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post #151 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 05:10 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Hi I'm Cameron or you can call me Cam whatever you prefer. I'm 42 years old and have three kids two dogs and a faithful loyal wife, HA. Tried to make a joke I guess but on to the story, I'm actually really hurting.

So basically my wife and I have been together since we were 20 and we got married 24. Our marriage has been pretty good so far, we barely argued had an active sex life and have great kids. Neither of us smoke, neither of us are alcoholics and both of us are physically fit/healthy. Our intimacy and sex life has dwindled for the last few years I attribute that to stress from our jobs, us getting older and marriage being more routine. Basically were both at fault for that part, our communication should have been better. Our bedroom certainly wasn't dead but the intimacy wasn't like when we were newlyweds. I blame our communication for that too.
Communication is certainly a big part of that, however, I'd say that shifting priorities are often to blame.

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On to the story, so my wife 41 female, has been having an "emotional affair" with her co-worker who is also married. A week ago a mutual friend spotted my wife and this dude out on a date basically and texted me about it. The mutual friend is actually more of her friend and is also female, it was a fairly nice restaurant and it looked pretty weird to her to see my wife who is married out with this man. She also noted that they were holding hands, how ****ing cute. She told me and I confronted my wife when she got home (5 days ago). I asked for the full details of the affair but she cried and said it will just hurt me even more.
Disclosure takes a long time and you are one of the few that didn't get outright denial.
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Basically she has been having an emotional/sexting affair with this co worker for 6 months. I would of never suspected her having an affair, but she was certainly texting her girlfriends a lot and laughing. She's apart of a group chat with her friends so I was naive as hell. I was devastated when she admitted it she also didn't admit it right away. She told me we felt more like roommates than lovers and this jackass just made her feel so special inside (probably literally) as well. Throughout her affair she wasn't cold or that distant to me, she was still very loving and affectionate towards me and we still had sex. You're telling me this ******* is wining and dining my wife and he's not getting any? Yeah right.
It is plausible, but you do need more information.


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The wife was the most kindest, sweetest, loyal person who I thought adored me and I did her. All our friends think we have one of the best marriages out of all of them. Wife is swearing up and down nothing happened between them, she is what I read tickle truthing me. She didn't even admit to the sexting until I pushed for it. I'm incredibly angry with her and have been sleeping in separate beds, when I look at her I feel physically sick. I've been as cold as ice towards her and the kids have started to take notice. I also broke down and said how could you ****ing do this to me? I shouldn't have done this but I was in so much shock and still am, I cry in private now though. She also flipped out on me when I called her a cheating *****, I've never called her a ***** ***** **** **** ever. She said "See you don't give a **** about me anymore you ****ing ****". Coming from the cheating partner oh the irony.
Individuals fear justice and reciprocity, is this a surprise to no one?

That said, regardless of what she has done, you are still responsible for your actions. Externalized negativity is still "bad", even if she did something first. Is it understandable that you are angry and feeling all that you feel? Of course it is. What has to happen is for the relationship to go on the path of reconciliation or dissolution. Normally, couples are in limbo at first which does no good.


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I have read about 180s and trying to make it look like I don't care and that's what I've been doing so far. Does anyone have experience with this? She said she doesn't want a divorce but she's so confused and she does have strong feelings for the AP. I have alerted his wife by the way. She's saying she won't text him anymore and I think she needs to quit her job. Also I very doubt their affair was just emotional. She's also saying she doesn't want a divorce. I'm absolutely devastated and am trying hard to hide it, I've also been going hard at the gym. No one knows except her friend and me and other mans wife.
You are trying to rush things and using "the 180" to make it look like you don't care is maladaptive. There is a resolution to this matter that is to be had and you both deserve it.


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Should I divorce? (she said she doesn't want one) Should I reconcile? Over the past 5 days she's seemed remorseful and not at the same time, if that makes sense? This is a woman who was so proud of our relationship and what we have built together, it's now all just destroyed. She told me she's sorry that she did this and she's sorry that I don't believe that it's not just emotional. I've lost my appetite and don't know what to do anymore, please help.
Never make long-term decisions in the heat of the emotion. You have the same ability to choose yay or nay after things calm down. You are experiencing some acute symptoms of depression, which should be of your main focus.

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Also a friend of mine knows, I asked him for help on what I should do and he redirected me here and told me all about the 180 and not to make the same mistakes he made.
Ultimately, your relationship needs mature solutions, of which are only possible when emotions are tempered. It is of critical importance for you to take the time you need to attend to yourself, essentially calling a time out. If she is worth a hoot, she will probably understand. That said, there is going to be her fear of you leaving her and all of the emotional outbursts that come with it.

