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post #1 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 11:06 AM Thread Starter
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Lightbulb Online affairs

I think that online affairs are a lot more common than people admit to, but many don't feel that having an online affair is really ''cheating.'' To me, it is. On this forum, I've read quite a few threads where betrayed spouses were basically betrayed by their wayward spouses having online affairs. Nothing physical happened, but the BS still considered it to be cheating. It doesn't happen over night though, so if you are married or in a serious relationship and are spending a lot of time privately talking to people from the opposite sex whether it's on social media, forums, etc, be careful. That's how affairs start.

Thought this was worth sharing here.

9 Signs You are Having an Online Affair

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post #2 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 04:26 PM
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Cool Re: Online affairs

Any physical or non-physical action, of a secretive or of a covert sexual nature, with another person who is not a party to either the marriage or relationship contract; that whenever one spouse commits it, that he does not desire the other spouse to have any discernible knowledge of, then that largely constitutes an act of infidelity!

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post #3 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 12:32 PM
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Re: Online affairs

I'm in the minority here, but I don't think it's cheating. I think it's inappropriate and bad for the relationship, but not infidelity.
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post #4 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: Online affairs

I think it depends on the nature of the online activity. If you are deceiving and hiding the relationship it's likely that you are cheating.

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post #5 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 01:15 PM
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Re: Online affairs

I agree it is common. I think EA and online affairs can be considered grey areas, where everyone's boundaries are going to vary according to the context. Whereas a physical affair most of us would agree is absolutely an affair and totally unacceptable.

I wonder how many people on TAM are open with their partners that they go to a forum to discuss the details of their relationships. How would it make them feel if they read some of the things we discuss on here? How would they feel if friendships have developed here, either in public or in private messaging? Because I see this ALL the time.

Most regular posters seem to be here most days - philosophically speaking - is it possible that we are all having one big collective emotional affair? (I'm teasing - a little).
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post #6 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 01:59 PM
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Re: Online affairs

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
I'm in the minority here, but I don't think it's cheating. I think it's inappropriate and bad for the relationship, but not infidelity.
I somewhat agree. There’s such a fine line though. I live in the northeast United States. Let’s say I caught my husband sending sexual messages to a woman say in Cambodia. I’m probably not likely to think of that as CHEATING. Inappropriate, not good for the marriage, etc. but the likelihood of them meeting up is slim to none. He may as well be sexting with a bot at that point. It could be a catfish for all I know. Hurtful and inappropriate, yes. Damaging to the trust, yes.

But let’s say he’s talking online to a woman from the next town over. Definitely different. The potential for it to easily go physical is just too big. There’s not an ocean in between them to stop them.

Unfortunately, at any point that you are lying and/or hiding things from your spouse – you are at the very least deceitful and breaking their trust. Whether or not you consider it “real” infidelity, it still hurts tremendously and damages the relationship.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #7 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 02:13 PM
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Re: Online affairs

oral sex, finger sex and 'eating out' isn't real sex.
just ask billy jeff clinton. or a lot of teens these days.
it's ok if your teenage 13 y.o. daughter doesn't have 'sex', right?

and getting your jollies with another man or woman even if they're
1000 miles away isn't cheating either.

it's called equivocating.

parse it any way you want to. it doesn't change a goose to a duck.
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post #8 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: Online affairs

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Originally Posted by peacem View Post
I agree it is common. I think EA and online affairs can be considered grey areas, where everyone's boundaries are going to vary according to the context. Whereas a physical affair most of us would agree is absolutely an affair and totally unacceptable.

I wonder how many people on TAM are open with their partners that they go to a forum to discuss the details of their relationships. How would it make them feel if they read some of the things we discuss on here? How would they feel if friendships have developed here, either in public or in private messaging? Because I see this ALL the time.

Most regular posters seem to be here most days - philosophically speaking - is it possible that we are all having one big collective emotional affair? (I'm teasing - a little).
This is true that EAs have a bit of a grey area. It's about emotional investments that take energy that would have otherwise been invested in the marriage. When looked at this way an EA covers a lot more that chatting up someone you might be sexually attracted towards.

For instance if I am on TAM so much that I am investing emotional energy working on someone else's problem that I ignore obligations and emotional investment in my wife then I am being unfaithful because I'm putting others before the marriage.

This test can be applied to a variety of relationships including best friends or jobs in addition to the opposite sex. I've known wives that emotionally support and invest in their girlfriends more than their husbands and I consider this to be an emotional affair though many would not consider this an EA. Likewise I've known husbands that prioritize sports to the extent their wives are considered <insert sport> widows.

It's all about balance and boundaries.

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post #9 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 09:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online affairs

Wow, such different and interesting opinions! I'm thinking that it would be cheating, I mean, look at the threads on here where betrayed spouses are crushed by their spouses having online affairs. Sure, no actual sex took place, but spending that much time emotionally connecting with someone other than your spouse, might be more heartbreaking than a one night stand.
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post #10 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 09:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online affairs

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Originally Posted by TX-SC View Post
I think it depends on the nature of the online activity. If you are deceiving and hiding the relationship it's likely that you are cheating.
Well, yea. If it crosses over into an ''affair''...then, it would be cheating. Chatting with people of the opposite sex is fine online, but one should know their boundaries, and excessive private messaging for example or taking things to email might be crossing those boundaries, and you might lose your way. From all I've read on here, and what I've observed offline, affairs don't happen overnight.

