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post #31 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 02:16 AM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

Because they love them and want closure?

Amongst other reasons?


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post #32 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 06:22 AM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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Originally Posted by OnTheRocks View Post
I laugh every time I see polygraph tests recommended here. They are junk science. If you get to that point, what is left to save? Plus, cheaters are accomplished liars. They've been practicing on you for a long time. I wouldn't bet $5 on the accuracy of the results.
I think more than the 'science' of a poly is the intimidation factor involved. For the most part, your average Joe has never taken one, and if he or she has been lying their face off about their cheating ways and are told they have an appt for a poly in 3 days, sometimes they sing like a canary.

But no, I would never stay with anyone who disrespected me SO much that I had to go to a polygraph expert just to try to get the truth out of his worthless ass. I'd be SO long gone.

And I agree, I find it terribly pitiful when a BS posts about how their cheater passed a polygraph. Then again, it's even MORE pitiful when a BS stays with a cheater who didn't pass a poly and they're STILL trying to 'reconcile' with the loser.

That's just the epitome of desperate.
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post #33 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 07:11 AM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
I think more than the 'science' of a poly is the intimidation factor involved. For the most part, your average Joe has never taken one, and if he or she has been lying their face off about their cheating ways and are told they have an appt for a poly in 3 days, sometimes they sing like a canary.

But no, I would never stay with anyone who disrespected me SO much that I had to go to a polygraph expert just to try to get the truth out of his worthless ass. I'd be SO long gone.

And I agree, I find it terribly pitiful when a BS posts about how their cheater passed a polygraph. Then again, it's even MORE pitiful when a BS stays with a cheater who didn't pass a poly and they're STILL trying to 'reconcile' with the loser.
That's just the epitome of desperate.
polygraphs read biometrics. nothing else. they look for changes in biometrics, which can be caused by thought alone.

recently, i took one and was letting my mind idle, waiting for the next question. in doing so, i suddenly realized that i had not exchanged my old body armor plates for the new ones, and only had about 60 hours to get back to my home state and exchange them before i deployed. that caused me to experience a sudden spike of anxiety. "****, i still need to exchange my plates!". it was one of those things that really mattered to me, so it caused me anxiety.

it messes with the test. polygraphs really cannot determine of someone is lying if they feel no guilt or anxiety in connection with the lie they are telling. most people, however, experience anxiety when they are lying. they are taught not to lie, so lying is not a normal thing. its not natural to them.

when it comes to someone rewriting history, it is entirely possible for them to actually believe the lies they tell themselves. they look for evidence to back it up. they see it everywhere. but, the one thing they still usually have an issue with is lying about things that they have done. hence why i will always suggest questions that address behavior rather than feelings.

"did you do this on this date, with this person, at this location," etc.


i can not speak for everyone, but as for myself, i dont need my wife, akinaura. i dont need her to be nice to me. i dont need her to cooperate with me. i dont really need anything from her. i find enjoyment in the struggle with her. i find enjoyment in seeing her grow as a result of my own actions. i chose to reconcile with her because i get something out of it. i dont think any less of her for her actions in the past, and i wont think any less of her for her actions now or in the future.

she gives me something that i cannot get alone. i could get it with anyone else on the planet, but since i have her already, ill get it from her.

i am going to build a legacy with this woman. as long as i am able to influence her behavior, she IS my legacy.

i want to leave a good one.

i wont toss her aside because i have decided to be who i am. so ill make her life as miserable or as joyful as she makes mine. i love the struggle and i love the rewards.

regardless, ill always be happy.

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post #34 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 10:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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Originally Posted by As'laDain View Post
either you have the stones to face reality and stay in the game or you don't.

what people do in order to help them reconcile or move on is up to them. suggesting that it is immoral to advise them on their chosen paths, or to provide them with enough information for them to choose a path, is one of the dumbest things i have ever heard.

what is immoral is telling someone that they are somehow weak or pathetic because they dont think or act the way someone else does.


@sokillme, criminals are not the only ones who have to take polygraphs. I have to take them, and its not because i have done anything wrong.
Obviously I mention criminals because in this context it's same.

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why do you keep trying to convince people that there is something wrong for wanting to or choosing to reconcile? that they are weak or pathetic? does it offend you that some people can reconcile and actually be happy?
I think since the happy are probably about 001% it is much better to encourage people to leave, the people who leave are about 99% happy.

Because it is the moral thing to do. It has nothing to do with being weak it has to do with settling for the lowest possible type of person in your life as your partner no less. Everyone should strive for better. All you have to do is read SI to see this 99% of the people who reconcile do it because of fear, and this is only encouraged by misguided people on there, many who also reconciled because of the same fear. Then they suffer for years mostly the rest of their lives. I hope anyone waffling will read these posts and draw some strength from them. YOUR LIFE WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER IF YOU LEAVE!

