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post #46 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 08:37 AM
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Re: Online affairs

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Originally Posted by peacem View Post
I wonder if we are thinking of the same people?

This is my last post on TAM. I have thought about whether or not to post this but I'm going to do it because it has irritated me for some time, mainly because of the hypocrisy I see going on here.

There is one guy on TAM who latches on to women who are particularly vulnerable inasmuch as having a sexual dysfunction within their marriage. He PM's 'support' and offers daily friendship and genuinely offers great advice. After a time, when he has gained confidence, he moves this 'friendship' further by asking to exchange intimate details of sex acts, fantasies etc. When he either doesn't get what he wants or gets bored he moves onto another woman. I also know he circulates other forums looking for online sexual interaction with women who share a sexual kink. His wife does not know what he does and in my opinion is having multiple on-line affairs - whilst at the same time well meaning posters offer sincere support when he reports of his wife's 'unreasonable' behaviour.

He is a daily poster and generally seen as a nice guy, charming and well thought of. In public he claims to be pro-marriage, anti-infidelity and a Christian man who loves his family. Many of his problems that he posts about are actually his own doing because of his past mistakes - but in public a very different story is told where he is a victim of his LD wife's craziness. It also creates an opportunity for him to approach women via PM 'my wife doesn't understand me'. Its easy to get sucked in.

Point is...be careful when you get into friendships and daily support groups when you are discussing sex or issues around personal vulnerability. Sometimes those that appear to be your friend are not always so and the stories we are told are very much one sided. Be careful not to get over involved in other people's issues and remember you don't know the agenda of the person who wants to 'support' you.
So I am a wayward spouse and I can understand how my opinion may carry little weight in this forum as it is geared to support betrayed spouses. I actually do hold posters on this forum to a higher standard than I would elsewhere especially because the general tone of TAM is one where talk of proper boundaries and respect for one's spouse is repeatedly emphasized. I would be disgusted if I ever found myself at the receiving end of any form of harrassment or attempts at being engaged in any way that would be disrespectful to my marriage.

I haven't disabled my PM function because the support I have received has been from a couple of female posters and only one male. And each one has been clearly with a genuine intent to be helpful and for that I am very grateful. After having been at the receiving end of multiple comments that I found hurtful (even if I can rationally understand that I may have deserved them), it would be very hard to resist the will to expose such people publicly. At the least I would absolutely report them. You may think I am a hypocrite but in my view posters here who seem to hold eveyone to a high standard of respect should expect to get the same treatment.


Last edited by Itwasjustafantasy; 01-11-2017 at 01:50 PM.
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post #47 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 08:45 AM
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Re: Online affairs

Quote:
Originally Posted by peacem View Post
I wonder if we are thinking of the same people?

This is my last post on TAM. I have thought about whether or not to post this but I'm going to do it because it has irritated me for some time, mainly because of the hypocrisy I see going on here.

There is one guy on TAM who latches on to women who are particularly vulnerable inasmuch as having a sexual dysfunction within their marriage. He PM's 'support' and offers daily friendship and genuinely offers great advice. After a time, when he has gained confidence, he moves this 'friendship' further by asking to exchange intimate details of sex acts, fantasies etc. When he either doesn't get what he wants or gets bored he moves onto another woman. I also know he circulates other forums looking for online sexual interaction with women who share a sexual kink. His wife does not know what he does and in my opinion is having multiple on-line affairs - whilst at the same time well meaning posters offer sincere support when he reports of his wife's 'unreasonable' behaviour.

He is a daily poster and generally seen as a nice guy, charming and well thought of. In public he claims to be pro-marriage, anti-infidelity and a Christian man who loves his family. Many of his problems that he posts about are actually his own doing because of his past mistakes - but in public a very different story is told where he is a victim of his LD wife's craziness. It also creates an opportunity for him to approach women via PM 'my wife doesn't understand me'. Its easy to get sucked in.

Point is...be careful when you get into friendships and daily support groups when you are discussing sex or issues around personal vulnerability. Sometimes those that appear to be your friend are not always so and the stories we are told are very much one sided. Be careful not to get over involved in other people's issues and remember you don't know the agenda of the person who wants to 'support' you.
A Christian man? Guess that rules me out...
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post #48 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:14 AM
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Online affairs

@peacem Are you leaving us??

