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post #31 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 07:37 AM
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Re: Online affairs

12 years ago my husband had an affair with a coworker. It was life changing & brutal. I learnt lessons I wish I had never learnt.

Life carried on. We were pulled back together by tragedies & joys. We had our 2 beautiful children. Everything was great!

I became very sick & nearly died. Emergency surgery saved me but my internal organs had become septic, the surgeon ripped me open again removing a staple. My husband lost his job. We had a really rough couple of months. His ex sent a message via Linked-In saying, "Hey!". One innocent little word. It took him a week to reply & utterly break me.

To anyone who thinks an online affair is no big deal try reading, "Your the last thing I think of before I go to sleep & the first thing I think of in the morning." You have no idea why your partner is being so distant & cruel. You fight for your marriage whilst fighting for your life. You get diagnosed with cancer. All the time the love of your life is sending gifts of your things, favorite wine, your CHILDRENs favorite books, music that you shared & had so many romantic moments tied to. Try finding the receipt for mothers Day flowers "To the GREATEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD! All my love always".

I poured my heart out only to read him mocking me with my words to her. My physical state, scars & stitches, intimate cancer surgeries used to debase me & woo her!!

What's sex? You can get drunk & do that hardly thinking or feeling. Pledging your LOVE to another, sharing intimacies, your history, your weaknesses, her unforgettable eyes & other such drivel.

Yeh! It's just online. No big deal.

AND knowing that he was sat next to ME or with our little girl on his lap....She was in my house although they lived states apart!

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post #32 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:33 AM
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Re: Online affairs

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
Maybe. I just think to not put ourselves in those situations to start with, is probably best. We're only human.
This is good advice but it is not enough for all circumstances.

Through normal normal contact and above board activities I found myself declining into an EA. Nothing I did was overtly wrong but I didn't notice the steady stream of contact escalation I was doing. My wife did and if she hadn't have said anything it might have crossed the point of no return. This is why I think it's crucial for spouses to have agreement early on on these things and the level of transparency needed.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton

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post #33 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: Online affairs

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Originally Posted by ShatteredStill View Post
12 years ago my husband had an affair with a coworker. It was life changing & brutal. I learnt lessons I wish I had never learnt.

Life carried on. We were pulled back together by tragedies & joys. We had our 2 beautiful children. Everything was great!

I became very sick & nearly died. Emergency surgery saved me but my internal organs had become septic, the surgeon ripped me open again removing a staple. My husband lost his job. We had a really rough couple of months. His ex sent a message via Linked-In saying, "Hey!". One innocent little word. It took him a week to reply & utterly break me.

To anyone who thinks an online affair is no big deal try reading, "Your the last thing I think of before I go to sleep & the first thing I think of in the morning." You have no idea why your partner is being so distant & cruel. You fight for your marriage whilst fighting for your life. You get diagnosed with cancer. All the time the love of your life is sending gifts of your things, favorite wine, your CHILDRENs favorite books, music that you shared & had so many romantic moments tied to. Try finding the receipt for mothers Day flowers "To the GREATEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD! All my love always".

I poured my heart out only to read him mocking me with my words to her. My physical state, scars & stitches, intimate cancer surgeries used to debase me & woo her!!

What's sex? You can get drunk & do that hardly thinking or feeling. Pledging your LOVE to another, sharing intimacies, your history, your weaknesses, her unforgettable eyes & other such drivel.

Yeh! It's just online. No big deal.

AND knowing that he was sat next to ME or with our little girl on his lap....She was in my house although they lived states apart!
ShatteredStill,
I did not know your story. This is heartbreaking. I am truly sorry for what you went through. While my story might not be the same, I do see some similarities and it has further opened my eyes to the incredible pain I must have caused my husband. I have thanked him, told him I am sorry and also that I see how incredibly strong he is given the horrible behavior on my part that he has had to deal with.
Again, I have no words other than to say your story has touched me profoundly and that I am so very sorry for the pain you had to endure.
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post #34 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:40 PM
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Re: Online affairs

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
Maybe. I just think to not put ourselves in those situations to start with, is probably best. We're only human.
OP - one of the most cerebral threads I've read on TAM is this thread by Just Joe

In fact, it is the first thread I read trying to help someone else. The thread hits some very existential thoughts and is a good read for anyone.
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post #35 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online affairs

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Originally Posted by Absurdist View Post
OP - one of the most cerebral threads I've read on TAM is this thread by Just Joe

In fact, it is the first thread I read trying to help someone else. The thread hits some very existential thoughts and is a good read for anyone.
I just looked at that thread, wow. Thanks for sharing it. I wonder why spouses who are ''caught'' cheating, often scramble to make everything up to their current spouse, they fight to 'save' the marriage, etc. But, up until they were caught, they were perfectly fine to keep ignoring their partner, and cheat. Kind of makes me wonder if it's ever really genuine, when cheaters are caught. Or they just don't want to lose their house, lifestyle, etc.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

I'm newly married
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post #36 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online affairs

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Originally Posted by meson View Post
This is good advice but it is not enough for all circumstances.

