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post #16 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 07:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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If I recommend a poly, it's because the BS needs a slap in the face and to be convinced their spouse IS a liar. That said, how many of those of you who are saying you'd NEVER stay with someone under these circumstances have been cheated on? If you have, did you have a truly remorseful spouse?

This is just another way for you guys to spout off about how you'd NEVER stay with a cheater. Frankly it's getting kinda old. We get it - you're far far above those of us poor peons who have stayed with a cheater. You are so much better than us that we pale in your shadow.

I am not talking about your run of the mill cheater I am talking about someone who lied to you over and over to the point that you needed to pay someone to test them like a common criminal. Any decent person can do better then that, I don't care what your history.

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post #17 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 07:47 PM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph to...?

Because to some people, largely those who let fear of the unknown and/or fear of change rule their lives, "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't"

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post #18 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:11 PM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

Because sometimes the bs is actually just paranoid and has low self esteem and the alleged WS is actually not wayward


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post #19 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:12 PM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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Here is the person I have decided to spend the rest of my life and share everything with. Oh and they I also had to have take a polygraph to prove that they are truthful about how, and how many times they stabbed me in the back. Sounds like the basis for a great marriage.

I say for the person who is willing to accept this kind of life, get them help.

Verified honesty and truthfulness using a poly {or the threat of a poly} isn't the "basis for a great marriage" but it can be the starting point or foundation of a recovery process which then may or may not lead to a great recovery and later a great marriage.

A desperate former wayward spouse willing to subject themselves to such a test {degrading as it is} is also a demonstration of humility, shame and repentance. A willingness to do whatever it takes to demonstrate honesty can be reassuring to a unsure betrayed spouses considering reconciliation. They are obviously now aware their word is no good and that their betrayed spouse would be a fool to believe them so they WILLINGLY submit to a poly to prove that are now telling the truth.

Trying to fake or fool the polygrapher is a fool's game when your marriage that you're so desperate to save you're willing to take a poly in the first place is on the line ~~ just tell the truth ~ all of it and you've got no need to fool or trick the polygrapher at all.

That said, I prefer to have the betrayed spouses I help snoop out as much of the truth as they can get themselves so they don't have to rely on their wayward spouse to tell them anything or everything. If I suggest a poly it's almost exclusively to a betrayed wife dealing with a wayward husband's past affair that can't be snooped and such husband has lived an independent lifestyle for years {like he travelled extensively for work}. Discussions about or submission to a polygraph are often necessary to get them to come clean about everything with the understanding that honesty is the foundation of recovery, telling all the truth and getting the poly over with will actually be a relief to them {waywards often become new persons once they dump the burden of maintaining lies} and it's the only way I can or will help them rebuild their marriages. 9 out of 10 times the actual polygraph isn't even necessary or the betrayed spouse backs off the plan when they realize they may be asked to submit to a couple of questions too. The polygrapher is already there so why not get all the truth out there. Often waywards aren't the only persons holding onto some hurtful secrets and I like to gauge the betrayed spouse's level of honesty by throwing out that any polygraph may be a chance for them both to gain clarity and honesty from each other.

Agree with Hope1964 that this is just another thread bashing cheaters and another angle trying to convince us how great divorce is.

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen

Last edited by Quality; 01-10-2017 at 09:19 PM.
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post #20 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:29 PM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph to...?

Because to some people, largely those who let fear of the unknown and/or fear of change rule their lives, "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't"
Generally, they {the betrayed spouses} generally DON'T want to be married to their wayward spouse at the time a polygraph comes up and the polygraph is a tool the wayward spouse hopes to utilize to demonstrate they are now being honest and desperately hoping their betrayed spouse will change their mind and give them a chance at reconciliation.

Many posts tell betrayed spouses to watch closely what their {former} wayward spouse does and ignore what they say. ACTUALLY taking the polygraph is one way a wayward spouse can DEMONSTRATE through actions, not words, their sincere intention to REALLY undertake an honest recovery and that they follow through doing whatever it takes to work on the marriage.


A year or two down the road of recovery there is no difference between the pool of recovering couples that utilized a polygraph and those that did not. Polygraphs are just a convenient tool. It doesn't rebuild trust all by itself. Only time and consistency actually rebuild trust.

