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Where to go from here?

22K views 73 replies 31 participants last post by  TaDor 
#1 ·
First time poster and have been lurking for about 10 months off and on. Of course by the name of the forum I'm sure you can guess why I'm here. I tend to ramble on so I'll try to keep this short and straight to the point as best I can only going into detail as required. Sorry for the lengthy story in advance.

Background: Husband and father of 2. Been married for almost 8 years as our anniversary is coming up in a few days. Been together for 10.

My story: Helped wife through nursing school from 2013 - 2015. During the latter half of the final semester she started taking a drug called Amitriptyline in order to help her stay focused and deal with depression. Didn't truly notice a difference in her behavior until two months later. She was always staying up late on social media, irritable, seemed anxious, increased sexual frenquency/desire. She also mentioned something about a guy at her school who tried to talk to her in a romantic way. I asked if she still had contact with him and was she okay. She said no and yes respectively (these were lies, but more on this later).

As I mentioned, by this time I realized things weren't quite right. Since I'm an IT guy, she had a problem with her iPhone where she thought she had a virus and asked me to look at it. Curiosity had gotten the better of me as I checked through her messages. Found a message from someone who I thought she stopped talking to (*Not the same person who was described earlier). The message said that she had nice breasts in which she replied thank you. This person was someone from her past that never got with her or anything, but wasn't respectful when it came to conversation. I asked her to stop talking to the person before we got married. This started a serious argument with me getting loud and calling her a *****. Our kids were in the next room. Both of our doors were closed, but she claimed that I did it in front of them. I apologized immediately, but by that time she immediately said that she had been thinking for a while that we should separate. I was floored and shocked. I didn't know where that came from. That night I left and stayed with a friend for a couple days.

I kept trying to reach out and let her know how sorry I was. She let me back in the house on the condition that I would stay in the guestroom for a month. I agreed and told her that I would do my best to keep my anger in check and not yell at her.

Strange occurrences and red flag period: One night, I came home from work and she was crying. She said that a friend online sent her a genital pic and was shocked as to why he would do that. I told her that he's a terrible friend and that she should block him because true friends don't do things like that. The following day, she told me that she sent the picture to his girlfriend and told her to tell him to stop sending genital pics. I was like well that's good that she did that, but was also scratching my head as to why she was crying over a friend that did this to her whom she wasn't that close to anyway. Another situation that occurred was a car with dark tints was following her that day. She asked if I could see her through her tinted windows and what kind of car does my ex drive (*this was a cover, but again more on this later).

She went to hangout with some girlfriends from church. She said they were all going around telling updates on their lives. When her turn came she talked about the guy from her school. Apparently this guy affected her in a way that planted a seed which was really bothering her. They talked about that situation most of the night. I asked questions like what was the guys name, are they friends online and do they continue to communicate? She wouldn't tell me the guys name, but did say that they were not friends online and again no longer communicated. Days later we went out for a drive and during the drive she mentioned that since we were separated we should date other people. And at one point even half jokingly said that if I happened to have sex with someone that she couldn't be mad about it (*deep gut wrenching feeling came over me). I was like why would I even consider that when we're married? She's like "well it's true."

We started going to a church counselor. During the meeting I mentioned that I felt that my wife was exhibiting signs of an affair to which she quickly denied. I was keeping a very detailed journal throughout the year which is something that I've never done before. I told the counselor about some of the things that happened above. The counselor told me that should be the end of it as I had no real proof. The text message that I found was just from a friend that the counselor agreed should no longer be in the picture. Also the statements about dating/sexing other people were alarming and that we needed to give it our all if we wanted this marriage to survive. She expressed how she couldn't get over me calling her a ***** in front of our kids. We agreed to work it out.

We continued on and during this time, I had a friend who was helping me get through the ups and downs. He's a family friend from church which I would later regret(in a way) telling since our wives were friends. However, because of him I started taking a look at the Amitriptyline side effects. The two side effects that stuck out were (unusual behavior and hypomania). I sent her the info that I found and she started weaning herself off of it.

D-day: While there were many red flags, I was in denial. I didn't want to believe that my wife was stupid enough to be unfaithful. I know that we had our ups and downs, but the mother of my children, the woman who I allowed to be a SAHM for about 5 years, the woman whom I loved and was still in love with....I just couldn't fathom it. By this time I had moved back to our bedroom and just happened to be laying there in the bed when my wife decided to watch a show in another room. She left her phone and thought she was safe since there was a passcode on it. However, I had the passcode and once I opened it I read messages between her and a female friend. What I read was unbelievable. Since December she was talking to a guy, fell head over heels in love with him, was pissed that he wasn't giving her the attention that she deserved at times..etc...etc. The car that was following her was the guy. I quickly locked the door and just was going through every message. My heart was racing, my head started hurting, my anger was flaring....just about every symptom that you could think of I had. Found out also that her friend was also having a PA on her husband for the past 9 months at that point.