Through normal normal contact and above board activities I found myself declining into an EA. Nothing I did was overtly wrong but I didn't notice the steady stream of contact escalation I was doing. My wife did and if she hadn't have said anything it might have crossed the point of no return. This is why I think it's crucial for spouses to have agreement early on on these things and the level of transparency needed.
Why do you think your wife could sense it but you couldn't?

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

I'm newly married
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post #37 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 04:18 PM
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Re: Online affairs

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I wonder why spouses who are ''caught'' cheating, often scramble to make everything up to their current spouse, they fight to 'save' the marriage, etc. But, up until they were caught, they were perfectly fine to keep ignoring their partner, and cheat. Kind of makes me wonder if it's ever really genuine, when cheaters are caught. Or they just don't want to lose their house, lifestyle, etc.
I can only speak for myself. When my husband caught me the first time back in January 2016, it forced us both to evaluate our marriage. We had to deal with my cheating and in addition to it with the status of our relationship. We both realized that our marriage had been pretty dead over many years...and things had gotten worse since we had our little girl. We had a very hard time adjusting to parenting, we let our child become the center of our world (while we pretty much neglected each other, so all the energy, time and attention went to our child. Little is we knoe how badly we were damaging our marriage). At the time I was still cosleeping with our daughter most of the time and this took away from the already very limited time we had as a couple.
So when my EA came to light we had to make some adjustments while on my end I had to reassure my husband that I would never make him responsible for my cheating. We were both largely unhappy and exhausted (working full time jobs, extremely long commutes to work, very little alone time, etc) and we figured that after so many years of marriage that is just how things would be...very little fun, passion, etc The key difference is that my husband found some healthy ways of coping (going to the gym, visitng his family, etc) while I became depressed, isolated and eventually engaged in EAs.
We have chosen to reconciliate. Why? Because we had a good marriageat one time. We both stopped nurturing it and we both still believe we can try. We also have a young child. Finally, we are working on a postnuptial agreement. I am not a vindictive person, we have a child together. Why in the world would I want to go out of my way to hurt him any further should he decided to divorce me? I have a master's degree, a very stable job, our house will be paid off in less than 10 years, I have excellent benefits which cover both my husband and child, I grew up in a third world country and I am not afraid of living in poverty. My husband is largely responsible for carefully managing our finances and so we put aay the maximum allowed per paycheck towards retirement and pension. If we were to divorce I would gladly give him whatever will allow him to maintain his current lifestyle. He is the father of my child. I need him to stay sane and as stress free as possible to be able to care for himself and thus our child.
Ultimately as much hurt as I have caused him through my cheating, I know deep down I love him. I know that I can step up and become the wife he deserves. And I am beyond grateful that he is giving me another chance.
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post #38 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 04:28 PM
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Re: Online affairs

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShatteredStill View Post
12 years ago my husband had an affair with a coworker. It was life changing & brutal. I learnt lessons I wish I had never learnt.

Life carried on. We were pulled back together by tragedies & joys. We had our 2 beautiful children. Everything was great!

I became very sick & nearly died. Emergency surgery saved me but my internal organs had become septic, the surgeon ripped me open again removing a staple. My husband lost his job. We had a really rough couple of months. His ex sent a message via Linked-In saying, "Hey!". One innocent little word. It took him a week to reply & utterly break me.

To anyone who thinks an online affair is no big deal try reading, "Your the last thing I think of before I go to sleep & the first thing I think of in the morning." You have no idea why your partner is being so distant & cruel. You fight for your marriage whilst fighting for your life. You get diagnosed with cancer. All the time the love of your life is sending gifts of your things, favorite wine, your CHILDRENs favorite books, music that you shared & had so many romantic moments tied to. Try finding the receipt for mothers Day flowers "To the GREATEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD! All my love always".

I poured my heart out only to read him mocking me with my words to her. My physical state, scars & stitches, intimate cancer surgeries used to debase me & woo her!!