Please don't. Take a break. Come back later.

Last edited by 225985; 01-11-2017 at 11:26 AM.
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post #49 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Online affairs

Quote:
Originally Posted by peacem View Post
I wonder if we are thinking of the same people?

This is my last post on TAM. I have thought about whether or not to post this but I'm going to do it because it has irritated me for some time, mainly because of the hypocrisy I see going on here.

There is one guy on TAM who latches on to women who are particularly vulnerable inasmuch as having a sexual dysfunction within their marriage. He PM's 'support' and offers daily friendship and genuinely offers great advice. After a time, when he has gained confidence, he moves this 'friendship' further by asking to exchange intimate details of sex acts, fantasies etc. When he either doesn't get what he wants or gets bored he moves onto another woman. I also know he circulates other forums looking for online sexual interaction with women who share a sexual kink. His wife does not know what he does and in my opinion is having multiple on-line affairs - whilst at the same time well meaning posters offer sincere support when he reports of his wife's 'unreasonable' behaviour.

He is a daily poster and generally seen as a nice guy, charming and well thought of. In public he claims to be pro-marriage, anti-infidelity and a Christian man who loves his family. Many of his problems that he posts about are actually his own doing because of his past mistakes - but in public a very different story is told where he is a victim of his LD wife's craziness. It also creates an opportunity for him to approach women via PM 'my wife doesn't understand me'. Its easy to get sucked in.

Point is...be careful when you get into friendships and daily support groups when you are discussing sex or issues around personal vulnerability. Sometimes those that appear to be your friend are not always so and the stories we are told are very much one sided. Be careful not to get over involved in other people's issues and remember you don't know the agenda of the person who wants to 'support' you.
Not 100% sure, but there are a few who do this. I kept my pm's closed for a while, and then I thought...I'll just not reply if I get a pm from a married guy. Please don't leave though...I like your posts ((hug))

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

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post #50 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:35 AM
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Re: Online affairs

Quote:
Originally Posted by peacem View Post
I wonder if we are thinking of the same people?

This is my last post on TAM. I have thought about whether or not to post this but I'm going to do it because it has irritated me for some time, mainly because of the hypocrisy I see going on here.

There is one guy on TAM who latches on to women who are particularly vulnerable inasmuch as having a sexual dysfunction within their marriage. He PM's 'support' and offers daily friendship and genuinely offers great advice. After a time, when he has gained confidence, he moves this 'friendship' further by asking to exchange intimate details of sex acts, fantasies etc. When he either doesn't get what he wants or gets bored he moves onto another woman. I also know he circulates other forums looking for online sexual interaction with women who share a sexual kink. His wife does not know what he does and in my opinion is having multiple on-line affairs - whilst at the same time well meaning posters offer sincere support when he reports of his wife's 'unreasonable' behaviour.

He is a daily poster and generally seen as a nice guy, charming and well thought of. In public he claims to be pro-marriage, anti-infidelity and a Christian man who loves his family. Many of his problems that he posts about are actually his own doing because of his past mistakes - but in public a very different story is told where he is a victim of his LD wife's craziness. It also creates an opportunity for him to approach women via PM 'my wife doesn't understand me'. Its easy to get sucked in.

Point is...be careful when you get into friendships and daily support groups when you are discussing sex or issues around personal vulnerability. Sometimes those that appear to be your friend are not always so and the stories we are told are very much one sided. Be careful not to get over involved in other people's issues and remember you don't know the agenda of the person who wants to 'support' you.
Seriously? That is f'd up (and sad) on so many levels ...

At first I thought you were talking about me, but you made no mention of exchanging MEMEs so I knew I was off the hook ... phew ...