My wife comes upstairs and realizes that the door is locked and starts pounding on the door. I told her to hold on and when I opened it she quickly ran to the phone to see if anything was there to expose her. I confronted her immediately and she said that the guy was someone from school when she was in college and not nursing school. That he always had a crush on her and wanted to be her man. They never met up, but wanted her to. She said that she already told him that she didn't want him to contact her anymore. She said that even though she had feelings for him, she didn't want to be physical with him. He just made her feel wanted/attractive. She even asked him what he was trying to gain from the situation cause a PA wasn't going down. She said that the turning point came when they discussed his ex wife and how they met when she was married and how they would meet up to have sex in another city. She divorced her husband to marry him, but then left him for someone else.

Fast forward. Once I realized that she lied about a few things I started checking up on her. I checked her online activity, her whereabouts when she was allegedly going to work and who she was talking to at all hours of the day. I confirmed that this was strictly an EA. However, this was a period of trickling truth. She had a hidden email account where she sent nude pics (*and videos which I didn't confirm until a few weeks ago). I saw the text and phone records to this one person that was exponential in Jan - Feb. I even got a copy of the messages between them. How he had her heart...blah blah blah. When I found these things I confronted her. She claimed that she blocked him on everything so there was no way for him to contact her. I asked her for the passwords to everything and she told me that she closed down that hidden account (*another lie which I confirmed recently).

During this period I had fallen into a deep depression. I had the worst experience with depression that I've ever had in my life. One weekend, I couldn't get out of bed, had crying spells, constant shaking from anxiety/fear....etc..etc. To top it all off, I was due to start a new job in a couple of weeks. I had to pull myself together. So with a ton of prayer, her getting an accountability partner and giving me access to her accounts did help to make things easier. Also her behavior was slowly returning to normal. However, things didn't end there and a new problem arrived with another male friend from the past. I'm going to post this second portion soon to get to where I am currently.
 
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#56 ·
WARNING: The 180 is NOT a manipulation tool to make your spouse end his/her affair and commit to do the work of marital recovery, IT IS an emotional empowerment tool to help you become emotionally strong so that you can move on with your life - with or without your spouse. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive.

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW.
 
#57 ·
What does her family say about her behavior? If they do not know it is way past time to tell them.

Past time to tell her friend's husband about her affair. As a matter of fact, tell him about his wife and your wife's affair.

In order to work on your marriage you have to break up the affairs. The way to break up affairs is to let family and friends know what is going on. If they are willing to have affairs they have to have the courage to wear their actions.

The upside to not doing the right things when your wife is doing the wrong things is that it will surely lead to divorce. You need to learn MMSLP and find a worthy woman.
 
#59 ·
At this point, you tell her you're free to leave but the kids stay in THEIR HOME, with you. If she wants to stay with her kids, she will:
Cease all communication with all other men
Hand over her electronics whenever you ask so you can verify she has ceased communication
Attend therapy for as long as you need
Remove this 'accountability partner' from her life

IF she refuses to do these things, you'll help her pack.

You have GOT to start acting like a strong man. If you don't, you will find yourself removed from your own home, some other man living there with YOUR kids, paying for her to have another man there, and in debt for the rest of your life.
 
#60 ·
As @blueinbr said - get 50% of the money out of the joint bank accounts now and open another account in your name only. Have paycheck go into this new account only. Any bills you are responsible for, get those linked to the new account as well.

Leave her with the old account.

Follow blue's advice on the credit cards too. Now that she knows you want to separate finances, she's going to want to go on a shopping spree to furnish her new love nest errrr apartment.
 
#61 ·
Krapchute

Out of all your posts about what your wife has said and done, I will point out the one truth she said, "I've checked out of this marriage". As a Christian man myself, @ farsidejunky was correct, you know you can divorce. Your wife doesn't want a marriage, my advice is give her just that, a divorce.
 
#63 ·
Listen to NoChoice. He is spot on a lot IMHO.

Pretty much everything your wife is doing, my wife did to me and other cheaters have done to thier marriages. They think the affair is special... When it's not.

Read: not just friends by Shirley Glass. Your wife should to... If you want her back.
 
#64 ·
In OP's 2nd post. He said "I won't divorce because I'm a Christan" and "her church friends have told her to not tell OP everything."

