Would You Leave the Dude? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 129 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 02:51 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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Sounds like the exact same situation. It's nice to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Thank you for taking the time to read my story!
There IS light, trust me. I'm on my second marriage, just reconciling after a tough patch, but I can say that the difference is that I am now married to a man who is open to me. He tells me pretty much everything, even when it hurts. And he is committed to our counseling and making personal changes, whereas my ex-husband wanted to sweep everything under the rug.

One last attempt I might suggest is to sit down with your husband and just lay it on the line. Tell him you know something is going on and you want true admission of everything or you are walking. If he balks, denies it, ect you know nothing will ever change. If he admits wrongdoing be prepared to offer a counseling plan. The only way you can move forward is if he is going to be brutally honest.

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post #17 of 129 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 02:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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There IS light, trust me. I'm on my second marriage, just reconciling after a tough patch, but I can say that the difference is that I am now married to a man who is open to me. He tells me pretty much everything, even when it hurts. And he is committed to our counseling and making personal changes, whereas my ex-husband wanted to sweep everything under the rug.

One last attempt I might suggest is to sit down with your husband and just lay it on the line. Tell him you know something is going on and you want true admission of everything or you are walking. If he balks, denies it, ect you know nothing will ever change. If he admits wrongdoing be prepared to offer a counseling plan. The only way you can move forward is if he is going to be brutally honest.
Sweeping things under the rug nailed it. I guess I'm guilty of that too- but I dont like seeing my words hurt him and when I bring stuff up I know it makes him feel awful. Doesn't that sound silly? Considering how awful he makes me feel? I really hope I can be as communicative as you suggest!
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post #18 of 129 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 03:00 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

You should have left him after you first discovered the transgressions. You didn't and you've suffered for 4 YEARS because you were "too embarassed" about what people might have thought about you leaving a man who had proven his dishonesty beyond the shadow of a doubt.

I can't think of one good reason to perpetuate this sham of a marriage for one more day.

Can you?

Things are more like they are now, than they ever were before - Dwight D Eisenhower
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post #19 of 129 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 03:09 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

Pixel, I feel I must say this to you: You cannot change your past reactions to his infidelity. Don't beat yourself up about it. Today is a new day, and you know he is again being inappropriate. Enough is enough, and you've given the benefit of the doubt, given him time to change, ect. Today this is about YOU. You are driving the bus on this now, and I want you to get that fight in you. He should respect you enough to cut the crap and be honest or you should walk. Make sure you are there mentally before you issue that ultimatum and be prepared to know he is lying to you (if he says nothing is going on) and simply, quietly, take your life back. I wouldn't fight or argue..I would calmly say, "I know what is going on and it's unfortunate that you won't admit it. I need to be in a relationship with an honest partner. I wish you the best."

It may be the hardest thing you ever do to stay calm and collected, but get yourself there mentally before you start the convo. That's just how I would do it!
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post #20 of 129 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 03:11 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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I hope so! I'm so scared
Fear of taking that step paralyzes us. So here's what you do. Instead of just leaving, start planning to leave. Look at apartments, start saving money, separate your income from his, get important documents together (tax returns, bank statements). Do this quietly. Talk to an attorney.

I think you will be less afraid to take the step when you realize you are prepared to handle it.

Then decide whether you want to try counseling or just call it quits.
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post #21 of 129 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 03:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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You should have left him after you first discovered the transgressions. You didn't and you've suffered for 4 YEARS because you were "too embarassed" about what people might have thought about you leaving a man who had proven his dishonesty beyond the shadow of a doubt.

I can't think of one good reason to perpetuate this sham of a marriage for one more day.

Can you?
The only reasons I can think of are I guess what you would call the sham... the laughs, the fun, the stuff we've achieved. But it's all masking the darkness underneath, which makes the laughs not real.
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post #22 of 129 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

This doesn't sound good.

What do you want to do?

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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #23 of 129 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 04:03 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

You know what's going on. He knows what's going on because he is the one doing it. You don't need to prove anything to him about what he already knows to be true. Base your decisions on what you know to be true.

Also, consider how you would feel if you found out your husband, who says he wants to be childless, got another woman pregnant. He's not safe. That could happen.

Think about this. Is this how you want to continue to live? Do you really think it hasn't gone physical? It is very likely that your husband has been physically cheating on you at least from time to time. People don't really text sexually and then do nothing about it. Once you tell someone you want to do this that and the other thing to them, it doesn't remain a fantasy. It's not a fantasy. It's a plan. Think about that and make your own plan accordingly.

He may have many excellent qualities, but faithfulness is not one of them.

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post #24 of 129 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 04:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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This doesn't sound good.

What do you want to do?
I want things to be like I thought they were.

I don't want this

So I guess again, I've answered my own question
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post #25 of 129 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 04:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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You know what's going on. He knows what's going on because he is the one doing it. You don't need to prove anything to him about what he already knows to be true. Base your decisions on what you know to be true.

Also, consider how you would feel if you found out your husband, who says he wants to be childless, got another woman pregnant. He's not safe. That could happen.

Think about this. Is this how you want to continue to live? Do you really think it hasn't gone physical? It is very likely that your husband has been physically cheating on you at least from time to time. People don't really text sexually and then do nothing about it. Once you tell someone you want to do this that and the other thing to them, it doesn't remain a fantasy. It's not a fantasy. It's a plan. Think about that and make your own plan accordingly.

He may have many excellent qualities, but faithfulness is not one of them.
Coincidentally, the OW has a child that I swear could be his so yes, that thought has crossed my mind!

You're right about not having to prove what I know to be true, because he probably has so much more in his head that he also knows to be true. Maybe this will put him out of his misery.

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post #26 of 129 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 04:21 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

Hell no, I would NOT leave him. I'd kick his a$$ way way out onto the curb and never look back.
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post #27 of 129 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 04:56 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

Between the smiles and the tears, is one more truthful than the other?

Things will never be as they were, those moments have passed... and often thankfully when it has to do with that which hurts us.

Simple truths are best where complex lies cloud our clarity and the truths you give yourself are the clearest of all...
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post #28 of 129 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 06:10 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

You are young, self supporting, no children. What are you afraid of?

Look up Codependent. Learn to live life for yourself and not depend on others to make you happy.
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post #29 of 129 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 07:03 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

Why is it so hard to do what we know is the right thing to do, even though we know we have been deliberately, systematically and cruelly wronged by the one we love?

I have ignored many red flags my whole marriage because I did not have the conclusive proof I felt I needed to push me to get out. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt but now I have something more tangible about what is happening now I feel relieved, although sorry I have wasted all these years, and I am trying to get my head around the very scary prospect of leaving and moving on.

Yesterday I read a couple of articles about decision making and not settling which are helping me see things a little differently. Instead of worrying all my time about how scared I am and how difficult it will be, I am looking for the solutions to my worries and in a strange way looking forward to the challenge (at least more than I was before).

With my feelings and confidence, some days it's one step forward two steps back but overall I'm feeling a little less scared. Look after yourself Pixel. You're young, childless and have everything to gain from leaving imo because you'll be getting away from the daily torment that living with underlying suspicion brings.
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post #30 of 129 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 07:25 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

You married a man who was not marriage material.

Perhaps if he was not a repeat offender I'd say there was a good chance of healing. Unfortunately, he has a chronic problem and it's not your fault.


If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.

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