I am a hurt Husband not sure what to do
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-11-2011, 08:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I am a hurt Husband not sure what to do

I am totally confused and can't think straight. So far we had been married for 21 years, about 8 years ago, she told me the I love you and not in love with you speech. I was devastated and started being nice to her and acknowledged that I wasn't the best husband but will show my love for her. She refused any counseling. Throughout the years we kinda made up, but still had some arguments and resentments toward each other. I had asked if there was anyone else, she said no at the time. She leaves for work at 7 am go to gym after work and comes home around 8:30 pm. She comes home between 9 and 9:30 pm every weekday now since summer. My strong gut feeling told me something is going on, I asked her and she assured me nothing was going on. She would kiss me and hug me before and work and when she comes home. Early November 2011, I went by her work in the morning and did not see her car, I called her and she said that she was at work and while on the phone she was pretending to say hi to her coworkers, I told her I did not see her car, she paused and said that she is in front of a store in a strip mall. I met her there. My knee jerk reaction was furious, I asked her angrily who she was meeting, why she lied, I never trusted you. She said she was just sitting in the car smoking and that she had told me that we had been over for a long time and she wanted out, but no one else involved. I told her to f*** off and I left. I then tried to make up to her the next day and gave her flowers for over-reacting. She said that it will not do any good, it is over and this will be our family's last holiday together. 3 weeks later, I found out she goes to someone's house. I continued to track her and she goes to this house quite often. I recognized the car parked in front of the house to be someone from the health club, it belongs to a male. I do not work out with her at same time as I had to be home with the children. I had not confronted her yet, not sure what to do. We have 4 children, 2 in grade school and 2 in college living at home and I love them very much, I am always home in the evening for them. They all know my wife and I have some problems, but I do not want to break this family apart. I may had lost opportunities these last 8 years to reconcile for I had not done a good job for I did not know how due to emotional roller coaster I had been in. She is very angry at me and resents me. Will someone with objective mind please tell me what I should do? I can't think straight right now. I am going to go to a counselor to help me cope with the pain, just waiting on appointment. I had lost sleep and appetite since. Any advise is greatly appreciated.
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Old 12-11-2011, 09:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a hurt Husband not sure what to do

Your wife has been cheating on you for a long time. This may not be her first affair, as the vast majority go undetected forever. The fact that you found out about this one makes it likely there were others.
First, se a lwayer and read up on the 180. Expose her affair far and wide to anyone that has influence over her. This includes your kids and in laws etc.
Have no doubt you got this right, despite any denials she may make. She is definitely having an affair and unless she wants to quite and reconcil, there is nothing you can do,
The measures such as exposure , the 180 and stopping access to mutual family funds are designed to break up the affair. Until the affair stops, there is zero chance to reconcile.
You will make it , even if she elects to continue cheating and to divorce. In fact, despite your concerns re the kids, divorce is , often, the fastest way for a betrayed spouse to heal.
Also, see you doctor to see if meds will help with the sleeping and eating.
The most important piece of advic I can give you, after years of research, is that you should not accept or feel that you and any deficiencies you nmay have had in the marriage played a role in her decision to cheat. I know that sounds incorrect. But, at this point, virtually all Betrayed spouses magniify their flaws(everyone, including your wife has them) and want to accept responsibility that is not theirs.
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Old 12-11-2011, 09:06 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a hurt Husband not sure what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by ski123
3 weeks later, I found out she goes to someone's house. I continued to track her and she goes to this house quite often. I recognized the car parked in front of the house to be someone from the health club, it belongs to a male.
You may want to place a few VARs (voice activated recorders) underneath the seat of her car, and inside the house (like the bathroom, bedroom, etc). Chances are good that she's having an affair and if she is, the VAR will record her conversations with the OM (other man).

If you haven't had any sex with her for some time, I'd send a piece of her undergarment (preferably one she used on the day of one her meetings with OM) to a lab to check for traces of semen.

If you have access to her cell phone bill, check for high volume usage to certain phone numbers. Add and write down the amount of time per day she calls that number(s).

The point is to gather conclusive evidence that she won't be able to dismiss it as delusional thinking on your part.

