Hi I'm Cameron or you can call me Cam whatever you prefer. I'm 42 years old and have three kids two dogs and a faithful loyal wife, HA. Tried to make a joke I guess but on to the story, I'm actually really hurting.
So basically my wife and I have been together since we were 20 and we got married 24. Our marriage has been pretty good so far, we barely argued had an active sex life and have great kids. Neither of us smoke, neither of us are alcoholics and both of us are physically fit/healthy. Our intimacy and sex life has dwindled for the last few years I attribute that to stress from our jobs, us getting older and marriage being more routine. Basically were both at fault for that part, our communication should have been better. Our bedroom certainly wasn't dead but the intimacy wasn't like when we were newlyweds. I blame our communication for that too.
Communication is certainly a big part of that, however, I'd say that shifting priorities are often to blame.
On to the story, so my wife 41 female, has been having an "emotional affair" with her co-worker who is also married. A week ago a mutual friend spotted my wife and this dude out on a date basically and texted me about it. The mutual friend is actually more of her friend and is also female, it was a fairly nice restaurant and it looked pretty weird to her to see my wife who is married out with this man. She also noted that they were holding hands, how ****ing cute. She told me and I confronted my wife when she got home (5 days ago). I asked for the full details of the affair but she cried and said it will just hurt me even more.
Disclosure takes a long time and you are one of the few that didn't get outright denial.
Basically she has been having an emotional/sexting affair with this co worker for 6 months. I would of never suspected her having an affair, but she was certainly texting her girlfriends a lot and laughing. She's apart of a group chat with her friends so I was naive as hell. I was devastated when she admitted it she also didn't admit it right away. She told me we felt more like roommates than lovers and this jackass just made her feel so special inside (probably literally) as well. Throughout her affair she wasn't cold or that distant to me, she was still very loving and affectionate towards me and we still had sex. You're telling me this ******* is wining and dining my wife and he's not getting any? Yeah right.
It is plausible, but you do need more information.
The wife was the most kindest, sweetest, loyal person who I thought adored me and I did her. All our friends think we have one of the best marriages out of all of them. Wife is swearing up and down nothing happened between them, she is what I read tickle truthing me. She didn't even admit to the sexting until I pushed for it. I'm incredibly angry with her and have been sleeping in separate beds, when I look at her I feel physically sick. I've been as cold as ice towards her and the kids have started to take notice. I also broke down and said how could you ****ing do this to me? I shouldn't have done this but I was in so much shock and still am, I cry in private now though. She also flipped out on me when I called her a cheating *****, I've never called her a ***** ***** **** **** ever. She said "See you don't give a **** about me anymore you ****ing ****". Coming from the cheating partner oh the irony.
Individuals fear justice and reciprocity, is this a surprise to no one?
That said, regardless of what she has done, you are still responsible for your actions. Externalized negativity is still "bad", even if she did something first. Is it understandable that you are angry and feeling all that you feel? Of course it is. What has to happen is for the relationship to go on the path of reconciliation or dissolution. Normally, couples are in limbo at first which does no good.
I have read about 180s and trying to make it look like I don't care and that's what I've been doing so far. Does anyone have experience with this? She said she doesn't want a divorce but she's so confused and she does have strong feelings for the AP. I have alerted his wife by the way. She's saying she won't text him anymore and I think she needs to quit her job. Also I very doubt their affair was just emotional. She's also saying she doesn't want a divorce. I'm absolutely devastated and am trying hard to hide it, I've also been going hard at the gym. No one knows except her friend and me and other mans wife.
You are trying to rush things and using "the 180" to make it look like you don't care is maladaptive. There is a resolution to this matter that is to be had and you both deserve it.
Should I divorce? (she said she doesn't want one) Should I reconcile? Over the past 5 days she's seemed remorseful and not at the same time, if that makes sense? This is a woman who was so proud of our relationship and what we have built together, it's now all just destroyed. She told me she's sorry that she did this and she's sorry that I don't believe that it's not just emotional. I've lost my appetite and don't know what to do anymore, please help.
Never make long-term decisions in the heat of the emotion. You have the same ability to choose yay or nay after things calm down. You are experiencing some acute symptoms of depression, which should be of your main focus.
Also a friend of mine knows, I asked him for help on what I should do and he redirected me here and told me all about the 180 and not to make the same mistakes he made.
Ultimately, your relationship needs mature solutions, of which are only possible when emotions are tempered. It is of critical importance for you to take the time you need to attend to yourself, essentially calling a time out. If she is worth a hoot, she will probably understand. That said, there is going to be her fear of you leaving her and all of the emotional outbursts that come with it.
The ultimate answer to your question is, can you be good to her in the future, whether or not you believe her, regardless of what did and did not happen, can you still be good to her. She has to face the same realities that you do, for there is no real justice for any wrongdoings.