Would You Leave the Dude? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #31 of 122 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 10:06 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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Originally Posted by Pixel View Post
I want things to be like I thought they were.

I don't want this

So I guess again, I've answered my own question
Sounds like he's always been a cheat, so there really was no "were", unless you mean go back to being naive of his cheating ways.
Sorry, but once Pandora's box is opened , it can never be closed. You're in a good position. You haven't been together very long, you have your own money and livelihood. Do yourself a BIG favor and Give him the boot. You don't need any more evidence than what you know in your heart already and his behavior will not change. Read here long enough and you'll see it time and time again. You sound like a catch. Find someone who can appreciate it.

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post #32 of 122 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 10:57 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

The answer to this question can help with almost every decision in life, including yours.

"Is the fcking I'm getting worth the fcking I'm receiving?"

Well, is it?
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post #33 of 122 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 01:55 AM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

Some guys always want more. He may not have cheated IRL but all the secrets are bad enough and I fear this has gone on so long that no therapy would even help. Sorry you are in this and good Luck
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post #34 of 122 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 08:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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The answer to this question can help with almost every decision in life, including yours.

"Is the fcking I'm getting worth the fcking I'm receiving?"

Well, is it?
No, not really. Thank you for this.

Question for anyone else who has been through this: Have you ever pumped yourself up all day to have "the talk" and then you get home and everything is so...*normal* and he's so good to you that you can't get the words out of your mouth?
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post #35 of 122 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:10 AM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

Yes, I have been there. You tell yourself this is NOT SO GOOD, he is NOT SO GOOD. Good would not be engaging in this activity, good would be respecting your partner. YOURS NEVER HAS. its an act. And it seems convincing but its not.

Tell him its over and either kick him out or move out yourself. You know its not NORMAL...infact its SO abnormal to pretend.

Please...dont bother gearing up for that talk if you think you can't do it. Go to a lawyer and file and have him served. He will understand. then you can have that conversation. Don't bother now. He will try to persuade you.
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post #36 of 122 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:58 AM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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No, not really. Thank you for this.

Question for anyone else who has been through this: Have you ever pumped yourself up all day to have "the talk" and then you get home and everything is so...*normal* and he's so good to you that you can't get the words out of your mouth?
All the time! And you hate to hurt them. But it's gotta happen, you're protecting yourself, not inflicting hurt on them. They did it to themselves, remember? It's definitely hard when they still seem like such a good person.

Just remember, actions speak louder than words. You know what's going on. You don't need to wait for it to be flung in your face. He might gaslight the hell out of you, try to make you feel like you're crazy. You know what? That's not the sign of someone who cares about you.

There's no kids to worry about here. There's nothing to tether you here other than the fact that you had fun with him at times. But you don't deserve this (and btw, SCREW Whatsapp with a dirty spoon -- is it specifically MARKETED to cheaters?). So get that lawyer, file the papers, you've got time to think, the balls in your court. Don't let him convince you nothings wrong.

Something is VERY wrong.

And in my opinion, yes, he's slept with her, or others. Sexting is not like porn, it's a prelude, not a substitute. I would be willing to bet (and speaking from my own experiences) that it has been physical at least a handful of times already.

Nice guys can be d*ckbags too! But you already know that I think.
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post #37 of 122 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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And in my opinion, yes, he's slept with her, or others. Sexting is not like porn, it's a prelude, not a substitute. I would be willing to bet (and speaking from my own experiences) that it has been physical at least a handful of times already.

Nice guys can be d*ckbags too! But you already know that I think.
Someone told me recently that I've probably discovered 10% of the situation. Like think about it- over the last 5.5ish years, I've caught him 3 times. So ya, I wouldn't be surprised at what the other 90% is. He's for sure slept with her.

I had NO idea something like Whatsapp was so prevalent with cheaters. Do I live under a rock!?
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post #38 of 122 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:38 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

He's using a work phone (and most likely working hours) to conduct a sexting relationship and possibly a full blown affair? Go to his HR department NOW. He's not only cheating you, he's cheating his employer as well. I've worked in HR, and I've seen people fired for this kind of behavior. And BTW, businesses tend to get really upset when their company-provided cell phones and call records get subpoenaed for evidence in court. Assuming you file an at-fault divorce which you may very well not want to do.

Unless theres a chance you could get stuck paying spousal support if he got fired. If that's the case, wait until the divorce is final to expose to his employer.

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
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post #39 of 122 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:42 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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Someone told me recently that I've probably discovered 10% of the situation. Like think about it- over the last 5.5ish years, I've caught him 3 times. So ya, I wouldn't be surprised at what the other 90% is. He's for sure slept with her.

I had NO idea something like Whatsapp was so prevalent with cheaters. Do I live under a rock!?
Before its happened to you, (being cheated on) you are blissfully ignorant of the WORLD OF INFIDELITY, its a magical place... Not.

I have learned so much about human nature, applications, you name it since discovering my husbands extracurricular activities.

I agree 100% if you have had a bunch of D days, you can't possibly believe you found out all he has done.

I believed my husband was still lying after a year and a half and finally had to break down and Polygraph my husband. He passed, but i had about month of TT before hand. And i would still find details out up to 6 months after first D day.

