #69 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 04:04 PM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,093
Re: Where to go from here?

Same here... when things got very stressful on D-Day, my wayward said "I'm not choosing either of you" - which of course meant she is choosing to break up the family and OF course, it means she *did* choose the POSOM.

Moving out of the main bedroom (vs. being kicked out) is to get away, etc.

Stay the course KrapChute. Start Divorce, hit her with the 2X4 - she is *SO WORRIED about him damaging her reputation?" uh, that would be MOSTLY on HER than anyone else. ALL she had to do was block him, tell him NC... and of course file a restraining order against him or at least threaten to.

So yeah, expose her to her family and such... but, as they say - there maybe a tactic to doing so if you do it. May knock her out of her fog (But she seems oddly into more than one guy - so I think she wants to be a slot and bang a lot of guys. Hence I was asking your ages and such. Like were you both virgins/only sexual partners? - She maybe getting older and wants to experience other guys - wants to know those "What If" things that waywards do).

When I exposed, I did it to keep her from telling lies "We simply broke up" and to push her away and NEVER take her back. I even posted it "I WILL NEVER take her sorry cheating butt @#*(&(#$&@ back - ever"... and threw her out of my home.

Hence, the older members here say: Divorce. File first and get the ball rolling. No way to live in such a marriage as well as one of the ways to knock a wayward in the gut and maybe bust a hole in the wayward's bubble. Affairs LIVE and thrive in secrecy.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
post #70 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 10:33 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 10
Re: Where to go from here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
Thanks for the clarification about the church ladies.

The 2nd paragraph is a step in the right direction... but she is so wishy-washy.
There are different thoughts on therapy. Something our MC brought up when I talked about going to IC was that: ICs aren't shouldn't to be involved with relationship matters when the patient is also doing MC. He had to coordinate with my IC (which I didn't need much anymore anyway)

Reason? The IC's work with the patient and may not have the full picture... and may help break up a marriage. "My husband is a jerk" - IC: okay, then you should leave him. My wayward told me her IC told her "you are not in a fog, you should leave" but that turned out to be a lie that she later admitted.

Her moving out of the home is for freedom to bang other guyS without complaints from you. She doesn't care for you at this time, and its unknown if she ever will. Either way - if you guys split up - DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. She broke the family, she gets to move.

How long have you two been going to MC? If its over 6 months and no real improvement from her... then it seems a waste of time.

What books are the both of you reading? Your ages? When did you get married and how long again?

She may have checked out a long time ago

What you are going through, sucks. We know.
I'm back. I've been doing really horrible this week. Family has been pretty sick. There's definitely some bug going around. So to answer your questions Tador. We've been going to MC off and on since Mar 16. When I say off and on I really mean few and far between.

She has been reading one of my favorite books which is "The Power of Now" and i'm currently reading MMSL Primer. We're both 39 and we've been married since 2009 so we just hit 8 years.

She has checked out and has told me on many occasions.

(Update): Since the new year and my re-dedication to myself, I told you guys that she has now moved to her office and i'm trying to focus on me and the kids. Since she and the kids were sick I did try to take care of them and let her sleep in the bedroom (*I know that I was being nice again). However, today I officially put her out of the room and told her that she can no longer be in here. She keeps continuing to ask why I was being so pushy to get her out. I told her that "nothings changed" I told her that I don't want any further drama and I need to focus on me. I then added that this needs to happen, I can no longer be second to someone else, that I deserve a wife who isn't going to entertain other men, that I'm tired of the lies and the deceit. She of course said, "I'm not talking to anyone else now. I've told you that because i'm not able to properly discern if a person is just being nice or if there's a hidden motive i'm just scared to even talk to someone now." I told her that you need to pray about discernment, but truthfully a big problem is your need for attention. She agreed. She says okay "so you're saying that the reason your kicking me out is because you're not sure how long these changes will last?" I said well that's part of it and I need to just be away from the drama so I can focus. Before heading out, she goes well just so you know, since I am your wife whenever you want this I will do my wifely duty and give it to you. I'm like really? Sounds like you're giving it to me for pity. Like "if I must I guess I'll do it". I just told her no thanks.

Still haven't found a suitable divorce lawyer yet. Will update again soon.

KrapChute is offline  
post #71 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 11:29 PM
Member
 
Mr Blunt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,490
Re: Where to go from here?

