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post #16 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 10:21 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Your friend gave you good advice.
I urge you not to talk to your wife at all yet. File for divorce.
You can always cancel it, but your wife is calling YOU names? No, she's not remorseful.
She's regretting she got caught.

It was not just emotional, as you know.

The bad thing is this:
When a woman starts living another man, they lose their feelings for the one they married.
They RARELY come back. In your case, the way she is acting, there's even less of a chance.
I know this isn't what you want to hear.
You want your old life, and old wife back. I can promise you that your wife doesn't exist anymore. She is not the same person she was, because regardless of what she says, she no longer loves you. She proved she doesn't.

You should 180 and move on in your mind. Only when you are both in equal footing can you even consider a new relationship.
If you try to fix this with you wanting it and her NOT wanting you, it is guaranteed failure. And continued pain for you.

File. If she ever has remorse, you'll know it. If she still loves you, you'll know it. I don't think she does.

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post #17 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 10:26 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by cam42 View Post
Are wayward spouses like really in an alternate universe? I've been reading and trying to understand more about this hell. I can only imagine that the wife and the OM are sneaking around on their lunch break having their way with each other. She's just acting ****ing strange. Why couldn't she have just made it easier and asked for a divorced instead of doing this **** to me. She gave me a hug today and I should of declined it.
Some people say that they are. I personally don't believe that, I think they make a calculated choice. Maybe she wasn't happy for a while and didn't tell you. When the proverbial 5hit hit the fan, she chose to abandon you in the worse way. She probably thought she would never get caught. I think she has always been like this and this is the first time you have caught her.

Personally I don't think people change much, I think there are people who can do this and people who can't. If you marry someone who can maybe you get lucky and they never get too tempted or have the right opportunity, or maybe you never find out. Or you marry someone maybe like you who would never conceive of doing something so despicable to someone you love. Life would be a lot easier if we all had signs to say what type of person we are.

In the worst cases the cheating type of person looks for a person they can bully. They actually choose the person because they know they will bankroll their lifestyle. They are really just like the bully on the playground. They pick the easiest targets. I doesn't sound like that is you though.

Thing is, again your wife is not who you thought. You may need to re-think your whole history. Morals just don't change in your 40's meaning they were probably always a part of her like this. She always had it in her in my opinion it just wasn't in her best interest to act on it yet. You really are just at the beginning at this, I get it, it's like a brand new sucky world. There is a lot more to this then you think.
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post #18 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 10:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Your friend gave you good advice.
I urge you not to talk to your wife at all yet. File for divorce.
You can always cancel it, but your wife is calling YOU names? No, she's not remorseful.
She's regretting she got caught.

It was not just emotional, as you know.

The bad thing is this:
When a woman starts living another man, they lose their feelings for the one they married.
They RARELY come back. In your case, the way she is acting, there's even less of a chance.
I know this isn't what you want to hear.
You want your old life, and old wife back. I can promise you that your wife doesn't exist anymore. She is not the same person she was, because regardless of what she says, she no longer loves you. She proved she doesn't.

You should 180 and move on in your mind. Only when you are both in equal footing can you even consider a new relationship.
If you try to fix this with you wanting it and her NOT wanting you, it is guaranteed failure. And continued pain for you.

File. If she ever has remorse, you'll know it. If she still loves you, you'll know it. I don't think she does.
I have also read that often affair partners are downgrades physically and financially. That is the case for this one. I'm going to be filing I guess just to get the point across even though I don't want a divorce. I started hitting the gym hard over a year ago and she was receptive sexually to my hobby. This can't be happening to me. I don't want to be a part time dad I don't want to lose my wife I DON'T WANT A LIFE WITHOUT MY WIFE AND KIDS. I am panicking ****
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post #19 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 10:40 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by cam42 View Post
I have also read that often affair partners are downgrades physically and financially. That is the case for this one. I'm going to be filing I guess just to get the point across even though I don't want a divorce. I started hitting the gym hard over a year ago and she was receptive sexually to my hobby. This can't be happening to me. I don't want to be a part time dad I don't want to lose my wife I DON'T WANT A LIFE WITHOUT MY WIFE AND KIDS. I am panicking ****
Breath and exhale. visit your doctor to get some meds. You are going to need them or you will lose it. Your children are not babies, they probably need to know the truth as this affects them in a very deep way too. You don't want this, none of us that were betrayed wanted this and yet the majority of us had to move on kicking and screaming because our marriages were killed by the one person that promised to forsake all others for us. They lied! Most humans fall short of that promise. Your marriage just became a casualty of infidelity.

Your wife's affair is an exit affair. You may not be able to reconcile. She is too far gone from you emotionally. There may be no other way but the divorce route.

I'm so sorry this has happened in your life. You and your kids deserved better that the coward's way out cheaters use when they need to set up nest elsewhere instead of being honest with their long term partner that they want out. She is not worth it OP! I know it hurts, but it's the truth. She doesn't love and she has NO REMORSE. She simply got caught and is doing damage control.