It is interesting to see how the PM function gets abused on various forums. The theme is usually the same even if the topic/subject is completely different.
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post #51 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: Online affairs

Welcome to life. Welcome to male/female interaction. Nothing new here. The cure would be worse than the offense. Censorism is the worse reality. Be awake, aware at every turn in life.
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post #52 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 01:31 PM
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Re: Online affairs

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
Interesting, and appreciate you sharing. I wonder though, didn't you feel that those feelings were similar to how you once felt about your wife? But, maybe it's hard to see the forest through the trees, as they say.
Eventually I did realize I had feelings for the OW. I also realized that I was still very much in love with my wife. Our marriage had gone through a dark period from which we addressed some issues and our marriage recovered. During this period I fell in love with my wife again. It was the same as when we were dating and early in our marriage. It was some time after this that I got to know the OW and followed her advice to help me become a better father which was something my wife needed which she knew because she was a close friend to my wife. As time went on and I discovered I had feelings for her it confused me greatly because I didn't think it was possible to love two at once. This brought me to TAM where through the posts of Entropy and Sigma I learned that I was in an EA, albeit a one sided one. After researching love and it's chemical basis I discovered that I was addicted to the OW interactions. So I treated it like one and limited contact and went through withdrawal. It took a long time but the feelings were extinguished.

I was lucky that this happened when our marriage was in a good state because otherwise I might have continued escalating past the point of no return. People with a vacuum in their relationships are more prone to accepting validation.

What peacem said is true for others as well. I remember one poster (whose name I forget) that was as anti betrayal as anyone. Well he was targeted by a few trolls who PM'd him constantly and actually got him into an EA. he eventually realized what had happened and posted about it and how much of a thrill each response was to messages. He admitted being hooked and then was too embarrassed that he became someone he railed against and dropped off TAM years ago.

Online or not one needs to have a limit to what one tells or does with another to avoid getting to close. The bottom line is that kind of emotional support or venting should be reserved for your spouse. The danger is that when you are in it, it feels right when it is actually wrong. That's why it's so hard to pull out.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton

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post #53 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 05:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online affairs

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Originally Posted by ulyssesheart View Post
Welcome to life. Welcome to male/female interaction. Nothing new here. The cure would be worse than the offense. Censorism is the worse reality. Be awake, aware at every turn in life.
There's honestly no reason for people of the opposite sex who are in LTR's or marriages to be having secretive chats online with members of the opposite sex in pm's. Nothing good ever really comes of it, if you ask me. You might convince yourself that this stranger online has become your ''friend,'' but if you have to keep him/her a secret from your spouse, then he/she is more than a friend.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

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post #54 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 08:58 PM
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Re: Online affairs

Quote:
Originally Posted by peacem View Post
I wonder if we are thinking of the same people?

This is my last post on TAM. I have thought about whether or not to post this but I'm going to do it because it has irritated me for some time, mainly because of the hypocrisy I see going on here.

There is one guy on TAM who latches on to women who are particularly vulnerable inasmuch as having a sexual dysfunction within their marriage. He PM's 'support' and offers daily friendship and genuinely offers great advice. After a time, when he has gained confidence, he moves this 'friendship' further by asking to exchange intimate details of sex acts, fantasies etc. When he either doesn't get what he wants or gets bored he moves onto another woman. I also know he circulates other forums looking for online sexual interaction with women who share a sexual kink. His wife does not know what he does and in my opinion is having multiple on-line affairs - whilst at the same time well meaning posters offer sincere support when he reports of his wife's 'unreasonable' behaviour.

He is a daily poster and generally seen as a nice guy, charming and well thought of. In public he claims to be pro-marriage, anti-infidelity and a Christian man who loves his family. Many of his problems that he posts about are actually his own doing because of his past mistakes - but in public a very different story is told where he is a victim of his LD wife's craziness. It also creates an opportunity for him to approach women via PM 'my wife doesn't understand me'. Its easy to get sucked in.

Point is...be careful when you get into friendships and daily support groups when you are discussing sex or issues around personal vulnerability. Sometimes those that appear to be your friend are not always so and the stories we are told are very much one sided. Be careful not to get over involved in other people's issues and remember you don't know the agenda of the person who wants to 'support' you.
Moderator note:

Please share the identity of your suspicions with one of us mods so we can look into this.

It will remain confidential within the mod group.

If anyone else suspects or experiences this please PM a mod.....TAM is not a hookup site nor a place to troll for vulnerable people.
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post #55 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:50 AM
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Re: Online affairs

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Moderator note:

Please share the identity of your suspicions with one of us mods so we can look into this.

It will remain confidential within the mod group.

If anyone else suspects or experiences this please PM a mod.....TAM is not a hookup site nor a place to troll for vulnerable people.
I agree with the above.