It's remarkable after the polygraph for instance, every post is about now there is a framework to build trust. Are these posters kidding. Like the person who was lying to you over and over again just weeks before is now trusted to never lie again, because they passed a poly, when they were absolute back into a corner and couldn't lie anymore. Like they can't and won't just start lying all over again. Lying is in their nature, it's what they do. What is the basis to say that there is a framework? This advice is just stupid and that that is the advice people are giving. The polygraph is celebrated as some sort of success. YOU ARE MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO LIED TO YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU NEED A MACHINE TO SEE WHAT WAS TRUE AND WHAT WERE LIES! There is not success in that, it's a tragedy. This should be common sense.

It's like encouraging the person, who was stolen from, to let the person who steals back in there house because they were caught and gave back the stuff. Yet this is what passes for good advice. All this when the person who has taken the poly has displayed the most despicable lack of character. News flash character doesn't change over night. Most of the time it doesn't really change at all. Nope, they finally after they were backed into a wall came clean, so all is good now, now you have your foundation. How can anyone encourage this in good conscience?

If a person is willing to lie that much it's in their nature, and just because they were busted doesn't mean their nature has changed. People encouraging someone to trust a person like that should be ashamed.

I am going to keep posting this over and over because I hope people will read this and see the truth. Get out get away from someone who has such a complete lack of character. Don't base your life and your future on them. You will suffer with them for the rest of your life, and in the end what do you get? A person who could look you in the eye and say they love you, and then spit at you behind your back. A person who is a proven liar, and will most likely lie to you again. A person who probably has no idea how to live an authentic life and will take a lifetime to learn using you as their test environment. And to do it you will have to subjugate your soul to some extent because you know deep down in your heart that you are settling. This is part of why you are in so much pain even years later, because you have given up control of your life to fear. Because you have given your agency to someone who abused you.

There is so much better our there for you but you have to be brave and leave.

Last edited by sokillme; 01-11-2017 at 11:03 AM.
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post #35 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:10 AM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
I get what it is for but I think it's really reality, common sense, and logic holding the BS back and not TT, and rightfully so. Reality is, no one should stay with someone who could degrade you in such a horrible way. You know who normally take poly's criminals and ex-cons. It's a shame that a polygraph is encouraged as a way to move forward.
I disagree. It can be lack of information.

It is a tool to help get you out of infidelity. If you new it went PA or not may help you decide how to move forward. Like any advice here, take what works for you and toss the rest. I personally don't see why a poly is any worse than: bugging your WS's car, key logging their computer or DNA testing kids. All are nominally not stuff you would do to your best friend, but when infidelity happens, the gloves need to come off.
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post #36 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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I disagree. It can be lack of information.

It is a tool to help get you out of infidelity. If you new it went PA or not may help you decide how to move forward. Like any advice here, take what works for you and toss the rest. I personally don't see why a poly is any worse than: bugging your WS's car, key logging their computer or DNA testing kids. All are nominally not stuff you would do to your best friend, but when infidelity happens, the gloves need to come off.
This is another great one that is just not factual, if you stay married you are never out of infidelity. It is a part of your marriage forever. It actually becomes the defining moment of your marriage and a lot of your relationship has to account for it. In a healthy marriage, this is not the case. Again read the posts of people 5, 10, 25 years out. It will always be mentioned, it will always be thought of every anniversary, if your kid is cheated on, when you see movies where infidelity is part of the story or hear about friends that were cheated on. There is no getting out of infidelity if you stay in the relationship where there is infidelity.

People always advise to get out of infidelity but never tell the truth that the only way to get out of infidelity is to leave the partner who cheated.
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post #37 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:37 AM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
This is another great one that is just not factual, if you stay married you are never out of infidelity. It is a part of your marriage forever. It actually becomes the defining moment of your marriage and a lot of your relationship has to account for it. In a healthy marriage, this is not the case. Again read the posts of people 5, 10, 25 years out. It will always be mentioned, it will always be thought of every anniversary, if your kid is cheated on, when you see movies where infidelity is part of the story or hear about friends that were cheated on. There is no getting out of infidelity if you stay in the relationship where there is infidelity.

People always advise to get out of infidelity but never tell the truth that the only way to get out of infidelity is to leave the partner who cheated.
so cheaters never change their stripes, got it. I disagree.

Also, getting the knowledge 'can' provide enough to make someone D, which is obviously the only course you are willing to accept. the guy who can't prove it was PA, and PA is a deal breaker, for example.