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post #11 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 10:02 PM
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Re: Online affairs

Wait wha???? Not cheating??? Ok, I just went through this with my ex, and it is every bit cheating as getting a **** shoved deep inside you. ANYTHING that is done with another person and is illicit, hidden from your spouse and is sexual in nature is cheating. Come on people. This is about marriage and honestly and commitment. If someone else is actively getting you off, then you are cheating. There is no opinion about this.
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post #12 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 08:14 AM
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Re: Online affairs

Quote:
Originally Posted by peacem View Post
I agree it is common. I think EA and online affairs can be considered grey areas, where everyone's boundaries are going to vary according to the context. Whereas a physical affair most of us would agree is absolutely an affair and totally unacceptable.

I wonder how many people on TAM are open with their partners that they go to a forum to discuss the details of their relationships. How would it make them feel if they read some of the things we discuss on here? How would they feel if friendships have developed here, either in public or in private messaging? Because I see this ALL the time.

Most regular posters seem to be here most days - philosophically speaking - is it possible that we are all having one big collective emotional affair? (I'm teasing - a little).
It's interesting that you bring this up. My husband doesn't know about TAM (as far as I'm aware) and I wouldn't want him to know. I think he would be extremely upset if he knew I was on here and knew about some of the comments that I've made about the marriage. Yes, it's a "secret" that I'm keeping from him. I feel that this site has helped me deal with some of the issues, however I don't think he would see it that way at all.

I've read comments about TAM members starting EA's with each other but I don't actually know of any.

When it comes to whether sexting/online affairs is actually cheating, it's kind of like a spectrum for me. I don't see it as black & white; there are lot of gray areas. And, for me, there are levels of cheating (if that makes any sense). Before coming to TAM, I never really thought much about it and wouldn't have considered an online affair "too bad". TAM has taught me a lot about cheating and now after reading about other marriages that have been destroyed by online affairs, I do now think online affairs as cheating and do believe that they destroy marriages but the level of betrayal is a spectrum for me. IMO.

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post #13 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 10:17 AM
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Re: Online affairs

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Originally Posted by jorgegene View Post
parse it any way you want to. it doesn't change a goose to a duck.
Oh come on Jorg, why not let the on-liners use a little available politically correct phraseology to change the perspective and avoid disturbing feelings, thoughts and events. Or in reality its like giving a computer course in home landscaping. If you'll get on-line and describe to its owners how you would treat their bushes, you'd do it the same way if you were on site.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.

Last edited by VladDracul; 01-04-2017 at 03:11 PM.
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post #14 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 05:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online affairs

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Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
It's interesting that you bring this up. My husband doesn't know about TAM (as far as I'm aware) and I wouldn't want him to know. I think he would be extremely upset if he knew I was on here and knew about some of the comments that I've made about the marriage. Yes, it's a "secret" that I'm keeping from him. I feel that this site has helped me deal with some of the issues, however I don't think he would see it that way at all.

I've read comments about TAM members starting EA's with each other but I don't actually know of any.

When it comes to whether sexting/online affairs is actually cheating, it's kind of like a spectrum for me. I don't see it as black & white; there are lot of gray areas. And, for me, there are levels of cheating (if that makes any sense). Before coming to TAM, I never really thought much about it and wouldn't have considered an online affair "too bad". TAM has taught me a lot about cheating and now after reading about other marriages that have been destroyed by online affairs, I do now think online affairs as cheating and do believe that they destroy marriages but the level of betrayal is a spectrum for me. IMO.
I've read comments about married people here starting EA's too, and why an EA would seem like cheating to me, is that it would be an emotional betrayal. To me, betrayals come in different forms...physical, mental, emotional, etc.

Why would your husband be upset if he knew you were on TAM?
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post #15 of 59 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 05:52 PM
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Re: Online affairs

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Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
It's interesting that you bring this up. My husband doesn't know about TAM (as far as I'm aware) and I wouldn't want him to know. I think he would be extremely upset if he knew I was on here and knew about some of the comments that I've made about the marriage. Yes, it's a "secret" that I'm keeping from him. I feel that this site has helped me deal with some of the issues, however I don't think he would see it that way at all.

I've read comments about TAM members starting EA's with each other but I don't actually know of any.

When it comes to whether sexting/online affairs is actually cheating, it's kind of like a spectrum for me. I don't see it as black & white; there are lot of gray areas. And, for me, there are levels of cheating (if that makes any sense). Before coming to TAM, I never really thought much about it and wouldn't have considered an online affair "too bad". TAM has taught me a lot about cheating and now after reading about other marriages that have been destroyed by online affairs, I do now think online affairs as cheating and do believe that they destroy marriages but the level of betrayal is a spectrum for me. IMO.
My W knows I am on TAM but probably not necessarily discussing details regarding our marriage. Don't really know how she would feel about it. In all fairness though, this is stuff that I would gladly (and have) discussed with her. I just like to talk things out first (usually in my head first, but that is where TAM helps as it lets me get thoughts down on paper). Maybe it is a bit of overthinking, but I find our conversations go better after I have sorted my thoughts out vs just saying whatever comes to mind.

The way I look at it, if you are directing energy (sexual, emotional, etc..) away from your spouse (whether it be online on in person), you are quickly moving into what I consider an affair. I personally still consider a physical affair the most damaging (i.e. for me there is no going back, an online or EA I would be willing to at least try to talk through).
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