What's sex? You can get drunk & do that hardly thinking or feeling. Pledging your LOVE to another, sharing intimacies, your history, your weaknesses, her unforgettable eyes & other such drivel.

Yeh! It's just online. No big deal.

AND knowing that he was sat next to ME or with our little girl on his lap....She was in my house although they lived states apart!
YOu are absolutely 100% correct. Great post.
I feel your pain, I've been there.
Internet emotional/physical affairs are NO DOUBT just as crushing to a relationship, just as sinister and shady, just as vile and disgusting as any other affair.
ANyone who doubts this only needs to experience it themselves.
That will leave no doubt in their mind about them, either.
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post #39 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 07:38 PM
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Re: Online affairs

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
Why do you think your wife could sense it but you couldn't?
She could see my demeanor change around the OW. She also saw that I did more and more things that involved her. In a really old thread that I couldnt find, I likened it to driving a bus on the edge of a cliff. As a bus driver I can't see the wheels as well as someone not encased in the confines of the bus like the driver. She saw the wheels getting too close to the edge and I thought I was still ok. I didn't even believe her when she said the OW was my girlfriend. The dopamine and other neural chemicals had a strong hold on me.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton

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post #40 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 07:52 PM
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Cool Re: Online affairs

No matter how pretty that you paint the picture or make it seem, at the end of the day, it is nothing more than good ol' fashioned cheating!


"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #41 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 08:29 PM
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Re: Online affairs

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I just looked at that thread, wow. Thanks for sharing it. I wonder why spouses who are ''caught'' cheating, often scramble to make everything up to their current spouse, they fight to 'save' the marriage, etc. But, up until they were caught, they were perfectly fine to keep ignoring their partner, and cheat. Kind of makes me wonder if it's ever really genuine, when cheaters are caught. Or they just don't want to lose their house, lifestyle, etc.
That was gut wrenching. For both her and him. I almost felt she was like a prisoner in her own life after that. You have no idea what anyone is ever thinking, especially after something like that. Happy I am separated...I'd never be able to trust again.
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post #42 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online affairs

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Originally Posted by Itwasjustafantasy View Post
I can only speak for myself. When my husband caught me the first time back in January 2016, it forced us both to evaluate our marriage. We had to deal with my cheating and in addition to it with the status of our relationship. We both realized that our marriage had been pretty dead over many years...and things had gotten worse since we had our little girl. We had a very hard time adjusting to parenting, we let our child become the center of our world (while we pretty much neglected each other, so all the energy, time and attention went to our child. Little is we knoe how badly we were damaging our marriage). At the time I was still cosleeping with our daughter most of the time and this took away from the already very limited time we had as a couple.
So when my EA came to light we had to make some adjustments while on my end I had to reassure my husband that I would never make him responsible for my cheating. We were both largely unhappy and exhausted (working full time jobs, extremely long commutes to work, very little alone time, etc) and we figured that after so many years of marriage that is just how things would be...very little fun, passion, etc The key difference is that my husband found some healthy ways of coping (going to the gym, visitng his family, etc) while I became depressed, isolated and eventually engaged in EAs.
We have chosen to reconciliate. Why? Because we had a good marriageat one time. We both stopped nurturing it and we both still believe we can try. We also have a young child. Finally, we are working on a postnuptial agreement. I am not a vindictive person, we have a child together. Why in the world would I want to go out of my way to hurt him any further should he decided to divorce me? I have a master's degree, a very stable job, our house will be paid off in less than 10 years, I have excellent benefits which cover both my husband and child, I grew up in a third world country and I am not afraid of living in poverty. My husband is largely responsible for carefully managing our finances and so we put aay the maximum allowed per paycheck towards retirement and pension. If we were to divorce I would gladly give him whatever will allow him to maintain his current lifestyle. He is the father of my child. I need him to stay sane and as stress free as possible to be able to care for himself and thus our child.
Ultimately as much hurt as I have caused him through my cheating, I know deep down I love him. I know that I can step up and become the wife he deserves. And I am beyond grateful that he is giving me another chance.
You seem really contrite over what happened, and I do wish you and your husband the best, now. Sometimes the greatest lessons are the ones that we felt the most pain ((hug))