The ultimate answer to your question is, can you be good to her in the future, whether or not you believe her, regardless of what did and did not happen, can you still be good to her. She has to face the same realities that you do, for there is no real justice for any wrongdoings.

Good Luck,
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post #152 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 05:18 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

I once read a book by a WW spouse. She claimed to have the fairy tale marriage. Wonderful husband, beautiful healthy kids, dream house, very little debt. But she felt "something was missing". She had an affair and after six months looked around at what she had to lose and stopped. Then she started wondering how she was able to risk all that she was and all she held dear for the sake of sex with another man even thought she always said she had no intention of leaving her husband. She started taking surveys of cheating wives. The hows, the whys, the outcomes, regrets, no regrets. Then she wrote the book.

Very revealing. Wish I could remember the name.
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post #153 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 06:23 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

A question to all you betrayed spouses. What harm would you see in him having her leave the home and take some time apart to make his decision? I'm asking because I have never been the betrayed spouse. I have sat here with a sad heart through people like my friend @Evinrude58 etc, getting mangled and cringed with him every step of the way...I hold your experience in high value, as you all have lived it.

In my life I have erred on the side of waiting too long in a bad situation (marriage). So please, betrayed's, do you see harm coming from him not immediately reacting with brutal force back at her? If so, what? Thanks ahead of time as always.

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post #154 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 06:44 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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A question to all you betrayed spouses. What harm would you see in him having her leave the home and take some time apart to make his decision? I'm asking because I have never been the betrayed spouse. I have sat here with a sad heart through people like my friend @Evinrude58 etc, getting mangled and cringed with him every step of the way...I hold your experience in high value, as you all have lived it.

In my life I have erred on the side of waiting too long in a bad situation (marriage). So please, betrayer's, do you see harm coming from him not immediately reacting with brutal force back at her? If so, what? Thanks ahead of time as always.
I don't, but he needs to ask the right questions. And he needs to think long term. Personally I think it's good to wait until the shock wears off. I think it's better if you can separate for at least 6 months. I think divorce and trying to date again is an even better idea. I say all this believing whole hardheartedly that only the most in love person would want to stay once the fog has lifted. Once the bonding goes away and you just have cold hard logic the idea of staying is not a nice one for most.

Thing is, even if she is sorry. She is broken and it's a very big risk. I don't believe people just do this. The ability to disregard someone that close to you who you have built a whole life with means you are dangerous. There are a lot of people who can do this true, but they are not people you should try to have long term relationships with. That doesn't just change. I don't even think it changes with a lot of work, I think these people just control that side of themselves. Its always a risk of coming back, just like an alcoholic. I would say this behavior is very similar. Again that is something that makes it very heard to be in a relationship.
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post #155 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 07:01 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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I don't, but he needs to ask the right questions. And he needs to think long term. Personally I think it's good to wait until the shock wears off. I think it's better if you can separate for at least 6 months. I think divorce and trying to date again is an even better idea. I say all this believing whole hardheartedly that only the most in love person would want to stay once the fog has lifted. Once the bonding goes away and you just have cold hard logic the idea of staying is not a nice one for most.



Thing is, even if she is sorry. She is broken and it's a very big risk. I don't believe people just do this. The ability to disregard someone that close to you who you have built a whole life with means you are dangerous. There are a lot of people who can do this true, but they are not people you should try to have long term relationships with. That doesn't just change. I don't even think it changes with a lot of work, I think these people just control that side of themselves. Its always a risk of coming back, just like an alcoholic. I would say this behavior is very similar. Again that is something that makes it very heard to be in a relationship.


Your input is invaluable. But you are mostly against reconciliation.
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post #156 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 07:25 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Your input is invaluable. But you are mostly against reconciliation.
Yes, I am bias, don't deny it. I have posted about and gotten yelled at before on here. I just think it is a very hard thing to live with and be happy, or at least be as happy as you can be without living with it. I also think love is really only a part of R, just like it is only a part of Marriage. I get that love conquers all is a wonderful fairy tale but it doesn't.

Don't worry there will be plenty of sentiment in the other direction to even me out. Ever notice that as soon as a cheater is discovered their are 3 or 4 post about how to R, the cheater must do this and that, no one asks them if they are bias for R.