Lastly continue going to counseling so that you begin to heal no matter what happens to your marriage.
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Old 12-11-2011, 09:28 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a hurt Husband not sure what to do

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Originally Posted by ski123 View Post
I am totally confused and can't think straight. So far we had been married for 21 years, about 8 years ago, she told me the I love you and not in love with you speech.

That is the time when she started cheating...


I was devastated and started being nice to her and acknowledged that I wasn't the best husband but will show my love for her. She refused any counseling. Throughout the years we kinda made up, but still had some arguments and resentments toward each other. I had asked if there was anyone else, she said no at the time.

Of course she will say they is no one else because cheaters lie,and humiliate the ones that love them...

You can be nice to her but she wont stop cheating and this bad behavior until you confront her and then immediatelly expose her to your children,your family,her family and all his family and his wife if he is married...

And the two of you made up only because she is cake eating...she has you for financial suport and for taking care for the children and she has the OM for sex...


My strong gut feeling told me something is going on, I asked her and she assured me nothing was going on. She would kiss me and hug me before and work and when she comes home. Early November 2011, I went by her work in the morning and did not see her car, I called her and she said that she was at work and while on the phone she was pretending to say hi to her coworkers, I told her I did not see her car, she paused and said that she is in front of a store in a strip mall. I met her there. My knee jerk reaction was furious, I asked her angrily who she was meeting, why she lied, I never trusted you. She said she was just sitting in the car smoking and that she had told me that we had been over for a long time and she wanted out, but no one else involved.

Just confront her with evidence and if possible confront her infront of the older children and then expose her because that is the only way to stop the cheating and try to work on marriage...

And when you confront and expose her,never beg her to stay,and dont be needy because this will drive her away...

File for divorce after you expose her because she must see that you are serious and that you respect yourself and your children...And dont cry infront of her and always be calm and cold when you talk with her...

Dont leave your home because she is the one who cheated and she should move out...


She said that it will not do any good, it is over and this will be our family's last holiday together.

You have nothing to wait and you have nothing to lose because she is gone for a long time already...just confront,expose and file for divorce as I said above...

I had not confronted her yet, not sure what to do. We have 4 children, 2 in grade school and 2 in college living at home and I love them very much, I am always home in the evening for them. They all know my wife and I have some problems, but I do not want to break this family apart. I may had lost opportunities these last 8 years to reconcile for I had not done a good job for I did not know how due to emotional roller coaster I had been in. She is very angry at me and resents me. Will someone with objective mind please tell me what I should do? I can't think straight right now. I am going to go to a counselor to help me cope with the pain, just waiting on appointment. I had lost sleep and appetite since. Any advise is greatly appreciated.

First her cheating is and never was your fault...She is 100 % responsible for the cheating and the both of you are 50 %responsible for marriage problem but cheating is her and only her responsability...

You must tell your children what is going on because they deserve to know as they are the part of family...and NO you wont break your family because your family is already broken by her and only her because she gave up on the family a long time ago...

She is angry and resents you because she is living in a fog and in a fantasy with OM for a long time...With OM there are no bills to pay,no children problems and no tough decisions to make and for that its called an fantasy...

So you must confront,expose and file for divorce...And dont be afraid of divorce because if things work out you always can stop the divorce...

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Old 12-11-2011, 09:47 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a hurt Husband not sure what to do

Ski, welcome aboard, and I'm sorry for your situation.

My take is to just divorce her. I have 3 kids, teens/20's, and understand your confusion about how the kids fit into the equation. I am a big proponent of keeping the family together. I stayed for my kids through a lot of bad years, as did my wife. We are working hard to make things work.

Yet I still think that your marriage has been dead for a long time. Your wife has moved on completely. She has not been treading water, she has totally moved on. There seems to me to be no reason to believe that she wants to make your marriage a good healthy or happy marriage.

You can try to kill her affair by exposure, and try to lure her back in to the relationship with you. The fact that she checked out so many years ago makes me think she will not be coming back.

I think the first thing to do is STFU with your wife. Don't tell her anything that you know about her affair(s).