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen
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post #21 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:57 PM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

I think a polygraph is one way to find out if "one drunken kiss" was actually twenty fully-lucid blowjobs. The latter might be dealbreaker, the former not so much. For me, once the dealbreaker threshold was reached, I wouldn't need a polygraph to find out if there was more. Better to spend the money on an attorney.
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post #22 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 11:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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Verified honesty and truthfulness using a poly {or the threat of a poly} isn't the "basis for a great marriage" but it can be the starting point or foundation of a recovery process which then may or may not lead to a great recovery and later a great marriage.

A desperate former wayward spouse willing to subject themselves to such a test {degrading as it is} is also a demonstration of humility, shame and repentance. A willingness to do whatever it takes to demonstrate honesty can be reassuring to a unsure betrayed spouses considering reconciliation. They are obviously now aware their word is no good and that their betrayed spouse would be a fool to believe them so they WILLINGLY submit to a poly to prove that are now telling the truth.

Trying to fake or fool the polygrapher is a fool's game when your marriage that you're so desperate to save you're willing to take a poly in the first place is on the line ~~ just tell the truth ~ all of it and you've got no need to fool or trick the polygrapher at all.

That said, I prefer to have the betrayed spouses I help snoop out as much of the truth as they can get themselves so they don't have to rely on their wayward spouse to tell them anything or everything. If I suggest a poly it's almost exclusively to a betrayed wife dealing with a wayward husband's past affair that can't be snooped and such husband has lived an independent lifestyle for years {like he travelled extensively for work}. Discussions about or submission to a polygraph are often necessary to get them to come clean about everything with the understanding that honesty is the foundation of recovery, telling all the truth and getting the poly over with will actually be a relief to them {waywards often become new persons once they dump the burden of maintaining lies} and it's the only way I can or will help them rebuild their marriages. 9 out of 10 times the actual polygraph isn't even necessary or the betrayed spouse backs off the plan when they realize they may be asked to submit to a couple of questions too. The polygrapher is already there so why not get all the truth out there. Often waywards aren't the only persons holding onto some hurtful secrets and I like to gauge the betrayed spouse's level of honesty by throwing out that any polygraph may be a chance for them both to gain clarity and honesty from each other.

Agree with Hope1964 that this is just another thread bashing cheaters and another angle trying to convince us how great divorce is.
Let me break it to you, if someone lies to you to the point where you have to hire someone who normally normally test criminals to test your SO then you are never going to have a great marriage. EVER. Nope not with that power and abuse discrepancy and the only way you going to think you have one is if you are delusional. It's like trying to stay married to a repentant rapist. The WW may be a new person but to the person they lied to they are always in the back of their mind the person who hurt them the most in life. What you are talking advocating is a kin to Stockholm syndrome. It's not healthy and will never be healthy for the BS. What is in the best interest of the WS shouldn't even be considered at that point. Do we worry about the the guy who put bruises all over his wife's face?

No different then if you husband beats a wife to the point of putting her in the hospital. There are some things you can't and shouldn't try to recover from because the person doing the abuse has disqualified themselves as marriage material. Society and us as people trying to help them should trying to help BS stand up and get away from their abuser. Not actively encouraging them to go back to them.

The boards and anyone on them recommending even the possibility of trying to stay together when there is this kind of abuse is doing a morally WRONG thing. Many times it is out of the thought process that divorce devalues marriage. Nothing devalues marriage more then when people see someone staying in a marriage when they have been terribly and repeatably abused by their spouse. It makes people not want to get married. It makes marriage into a sham. It also shows an example of a marriage contract that gave someone destroys another persons soul and get away with it. (What a great advertisement for marriage!) No wonder so many don't want to get married now a days. How terribly misguided this marriage at all cost thought process it.

Divorce sucks, staying with someone who lied enough to you that you can't tell which way is up is monstrous. In this case divorce is a blessing. Anyone who advocates avoiding divorce at all cost whether for religious or any other reasons should be ashamed of themselves.

If you advocate anyone staying in this situation you may mean well but you are not "helping" anyone.
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post #23 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 11:38 PM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

I couldn't even ask a partner to take a poly with a straight face.