If anyone receives PMs from someone hitting on them, the best way to handle it is to forward the PM to a mod (or to all mods). That way we can see what they are saying.

What's being described here is a bannable offense. But we mods can only do something about it if we are informed about it.


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post #56 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 06:03 PM
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Re: Online affairs

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12 years ago my husband had an affair with a coworker. It was life changing & brutal. I learnt lessons I wish I had never learnt.

Life carried on. We were pulled back together by tragedies & joys. We had our 2 beautiful children. Everything was great!

I became very sick & nearly died. Emergency surgery saved me but my internal organs had become septic, the surgeon ripped me open again removing a staple. My husband lost his job. We had a really rough couple of months. His ex sent a message via Linked-In saying, "Hey!". One innocent little word. It took him a week to reply & utterly break me.

To anyone who thinks an online affair is no big deal try reading, "Your the last thing I think of before I go to sleep & the first thing I think of in the morning." You have no idea why your partner is being so distant & cruel. You fight for your marriage whilst fighting for your life. You get diagnosed with cancer. All the time the love of your life is sending gifts of your things, favorite wine, your CHILDRENs favorite books, music that you shared & had so many romantic moments tied to. Try finding the receipt for mothers Day flowers "To the GREATEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD! All my love always".

I poured my heart out only to read him mocking me with my words to her. My physical state, scars & stitches, intimate cancer surgeries used to debase me & woo her!!

What's sex? You can get drunk & do that hardly thinking or feeling. Pledging your LOVE to another, sharing intimacies, your history, your weaknesses, her unforgettable eyes & other such drivel.

Yeh! It's just online. No big deal.

AND knowing that he was sat next to ME or with our little girl on his lap....She was in my house although they lived states apart!
Well said!

I agree with you that those who don't think online affairs is cheating don't know a thing about it. My fWW's EA tore out my heart, just reading the declarations of love, that she couldn't wait to be his wife, her sending him gifts, etc, etc, etc. Even the prayers to God that they will be together someday soon, it was heart wrenching.


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post #57 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 02:12 PM
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Re: Online affairs

Quote:
Originally Posted by peacem View Post
I wonder if we are thinking of the same people?

This is my last post on TAM. I have thought about whether or not to post this but I'm going to do it because it has irritated me for some time, mainly because of the hypocrisy I see going on here.

There is one guy on TAM who latches on to women who are particularly vulnerable inasmuch as having a sexual dysfunction within their marriage. He PM's 'support' and offers daily friendship and genuinely offers great advice. After a time, when he has gained confidence, he moves this 'friendship' further by asking to exchange intimate details of sex acts, fantasies etc. When he either doesn't get what he wants or gets bored he moves onto another woman. I also know he circulates other forums looking for online sexual interaction with women who share a sexual kink. His wife does not know what he does and in my opinion is having multiple on-line affairs - whilst at the same time well meaning posters offer sincere support when he reports of his wife's 'unreasonable' behaviour.

He is a daily poster and generally seen as a nice guy, charming and well thought of. In public he claims to be pro-marriage, anti-infidelity and a Christian man who loves his family. Many of his problems that he posts about are actually his own doing because of his past mistakes - but in public a very different story is told where he is a victim of his LD wife's craziness. It also creates an opportunity for him to approach women via PM 'my wife doesn't understand me'. Its easy to get sucked in.

Point is...be careful when you get into friendships and daily support groups when you are discussing sex or issues around personal vulnerability. Sometimes those that appear to be your friend are not always so and the stories we are told are very much one sided. Be careful not to get over involved in other people's issues and remember you don't know the agenda of the person who wants to 'support' you.
I just want to apologise for what I have written here. The person I was referring to has contacted me and I think there was some misunderstandings and miscommunication plus a bit of paranoia and dramaqueen-ness on my part. I need to think a bit more carefully before posting. Sorry x
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post #58 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 04:22 PM
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Re: Online affairs

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I just want to apologise for what I have written here. The person I was referring to has contacted me and I think there was some misunderstandings and miscommunication plus a bit of paranoia and dramaqueen-ness on my part. I need to think a bit more carefully before posting. Sorry x


So, hopefully you are going to stay with TAM? Right?
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post #59 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 04:24 PM
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Re: Online affairs

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So, hopefully you are going to stay with TAM? Right?
May or may not. OK yes.
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