Do Cheaters prefer Married or Single Partners? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 81Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 60 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 04:10 AM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,381
Re: Do Cheaters prefer Married or Single Partners?

What I heard or seen myself, I think in general its (convenience first / married 2nd ) - At conventions of ANY sort where people all over the state or country meet, they drink and screw at night - do business during the day. Co-workers or simply others in the industry.

I've been approached by a woman at a hotel once a long time ago who lives 800miles away. At that time, *IF* I knew she was married I wouldn't have cared as I was a single guy, already drunk at a nice hotel being hit on by a good looking out-of-town girl, wanting NSA sex. But being friendly and talking about "visiting her" when I visit family in that same town, it chased her away. If she was SINGLE - she would have been like "cool, sure - maybe - let's screw" - but instead she quickly ended the conversation, I knew I blew it within a few minutes. Being far away for a quick NSA sex becomes a problem if the other party is local after all. Thus I realized her game, talked to a PLAYER friend of mine who picks up chicks at hotels, biz, etc who agreed with my theory.

Listening to a few women, they have brought up married men as an attractive target because they can get the **** they want, and not have to date and such and be back home to husband and kids. A player on the radio talked about using $20 "wedding rings" to pick up women in bars (in hotels) for that exact reason. They are on business, horny - see a nice dressed man alone in a bar and go from there.

It seems serial cheaters who are always looking for a mark, are going for tactics that work on married targets. As we talked here with many BS, stressors in life create cracks in marriages that are generally always there - they come and go with life. We just moved, the stress of the move has us bickering a bit - but we ALSO talk about it too. Realizing a stressful situation is affecting how we talk to each other.

Single people DON'T have these stressors that married people have, especially those with children. Going back to single life for 5 weeks has reminded me of that. Before I got married and had a kid at 40+ years old... I partied hard in my 30s. I went to bed when I wanted to. I left to do fun things WHEN I wanted to. etc, etc. With married life, there is work, bills, kids, diapers, clothes, working with your SO's schedule - then kid's schedule, wanna go out dancing with your wife - easy. With a child, not so much - setup a babysitter in advance, then date, then pickup kid after date, then TRY after-date sex after all those extra steps! *sigh* Thus, the married woman or man *IS* an easier mark... old feelings of YOUTH comes back. "I don't have to answer to my wife/husband". But as we get older, the stability of a relationship has more value in many ways, but that also becomes a normal DULLNESS to life. Some of us handle it better than others, some completely fail, others don't bother trying.

The woman I want to date is my wife - we don't go out on date night as much as we would love to do so, but we do anything we can. I can still see the activities of my single friends childrenless - and yeah, they are having singles-fun, vs. my family/married friends sharing kid photos and yacking about school and work.

Also think about this. Many singles MEET at work. So it makes logical sense why 85% affairs start at work as well.


Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 60 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 02:28 PM
Member
 
lordmayhem's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: USA All The Way
Posts: 5,175
Re: Do Cheaters prefer Married or Single Partners?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
The woman I want to date is my wife - we don't go out on date night as much as we would love to do so, but we do anything we can. I can still see the activities of my single friends childrenless - and yeah, they are having singles-fun, vs. my family/married friends sharing kid photos and yacking about school and work.

Also think about this. Many singles MEET at work. So it makes logical sense why 85% affairs start at work as well.
I would say that is an interesting assessment of affairs that happen while a couple is still young. Yet we have many, many stories of people who have been cheated on after decades of marriage, when the children are already in their late teens or have grown up and left the house. From what I've seen from friends, is this is a dangerous time in marriage. Some may call it the mid life crisis. Now, a couple is largely or completely free of the stresses of having young children and now that the kids are out of the house, it's time to get buck wild.

Just from my friends and associates, I've seen three marriages end in divorce after the kids have grown up. And in every one of those one of them started to cheat. In those cases, they don't care if their AP is married or not, they just want to bang someone else, and perhaps re-live their youth or have the buttery feelings of love again. It's sickening.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
lordmayhem is offline  
post #48 of 60 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 02:53 PM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,579
Re: Do Cheaters prefer Married or Single Partners?

