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post #31 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 03:35 AM
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Cool Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by jsmart View Post
This is most likely a sexual PA. When they're getting bold enough to be in a restaurant holding hands, you know they've been sexual. The most common thing is to go to a secluded section of a nearby park for sex or most likely a BJ several times a week.

You should get yourself tested as a precaution. They always lie about using protection. Not to mention you know what BJs in a car means.

If you want to salvage this, she must quit that job, send a NC letter, give you a timeline of the affair, and truthfully tell you what was done as well as give you access to all devices and passwords.

You have to warn her that you won't accept anymore lies. Trickle truth makes it hard to R. You don't want to try to R then found out she was proclaiming her undying love for him and wanting to leave you or that she did things with him that you were turned down on. Very common.
Local or area motels aren't bad venues either!


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post #32 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 05:50 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

OP,
Allow me to give you some insight into your wife's thinking or, better stated, lack thereof. You assume that because a person matures physically that they automatically mature mentally. This is sadly not the case. Physical maturation is biologically controlled however cognitive maturity is not. Although a person can be physically mature they do not look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, that requires stimulation. As the muscles are stressed they respond by increasing in mass. Cognitive maturity is very similar.

The brain develops biologically but it does not become strong without stimulation. I am sure you have heard the phrase "use it or lose it" but in this instance it is more accurately stated "use it or miss it". The neural network of synaptic connections is laid down as we mature psychologically by experiencing situations that force us to use our brains. Absent this stimulus, the brain simply has no reason to increase the synaptic network just as the muscles have no reason to increase mass without stress.

So then, understanding this, you must now be, as another poster has said, thrust into the role of parent/guardian to her. She cannot make decisions on her own therefore you must make them for her. If you do not she will continue to run amuck taking you and the family along for the ride. Some here will say that she made a calculated choice and it is true that she chose to do what she did but it was by no means calculated because she made the choice with the mind of a child.

Think of this; if a child wants a candy bar do they consider the effects of the sugar on their teeth? Do they "calculate" the rise in blood sugar and ensuing affect on their pancreas? Do they calculate how far into the acidic side of the ph scale it will push their body's balance? The answer is simply no, they haven't the cognitive ability to "calculate" all of that information. They can only make decisions based on what their limited intellect can "calculate" and that is "it tastes and feels good" to eat it. This is your W.

Let me introduce you to two phrases that you will hear repeatedly if you try to R with your W. One phrase is "I didn't think of that" and the other is "I don't know". When asked how she could possibly nuke your family as she has done she will say "I don't know". When pressed further and asked what she believed the effect would be on you and her children she will respond "I didn't think of that". Remember these phrases and the number of times you will hear them and you will see that what I am telling you is true.

So then it now falls to you to take charge. You do not ask her what she wants you tell her how it is going to be. If she balks at any of it then it is immediate D. Your only "power" in this situation is to take control and be her mind since hers is ill prepared to be an adult. Now here is the tough decision for you, do you want to live this way for the rest of your marriage? Unfortunately this condition is permanent. Science now tells us that the brain can develop into our mid twenties however, beyond that, neural growth is not possible. It is possible that, in rare occasions, the brain can utilize other neural pathways to modify behavior but this is extremely rare, nearing the point of impossible and it usually requires a stimulus of such magnitude so as to shock the mind into change.

This is the impetus behind filing and serving her at work. The bigger the shock the better chance it has of jolting her mind to change but again, that is only if her mind is even capable of utilizing those other synaptic connections and that is seldom the case. I regret having to tell you this but it may empower you somewhat to know what you are up against. Be a parent/guardian to her for the remainder of the marriage or find a mature woman to spend your life with. Also keep in mind that this is all contingent on whether or not the thought of D losing her family carries the significance in her mind to force her to modify her behavior. And make no mistake that, short of the epiphany explained above which is rare indeed, all she can do is modify, not change.