Anyway I feel awful for OP. It's hard to believe people can be so cruel, people you delicate your life to no less.
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post #157 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 07:34 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Your input is invaluable. But you are mostly against reconciliation.
I think that when you think logically, it is best to walk away from someone who has betrayed you in the most awful way. Reconciliation is extremely difficult when trust has been shattered into a million pieces. Humpty Dumpty cannot be put back together again. That is the logical truth. Reconciliation is the exception to the rule and like every exception, it's very rare that it will be successful. It's simply not the norm.

I have no regrets of filing ASAP. Time has shown me that that was the path of less pain and quickest recovery for me. My X was like Cam's wife. He was confused. He had no remorse. He just wanted damage control. He has gone through several affairs and cannot find happiness. He is broken. People who can throw away a faithful, loving, great wife like my X insists he had, are not worth keeping.

How can you say you had a great woman and marriage and yet cheat on them with the excuse that they fell in love with another? And yet the second chance at love they leave a great woman for ends up being a stupid lie of a fantasy that only lasts about 6 months?

He threw and shattered everyone's lives for a stupid fantasy. No decent spouse will do this to what they consider "a great spouse" plain and simple.

Maybe my X says this because of our two kids, who knows. I don't believe a word that comes out of that cheater.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.

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post #158 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 07:41 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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I think that when you think logically, it is best to walk away from someone who has betrayed you in the most awful way. Reconciliation is extremely difficult when trust has been shattered into a million pieces. Humpty Dumpty cannot be put back together again. That is the logical truth. Reconciliation is the exception to the rule and like every exception, it very rare that it will be successful. It's simply not the norm.

I have no regrets of filing ASAP. Time has shown me that that was the path of less pain and quickest recovery for me. My X was like Cam's wife. He was confused. He had no remorse. He just wanted damage control. He has gone through several affairs and cannot find happiness. He is broken. People who can throw away a faithful, loving, great wife like my X insists he had, are not worth keeping.

How can you say you had a great woman and marriage and yet cheat on them with the excuse that they fell in love with another? And yet the second chance at love they leave a great woman for ends up being a stupid lie of a fantasy that only lasts about 6 months?

He threw and shattered everyone's lives for a stupid fantasy. No decent spouse will do this to what they consider "a great spouse" plain and simple.

Maybe my X says this because of our two kids, who knows. I don't believe a word that comes out of that cheater.


And heaven forbid you end up like this. That's the risk.

Even after all that the bottom line is they don't deserve it, and a BS deserves better.
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post #159 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 07:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

I asked for space and she's given me space. I'm in no state of mind to make a decision and am going to be going to individual counseling and she's already doing the same without me telling her. She got an STD test and will get her results in a week. This is the other mans last week at the job. I got the full story from her and she doesn't know I met the OM's wife, pretty positive on that. She has been nice today and looks kinda depressed, probably because she can't see her boyfriend anymore. She asked what I wanted for dinner and I just got myself something. She asked if I wanted stimulation after dinner while the kids were in their rooms. She told me she was buying condoms today if I wanted to try them out with her, I didn't even respond to the text. She needs to understand what space means, she's been doing bad so far and if she wants to reconcile she needs to stop doing too much. I was told that the BJ is for my benefit and I have needs.

Well damn I haven't had sex or a bj in a little over a week and this is the longest we've ever went so far. Guess I have to pick up an old teenager habit again. Should I just accept her advances for the time being?

Last edited by cam42; 01-17-2017 at 07:51 PM.
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post #160 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 07:59 PM
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Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Yes, I am bias, don't deny it. I have posted about and gotten yelled at before on here. I just think it is a very hard thing to live with and be happy, or at least be as happy as you can be without living with it. I also think love is really only a part of R, just like it is only a part of Marriage. I get that love conquers all is a wonderful fairy tale but it doesn't.



Don't worry there will be plenty of sentiment in the other direction to even me out. Ever notice that as soon as a cheater is discovered their are 3 or 4 post about how to R, the cheater must do this and that, no one asks them if they are bias for R.



Anyway I feel awful for OP. It's hard to believe people can be so cruel, people you delicate your life to no less.


IMO the only folks who can really recommend R are those that did it.

As I say often, cheaters typically compartmentalize so IMO they are not intentionally cruel. I know you disagree with that.

But asking OP how she looks before she goes out to date her BF, wow. That's just evil.