Trust in a relationship is overrated, though. You should never get yourself into any situation where you rely on the integrity of another individual. Always keep your radar on.
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post #24 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 11:42 PM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
If I recommend a poly, it's because the BS needs a slap in the face and to be convinced their spouse IS a liar. That said, how many of those of you who are saying you'd NEVER stay with someone under these circumstances have been cheated on? If you have, did you have a truly remorseful spouse?

This is just another way for you guys to spout off about how you'd NEVER stay with a cheater. Frankly it's getting kinda old. We get it - you're far far above those of us poor peons who have stayed with a cheater. You are so much better than us that we pale in your shadow.

I am personally incensed and not just because I'm attempting to reconcile my marriage to a woman who had an "emotional" affair but also met the OM and did not move forward physically, if the results of the polygraph test that I demanded were any indication. I did it in part because I knew it would not be easy on her after I'd made it plenty clear that our marriage was on its last leg and that failure was not an option. As Gus mentioned, the parking lot confession, the stark image of your relationship ending and the extreme stress of the preceding days is what works in its favour. It sends out a clear message - If you love me you can't take me for granted anymore. I can give you a first-hand account of just how fidgety and stressed my wife was in the days leading up to the test. It wasn't easy seeing her worried but I was also perversely happy that she was getting a taste of the stress and worry that I had in the previous weeks and months. Yeah.

The name lie detector is a misnomer because it isn't a machine that tells you facts on an absolute scale but rather measures your responses to lies by comparing your responses to absolute truths. I put my faith in an imperfect machine/system just like I put my faith in an imperfect human not unlike myself.

I love the virtue signalling that goes on with the threads started with a "Why would anyone want to...?".

Short answer to the question in the title - I don't ****ing know why I had her do a polygraph but she took it and the results convinced me and until I find out otherwise I am going to put my faith in the system and in her. Bully for you that you lot are stronger and stick to your ideals. I'm just a simple man who wants to try his best to keep his family together. I don't know why my wife wants to stay with a person who she had to give a polygraph or if she indeed wants to stay but at the moment I don't particularly care

Last edited by weltschmerz; 01-10-2017 at 11:48 PM.
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post #25 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 11:59 PM
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Cool Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

Sad to say, but by the time that rank suspicion rears its ugly head, that even with the polygraph examiners "exonerating report" on the WS, doubt will still be cast!

Just the mere suggestion of impropriety can often more than mitigate whatever the truth actually is!



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post #26 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:06 AM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

I wish you the best, weltschmerz. Seriously. I still wish I could have kept my family together and I'm 5 years post-D, but now that it's gone, I have a different perspective. Reconciling spouses should probably avoid reading this forum.
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post #27 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:31 AM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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Let me break it to you, if someone lies to you to the point where you have to hire someone who normally normally test criminals to test your SO then you are never going to have a great marriage. EVER. Nope not with that power and abuse discrepancy and the only way you going to think you have one is if you are delusional. It's like trying to stay married to a repentant rapist. The WW may be a new person but to the person they lied to they are always in the back of their mind the person who hurt them the most in life. What you are talking advocating is a kin to Stockholm syndrome. It's not healthy and will never be healthy for the BS. What is in the best interest of the WS shouldn't even be considered at that point. Do we worry about the the guy who put bruises all over his wife's face?

No different then if you husband beats a wife to the point of putting her in the hospital. There are some things you can't and shouldn't try to recover from because the person doing the abuse has disqualified themselves as marriage material. Society and us as people trying to help them should trying to help BS stand up and get away from their abuser. Not actively encouraging them to go back to them.

The boards and anyone on them recommending even the possibility of trying to stay together when there is this kind of abuse is doing a morally WRONG thing. Many times it is out of the thought process that divorce devalues marriage. Nothing devalues marriage more then when people see someone staying in a marriage when they have been terribly and repeatably abused by their spouse. It makes people not want to get married. It makes marriage into a sham. It also shows an example of a marriage contract that gave someone destroys another persons soul and get away with it. (What a great advertisement for marriage!) No wonder so many don't want to get married now a days. How terribly misguided this marriage at all cost thought process it.

Divorce sucks, staying with someone who lied enough to you that you can't tell which way is up is monstrous. In this case divorce is a blessing. Anyone who advocates avoiding divorce at all cost whether for religious or any other reasons should be ashamed of themselves.