If the thought of losing her family, as she has known it, is not sufficient motivation for her to modify behavior then she will not comply and you will have no choice but to live with her "frolics" or D and move on. Ours is not an easy path, I wish you good fortune as you traverse yours.
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post #33 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 05:56 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

@cam42 I am really sorry man. The fact that they were holding hands at dinner is cheating... I would not expect your wife to admit to the truth at this point. Is there hope? Should you divorce? I am not the person to answer these questions. I wish you the best and I am sorry she has done this to you.

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post #34 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 06:57 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

The general rules with affairs is that they are three times longer than admitted to.

She has formed a close bond with this guy. Openly having Dinner holding hands is pretty close. In many ways an affair is much like any relationship when it starts. Spending way too much time together. laughing, fcking, making plans for the future. She had a lovely time.
She chose to do it and she chose to continue it even knowing how much it would hurt you if you found out.

Now that you have found out she wants you to stop hurting hence the hug . She wants it to go back to how it was but you are being mean and saying no. You are her Husband and Father of her children. Her other man is her lover. I know this is hard to hear but that is how it works.

I do not believe you are at the point where you can even begin to reconcile. The wound is deep and fresh. Your wife willingly and enthusiastically giving her self to another man is hard to stomach.

There may be a small chance that some residual loyalty has stopped her from actually fcking him. If you want to believe that fine but the advice is the same. If she wants to come back to you she needs to quit her job. She needs to hand over her phone. Open up her emails and she needs to WANT to do this because it is a chance to save her marriage. The consequences of breaking two families for an affair are brutal and she will live with the title "homewrecker" for the rest of her life. It will not go as planned for her..

I know you feel as though your heart has been ripped out and stomped on ( repeatedly) and it takes alot of effort and alot of work to recover either as a couple or on your own. Whatever happens now. Your old life is dead and you have to rebuild. It takes years so go easy on yourself. If you are having anxiety or panic attacks and not sleeping go to the Doctor and get some meds to help you think clearly. It will also help enormously.

Try and eat some real food, go for a walk and stay off the booze.
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post #35 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 09:06 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Cam,

You have already gotten some thoughts and advice, so I believe you can take some advice without the sugar coating at this point. Married women do not go out in public holding hands romantically with other men for six months 9 probably more when it all started) and have no sex involved. Yes, there is always the chance it has not happened but you would do yourself a favor if whatever decisions you make you assume that it has happened.
So lets start with the obvious. No matter what your thoughts are, just about all of the literature on infidelity will tell you that the first step is for NO CONTACT . That does not mean that she tells you she will keep it professional yet still be swooning around him daily for ten hours a day while your gut wonders what is going on.. That is what makes workplace affairs tghe most difficult to catch ( you got lucky) and STOP without some steps that some would call nuclear.

Right now, you are basically clueless as to the extent of this, and she is not trustworthy to tell you the truth ( and wanting to have sex with you means nothing). My recommendations to you before you make any firm decisions are to
(1) stop telling her you love her and you can work through this since you have no clue what you are really working through. That is called the pick me game and it rarely works out well for the betrayed of either sex.
(2) if you decide to stay married she needs to quit that job. If you decide to divorce her she needs to stay in that job until the divorce is final so I would resist blowing it up yet at work.
(3) she needs to turn over every password of every elertronic device she has. Her right to privacy went out the window with her behavior. Yes, as some will tell you, she can easily go "underground. But her willingness to do it is what is the most important thing. The literature will also tell you that women who resist the requirements for reconciliation or hesitate are much more likely to resume the affair or not stop it at all.
(4) you need a VAR in her car. Yes, an attorney might tell you it is not legal in your state, but no decent lawyer is going to prosecute that for a cheating spouse, and thousands of folks on these forums have found out the truth quickly in days when they use this tool.
(5) you need to see an attorney and tell your wife you are doing that. Some will disagree with that but that is gthe one step that will immediately start to make her believe there are going to be some consequences that are not pleasant for her. It does NOT mean you are getting divorced but you need to be prepared in case what you uncover, and there is a lot more, becomes a deal breaker.
(6) if this OM is married, you tell his wife or partner WITHOUT telling you wife anything about your intentions.