I read on here plenty, there are some that reconcile and the pain goes away.
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post #38 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:45 AM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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I disagree. It can be lack of information.

It is a tool to help get you out of infidelity. If you new it went PA or not may help you decide how to move forward. Like any advice here, take what works for you and toss the rest. I personally don't see why a poly is any worse than: bugging your WS's car, key logging their computer or DNA testing kids. All are nominally not stuff you would do to your best friend, but when infidelity happens, the gloves need to come off.
It's a matter of degree. Someone who VARs a car or keylogs a computer or even goes so far as to DNA test the kids may have strong suspicions but also acknowledge it could be all in their head (although probably a longshot at best).

Once you've gotten to the point that you don't trust your partner- to the point that a polygraph becomes the best option to determine if they're lying- then there's nothing left to save.

My opinion of course, I have never been in such a position and I hope that in the unlikely event it ever happens I would be strong enough to kick the highly suspected cheater/liar to the curb and not try to "save the relationship because of love and the need for closure".

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Originally Posted by naiveonedave View Post
so cheaters never change their stripes, got it. I disagree.

Also, getting the knowledge 'can' provide enough to make someone D, which is obviously the only course you are willing to accept. the guy who can't prove it was PA, and PA is a deal breaker, for example.

I read on here plenty, there are some that reconcile and the pain goes away.
The pain may "go away" more likely it's "deeply buried" but regardless, complete trust can never be regained.
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post #39 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:50 AM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

I put a VAR and keylogger in the same category as a polygraph. If I find one, I'm gone.

The reason is simple: none of these can prove something didn't happen, or won't happen in the future. All they can do is indicate that you were not caught *this* time. So they can never repair trust.


Imagine you had good reason to believe your spouse was cheating, but didn't have solid evidence. If they passed a polygraph would you completely trust them in the future, or would you keep in the back of your mind the idea that the tests are not prefect and maybe they just didn't get caught?


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Originally Posted by browser View Post
It's a matter of degree. Someone who VARs a car or keylogs a computer or even goes so far as to DNA test the kids may have strong suspicions but also acknowledge it could be all in their head (although probably a longshot at best).

Once you've gotten to the point that you don't trust your partner- to the point that a polygraph becomes the best option to determine if they're lying- then there's nothing left to save.

My opinion of course, I have never been in such a position and I hope that in the unlikely event it ever happens I would be strong enough to kick the highly suspected cheater/liar to the curb and not try to "save the relationship because of love and the need for closure".



The pain may "go away" more likely it's "deeply buried" but regardless, complete trust can never be regained.
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post #40 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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so cheaters never change their stripes, got it. I disagree.

Also, getting the knowledge 'can' provide enough to make someone D, which is obviously the only course you are willing to accept. the guy who can't prove it was PA, and PA is a deal breaker, for example.

I read on here plenty, there are some that reconcile and the pain goes away.
Even if they change their stripes you are still subjecting yourself to spend every day of your life with someone who horribly abused you. To do that you must dampen your soul and it's bad for you as a person. This is not a healthy choice.

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post #41 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:55 AM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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This is another great one that is just not factual, if you stay married you are never out of infidelity. It is a part of your marriage forever. It actually becomes the defining moment of your marriage and a lot of your relationship has to account for it. In a healthy marriage, this is not the case. Again read the posts of people 5, 10, 25 years out. It will always be mentioned, it will always be thought of every anniversary, if your kid is cheated on, when you see movies where infidelity is part of the story or hear about friends that were cheated on. There is no getting out of infidelity if you stay in the relationship where there is infidelity.

People always advise to get out of infidelity but never tell the truth that the only way to get out of infidelity is to leave the partner who cheated.
WOW ... that's some seriously "UNCOMFORTABLE" TRUTH. When I first read it, I hit the "like" button, and then it hit me ... I don't "like" it, as a matter of fact, I ****ing hate it, but that doesn't make it any less true, so I "unliked" it, and that didn't change the truth of it either.

I've been cheated on and D'd and I've been cheated on and R'd ... probably as successfully as possible ... both had completely different fact sets, financial considerations, times of life, etc. So I decided one way at one point and another at another point in my life. Although I have ACCEPTED this latest life choice as being the best for me based on this particular fact set and life stage, it doesn't diminish or invalidate the "TRUTHS" quoted above and to get "comfortable" with those truths simply requires a level of self-deception I don't possess.
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post #42 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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Yet people decide to try to spend the rest of their lives with people who abuse them this much. Other people encourage this, disgusting. What have we come to in society that people in these situations are not encouraged and helped to get out of them? It is a profound disgrace.
I'd of kept it more basic if starting a thread like this and called it:

Why would anyone want to be married to someone who fvcked another person?

But I agree with your rationale. It's frightening how many people think so little of themselves.

I really can't think of a WORSE way to disrespect your spouse. Then to accept it by staying with them?!?

Profound disgrace is an understatement.....

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post #43 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:25 PM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

Rationalization, like anything else in life. People cherry pick, dismiss, weigh and look at the brighter sides of things. They also look at the darker side when it is in their backyard. It is done every day in all walks of life. I mean it is so common place, even people who have committed adultery are looked upon as heroes by many people.
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post #44 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 02:09 PM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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Here is the person I have decided to spend the rest of my life and share everything with. Oh and they I also had to have take a polygraph to prove that they are truthful about how, and how many times they stabbed me in the back. Sounds like the basis for a great marriage.

I say for the person who is willing to accept this kind of life, get them help.
Your original post says “if you could look into the future and see that this person would have to take a polygraph…..”. Well the thing is, hindsight is 20/20 right? Sure, 5-10-15 years down the road, once someone hurts you it’s easy to say that you shoulda, coulda, woulda seen the signs.

Cheating is horrible. Yep, I’ve felt it. So is being physically abused by your spouse. Yep, I’ve felt it. So is being raped. Yep, I’ve felt it. All 3 of those things happened with the 3 men that I’ve been in love with in my life. And I would say those three things are among the worst that could happen to someone. But if you’dve told me that any of those three things would’ve happened with any one of those three men……I wouldn’t have believed you. That’s just not who I knew them to BE. Honestly, the most shocking was the rape. I LOVED that man. He was an AMAZING boyfriend. I STILL have trouble reconciling the person I dated with the person who raped me.

My point is this – a partner can do any number of things to you that betray you. Most people consider infidelity the worst. The most hurtful. The most destructive. But there are other levels of betrayal. Physical abuse, financial betrayal. I’ve stated before a friends husband went to prison for selling heroin and she had no idea he was dealing (he was a pharmacist for Pete’s sake). I’ve had family members who have had great boyfriends/spouses. They get pregnant, the guy is there the entire pregnancy and the baby is born and BOOM, guy disappears, never to be heard from again. We have a member on here whose wife did not respect his wishes for work and travel, drove him to the point of exhaustion with what SHE wanted and he was involved in a bad accident because of it. There are so many ways to betray someone else. And I’m sure so many of us have been shocked by what someone else has done to us. Unfortunately, I think that’s human nature.

And as far as why someone would want to stay with someone that has to take a poly, just remember, some people choose to stay with someone who has betrayed them in other ways other than infidelity that others would choose to walk away from. There’s really no right or wrong answer, it’s just a personal choice.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #45 of 104 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 02:19 PM
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Re: Why would anyone want to be married to someone who they have to give a polygraph

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Your original post says “if you could look into the future and see that this person would have to take a polygraph…..”. Well the thing is, hindsight is 20/20 right? Sure, 5-10-15 years down the road, once someone hurts you it’s easy to say that you shoulda, coulda, woulda seen the signs.

Cheating is horrible. Yep, I’ve felt it. So is being physically abused by your spouse. Yep, I’ve felt it. So is being raped. Yep, I’ve felt it. All 3 of those things happened with the 3 men that I’ve been in love with in my life. And I would say those three things are among the worst that could happen to someone. But if you’dve told me that any of those three things would’ve happened with any one of those three men……I wouldn’t have believed you. That’s just not who I knew them to BE. Honestly, the most shocking was the rape. I LOVED that man. He was an AMAZING boyfriend. I STILL have trouble reconciling the person I dated with the person who raped me.

My point is this – a partner can do any number of things to you that betray you. Most people consider infidelity the worst. The most hurtful. The most destructive. But there are other levels of betrayal. Physical abuse, financial betrayal. I’ve stated before a friends husband went to prison for selling heroin and she had no idea he was dealing (he was a pharmacist for Pete’s sake). I’ve had family members who have had great boyfriends/spouses. They get pregnant, the guy is there the entire pregnancy and the baby is born and BOOM, guy disappears, never to be heard from again. We have a member on here whose wife did not respect his wishes for work and travel, drove him to the point of exhaustion with what SHE wanted and he was involved in a bad accident because of it. There are so many ways to betray someone else. And I’m sure so many of us have been shocked by what someone else has done to us. Unfortunately, I think that’s human nature.

And as far as why someone would want to stay with someone that has to take a poly, just remember, some people choose to stay with someone who has betrayed them in other ways other than infidelity that others would choose to walk away from. There’s really no right or wrong answer, it’s just a personal choice.
Wow I am sorry you went through that. Thats horrible.
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