Sigh. Being a Christian doesn't mean a thing. So many think that makes you/anyone above the fray. Cheaters are cheaters no matter religion, color, wealth, whatever. As you see, her Christian Church friends didn't shame her for her actions... Seems they are helping or at least supporting her... Maybe sharing affair stories.

For the year, she seems to not care. Why bother, because of the church she can have EA/PA all she wants and the OP will stay and get more miserable. But eventually some one is going to hit a breaking point.

That is a long year of nonstop lies. The MC nore she seems to be doing enough. Your b wife doesn't care about what she is doing to you or the kids. Perhaps get her the book: how to help your spouse heal from an affair.

You should consider divorce... She isn't respecting you are anyone's values.
 
#65 ·
TaDor: I see what you're saying however I must be clear that her church sisters were not in support of what she was doing. They told her that she needed to end this EA and that this new person was not a friend to her in ANY way. Also that anyone who is not for your marriage is against it and needs to be removed from her life. They kept her lifted in prayer and have been there for her when she needed someone because she was very weak. Almost like all of you guys are trying to be there for me. Like I said before "I agree that the decision from her sisters to not say anything was a terrible choice, but one that she would've made without their input anyway."

Update: Lately the family is really sick. Definitely some nasty bug going around so I've been trying to take care of them the best that I can. Had a discussion with Mrs. KC and told her straight up I'm not going to be second to any man in my house any longer. If anything happens with any man from here on out i'm going to divorce period. I have access to all accounts that i'm aware of. I told her that i'm bitter and i'm almost at the point that I hate her. She assures me that I have nothing to worry about with any men from here on out. I laugh. She says she's going through a lot right now, having anxiety and fear of what this other man will do to her reputation. The fact that she did let the OM go and that because of her mistake she's still dealing with it even though she has no further contact with him since last Apr. She continues that for the past few days she feels that she almost wants to be done with men period..even me.

Mrs KC has moved out from the bedroom to her office(*separate room). We're just cordial to each other just discussing the kids. Feels really weird being this way with the wife, but I know that I have to just work on myself now. Going to search lawyers today.
 
#67 ·
Thanks for the clarification about the church ladies.

The 2nd paragraph is a step in the right direction... but she is so wishy-washy.
There are different thoughts on therapy. Something our MC brought up when I talked about going to IC was that: ICs aren't shouldn't to be involved with relationship matters when the patient is also doing MC. He had to coordinate with my IC (which I didn't need much anymore anyway)

Reason? The IC's work with the patient and may not have the full picture... and may help break up a marriage. "My husband is a jerk" - IC: okay, then you should leave him. My wayward told me her IC told her "you are not in a fog, you should leave" but that turned out to be a lie that she later admitted.

Her moving out of the home is for freedom to bang other guyS without complaints from you. She doesn't care for you at this time, and its unknown if she ever will. Either way - if you guys split up - DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. She broke the family, she gets to move.

How long have you two been going to MC? If its over 6 months and no real improvement from her... then it seems a waste of time.

What books are the both of you reading? Your ages? When did you get married and how long again?

She may have checked out a long time ago.

What you are going through, sucks. We know.
 
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#70 ·
Thanks for the clarification about the church ladies.

The 2nd paragraph is a step in the right direction... but she is so wishy-washy.
There are different thoughts on therapy. Something our MC brought up when I talked about going to IC was that: ICs aren't shouldn't to be involved with relationship matters when the patient is also doing MC. He had to coordinate with my IC (which I didn't need much anymore anyway)

Reason? The IC's work with the patient and may not have the full picture... and may help break up a marriage. "My husband is a jerk" - IC: okay, then you should leave him. My wayward told me her IC told her "you are not in a fog, you should leave" but that turned out to be a lie that she later admitted.

Her moving out of the home is for freedom to bang other guyS without complaints from you. She doesn't care for you at this time, and its unknown if she ever will. Either way - if you guys split up - DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. She broke the family, she gets to move.

How long have you two been going to MC? If its over 6 months and no real improvement from her... then it seems a waste of time.

What books are the both of you reading? Your ages? When did you get married and how long again?

She may have checked out a long time ago

What you are going through, sucks. We know.
I'm back. I've been doing really horrible this week. Family has been pretty sick. There's definitely some bug going around. So to answer your questions Tador. We've been going to MC off and on since Mar 16. When I say off and on I really mean few and far between.

She has been reading one of my favorite books which is "The Power of Now" and i'm currently reading MMSL Primer. We're both 39 and we've been married since 2009 so we just hit 8 years.