Hypothetically speaking (I have never cheated nor do I ever expect to), IF I were to cheat and had the luxury of choosing with whom, it would depend on my motivation:
a) if it's an exit affair, preferably a single partner, in case they're the one I'd move on with
b) if a revenge affair, then it would not matter much, but there would be fewer potential repercussions for a single partner, since it would be unlikely to continue
c) if it's an ongoing affair where I'd want to remain in the marriage and fill an unmet need elsewhere, then a married partner would be best, as they'd probably have similar motivations, want discretion, and not make difficult demands

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is offline  
 
post #49 of 60 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 03:01 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
MAJDEATH's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,037
Quote:
Originally Posted by lordmayhem View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
The woman I want to date is my wife - we don't go out on date night as much as we would love to do so, but we do anything we can. I can still see the activities of my single friends childrenless - and yeah, they are having singles-fun, vs. my family/married friends sharing kid photos and yacking about school and work.

Also think about this. Many singles MEET at work. So it makes logical sense why 85% affairs start at work as well.
I would say that is an interesting assessment of affairs that happen while a couple is still young. Yet we have many, many stories of people who have been cheated on after decades of marriage, when the children are already in their late teens or have grown up and left the house. From what I've seen from friends, is this is a dangerous time in marriage. Some may call it the mid life crisis. Now, a couple is largely or completely free of the stresses of having young children and now that the kids are out of the house, it's time to get buck wild.

Just from my friends and associates, I've seen three marriages end in divorce after the kids have grown up. And in every one of those one of them started to cheat. In those cases, they don't care if their AP is married or not, they just want to bang someone else, and perhaps re-live their youth or have the buttery feelings of love again. It's sickening.
Or perhaps their spouse refused to deal with a problematic marriage, even when they knew clearly that there was a problem. I see so many stories on TAM about sexless marriages and wonder at what point did the spouse stop caring?
MAJDEATH is offline  
post #50 of 60 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 11:35 PM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,381
Re: Do Cheaters prefer Married or Single Partners?

@lordmayhem : It all depends on when the affair happens. Cheating happens before the wedding day (we have seen that here), days or weeks after the wedding, months, a few years - several years. Its when opportunity happens when the stressors are there or the person was already a crappy person to begin with.

If the cheating happens before or within the first few years of a relationship – that person was ALWAYS a cheater. The relationship was doomed.

Having children is a major stressor. Even cheating during a pregnancy or soon after the birth. Some will wait until after the kids have left the nest.

When I started back with the wife, going to MC, etc. I told her that we are to work on US for the long haul, not just for our son but also not to divorce / breakup after he turns 18, etc. That *IF* WE didn’t want to be together beyond our child, his adulthood, etc – to not waste each others time.

Dating again, the chase – new “sexual interests” does stimulate the brain. I was getting the rush of making out with someone NEW. But here is the thing, at least with me – is that I’ve not had relations with a handful of women, but many. And I know what I want… and my WW is the one that turns me on the most but on top of that – the idea of another male being any sort of a “father figure” makes me ill… and I want his mother to always be *HIS* only mother.

Today, was a stressor and a good day too. We discuss our challenges that the day brought and a course of action. We talked about our feelings on the issues and worked out what needed to be done.

@Married but Happy
My response to such justifications (and not an attack, just a different way to handle things)

a) get a divorce rather than do a messy exit affair. It created drama and makes your kids and family lose respect for you.
b) finish the divorce rather than the revenge affair, which in the end – makes you NO BETTER than the cheater. It’s a childish move to do… even if *THE THOUGHT* feels good in your skull. For some, it works out – it balances out things.
c) ongoing PA can turn into EA which in turn results in someone getting divorced, kids hate you, the shame that goes with it. Want to get sex on the side, talk with SO about opening the marriage and see how that works out.

I am still on both sides of the fence of “open relationship” – but its not for everyone. I still understand the excitement of sex with a different human being… vs. the same old ball & chain year after year. Hence, it *IS* common for people in their 50s+ start doing OR as they have a long trusting relationship with someone already. They keep the marriage, the finances, the stability and get excitement on the side. But that requires mutual respect and understanding from both sides.

@MAJDEATH : bingo… many people take the easy and fun way out rather than TALK with their partner. It’s a two way street. I was getting stressed out and angry today over some mixup… a few seconds of her massaging me and telling me to be cool was enough to bring my anger down several notches.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.