And lastly, in a workplace affair, with the difficulties on stopping it, you need to tell her you are going to at some point unnanounced in the future demand that she take a polygraph test. Her reaction to that will tell you volumes as to how deep this goes. Those that have nothing to hide hide nothing.

I believe one of her girlfriends told you. That means others probably know what is going on, and you need to know if any of her friends are covering for her or encouraging her. The VAR will also tell you that very quickly.

Getting out of denial is the first and most important step. Stay away from MC of any kind right now . You MUST GET THE TRUTH before any steps are taken or you are wasting your time. And same goes for pursuing the "why". If she has been banging him three times a week for six months do you really give a **** why???? I hope the answer to that one is no.

Men who react quickly and decisively have better outcomes. You have to make a decision as to whether or not getting out of infidelity is your priority or staying married at all costs is. You may not be able to do both, but it is too early to tell yet.

Cam, DO NOT accept any excuses and the quickest way to knock them off the fence is to play hardball. When they actually believe there is going to be absolutely no cake eating and no stringing you along, you will be amazed at howe clearly their minds straighten out, or they leave. Both are better outcomes than staying in limbo for months or years.

I suggest you stay on this forum regardless of whether or not you like what you hear. Just about all the folks have been there and done that, some successfully and some not too successfully.
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post #36 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

I was in a workplace affair 25 years ago. I loved my husband, we had a great sex life, he was/is very handsome and had a great body. We had a ton of fun together and had started a family. The only thing at that point that was missing was real intimate conversation. We were busy, it wasnt his thing, and I needed it desperately. I did tell him this often but it came off as whining or neediness I think. What I SHOULD have done was get him to MC where we could have figured out how to meet each others needs properly and learn to communicate and love in a mature fashion.

What happened instead was a coworker saw a vulnerability in me and worked at it. He figured out that need for conversation and provided it- as a friend, then as a good friend. Soon he became the person I saved my thoughts and stories for. He seemed to "get" me so perfectly....We socialized in groups together- still innocent nothing going on here just friends...eventually we acknowledge we cared for each other but would never cross any boundaries- I loved my husband. Then we were out as a group, crossed the line, I vowed never to cross it again but the fog by then is pretty thick. The dopamine is roaring through you and you feel like an addict that cant do without. Because I was immature and selfish and lazy and feel good driven I continued.

I never thought of what it could do to my family or my husband. Not once-except somewhere in the back of my head i knew not to go PIV or oral as I thought that might be a deal breaker for him if he found out. I never wanted to leave my H. I wanted my cake and to eat it too. I wanted - like a selfish child-everything I wanted.

I broke the A up after about 6 mos because I couldnt take the psychological dysfunct of it all. My actions were not on parallell with my values, my love for my husband, or the view I had of myself and my marriage. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It brought me to my knees to pray for the strength to do it. I did it. I went to confession where I was told to say some hail mary's and be a good wife, I went to IC where I was told to keep it to myself as it would serve no purpose except to hurt H. I didnt tell. I lived with that secret and it prevented me from having a full loving relationship with H. After coming on TAM for other reasons - I suspected H of having an EA with a coworker- I read all the threads and realized the true depth of what I had done to him and how wrong and selfish it was to keep that knowledge from him. I had never truly thought about how it would make him feel knowing what i had done but I realized I owed it to him so I disclosed.

His feelings and his pain were identical to yours even 25 years later. It was as if I'd shoved a knife in his heart and kept twisting it all through the day every day. A little less and less as time has gone by. I promised I would tell him whatever details he wanted to know and I would be honest no matter how much it shamed me -we both felt physically sick -I told him I would do whatever it took to help him feel safe within the marriage- take a poly, give him access to my phone, etc..I told him very honestly that I never loved this guy- I loved the way he made me feel (seen and heard) at a time when I was feeling invisible within the marriage. I knew I would never allow myself to REPEAT my infidelity. I NEVER did before or after that guy. It was situational- I realized what I wanted was for my H to give me what I was getting from OM. I never wanted anyone else I only wanted MORE from my H. I also realized that I was capable of doing what I did so put safeguards in place so it would never happen again. MC, IC, no OS friendships...

