Would You Leave the Dude? - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 124 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:34 PM Thread Starter
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Would You Leave the Dude?

Hey! New here- and quite frankly don't want to be here, but I know you all seem to understand that.

Want my story? The one that echos pretty much every other story on here? Ok!

So, I've been with my hubby for 9 years. Married for 5.5 years. Time flies. I'm 36 and he is 34. No kids, by choice.

If you knew him, you would be shocked by his behaviour. Shocked. He is so selfless, kind, gentle, generous. Or so I thought anyway! I can't look at him the same way any more. But I've let this situation drag on since a month before our wedding. Let me begin.

One month before our wedding I stumbled, innocently, across an email in his inbox. Innocently I promise! He handed me his phone to check something for him and I simply closed the email when I was done, out of habit and found myself in his inbox. It was from a girl named Lindsay. We didn't know any Lindsay's. So I said, who is Lindsay? He grabbed the phone from me, read the email and said she's my friend, you remember her and then let me read the email. It was a pretty mundane email... except she referred to me as "her". Red flag. I was being referred to in their conversations and not by name. I was "her".

Obviously I lost my mind and we got in a huge fight, but I had nothing to go on really, so the marriage went ahead. A beautiful wedding if I do say so myself! The huge fight forgotten- we seemed to be in a really good place! Fast forward one month.

I'm at work, minding my own business. Texting the day away with my husband, which was normal- just chit chatting about day to day things. All of a sudden a text comes in from him that was raunchy. Dirty. Filthy. And so entirely obviously not for me. Because it was quite clearly the second half of a full thought. The first part clearly made it to the intended recipient. I was floored. Livid. Confused. That night was filled with him denying, denying, yelling, screaming, crying (me). And eventually, like last time, I felt I had no choice but to let it go. I mean, if he wasnít going to admit it, and I couldnít get my paws on his phone, what else could I do?? I had no proof. We had just been married! I couldnít leaveÖ it was too embarrassing! And like he said, he didnít do anything! Right? Right.

Four years later I couldnít let it go. I lost it. I let that text eat at my soul for that whole time, trying to be the best wife possible (good years I should add! Good sex, career advancement, fun, laughter). But it ate at me. One night I drank too much and finally got him to admit that text wasnít for me. He was SO sorry and blah blah blah. I promised Iíd try to move on from it if he promised to not do that any more. Obviously Iím shortening this story, there are so many details but are you getting the idea? Fine. Again, I let it go.

Anyway. Present day. Iím going through a rough time with some family stuff- I needed him to be my person. And I just found out that heís at it again. Different approach this time- on his work phone using WhatsApp. But the result is still the same. And again, due to the nature of smart phones, I donít have concrete proof. He denies. I am left standing there like a fool being made to feel crazy. But I know.

So like, he will do it when we are engaged. He will do it as newly weds. He will do it when there is an illness in my family. When wonít he do it?

Did I just answer my own question?

I just donít understand. I donít get it. Iíve given him everythingÖ I take care of myself, our home, himÖ what am I missing? I canít live like this any more. Is his texting a sign of more beneath the surface? Has he had sex with this other person? Is it still the same person as it was before? Is it someone new? What does she have that I donít?

AnywayÖ is this story too vague, or do you guys get enough of the details to understand what Iím dealing with. I think I know what I should do- but Iím terrified of leaving him. I have my own moneyÖ we can sell our properties.. what am I so scared of? He is the last person I thought would hurt me in the world.

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post #2 of 124 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:41 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

You keep letting him away with it so why should he worry.Throw him out or else leave yourself,this relationship has been dead for years now it needs to be buried.
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post #3 of 124 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:42 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

Yes, you just answered your own question!