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post #161 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:02 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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I asked for space and she's given me space. I'm in no state of mind to make a decision and am going to be going to individual counseling and she's already doing the same without me telling her. She got an STD test and will get her results in a week. This is the other mans last week at the job. I got the full story from her and she doesn't know I met the OM's wife, pretty positive on that. She has been nice today and looks kinda depressed, probably because she can't see her boyfriend anymore. She asked what I wanted for dinner and I just got myself something. She asked if I wanted stimulation after dinner while the kids were in their rooms. She told me she was buying condoms today if I wanted to try them out with her, I didn't even respond to the text. She needs to understand what space means, she's been doing bad so far and if she wants to reconcile she needs to stop doing too much. I was told that the BJ is for my benefit and I have needs.

Well damn I haven't had sex or a bj in a little over a week and this is the longest we've ever went so far. Guess I have to pick up an old teenager habit again. Should I just accept her advances for the time being?
Nope, they will probably just increase your pain at the moment. Your heart will want to bond with her but it will just hurt you when you try. This stuff is very hard to fix, giving you BJ's to try to make it up to you kind of shows you what type of person she is doesn't it? The only thing that can heal it is time. It's like emotional cancer, it breaks you heart down to it weakest, but then you heal. Can you take that vacation and really get away?

Try to see it like emotional boot camp. Every day getting stronger, separating from the power she had over you.

I'm sorry OP, this is one of the worst hells anyone can go through. But if you can get through it you can get through anything. There is hope my friend. I remember thinking will I ever feel better from this? Is there really going to be a day when I can look back and there will be no sting. One day that day came. You will get there.

Last edited by sokillme; 01-18-2017 at 08:53 AM.
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post #162 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:04 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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I asked for space and she's given me space. I'm in no state of mind to make a decision and am going to be going to individual counseling and she's already doing the same without me telling her. She got an STD test and will get her results in a week. This is the other mans last week at the job. I got the full story from her and she doesn't know I met the OM's wife, pretty positive on that. She has been nice today and looks kinda depressed, probably because she can't see her boyfriend anymore. She asked what I wanted for dinner and I just got myself something. She asked if I wanted stimulation after dinner while the kids were in their rooms. She told me she was buying condoms today if I wanted to try them out with her, I didn't even respond to the text. She needs to understand what space means, she's been doing bad so far and if she wants to reconcile she needs to stop doing too much. I was told that the BJ is for my benefit and I have needs.

Well damn I haven't had sex or a bj in a little over a week and this is the longest we've ever went so far. Guess I have to pick up an old teenager habit again. Should I just accept her advances for the time being?
Unless you are sure you will R, no I would not accept her advances.

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post #163 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:07 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Should I just accept her advances for the time being?
Nooo! Besides the fact that you need the detaching, the last thing you want to do is risk knocking her up! We've seen that trick used here before to force 'reconcilation'.


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post #164 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

To be honest I think I am going to go to the divorce route when a month hits so I'll just leave it alone. The counseling I am admitting into will help me with the emotional trauma maybe, maybe not. I just don't want to be a part-time dad but I have read that I shouldn't stay for just the kids. I don't know what I want but I have gotten messages telling me from you guys telling me to just wait it out. But I think the general message is that I should just divorce her. Well hopefully I have the power to do that soon. But I'm not strong enough at the moment but I need to make moves.
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post #165 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:17 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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I asked for space and she's given me space. I'm in no state of mind to make a decision and am going to be going to individual counseling and she's already doing the same without me telling her. She got an STD test and will get her results in a week. This is the other mans last week at the job. I got the full story from her and she doesn't know I met the OM's wife, pretty positive on that. She has been nice today and looks kinda depressed, probably because she can't see her boyfriend anymore. She asked what I wanted for dinner and I just got myself something. She asked if I wanted stimulation after dinner while the kids were in their rooms. She told me she was buying condoms today if I wanted to try them out with her, I didn't even respond to the text. She needs to understand what space means, she's been doing bad so far and if she wants to reconcile she needs to stop doing too much. I was told that the BJ is for my benefit and I have needs.

Well damn I haven't had sex or a bj in a little over a week and this is the longest we've ever went so far. Guess I have to pick up an old teenager habit again. Should I just accept her advances for the time being?
Communicate from a position of strength. While I teach acceptance and strict personal responsibility, it is also critical for individuals to give their stance objective respect, as well. When asking you if you want dinner, give her an answer. Regarding her sexual advances, if you feel it is not in the cards, then approach her with what you want her not to do now.

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if she wants to reconcile she needs to stop doing too much.
Neither of you knows the perfect path and both of you are experiencing emotional turmoil.

That all said, reconciliation is a process. Separations are tough because disconnection engenders more disconnection and vice versa. If you disconnect from her, then she may likely decrease her externalized reconciliatory efforts (in time).
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