Last edited by TaDor; 01-27-2017 at 01:55 AM.
TaDor is offline  
post #51 of 60 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 06:39 AM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,579
Re: Do Cheaters prefer Married or Single Partners?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
@Married but Happy

a) get a divorce rather than do a messy exit affair. It created drama and makes your kids and family lose respect for you.
b) finish the divorce rather than the revenge affair, which in the end – makes you NO BETTER than the cheater. It’s a childish move to do… even if *THE THOUGHT* feels good in your skull. For some, it works out – it balances out things.
c) ongoing PA turn into EA which in turn result and eventually someone is going to end up divorced, kids hate you, the shame that goes with it. Want to get sex on the side, talk with SO about opening the marriage and see how that works out.
IF I were going to have an affair in any of these circumstances (but since I wouldn't, yeah, I'd agree with your options instead), then:
a) I wouldn't care, and then divorce
b) I still wouldn't care: revenge, then divorce
c) I'd assume that the risk is worthwhile (and statistics indicate that over 80% of affairs are never discovered or revealed)

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is offline  
post #52 of 60 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:16 AM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,381
Re: Do Cheaters prefer Married or Single Partners?

I made some adjustments to my post before I read yours. I came across harsh when it shouldn't have.

I did know about the "IF" and the "I don't expect to" - but as stated by a doctor in the field of infidelity. Everyone has the capacity to do so. It's a matter of choice and or being aware of your emotions/control. Could I have a revenge affair - considered it as a deranged fantasy to cause severe hurt to the OM... but as the saying goes "Not my circus, not my monkeys" and wrong / caused more drama than it was worth. A lot of toxic people involved and best to get distance from them.

I'd say the 80% of infidelity not caught is usually from MEN who are having ONS / NSA / prostitutes / out of town business sex with others in the industry.
The less emotional the person is (IMO) and if they are sociopaths, they are likely to get away with it.
Its the EA that usually causes the cheater to be caught - when things are suddenly "not right".

I'd say, the time frame (personally from my WW) of the affair starting and that it was just hitting my radar was about 2 weeks, thats when I started snooping, but didn't have enough info (wish I was on TAM by that time, if not before - but the destruction of my marriage was needed to save us in our case due to circumstances), within days after that, fights starts - her anger came out of nowhere. The only time my wife hit me in fights or punched other things (her punches didn't physically hurt). 6 weeks, things were getting bad by the week. gaslighting was being done to disarm me. Was trying to get MC for weeks, started doing research into relationships. After D-Day, it got VERY bad - could have died from heart failure. I've never felt such pain in my life.

I wonder if there is data on the percentages of NSA/PA's end up turning into PA/EA that destroy families?

PS: I just noticed your signature. In general - yeah, I don't think most humans can be faithful to another nor not touch themselves. But I'm rather open minded, or do my best to do so.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
post #53 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:00 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
MAJDEATH's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,037
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReformedHubby View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by jld View Post
We could learn how a serial cheater operates, how he feels, etc. An expose.
Well when you put it that way it could help some people. I will think about it.
ReformedHubby - tell your story. Use this thread or start another. It could help both the wayward and the betrayed.
MAJDEATH is offline  
post #54 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 03:18 PM
Member
 
Vinnydee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Posts: 690
Re: Do Cheaters prefer Married or Single Partners?

In my experience they prefer married partners. Both have something to lose if caught and less chance that your lover will want you to leave your spouse for them. Plus their time is limited in which they are free to see you and not expect you to be with them for holidays or other special occasions. It also is much better protection against contracting an STD. They cannot afford to get an STD and give it to their spouse. That is as good as admitting that they are cheating, so they are more careful and selective in their sex partners.

There is also a competitive element for both men and women in winning over someone else's mate.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 05-03-2017 at 10:02 AM.
Vinnydee is offline  
post #55 of 60 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 10:49 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
MAJDEATH's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,037
I remember one poster who indicated that he targeted married ladies and told them he had a vasectomy (which was false). That way, if they ended up pregnant the hubby would be responsible and not him. He said 5+ yrs married or more was perfect because the newness had worn off and dullsville had set in.

MAJDEATH is offline  
post #56 of 60 (permalink) Old 05-01-2017, 01:24 PM
Member
 
Vinnydee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Posts: 690
Re: Do Cheaters prefer Married or Single Partners?

In my experience on both sides of that coin, it did not matter if the other person was making the offer. Married people were safer as far as STD's go and not likely to want you to leave your spouse for them. They were also very grateful for better sex than they were getting at home and not being asked for more time than they could give, such as a single person would want. Plus you are not in competition with all the other single people that your single lover may also be dating. Single people were more available since they did not have to sneak around to meet you. They could hook up with you when you were away at a convention for example. We did not have a monogamous marriage and I had sex with about the same number of married women as singe. Married women were better since you did not have to date them. It was all about the fun and games, not building a relationship.

My wife and I only played with both married and single women in threesomes and wife swaps. Our girlfriend of 30 years was single when she moved in with us and then got married 7 years later and split her time between her husband and us. She dated single guys for awhile but got pregnant by one who slipped his condom off during sex. She learned the hard way that sex with married men was safer since they would not try to get you pregnant. In thinking about people we knew who cheated, most were with single people. We wanted to minimize any risk to our marriage so we tended towards other married people in a stable marriage that was open like ours.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
Vinnydee is offline  
post #57 of 60 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 10:10 AM
Member
 
Vinnydee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Posts: 690
Re: Do Cheaters prefer Married or Single Partners?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
I remember one poster who indicated that he targeted married ladies and told them he had a vasectomy (which was false). That way, if they ended up pregnant the hubby would be responsible and not him. He said 5+ yrs married or more was perfect because the newness had worn off and dullsville had set in.
That is not a good gambit. DNA testing will quickly tell if the kid is the husband's or not. If a baby does not look like the father, the father may ask for a DNA test. Especially true if a white woman has a black or Asian baby. Even something as simple as a blood typing could determine that the kid could not be from the father. Hair color genetic diseases or medical problems, etc. can all point to a different father. This kind of thing is more urban legend than true.

Then there is the issue of a woman knowing her fertile days and being able to do the math when they find out the approximate timeframe of conception. Like I said, the whole thing about telling women you had a vasectomy is more urban myth. I do not think any guy, or at least a smart guy, would use that ploy as it has too many holes in it.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
Vinnydee is offline  
post #58 of 60 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 10:22 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 353
Re: Do Cheaters prefer Married or Single Partners?

I think it depends on whether the cheater is looking to fulfill something they're missing or if they are really looking to move on. If they're just looking for fulfillment I would say they look for someone else who is married and feels the same with the thinking that since the other person is also married, there is no real expectation of the relationship becoming any more than an outlet let's call it.
AtMyEnd is offline  
post #59 of 60 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 10:39 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
MAJDEATH's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,037
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
I remember one poster who indicated that he targeted married ladies and told them he had a vasectomy (which was false). That way, if they ended up pregnant the hubby would be responsible and not him. He said 5+ yrs married or more was perfect because the newness had worn off and dullsville had set in.

That is not a good gambit. DNA testing will quickly tell if the kid is the husband's or not. If a baby does not look like the father, the father may ask for a DNA test. Especially true if a white woman has a black or Asian baby. Even something as simple as a blood typing could determine that the kid could not be from the father. Hair color genetic diseases or medical problems, etc. can all point to a different father. This kind of thing is more urban legend than true.

Then there is the issue of a woman knowing her fertile days and being able to do the math when they find out the approximate timeframe of conception. Like I said, the whole thing about telling women you had a vasectomy is more urban myth. I do not think any guy, or at least a smart guy, would use that ploy as it has too many holes in it.
Why would a husband want a DNA test for his own child? If his W has a baby, under the law he is the father. Why would he even suspect infidelity?
MAJDEATH is offline  
post #60 of 60 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 02:32 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 852
Re: Do Cheaters prefer Married or Single Partners?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
Why would a husband want a DNA test for his own child? If his W has a baby, under the law he is the father. Why would he even suspect infidelity?
Under law he's the father unless he proves the child isn't his very soon after birth, in which case he can challenge it and get his name removed from the birth certificate and not be liable for support. Most of the time the dad's don't suspect infidelity which is why the woman gets away with it (If you find out years later you are still legally responsible for the child). I personally think all children should be DNA tested at the hospital.
Bananapeel is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Just married and already needing help Uncertainwife15 Sex in Marriage 11 10-25-2016 09:09 PM
I don't want to get married and trying to collect my thoughts old school General Relationship Discussion 44 09-07-2016 08:32 PM
Married Man Magnetism EunuchMonk The Social Spot 22 08-02-2016 02:38 PM
I don't think I want to be married anymore, but my husband does lolong1987 Considering Divorce or Separation 26 07-29-2016 10:03 AM
Examples of the cheater's Script in this thread A resource. MattMatt Coping with Infidelity 300 10-17-2015 12:59 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome