Really hope to save my marriage but my wife can't get past my cheating on her

bdubut · 12-10-2011, 02:30 PM

I am really frustrated and upset with my relationship at this point and I am desperate for help.

My story is long and brutal but hopefully you guys will read and give me some advise.

I have been married for 7 years and we have 2 daughters, 6 years ago I cheated on my wife, this affair went on for about 10 months before she caught some txt messages on my phone from her to me while I was sleeping. Needless to say I was woken up by my wife holding a baseball bat and telling me to get out of the house before she killed me. Fair enough I certainly deserved it for what I did.

After this happened we seperated for close to a year while my wife decided if she really wanted to be with me or not. Finally she decide that is what she did want and we moved back together and moved on with life, things were a struggle at times but for the most part things were getting better. Then my wife got pregnant with our second child and on her first visit to the doctor found out she had contracted an STD. I guess I must have got it from the women I had an affair with a few years earlier. Needless to say this sent us into another huge tailspin and seemed to have been the straw that broke the camels back. Since that time 2 years ago our relationship has been good on most levels, we get a long great have fun together and hardly ever fight. Unfortunatly on the intimate side of things everything is completly screwed and I can count the times we have had sex on one hand in those 2 years. She also never kisses me unless I kiss her and is basicly very distant. Recently this all came to a head and I finally told her this cannot go on, that we need to find a solution to our problems or divorce. At that time she told me that she isnt attracted to me and that ever since she found out that she had an std from me that she just feels uncomfortable with sex. She says she loves me but not "inlove" with me. At this point I told her she either needs to go to counsiling or I was moving out and she finally decided to go. She has been going for about 2 months and I think its helping her but hasnt really helped our relationship. At this point she says I have done all I could possibly do to help our relationship move forward but that its on her now to figure out if she can do anything to fix our relationship.

I love my wife so much and would do most anything to make this work, however I can't help but feel like I am just sitting here waiting for her to leave me. So any sugestions on what I can do to help my wife fall inlove with me again and want to stay in this relationship with me.

Arnold · 12-10-2011, 02:42 PM

Most of the time, the Rubicon has been crossed via infidelity. You might just have to accept that, contrary to what the reconciliation for a fee sites promote, very few relationships survive infidelity. Many, many very nice, loving, normally forgiving people simply do not get past this. Your wife may fall in with the majority.

tacoma · 12-10-2011, 02:50 PM

Honestly.

I`d let her leave me.

I think at this point the only thing that`ll allow her to see you in a better light would be the fact that what`s out there isn`t so hot.

A little while on her own might actually help her realize she wants to be with you.

pidge70 · 12-10-2011, 02:54 PM

I could get past the cheating, Hell, I have but, the STD would have ended it for me.
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Soccerfan73 · 12-10-2011, 02:59 PM

It's difficult to give you quality advice honestly, because I can fully understand why she would leave you after you gave her the gift of an STD....An STD she acquired through absolutely no fault of her own.

bdubut · 12-10-2011, 03:14 PM

Thanks for the replys and yes your right, I understand why she would leave me as well I certainly don't deserve her after what I have done.

bdubut · 12-10-2011, 03:47 PM

I certainly understand what your saying. Since this all happened 6 years ago I have really changed my life and who I am. I was a pretty horrible mean person back then and I am done what I needed to do to change my life. I have served my wife in everyway I know how since this happened. I realize what I did was wrong and sick and horrible. I realize what I did was wrong and I have empathy for what I did to her and I will always be sad and ashamed for what I did to her. However, I want us both just to be happy and I realize maybe you think I never deserve to be happy again for what I did and I guess thats your opinion.

pidge70 · 12-10-2011, 03:51 PM

Your W may have thought she could forgive you and move on. Apparently she cannot deal with it anymore. I'm a DS myself and I know everyday we are still together is a gift. I will forever live my life on a day to day basis due to my stupidity.
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bdubut · 12-10-2011, 04:45 PM

Thanks Catherine, I agree with you and I feel I may have come not seeming very greatful. The truth is I am so greatful for my wife to give me a second chance, I am greatful for everyday that I get with her. Maybe I should just give up on the intimate part of our relationship and just be greatful we are together. I agree with you that sex is not about giving something to me but to bond and be close and that what I miss about her. I think maybe your right about the ultimatum, that wasnt really a good idea considering the situation. Thanks for you help Catherine.

EleGirl · 12-10-2011, 04:56 PM

The STD, is it something that was treatable? Did both of you get treatment and are you both clear of it now? Some STD's cannot be cured. I'm wondering if the health affect of the STD is part of the issue.

bdubut · 12-10-2011, 05:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EleGirl

The STD, is it something that was treatable? Did both of you get treatment and are you both clear of it now? Some STD's cannot be cured. I'm wondering if the health affect of the STD is part of the issue.

It was Chlamydia, so we just had to take some antibiotics to clear it up.

that_girl · 12-10-2011, 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pidge70

I could get past the cheating, Hell, I have but, the STD would have ended it for me.
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EleGirl · 12-10-2011, 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bdubut

It was Chlamydia, so we just had to take some antibiotics to clear it up.

It's a good thing that it was caught before your child was born as it can cause problems for the baby.

Did you take the meds as well?

At least is was curable.

The thing is that you wife now knows that not only did you not consider her emotional health, but her physical health as well. In finding out about the STD, it brings up the entire affair all over again. It's as though it had just happened all over again.

The wound was reopened at a time she was extra vulnerable. An affair is like that. When new info surfaces, even years later this happens.

The 20/20 vision comment on this is that the both of you should have have STD tests as soon as the affair was reveiled.

that_girl · 12-10-2011, 05:53 PM

Ew...That says a lot about the woman you slept with.

I would think after 6 years, things should be better than they are.

tierzastarr · 12-10-2011, 06:11 PM

Think of it this way. She was probably happy about the baby right?
Going to the appointment all excited and happy and then finding out you have an std from when your h cheated on you a couple years before. So technically your cheating destroyed that day for her. Brought everything back up and made her feel llike ****.

About the sex.
I bet she feel insecure, ashamed and worried that you're judging her. Comparing her. That's how I would feel.
Read this. These are the questions she has running through her mind.
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