Quote:
Since the new year and my re-dedication to myself, I told you guys that she has now moved to her office and i'm trying to focus on me and the kids

I told her that "nothings changed" I told her that I don't want any further drama and I need to focus on me. I then added that this needs to happen, I can no longer be second to someone else, that I deserve a wife who isn't going to entertain other men, that I'm tired of the lies and the deceit
you're not sure how long these changes will last?" I said well that's part of it and I need to just be away from the drama so I can focus.

Krapchute
You are very wise and know exactly what you have to do as you have described in bold above.. You will be tempted to derail yourself from your goals as you weaken from time to time but be determined to get back on tract. You are now in the jungle kingdom and only the strong survive. You have to be determined and fight for your emotional life for a long time. You can be a LOT better if you are successful in building yourself up in every way. The pain that you have will lessen a LOT in time and you can become very contented again.

The marriage that you have is very damaging to you and you have been severely disrespected and need to remind yourself that you must not let her ever get you off tract because you have to become much stronger for you and your children
Mr Blunt is offline  
post #72 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 06:33 AM
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,131
Re: Where to go from here?

She's is not remorseful. Not one tiny bit. The only reason she doesn't want to divorce is that she doesn't want her public image tarnished.

Do not be her third or fourth choice. She has made it clear by her actions and words that she no longer lives you. End this marriage and move on to a woman who will love you and be the partner you need.
bandit.45 is online now  
post #73 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 07:03 AM
Member
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,178
Re: Where to go from here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by KrapChute View Post
I'm back. I've been doing really horrible this week. Family has been pretty sick. There's definitely some bug going around. So to answer your questions Tador. We've been going to MC off and on since Mar 16. When I say off and on I really mean few and far between.

She has been reading one of my favorite books which is "The Power of Now" and i'm currently reading MMSL Primer. We're both 39 and we've been married since 2009 so we just hit 8 years.

She has checked out and has told me on many occasions.

(Update): Since the new year and my re-dedication to myself, I told you guys that she has now moved to her office and i'm trying to focus on me and the kids. Since she and the kids were sick I did try to take care of them and let her sleep in the bedroom (*I know that I was being nice again). However, today I officially put her out of the room and told her that she can no longer be in here. She keeps continuing to ask why I was being so pushy to get her out. I told her that "nothings changed" I told her that I don't want any further drama and I need to focus on me. I then added that this needs to happen, I can no longer be second to someone else, that I deserve a wife who isn't going to entertain other men, that I'm tired of the lies and the deceit. She of course said, "I'm not talking to anyone else now. I've told you that because i'm not able to properly discern if a person is just being nice or if there's a hidden motive i'm just scared to even talk to someone now." I told her that you need to pray about discernment, but truthfully a big problem is your need for attention. She agreed. She says okay "so you're saying that the reason your kicking me out is because you're not sure how long these changes will last?" I said well that's part of it and I need to just be away from the drama so I can focus. Before heading out, she goes well just so you know, since I am your wife whenever you want this I will do my wifely duty and give it to you. I'm like really? Sounds like you're giving it to me for pity. Like "if I must I guess I'll do it". I just told her no thanks.

Still haven't found a suitable divorce lawyer yet. Will update again soon.
I'm going to give your wife a very slight benefit of the doubt here, slight. She's incredibly emotionally immature. Only emotionally immature women truly have blurred boundaries with opposite sex "friends." I was once one of them a long time ago.

Being fawned over gives her a grandiose sense of self, but it's fake.

Unfortunately ,you can't threaten or scare an emotionally immature woman into maturity. She has to get there on her own merit or the lesson don't be genuine. She may never get there. You can't live your life hoping that maybe she'll get there some day. It requires a LOT of introspection and humility. I'm not really seeing either.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #74 of 74 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 04:23 AM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,093
Re: Where to go from here?

You both should be reading books on cheating and getting a better MC - IF you want to go that route.

Maybe, ask her "If you want to be a wife, then YOU must work for the marriage". That hurting YOU is no longer acceptable.

If there is anything about you that wants to try/give her a bit of a chance:
Get your wife this book to read: https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spo...the+Unfaithful

Its a short read, a few hours. It talks to the mind of a cheater. For my wayward, it seemed to knock a lot of the fog out of her... *IT IS NOT INSTANT*

This book is for you, and her... doesn't matter which way it goes. You start reading it first. Have two bookmarks or buy two copies. (I bought a 2nd copy as its 450 pages). https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Frie...t+just+friends

It can help your marriage heal or help YOU heal and your future relationships.

Again, your MC didn't seem good.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome