When is the magical time to stop asking questions and to let go of the past - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 03:11 AM Thread Starter
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When is the magical time to stop asking questions and to let go of the past

As per my previous post, dday was 19th sept (never going to forget that day) so almost 4 months ago. And when we went to MC today I was told I need to let go of whats happened in the past and I cant stop being angry/upset at new details I find out. So in my last post I mentioned that I knew all the major points. Well apparently I was wrong as I found put 2 things I consider to be major this week. (Please feel free to correct me if you dont consider these to be major things)

First thing was: the AP never had a NC letter it was stated verbally (so who knows what was actually said!) anyway I am told that she was stalking him at work (he works shifts so she didn't know if he was there or not). I was told she went to his work to beg him to leave me once. I then find out last week that it was in fact twice. The first time he only told her to "go away I am busy"

Second thing: I find out today that the second visit when she begged him to leave me to be with her (I knew that) but what I didn't know was that when she was there she was texting him. I look at him in surprise and said how could she text you when you "blocked" the number? Apparently when he factory reset his phone he didn't reblock her number. His reason was because I don't even want to have that number in my phone as I am so disgusted by it and what it represents. But my issue is that she has feel rein to contact him whenever she feels like.

Am I being unreasonable with my feelings?

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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 03:14 AM
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Re: When is the magical time to stop asking questions and to let go of the past

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Originally Posted by why98 View Post
As per my previous post, dday was 19th sept (never going to forget that day) so almost 4 months ago. And when we went to MC today I was told I need to let go of whats happened in the past and I cant stop being angry/upset at new details I find out. So in my last post I mentioned that I knew all the major points. Well apparently I was wrong as I found put 2 things I consider to be major this week. (Please feel free to correct me if you dont consider these to be major things)



First thing was: the AP never had a NC letter it was stated verbally (so who knows what was actually said!) anyway I am told that she was stalking him at work (he works shifts so she didn't know if he was there or not). I was told she went to his work to beg him to leave me once. I then find out last week that it was in fact twice. The first time he only told her to "go away I am busy"



Second thing: I find out today that the second visit when she begged him to leave me to be with her (I knew that) but what I didn't know was that when she was there she was texting him. I look at him in surprise and said how could she text you when you "blocked" the number? Apparently when he factory reset his phone he didn't reblock her number. His reason was because I don't even want to have that number in my phone as I am so disgusted by it and what it represents. But my issue is that she has feel rein to contact him whenever she feels like.



Am I being unreasonable with my feelings?






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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 03:18 AM
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Re: When is the magical time to stop asking questions and to let go of the past

I myself don't think that you are unreasonable. You shouldn't let anyone dictate how you feel.. i also think that everyone deals with stuff in their own way and nobody should tell you when your time is up!


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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 03:25 AM
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Re: When is the magical time to stop asking questions and to let go of the past

No, you are not being unreasonable because:

1. this is new information about the A
2. He lied about deleting her number which means he could be lying about other things
3. He has not regained your trust and needs to stop lying and work on that

Kick his ass out for a while, tell him you are done. When he feels ready to work on the marriage, you may or may not be available, depending on what he does to regain your trust, etc. If he takes too long to figure that out, you may have moved on.
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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 03:47 AM
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Re: When is the magical time to stop asking questions and to let go of the past

1 - change his number.
2 - he allows you to install monitoring software (meh)
3 - allows you to install blocking software that has a PW
4 - get a different therapist.
5 - He's not respectful. What are you going to do about it? Stay or go?
6 - what is HE reading to HELP you heal?
7 - file a TRO against her (he needs to as well)

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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 05:31 AM
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Re: When is the magical time to stop asking questions and to let go of the past

Four months is a very short time. Any good marriage counselor knows this. Unless it was said in a certain way (e.g. I know it hurts, and it will be some time but eventually you'll have to make a conscious decision to let go of the past), I'd probably get a new marriage counselor.

As for your husband, I don't think your over-reacting. As I said, four months is a very short time. I simply found texts on my wife's phone and I'm so not really over it (for multiple reasons) and that was 2.5 years ago.

At some point, if you want the relationship to work you'll have to come to grips with what happened, you shouldn't live the rest of your life punishing your husband. However, that doesn't mean you have to rush the processing of your feelings, especially when you aren't ready.
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 06:27 AM
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Cool Re: When is the magical time to stop asking questions and to let go of the past

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Originally Posted by why98 View Post
As per my previous post, dday was 19th sept (never going to forget that day) so almost 4 months ago. And when we went to MC today I was told I need to let go of whats happened in the past and I cant stop being angry/upset at new details I find out. So in my last post I mentioned that I knew all the major points. Well apparently I was wrong as I found put 2 things I consider to be major this week. (Please feel free to correct me if you dont consider these to be major things)

First thing was: the AP never had a NC letter it was stated verbally (so who knows what was actually said!) anyway I am told that she was stalking him at work (he works shifts so she didn't know if he was there or not). I was told she went to his work to beg him to leave me once. I then find out last week that it was in fact twice. The first time he only told her to "go away I am busy"

Second thing: I find out today that the second visit when she begged him to leave me to be with her (I knew that) but what I didn't know was that when she was there she was texting him. I look at him in surprise and said how could she text you when you "blocked" the number? Apparently when he factory reset his phone he didn't reblock her number. His reason was because I don't even want to have that number in my phone as I am so disgusted by it and what it represents. But my issue is that she has feel rein to contact him whenever she feels like.

Am I being unreasonable with my feelings?
Absolutely not!

If there is going to be any kind of a viable reconciliation, it is to be done solely on your terms and certainly not his!

And they must be carried out to the absolute letter, without the least equivocation or mental reservation of mind!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 01-12-2017 at 06:34 AM. Reason: Edification
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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 07:54 AM
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Re: When is the magical time to stop asking questions and to let go of the past

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Originally Posted by Seppuku View Post
Four months is a very short time. Any good marriage counselor knows this. Unless it was said in a certain way (e.g. I know it hurts, and it will be some time but eventually you'll have to make a conscious decision to let go of the past), I'd probably get a new marriage counselor.
Why,

4 months and your MC thinks you should be "All Better Now!". At 6 months past DD I was still numb to the world.

Something you should be ready to process... "There is always MORE."

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 09:11 AM
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Re: When is the magical time to stop asking questions and to let go of the past

Either get a new counselor or instruct them that you WON'T rush this, you won't rug sweep this, and each new revelation restarts the clock so from your perspective your latest Dday was last week.

You'll "get past it" long after he is completely honest and he has earned your trust. That will be a long time so if the therapist isn't willing to counsel you on those terms they are fired.


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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 09:28 AM
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Re: When is the magical time to stop asking questions and to let go of the past

Tell your MC to educate him/herself on affairs and the mental damage they cause. Then find a new one.

And set up a polygraph.

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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 09:42 AM
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Re: When is the magical time to stop asking questions and to let go of the past

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No, you are not being unreasonable because:

1. this is new information about the A
2. He lied about deleting her number which means he could be lying about other things
3. He has not regained your trust and needs to stop lying and work on that

Kick his ass out for a while, tell him you are done. When he feels ready to work on the marriage, you may or may not be available, depending on what he does to regain your trust, etc. If he takes too long to figure that out, you may have moved on.
4. Your pain is still present. The pain in your head, your soul and in your ass. He a pain in your ass, until he isn't.
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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: When is the magical time to stop asking questions and to let go of the past

I am speaking to this with the benefit of distance. My affair was nearly 30 years ago. There are a few areas of concern that should be addressed here. The overall of this is that you have been "trickled" info. There are three things that should be taken into account immediately.
1) He is to write a "no-contact" letter. You are to monitor it's composition, and you are to send it via text and email to all of her addresses. He is to then block her. If she attempts contact, you will be informed. Breaking NC is grounds for divorce.

2) He is to write a timeline of all that occurred. It must contain all info about the affair. Any omissions are grounds for divorce.

3) He is to submit to a polygraph. You write the questions. If he fails, then divorce is the result.
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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: When is the magical time to stop asking questions and to let go of the past

OP,
I would advise your counselor that since 4 seems to be a magical number then you will no longer be paying for your visits after the 4th session. Tell her that 4 visits should be enough time for her to do her job and if you do not feel whole by then then you will continue seeing her for free until such time as you are "healed". If she says that is ridiculous then simply say "really, so I have a time limit but you do not?". Her style of counseling has a name, we call it rugsweeping.
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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 12:15 PM
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Re: When is the magical time to stop asking questions and to let go of the past

...when you have plausible answers for each of your questions.

So no, you're not being unreasonable.

You're not going to be able to move forward in your healing if your bandages are being ripped off by lies at every turn.

Your counselor sounds like an oblivious idiot.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 12:18 PM
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Re: When is the magical time to stop asking questions and to let go of the past

Why,

When to stop asking questions.....

When you are convinced he is no longer LYING about the affair!

When he is no longer LYING BY OMISSION!

When he owns up to his part in the affair and does not blameshift to the OW.

When he admits he enjoyed the sex.

When he opens up all his means of communication to you.

When he no longer tries to force you to get over it by rationalizing, minimizing and picking a MC who is in his camp.

When he has a realization of how serious what he did was and is and accepts that it will take your 3 to 5 years for recovery.

When he stop engaging in whatever behavior lead to the affair to make you feel safe. It's no longer acceptable to hug some woman he meets in starbucks who is an "old friend" anymore. Sorry dude the game has changed.

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