You can't let her cheat on you. If she really needs to be with another man, then you need to divorce. I can promise you that no amount of extra-marital involvement will heal your marriage. Instead of each of you having 1 oz of pain, after she cheated, you would both have 4 ozs of pain.
I looked again but didn't see anything about marriage counseling. That's a must after something like this. Bring up her feelings (which are normal albeit destructive) to the counselor.
As a betrayed spouse, I can tell you that there is a part when you are angry that makes you want to run away or go screw someone else. That part of me loses any attraction as soon as I think about all the pain this whole thing caused, to everyone in my family. Her being intimate with another guy might feel nice for a few minutes, but when it was all said and done she will feel guilty, you will feel hurt, and none of your problems will be solved.
Don't appease her in this, don't feel like a hypocrite for saying no. If she must do this, tell her that you will have to end it, as painful as that will be, because you now know from personal experience that a marriage can't last with a third person involved.
ARM, What have you done to SHOW her that you are truly remorseful if I can ask? I don't want to hurt you, but had my husband acted like you did when he was found out, we wouldn't still be married right now. What are you doing to correct that situation?
There is nothing wrong with her wanting to get in touch with things she gave up, but it should include things to bring the two of you together also. Weekly date nights, etc. Is she unsure of whether she wants to be married to you still? That could throw a huge wrench in everything.
You are treating yourself like crap because of what you did (affair) and how you treated her in the past. It's going to hurt. Eventually, you will start to use it to drive real change in yourself. It will not happen overnight.
You might lose her. You might leave her as well. You both might make it through this and survive. Sorry to say that all options are on the table now.
Continue to be remorseful. Try not to beg so much. Instead, act, with remorse by being who she needs you to be and who you want to be. Don't be someone you can't be. That's another lie.
Keep talking with her about normal things like her day, chores that need to be done, etc. Remember the kind things that you have done for her in the past, and just do them when it feels right. Don't say "look what I did!" when you do them.
She needs to see you be remorseful, and also strong enough to help her get through this.
There is no quick fix pill for what you need. Understand and accept that it will take time.
There are very few marriages that survive going the route of 'open marriage' and those are the ones where the relationship between spouses is stronger than steel. The same cannot be said about your marriage.
If you choose to allow her to turn the marriage into an 'open marriage' you will loose her and then you will have nobody to blame but yourself. Count on it.
Oh her being free to cheat. On that you should say no. It won't help her, and it certainly won't help the marriage recover. Not for a minute. All it will accomplish is to hurt you and make her feel ashamed and lost.
I know you want to support her, but on that you must say no. Posted via Mobile Device
I do not think it is cheating. He voided the contract by breaking its terms, already. She has no obligation to remain faithful.
So, I think he shoud let her experience as much gratification as he did , so things will be fair.
Once the playing field is more level, and she has had a chance for the same type of fun and excitement, maybe she will be willing to reconcile.
No sense her going through life without having partaken in similar pleasurable activity.I am sure ,if he loves her, he would not want her to miss out on the fun he had.
ARM, What have you done to SHOW her that you are truly remorseful if I can ask?
I have:
Had zero contact.
Been honest and transparent in even the hard things - like saying that I did say I love you, a recounting of all the times I'd seen her
Had my computer at work and home and my phone monitored for calls, txts and web sites visited
Been home right away after work, never being alone or out unless with her or the kids.
My tears, my many many apologies and admitting that it was all my fault, my choice, my excruciating mistake.
Me, on my knees, telling her what a wonderful person she is and for dealing with me at all, that she owes me nothing but I want to hope for us.
Offer to be supportive and be considerate even if she decides to leave me.
Taking a more active role in the kids lives and making our lives better, being more in tune with their needs and feelings.
Willingness to be at her disposal to talk, rant to, invite her on dates, arrange babysitting and such.
I've been in counseling, and have read and practiced being a better person and identifying my patterns and how to avoid them
I've been excellent around the home, helping out wherever and whenever.
I'm attentive and considerate of her at all times, fetching, getting her things, asking if she needs anything, making lunches and breakfasts.
I've taken a day a week off work to spend with her or support her time to get out of the house, and take evenings as often as she needs them.
I've taken her on dates as often as we're able to and she is in the mood for.
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Originally Posted by DawnD
There is nothing wrong with her wanting to get in touch with things she gave up, but it should include things to bring the two of you together also. Weekly date nights, etc. Is she unsure of whether she wants to be married to you still? That could throw a huge wrench in everything.
She is absolutely unsure...if she wants to commit more of her life to someone that hurt her so badly. I want to give her time and space, but wanted to come close together, too. The pain is just too much and I cry knowing I've lost her.
It may be, and it may not be. That's her decision. It could be a deal breaker now, or in the future (years). That's the risk we cheaters have to live with.
Regardless, you need to be a better person. Do it for her, and you.
Right now you cannot even begin to fathom how she is feeling or what it feels like to her. There are simply no words to properly describe how bad it f-cks the betrayed up in the head. The pain doesn't even come close to anything you have ever felt or experienced before.
Ask her what you need to do in order to prove yourself to her. Definitely no contact with teh OW--for as long as you live. You must show her through ACTIONS you are committed to your marriage, because talk is cheap.
You do sound very remorseful. What a difference from some posters that come on here.
If she wants to take you back and save the marriage, great. If not, it's a loss you are going to have to accept.
When you talk to her and take full responsibility for your actions, etc. is she listening to you? Or are her eyes glazing over because she doesn't believe you? I will admit to her it probably looks like you are just trying to get her to get over it already. (Not saying that is the case, but its probably how she see's it).
Do you understand that she is probably still under the impression you are lying to her? She is going to wonder if this is the only affair, and if you are telling her everything. It can haunt people for a really long time, the unknown. Even if you are telling the absolute truth, she is still going to question it. Have you talked about marriage counseling?
I do not think it is cheating. He voided the contract by breaking its terms, already. She has no obligation to remain faithful.
In that case, then they should just make it official and 'bury the body' via a divorce.
Quote:
So, I think he shoud let her experience as much gratification as he did , so things will be fair.
Once the playing field is more level, and she has had a chance for the same type of fun and excitement, maybe she will be willing to reconcile.
Nobody is stoping her from having an affair, if that is what she wants. But just because he had an affair doesn't mean that he has to agree to stay married to her. Two wrongs don't make a right.
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No sense her going through life without having partaken in similar pleasurable activity.I am sure ,if he loves her, he would not want her to miss out on the fun he had.
She can experience those same pleasures without compromising her integrity.
In that case, then they should just make it official and 'bury the body' via a divorce.
Nobody is stoping her from having an affair, if that is what she wants. But just because he had an affair doesn't mean that he has to agree to stay married to her. Two wrongs don't make a right.
She can experience those same pleasures without compromising her integrity.
Re: Remorseful Husband seeking strength... 