In the beginning H felt like you- he often felt like throwing up and sometimes physically did. He cried away from me, yelled at me and called me names and swore. He had never done that before. He wanted to leave me but didnt want to. H often tells me that he is still hurting (a year and a half later)and trying to deal with the pain I caused. We have been going to MC, IC, a weekend marriage retreat, I went to an IC relationship retreat on my own, we have read books, church based marital therapy courses....(this was also in an effort to deal with his recent EA)

It is a rollercoaster of emotions. Not an easy road. We BOTH know we love each other still and want to be together. What we didnt know and are still figuring out is how to get there in a healthy way. We want a better marriage, a more intimate marriage, a happier marriage where WE learn to meet each others needs and find out what they are.

We will make it because we both want to. We love each other above all else. My point ....under the right circumstances it can work out. There are successful reconciliations. Ours is still a work in progress...

If my H had discovered my A 25 years ago while I was still in the fog what should he have done?

1.Say from a position of strength-I am not interested in sharing my wife. He can have you. I'm filing for a separation.

2.Let me know that he was going to DNA the kids, get tested for STD's to show just how much I had destroyed his trust-and how disgusted he was with me

3.Serve me with separation papers.

4.Go on a vacation and dont tell me where or with whom.

5.or/and as part of the 180 make sure there is a possibility I could suspect he was seeing someone else.

This would have shocked me out of my fog, let me see exactly the impact my actions and selfishness have had and experience the consequences for them, allow me to feel what its like to not have your cake, there is no better way to understand the devastation an A has than to experience what it feels like to even suspect your spouse is having one. I know this from experience.

Hindsight is 20/20 and of course I dont really know what would have happened if he'd done that but I suspect it would have forced a come to jesus moment....(to borrow @arbitrators words) Your wife will either be devastated and feel like she has lost her world prompting proper remorse (I think likely) or she could see this as her exit affair and not fight you on it and continue with the guy (it will never work out-he is only providing something your not- you have been providing all the rest)

Sorry so long, very sorry if I triggered anyone, I was trying to let you see things from another side- there is still hope, there are things you can do (also get yourself in IC asap) This experience is similar to having PTSD- you will need support

Last edited by nursejackie; 01-15-2017 at 09:40 AM.
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post #37 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
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Maybe everyone knew my wife was ****ing this dude except me and now I look like a joke. I've never felt this much humiliation in my life. I need her to show me the texts.
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post #38 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 09:55 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

does the OM wife know if not time to spread the cheer...this has to be done and I would to your wife that you both drive to his house together so she does not give him advance warning...

Last edited by Lostinthought61; 01-16-2017 at 06:41 AM.
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post #39 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 10:05 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by NoChoice View Post
OP,
Allow me to give you some insight into your wife's thinking or, better stated, lack thereof. You assume that because a person matures physically that they automatically mature mentally. This is sadly not the case. Physical maturation is biologically controlled however cognitive maturity is not. Although a person can be physically mature they do not look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, that requires stimulation. As the muscles are stressed they respond by increasing in mass. Cognitive maturity is very similar.

The brain develops biologically but it does not become strong without stimulation. I am sure you have heard the phrase "use it or lose it" but in this instance it is more accurately stated "use it or miss it". The neural network of synaptic connections is laid down as we mature psychologically by experiencing situations that force us to use our brains. Absent this stimulus, the brain simply has no reason to increase the synaptic network just as the muscles have no reason to increase mass without stress.

So then, understanding this, you must now be, as another poster has said, thrust into the role of parent/guardian to her. She cannot make decisions on her own therefore you must make them for her. If you do not she will continue to run amuck taking you and the family along for the ride. Some here will say that she made a calculated choice and it is true that she chose to do what she did but it was by no means calculated because she made the choice with the mind of a child.