If you advocate anyone staying in this situation you may mean well but you are not "helping" anyone.
Nice recovery-denial rant.

I don't advocate avoiding divorce at all cost to anyone. I've "helped" probably an equal number of betrayed spouses through the divorce process as the recovery process.

Yes, divorce sucks and God hates divorce but He has compassion for the betrayed spouse and provides a biblical "out" of marriage based upon adultery. This is a choice the betrayed spouse may choose to exercise or not. It is absolutely moral to help a betrayed spouse make that choice fully aware that sometimes individuals find happiness and fulfillment after divorce and others see their marriages recover and thrive after infidelity. I seek to help couples successfully down a path towards one or the other in a timely proactive manner versus being stuck somewhere in the middle.


If you don't like marriage - don't get married.
If you don't like recovery - don't recover
A poster choosing recovery or divorce doesn't validate or invalidate my choices.


My wife's affair over 20 years ago doesn't define me, her or our relationship. It's only the worst thing that ever happened to me because I haven't experienced much misfortune in life {yet}. The whole nightmare {for both of us} was consistent with and the result of a long line of un-Godly choices by both my wife and I. We thought we knew better than God. I had much to repent for, too; and, responsibility for my side of the street to account for. I'm proud of our marriage today and I'd no sooner throw my wife away than cut off my own leg. I may have had the right to divorce her for her adultery but our children, God and a host of angels rejoice that she repented and I choose not to harden my heart towards her and forgave her. She hasn't "abused" me since, nor I her.

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen
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post #28 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:42 AM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Let me break it to you, if someone lies to you to the point where you have to hire someone who normally normally test criminals to test your SO then you are never going to have a great marriage. EVER. Nope not with that power and abuse discrepancy and the only way you going to think you have one is if you are delusional. It's like trying to stay married to a repentant rapist. The WW may be a new person but to the person they lied to they are always in the back of their mind the person who hurt them the most in life. What you are talking advocating is a kin to Stockholm syndrome. It's not healthy and will never be healthy for the BS. What is in the best interest of the WS shouldn't even be considered at that point. Do we worry about the the guy who put bruises all over his wife's face?

No different then if you husband beats a wife to the point of putting her in the hospital. There are some things you can't and shouldn't try to recover from because the person doing the abuse has disqualified themselves as marriage material. Society and us as people trying to help them should trying to help BS stand up and get away from their abuser. Not actively encouraging them to go back to them.

The boards and anyone on them recommending even the possibility of trying to stay together when there is this kind of abuse is doing a morally WRONG thing. Many times it is out of the thought process that divorce devalues marriage. Nothing devalues marriage more then when people see someone staying in a marriage when they have been terribly and repeatably abused by their spouse. It makes people not want to get married. It makes marriage into a sham. It also shows an example of a marriage contract that gave someone destroys another persons soul and get away with it. (What a great advertisement for marriage!) No wonder so many don't want to get married now a days. How terribly misguided this marriage at all cost thought process it.

Divorce sucks, staying with someone who lied enough to you that you can't tell which way is up is monstrous. In this case divorce is a blessing. Anyone who advocates avoiding divorce at all cost whether for religious or any other reasons should be ashamed of themselves.

If you advocate anyone staying in this situation you may mean well but you are not "helping" anyone.


Bro, what's the point of this thread?

Why do you care if someone stays with a cheater? I don't get how it affects your life. I'm genuinely curious.


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post #29 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 02:00 AM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

For me, it's less about the polygraph itself or the results, and more about the reaction you get from requesting it.

The reaction usually says it all.

Or, to Gus' point, the parking lot confession does.


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post #30 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 03:15 AM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

either you have the stones to face reality and stay in the game or you don't.

what people do in order to help them reconcile or move on is up to them. suggesting that it is immoral to advise them on their chosen paths, or to provide them with enough information for them to choose a path, is one of the dumbest things i have ever heard.

what is immoral is telling someone that they are somehow weak or pathetic because they dont think or act the way someone else does.


@sokillme, criminals are not the only ones who have to take polygraphs. I have to take them, and its not because i have done anything wrong.

why do you keep trying to convince people that there is something wrong for wanting to or choosing to reconcile? that they are weak or pathetic? does it offend you that some people can reconcile and actually be happy?

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