Quote:
Originally Posted by meson View Post
She could see my demeanor change around the OW. She also saw that I did more and more things that involved her. In a really old thread that I couldnt find, I likened it to driving a bus on the edge of a cliff. As a bus driver I can't see the wheels as well as someone not encased in the confines of the bus like the driver. She saw the wheels getting too close to the edge and I thought I was still ok. I didn't even believe her when she said the OW was my girlfriend. The dopamine and other neural chemicals had a strong hold on me.
Interesting, and appreciate you sharing. I wonder though, didn't you feel that those feelings were similar to how you once felt about your wife? But, maybe it's hard to see the forest through the trees, as they say.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Herschel View Post
That was gut wrenching. For both her and him. I almost felt she was like a prisoner in her own life after that. You have no idea what anyone is ever thinking, especially after something like that. Happy I am separated...I'd never be able to trust again.
It would be hard to trust again. I understand we're only human, we make mistakes. I'd like to think that I could forgive, but it would be hard to ever forget...and be like the pain had never happened.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

I'm newly married
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post #43 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 06:10 AM
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Re: Online affairs

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Yea, I can see why a spouse might not want their spouse talking about him/her online. But, if you're seeking advice, then I understand it. But, there are some married people on here who share waaaayyyy too much about what they do with their spouse sexually. And some of those threads become very flirty. Not trying to seem like a prude, but highly doubt their spouses would appreciate knowing that their sex lives are being talked about in extreme detail with people of the opposite sex. And that's out in the open. lol

I just think that if you wouldn't want it done to you, then don't do it to your spouse.
I wonder if we are thinking of the same people?

This is my last post on TAM. I have thought about whether or not to post this but I'm going to do it because it has irritated me for some time, mainly because of the hypocrisy I see going on here.

There is one guy on TAM who latches on to women who are particularly vulnerable inasmuch as having a sexual dysfunction within their marriage. He PM's 'support' and offers daily friendship and genuinely offers great advice. After a time, when he has gained confidence, he moves this 'friendship' further by asking to exchange intimate details of sex acts, fantasies etc. When he either doesn't get what he wants or gets bored he moves onto another woman. I also know he circulates other forums looking for online sexual interaction with women who share a sexual kink. His wife does not know what he does and in my opinion is having multiple on-line affairs - whilst at the same time well meaning posters offer sincere support when he reports of his wife's 'unreasonable' behaviour.

He is a daily poster and generally seen as a nice guy, charming and well thought of. In public he claims to be pro-marriage, anti-infidelity and a Christian man who loves his family. Many of his problems that he posts about are actually his own doing because of his past mistakes - but in public a very different story is told where he is a victim of his LD wife's craziness. It also creates an opportunity for him to approach women via PM 'my wife doesn't understand me'. Its easy to get sucked in.

Point is...be careful when you get into friendships and daily support groups when you are discussing sex or issues around personal vulnerability. Sometimes those that appear to be your friend are not always so and the stories we are told are very much one sided. Be careful not to get over involved in other people's issues and remember you don't know the agenda of the person who wants to 'support' you.
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post #44 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 06:18 AM
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Re: Online affairs

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I wonder if we are thinking of the same people?

This is my last post on TAM. I have thought about whether or not to post this but I'm going to do it because it has irritated me for some time, mainly because of the hypocrisy I see going on here.

There is one guy on TAM who latches on to women who are particularly vulnerable inasmuch as having a sexual dysfunction within their marriage. He PM's 'support' and offers daily friendship and genuinely offers great advice. After a time, when he has gained confidence, he moves this 'friendship' further by asking to exchange intimate details of sex acts, fantasies etc. When he either doesn't get what he wants or gets bored he moves onto another woman. I also know he circulates other forums looking for online sexual interaction with women who share a sexual kink. His wife does not know what he does and in my opinion is having multiple on-line affairs - whilst at the same time well meaning posters offer sincere support when he reports of his wife's 'unreasonable' behaviour.

He is a daily poster and generally seen as a nice guy, charming and well thought of. In public he claims to be pro-marriage, anti-infidelity and a Christian man who loves his family. Many of his problems that he posts about are actually his own doing because of his past mistakes - but in public a very different story is told where he is a victim of his LD wife's craziness. It also creates an opportunity for him to approach women via PM 'my wife doesn't understand me'. Its easy to get sucked in.

Point is...be careful when you get into friendships and daily support groups when you are discussing sex or issues around personal vulnerability. Sometimes those that appear to be your friend are not always so and the stories we are told are very much one sided. Be careful not to get over involved in other people's issues and remember you don't know the agenda of the person who wants to 'support' you.
Please report this person to the moderators, peacem.

And I am very sorry to see you go.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #45 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 06:42 AM
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Re: Online affairs

I'm sorry to hear that too, @peacem. Also sorry to see you go as I appreciate your contributions here.

Your issue is the one reason I disable my PM function.

Please report the poster to the mods.

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