Second, consult with an attorney to find out how things work in your location. What are your rights in terms of custody? Alimony? Is there any legal benefit to gathering evidence of her affair?

And then I would file for divorce. If she makes a real, credible, and substantial effort to reconcile, you can decide to suspend divorce proceedings if you want to.

Also, get yourself tested for STDs immediately. Don't have any sexual contact with her until the results are back. And sorry to say this, but get your younger kids DNA tested. For your peace of mind it will be worth having it done.

Just take things one day at a time. You'll get through this better and stronger.
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Old 12-11-2011, 09:57 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a hurt Husband not sure what to do

Thor is right. Her affairs have been going on for 8 years. It may be extremely difficult to change her mindset. She doesnt respect you anymore, so you cant make her love you like before.

Get yourself tested for the full panel of STD and hepatitis. Stop having sex with her.
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Old 12-11-2011, 10:07 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a hurt Husband not sure what to do

Are any of the men working in health clubs not banging married women?

Call the manager/owner and let him know what is going on.
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Old 12-11-2011, 10:12 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a hurt Husband not sure what to do

I agree. The fastest way to healing is to divorce her asap.
I know,I know, ths is not the warm fuzzy"you can have a stronger marriage" advice. But, the reality is that very few marriages survive this.
Gather the evidence, as has been suggested, for your own peace of mind and so you have no doubt down the road. But, really, consider just divorcing her.
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Old 12-11-2011, 11:16 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a hurt Husband not sure what to do

File for divorce, move her out, request you have the kids full time, sure her worthless cheating butt for child and spousal support.

Expsore her cheating to friends, family, coworkers and the health club.

Do not be a doormat, actually don't continue to be a doormat, take take back control and show her you won't continue living being the cuckold you've been.
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Old 12-11-2011, 11:40 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a hurt Husband not sure what to do

Implement The 180 degree rules but also implement Just Let Tem Go as well.
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Old 12-11-2011, 11:44 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I think I'm glad that I never found out about the affair at my abode until she came to me suggesting I find other accommodations. My decision was simple. I filed for divorce and moved on the very next day.
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Old 12-11-2011, 11:46 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Find out who the OM is. If he is married/partner, you must expose him to his wife. Your wife is having an affair. Nothing you say to her will resonate with her cause she is HIGH as a kite right now on the affair chemicals.

The best thing you can do is as Mori said--let her go.

Agree with her--tell her"Wife, I know you want out and while I love you, I also am not going to stop you from leaving. Because I deserve 100% and if you cannot give that to me, then I am not going to wait around for you."

Find out who dou*chebag is and out him!!!
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Old 12-11-2011, 01:51 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I say, if she wants to go, let her go to OM. However, if I were you, I would find out as much as possible about this OM. I will gather all the evidences I can and expose it to your older children, your family and inlaws.

The way I see it is even if this does end in divorce, I assure you she will try everything blaming this on you, and you should do what you can to make sure everyone know her leading this double life for many years.

With such effort, there are chances that she may realize her wrongdoing and come back to you. If such does happen, you can consider taking her back, and if not, then she is a lost cause.
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Old 12-11-2011, 06:44 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Thank you for all your replies.

Unfortunately, I was hoping for better news. The general consenus is to expose the wife's infidelity, do the 180 and divorce her.

I still need to gather proof of the affair, all I can tell is she goes to the guy's house, how should I get the proof?

Do I do the 180 now before confronting her with proof?

Also, the OM does not work at the health club, just a member.

I live in a no fault state, will I lose my house and children?
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Old 12-11-2011, 06:59 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a hurt Husband not sure what to do

Get her phone records, buy a voice activated recorder and put it under her car seat with heavy duty velcro. You can get the VAR at Best Buy, Walmart, etc. This is to record their conversations, phone calls.

Put a keylogger on her computer.

Do the 180 now, this is for your benefit.

Don't be surprised when you man up and bust her if she doesn't want to reconcile.

Is the other man married or have a girl friend?

Put a GPS on car or phone . Take pictures at OM's house.

Depending on what kind of phone she has, you may be able to retrieve her text messages.
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