I would say LEAVE THIS DUDE...but if you chose to stay, make a polygraph a requirement.

Last edited by threelittlestars; 01-11-2017 at 01:11 PM.
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post #40 of 122 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 03:16 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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Someone told me recently that I've probably discovered 10% of the situation. Like think about it- over the last 5.5ish years, I've caught him 3 times. So ya, I wouldn't be surprised at what the other 90% is. He's for sure slept with her.

I had NO idea something like Whatsapp was so prevalent with cheaters. Do I live under a rock!?
Well I was apparently living under that rock right alongside you

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post #41 of 122 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 03:19 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

If you want your proof... If you strongly suspect the work phone and its locked up 24/7 in the work car. Just simply demand to see it. Dont over complicate this (thanks farside). It doesnt need to be complicated.

He will either throw a fit or give you the phone. you will know by his reaction. But if he does give you the phone. Then what? I suspect he will make a stink and gaslight. Blame you for being controlling etc. dont buy it. its BULLSHYP!

I dont recommend the above because its all obvious. And yes you more then likely only know the tip of the iceberg.

Bottom line- no kids no problem. You sound like an intelligent giving (to a fault) women. A good man would be lucky to find you because you deserve better. know your worth!

Alot of BS's have that .0000001% doubt of affairs and stick around for years because of that doubt. They think it makes things easier. The bottom line is no matter what it will hurt, to know may make the decision easier but in the end you will still experience the pain and loss of everything you knew. Dont wast another 4 years of your short life.
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post #42 of 122 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 03:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

Ya, that doubt is what's keeping me here I guess. Like WHAT IF I'M WRONG?! HE'S SO NICEEEE TO ME AND EVERYONE ELSE.

Such a waste. Such a sad sad waste. What an IDIOT.
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post #43 of 122 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 04:35 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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Ya, that doubt is what's keeping me here I guess. Like WHAT IF I'M WRONG?! HE'S SO NICEEEE TO ME AND EVERYONE ELSE.

Such a waste. Such a sad sad waste. What an IDIOT.

You are not the first to make mistakes. We have all been there. I probably made the worst of them all... by doing a sh1tty R then having a child. and look.. I'm back..

You had an idea in your head and stuck with it. no one can fault you for that and dont fault yourself. Learn... Time to remove the head from the sand, take the red pill. Do what YOU need to do. What do YOU need? figure that out and DO.
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post #44 of 122 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 05:51 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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Ya, that doubt is what's keeping me here I guess. Like WHAT IF I'M WRONG?! HE'S SO NICEEEE TO ME AND EVERYONE ELSE.

Such a waste. Such a sad sad waste. What an IDIOT.
There is a book out called "No More Mr. Nice Guy." I don't advocate a lot of his methods in the book, but the book is worth reading to understand someone who seems so nice, but is really a jerk in disguise. The issue is that he wants everyone to like him. His reputation is the most important thing to him. It's all about the outside, but the inside is a disaster.

"Nice guys" have all sorts of ways of acting out that hurt others. But they don't take responsibility. They will lie, cheat, hid, whatever it takes to feel okay, but the things they do only make it worse. You cannot fix someone like this. They have to be willing to change and it takes a lot of work and likely a lot of therapy.

I recommend that you read the first chapters that describe the "nice guy syndrome" and see if it looks like your husband. That will help open your eyes to what's really going on. Once you understand him better, it should be easier to get out before it gets worse. I recommend you get the Kindle edition and start today if possible.

https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Ni...e+mr.+nice+guy
This book is available on PDF for free, if you Google it. Or you can purchase a hardcopy or a Kindle edition.

Also, I hope in the above comment, "IDIOT," was about your husband. You are not an idiot. You have simply fallen into his web of lies and deceit. It's really hard to face the truth when there are two sides to a person and the other is only visible for brief moments when you get to peek behind the curtain to see the truth.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #45 of 122 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 07:54 AM Thread Starter
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OK hi! I just wanted to give more clarity around the whatsapp situation. I feel like I need more proof but maybe you guys will tell me otherwise.

So my brothers live far away from me and we all have different types of phones. So our group texts weren't always successful... one of us would see the message the others wouldn't kind of thing. So my brother suggested using whatsapp to keep in touch.

I downloaded it and since it automatically downloads your contacts from your phone you can imagine my surprise when my hubby's work phone (the one he keeps in his car 24/7) showed up. His personal phone that's on him all the time did not show up.

Fun feature with what'sapp is you can see who is online and when they were last active. When I looked at his contact info he was active at that moment. And the next minute and the next and so on. I should note that I was at work and he was at home. So one would assume then that he had his work phone inside which I've never ever seen. Ever.

So I message him on his personal phone and said who are you talking to on whatsapp? He was like what, I dont have it. When I got home we got into it and he kept denying he had it on his work phone. The account has been inactive since the minute I called him out on it.

Now I guess I need to know, it's completely impossible for it not to have been him right? Like that app is downloaded on one's Phone and can not be accidentally someone elses Phone. He had to have had it and had to have been active. I'm not techy... can someone confirm?

I asked to see his work phone when I got home and he huffed and puffed and showed me but obviously by then everything had been deleted.

Please let me know what you know about this app and if I'm not crazy like he's making me feel.
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