Yes, I would leave the dude! He has no respect for you and seemingly never has.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, I can relate to a lot of it. I stayed way too long, but am finally out of the relationship.
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post #4 of 124 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

Wow, two random strangers saying what I know deep in my heart was the biggest slap in the face ever- in a good way. Thanks you guys, and I'm sorry you can relate
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post #5 of 124 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:47 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

"Is his texting a sign of more beneath the surface?"

yes it is. he probably learned to play around and cheat early on and can't help it. it's probably an addiction that precludes him from
being a real husband unless he faces himself squarely and gets help (therapy).
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post #6 of 124 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:48 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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Wow, two random strangers saying what I know deep in my heart was the biggest slap in the face ever- in a good way. Thanks you guys, and I'm sorry you can relate
You'll feel so much better about life and yourself when it ends. Good luck!
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post #7 of 124 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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You'll feel so much better about life and yourself when it ends. Good luck!
I hope so! I'm so scared
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post #8 of 124 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:51 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

Seems like the only thing stopping you from leaving is proof that he's doing something inappropriate with the OW. Have tried going to the phone company and getting phone records or a voice activated recorder in his car?

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #9 of 124 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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Seems like the only thing stopping you from leaving is proof that he's doing something inappropriate with the OW. Have tried going to the phone company and getting phone records or a voice activated recorder in his car?
That's exactly it. Like I would have preferred to have found her underwear... then I could throw them down and say *THIS* is why I'm gone.

The issue is that he's now using his work phone for communication. It's in his work vehicle 24 hours a day- he never brings it inside. If it was on his personal phone I could- but as far as I know he stopped using that for his chats a few years ago when I caught him last. I think... maybe I should look into that further.

THANKS!
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post #10 of 124 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:59 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

It's a very personal decision if you should leave or not. It seems that otherwise you have a good marriage. This problem is fixable if he's self-motivated to change. He needs to truly decide in his heart to give up that behavior. But it will not be an easy fix and will likely have many pitfalls along the way.

Think of it similar to an alcoholic. It takes a long time to recover from that and there are many slipups along the way. Even when they are recovered, they're not necessarily cured. During times of stress or weakness, it's easy to give in and fall back to old habits.

It will likely be the same with this flirting addiction. Today he might be highly motivated and give it up, but what about months or years later? What if an old flame contacts him out of the blue? What if your relationship is going through a rough patch? Those longer-term, permanent changes are harder to accomplish.

You need to decide if you want to work through this with him. Is your relationship worth the effort it will take to get him to give it up and keep him clean for the rest of your lives? If you decide to stay, protect yourself with a post-nup legal agreement which gives you the bulk of the assets if he continues this adulterous behavior.

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post #11 of 124 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 02:15 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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I hope so! I'm so scared
I understand. I was terrified, but I also have kids and had none of my own money. I saved for years so that I could end it.
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post #12 of 124 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

My first husband was a serial adulterer within our marriage. He NEVER stopped, just changed techniques each time he was caught. It sounds like this is what is going on with your husband. My first husband was unable to be faithful. He easily lived a double-life, and was never genuine about anything with me. The day I kicked him out for good was the best day of my life. I can promise you that being alone is scary, but it's not nearly as scary as living with someone who can pull the rug on your security at any time. Honestly it seems like the rug was pulled on your security years ago and you find yourself constantly looking for further proof it;s happening again (rightfully so)..that is no way to live.

I'm sorry you're going through this. There are good men out there, and there is a life worth living that doesn't involve someone running around on you. Best of luck to you <3
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post #13 of 124 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 02:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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My first husband was a serial adulterer within our marriage. He NEVER stopped, just changed techniques each time he was caught. It sounds like this is what is going on with your husband. My first husband was unable to be faithful. He easily lived a double-life, and was never genuine about anything with me. The day I kicked him out for good was the best day of my life. I can promise you that being alone is scary, but it's not nearly as scary as living with someone who can pull the rug on your security at any time. Honestly it seems like the rug was pulled on your security years ago and you find yourself constantly looking for further proof it;s happening again (rightfully so)..that is no way to live.

I'm sorry you're going through this. There are good men out there, and there is a life worth living that doesn't involve someone running around on you. Best of luck to you <3
Sounds like the exact same situation. It's nice to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Thank you for taking the time to read my story!
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post #14 of 124 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 02:32 PM
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

I wouldn't have married him to begin with. Unless he was rich.
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post #15 of 124 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 02:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Would You Leave the Dude?

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I wouldn't have married him to begin with. Unless he was rich.
LOL he wasn't at the time, but he's done a lot better for himself lately. But so have I, so he can suck it!
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