The damage control is so that everyone else doesn't see her as the nasty. disloyal, cowardly, cheater that she is.

Please expose and file!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #20 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 10:41 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Don't panic. You are doing great, really.
For the love of God, don't cry, plead, or try to nice her back.

I know you think your world is a nightmare. I promise that it will get better. But it will seem like forever until it does.

Stay strong. She betrayed you.
She is likely STILL betraying you.

It doesn't matter what you want. You've got to deal with what you have. Deal with it the way you'd tell a friend to do.

I'm sorry.
But I've been through it and you can, too.
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post #21 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:07 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Put a VAR (voice-activated recorder) in her car to see if the affair is still ongoing.

Order a DNA test kit for your children and make sure she sees it. Yes, the kids are yours, but having her witness the DNA-testing process is an effective way to make her to understand the depths of her depravity, and the full consequences of losing her husband's trust.

Have the papers drawn up and have her served. The divorce can be stopped at any time if she shows real remorse. But the cold, hard slap of reality will help wake her up.

Expose the affair to anyone who will make her feel shame. You should express to others that it was a PA, even if there's still a (very slim) possibility that it was only an EA.

Continue to do the 180, decline all affection, sex, and hugs. Every time you hug her, you're telling her that you're alright and that she doesn't need to earn you back.

As part of the 180, you should be going out some evenings without telling her where you're going or what you're doing. Even if you just walk around the mall and do nothing, it's valuable for her to see what life is like without you, and that you can easily do without her.
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post #22 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:09 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Do not panic. Everything you are feeling is normal. Disbelief, anger, pain.

Understand that your wife has done this. You may never get her to admit why she did it. But the simple truth is that she did it because she wanted to.

You are now her plan B, Her security. Her babysitter. He is fun. He is exciting. He is romantic. He makes her feel young again.

Let her go. You can not reconcile even if you wanted to unless she give you the entire truth.
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post #23 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:17 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by cam42 View Post
I have also read that often affair partners are downgrades physically and financially. That is the case for this one. I'm going to be filing I guess just to get the point across even though I don't want a divorce. I started hitting the gym hard over a year ago and she was receptive sexually to my hobby. This can't be happening to me. I don't want to be a part time dad I don't want to lose my wife I DON'T WANT A LIFE WITHOUT MY WIFE AND KIDS. I am panicking ****
You are in the fight of your life right now. Sadly it IS happening to you, and it happens to many, many people unfortunately. They all survive, but some better then others. A lot has to do with how much you are willing to allow someone to take advantage of you and for how long. The ones who do best get strong fast. This at least gives them some control over their lives. Control that is suddenly missing. This gives it back to you. You can not control your wife, only yourself. Right now you are still in husband mode, but she fired you. Stop trying to be. You need to be in ME mode. Don't let her continue to take advantage of you. Don't let fear take away your agency. This is part of why you are in so much pain. You feel powerless, but you are not. Your happiness is not dependent on her. Only on you. Concentrate on your mission, which is to get out of this situation and be happy again. With or without your wife.

You need to be strong, the stronger you are the better things will go for you. I know it sucks, but you need to do it fast! I also know it feels like your life is over, but it is not. This is just one of the most painful times you will have in it.

It's the beginning of emotional boot camp. See it like that, every day gets you one day stronger. If you can get through this you can get through anything. You are getting used to your new reality, but you don't have to stay in that reality. There is always better out there. Start to fight to get that better.

Right now take it one day at a time, see your wife for who she is, not who you thought she was. Harden you heart for now, and accept nothing less then respect. Give her what she deserves which right now is not much. Some say spy and try to police her but I don't think that helps. What helps is gaining control over what you can control yourself. Let her have her man if she wants him. But don't let her have you too. Don't tell her, have them file her at work. Leave you kid at her mom's and tell her mom what she did, let her Mom know that you are going away for a short time but will be back. Then go on a 2 week vacation and don't talk to her. Let her suffer for a while.

Buck up man. You will survive this, but you will be in a much better place if you work from strength not weakness. Look forward and start moving, one step at a time. And believe, YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN. Anyone who goes through this can tell you that is so.

Last edited by sokillme; 01-14-2017 at 11:27 PM.
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post #24 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

She's offering to explain all the details, but I don't want to do it tonight because I actually want to get some sleep. I feel like ****ing **** what did this guy have that I didn't. Why didn't she just leave my ass and save me all of this. She asked me to come to bed with her sounded like an invitation to sex but I just declined. I'm so angry.
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post #25 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 12:03 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Dont let her use sex to confuse you and weaken you.
Don't let her love-bomb you.

Chill for a few days like you're doing. And file.

Let her figure out how to fix this. After all, she screwed it up.....

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post #26 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 12:05 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

This is most likely a sexual PA. When they're getting bold enough to be in a restaurant holding hands, you know they've been sexual. The most common thing is to go to a secluded section of a nearby park for sex or my likely a BJ several times a week.