She has checked out and has told me on many occasions.

(Update): Since the new year and my re-dedication to myself, I told you guys that she has now moved to her office and i'm trying to focus on me and the kids. Since she and the kids were sick I did try to take care of them and let her sleep in the bedroom (*I know that I was being nice again). However, today I officially put her out of the room and told her that she can no longer be in here. She keeps continuing to ask why I was being so pushy to get her out. I told her that "nothings changed" I told her that I don't want any further drama and I need to focus on me. I then added that this needs to happen, I can no longer be second to someone else, that I deserve a wife who isn't going to entertain other men, that I'm tired of the lies and the deceit. She of course said, "I'm not talking to anyone else now. I've told you that because i'm not able to properly discern if a person is just being nice or if there's a hidden motive i'm just scared to even talk to someone now." I told her that you need to pray about discernment, but truthfully a big problem is your need for attention. She agreed. She says okay "so you're saying that the reason your kicking me out is because you're not sure how long these changes will last?" I said well that's part of it and I need to just be away from the drama so I can focus. Before heading out, she goes well just so you know, since I am your wife whenever you want this I will do my wifely duty and give it to you. I'm like really? Sounds like you're giving it to me for pity. Like "if I must I guess I'll do it". I just told her no thanks.

Still haven't found a suitable divorce lawyer yet. Will update again soon.
 
#69 ·
Same here... when things got very stressful on D-Day, my wayward said "I'm not choosing either of you" - which of course meant she is choosing to break up the family and OF course, it means she *did* choose the POSOM.

Moving out of the main bedroom (vs. being kicked out) is to get away, etc.

Stay the course KrapChute. Start Divorce, hit her with the 2X4 - she is *SO WORRIED about him damaging her reputation?" uh, that would be MOSTLY on HER than anyone else. ALL she had to do was block him, tell him NC... and of course file a restraining order against him or at least threaten to.

So yeah, expose her to her family and such... but, as they say - there maybe a tactic to doing so if you do it. May knock her out of her fog (But she seems oddly into more than one guy - so I think she wants to be a slot and bang a lot of guys. Hence I was asking your ages and such. Like were you both virgins/only sexual partners? - She maybe getting older and wants to experience other guys - wants to know those "What If" things that waywards do).

When I exposed, I did it to keep her from telling lies "We simply broke up" and to push her away and NEVER take her back. I even posted it "I WILL NEVER take her sorry cheating butt @#*(&(#$&@ back - ever"... and threw her out of my home.

Hence, the older members here say: Divorce. File first and get the ball rolling. No way to live in such a marriage as well as one of the ways to knock a wayward in the gut and maybe bust a hole in the wayward's bubble. Affairs LIVE and thrive in secrecy.
 
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#71 ·
Since the new year and my re-dedication to myself, I told you guys that she has now moved to her office and i'm trying to focus on me and the kids

I told her that "nothings changed" I told her that I don't want any further drama and I need to focus on me. I then added that this needs to happen, I can no longer be second to someone else, that I deserve a wife who isn't going to entertain other men, that I'm tired of the lies and the deceit
you're not sure how long these changes will last?" I said well that's part of it and I need to just be away from the drama so I can focus.

Krapchute
You are very wise and know exactly what you have to do as you have described in bold above.. You will be tempted to derail yourself from your goals as you weaken from time to time but be determined to get back on tract. You are now in the jungle kingdom and only the strong survive. You have to be determined and fight for your emotional life for a long time. You can be a LOT better if you are successful in building yourself up in every way. The pain that you have will lessen a LOT in time and you can become very contented again.

The marriage that you have is very damaging to you and you have been severely disrespected and need to remind yourself that you must not let her ever get you off tract because you have to become much stronger for you and your children
 
#74 ·
You both should be reading books on cheating and getting a better MC - IF you want to go that route.

Maybe, ask her "If you want to be a wife, then YOU must work for the marriage". That hurting YOU is no longer acceptable.

If there is anything about you that wants to try/give her a bit of a chance:
Get your wife this book to read: https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Sp...r+Affair:+A+Compact+Manual+for+the+Unfaithful

Its a short read, a few hours. It talks to the mind of a cheater. For my wayward, it seemed to knock a lot of the fog out of her... *IT IS NOT INSTANT*

This book is for you, and her... doesn't matter which way it goes. You start reading it first. Have two bookmarks or buy two copies. (I bought a 2nd copy as its 450 pages). https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Fri...d=1484216177&sr=1-1&keywords=not+just+friends

It can help your marriage heal or help YOU heal and your future relationships.

Again, your MC didn't seem good.
 
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