You should get yourself tested as a precaution. They always lie about using protection. Not to mention you know what BJs in a car means.

If you want to salvage this, she must quit that job, send a NC letter, give you a timeline of the affair, and truthfully tell you what was done as well as give you access to all devices and passwords.

You have to warn her that you won't accept anymore lies. Trickle truth makes it hard to R. You don't want to try to R then found out she was proclaiming her undying love for him and wanting to leave you or that she did things with him that you were turned down on. Very common.
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post #27 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:04 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by cam42 View Post
She's offering to explain all the details, but I don't want to do it tonight because I actually want to get some sleep. I feel like ****ing **** what did this guy have that I didn't. Why didn't she just leave my ass and save me all of this. She asked me to come to bed with her sounded like an invitation to sex but I just declined. I'm so angry.
What could explain it. The only thing this guy had was the idea that your wife was the type that would do this. That is what you didn't have. If it wasn't this guy it would be someone else. You are going through the typical stuff that everyone who goes through this does. Read the stories they are all the same. Don't let her rug sweep this. What your wife did to you is evil, and you have a right to be hurt. Think long and hard about how you want the rest of your life to go. Moving forward with this person. Once you get over the shock an really understand what she did to you, you will have lost the reverence you once had for her. This may make it easier to detach.

The best way I have heard it described is that an imposter came and killed your wife and is now living in her body. It's a real life invasion of the body snatchers. Except it's really not the case this is who she always was, you just didn't know it.

Hold on to the anger for a little while. Use it, your gonna need it. I agree with the other poster. DNA test you kids, let her see you do it. They are your kids but it will be a blow to her. Send her the papers at work unannounced. Be gone when she gets home for a good week. Don't answer your phone. Let her suffer for a little while.

It's also way way too early to decide how you want to proceed. Just because you want to save it now doesn't mean when you aren't in shock you still will. You may decide that you can't live with it or it is too much of a raw deal. And it is a raw deal. Right not worry about taking control. Your wife has effectively put you in the parent role, time for some tough love.
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post #28 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:38 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Cam42

The most difficult affair to me is the workplace affair. My wife had a workplace affair also, and what I'm about to tell you is what I SHOULD have done.

1) say nothing to your wife, she isn't yours now anyway.
2) take a day off work.
3) go to her work at lunch.
4) walk in with a dozen roses.
5) go to your wife's desk surprising her.
6) hand her the flowers, give her a hug, then whisper in her ear, take me to lover boys desk.
7) if she refuses, tell her you will email everyone in that company the texts between her and lover boy.
8) give her the business card of your lawyer.
9) if she refuses to take you to lover boy, have her take you to the HR department, inform them of the affair.

Had I done just three of these steps I would have been better off. Don't allow your wife time to decide, although you need to allow time for her to grieve her relationship that ended. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true. Either she quits or he quits, it's the only way. If she hesitates, you must know her feelings are more for him then you. This will prompt you to divorce, but you can save your marriage if you prefer. Just because you file doesn't mean you have to take it all the way through.

You can pm me if you need any other help. But your first plan of action is destroying this affair.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


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post #29 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 02:36 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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This is my wife the mother of my kids, the woman who's been my best friend.
...and she's a _____ (fill in the not so nice word).

And now you know that people are shades of grey, not black and white. You pedestalized her and now you're watching the marble crumble and you're upset it was cracked to begin with.

We are all cracked. Some of us have the resiliency and will to either hold it together or come out from the marble completely as our "take it or leave it" selves.

You've learned your wife isn't marriage material. That's who she is. What you do about it can only be your decision.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow

Last edited by Satya; 01-15-2017 at 02:41 AM.
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post #30 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 02:53 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by cam42 View Post
She's offering to explain all the details, but I don't want to do it tonight because I actually want to get some sleep. I feel like ****ing **** what did this guy have that I didn't. Why didn't she just leave my ass and save me all of this. She asked me to come to bed with her sounded like an invitation to sex but I just declined. I'm so angry.

She needs to leave the marital bed, not you.

And since she hasn't given you the whole story to date, she's not being honest. That means no full remorse. She's trying to get away with an incomplete divulging of the truth...incomplete measures are not something done by someone truly sorry.

She's still protecting either the Affair Partner, herself, or both. If she were truly sorry, she would come clean completely and let the chips fall where they may. Indeed, a truly sorry person would feel that they DESERVE the worst, not try to mitigate the fall-out of her actions.

I also hope you got ALL her passwords and have looked at ALL her accounts (phone, email, text, etc.).

I also hope you have DNA'ed the kids and let her know it. Even if you have no doubt about paternity, do it anyway, beause it is a symbol of the trust she has lost.

And demand a polygraph.

I also hope you continue with divorce proceedings. you can always call it off later, or even reconcile AFTER the divorce. But you need to get the ball rolling.
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