Think of this; if a child wants a candy bar do they consider the effects of the sugar on their teeth? Do they "calculate" the rise in blood sugar and ensuing affect on their pancreas? Do they calculate how far into the acidic side of the ph scale it will push their body's balance? The answer is simply no, they haven't the cognitive ability to "calculate" all of that information. They can only make decisions based on what their limited intellect can "calculate" and that is "it tastes and feels good" to eat it. This is your W.

Let me introduce you to two phrases that you will hear repeatedly if you try to R with your W. One phrase is "I didn't think of that" and the other is "I don't know". When asked how she could possibly nuke your family as she has done she will say "I don't know". When pressed further and asked what she believed the effect would be on you and her children she will respond "I didn't think of that". Remember these phrases and the number of times you will hear them and you will see that what I am telling you is true.

So then it now falls to you to take charge. You do not ask her what she wants you tell her how it is going to be. If she balks at any of it then it is immediate D. Your only "power" in this situation is to take control and be her mind since hers is ill prepared to be an adult. Now here is the tough decision for you, do you want to live this way for the rest of your marriage? Unfortunately this condition is permanent. Science now tells us that the brain can develop into our mid twenties however, beyond that, neural growth is not possible. It is possible that, in rare occasions, the brain can utilize other neural pathways to modify behavior but this is extremely rare, nearing the point of impossible and it usually requires a stimulus of such magnitude so as to shock the mind into change.

This is the impetus behind filing and serving her at work. The bigger the shock the better chance it has of jolting her mind to change but again, that is only if her mind is even capable of utilizing those other synaptic connections and that is seldom the case. I regret having to tell you this but it may empower you somewhat to know what you are up against. Be a parent/guardian to her for the remainder of the marriage or find a mature woman to spend your life with. Also keep in mind that this is all contingent on whether or not the thought of D losing her family carries the significance in her mind to force her to modify her behavior. And make no mistake that, short of the epiphany explained above which is rare indeed, all she can do is modify, not change.

If the thought of losing her family, as she has known it, is not sufficient motivation for her to modify behavior then she will not comply and you will have no choice but to live with her "frolics" or D and move on. Ours is not an easy path, I wish you good fortune as you traverse yours.
I agree with some of this but she knew. She wouldn't be hiding it if she didn't know it was wrong she already said she didn't want to tell him because it would hurt him. Ignorance is not the case here, and should not be used as an excuse. Similar to when we here people say "I just wasn't thinking about my spouse" when they were having and affair, yeah except for all the sneaking and lying that had to do to them. You have to be thinking of someone when you are concocting a lie to trick them. She is not like a kid who touches the fire without knowing it is going to burn them for the first time. This gives her too much cover that she doesn't deserve. Personally I think they know they are just willing to risk it. Which makes it malice and much worse.

Also though this strategy may work, OP remember this will be your life now. Controlling another adult human being like they are a child. If it comes to that there are plenty of adult women who are more then capable of "thinking of that". Who want's to be married to someone so stupid. Really.
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post #40 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by nursejackie View Post
I was in a workplace affair 25 years ago. I loved my husband, we had a great sex life, he was/is very handsome and had a great body. We had a ton of fun together and had started a family. The only thing at that point that was missing was real intimate conversation. We were busy, it wasnt his thing, and I needed it desperately. I did tell him this often but it came off as whining or neediness I think. What I SHOULD have done was get him to MC where we could have figured out how to meet each others needs properly and learn to communicate and love in a mature fashion.

What happened instead was a coworker saw a vulnerability in me and worked at it. He figured out that need for conversation and provided it- as a friend, then as a good friend. Soon he became the person I saved my thoughts and stories for. He seemed to "get" me so perfectly....We socialized in groups together- still innocent nothing going on here just friends...eventually we acknowledge we cared for each other but would never cross any boundaries- I loved my husband. Then we were out as a group, crossed the line, I vowed never to cross it again but the fog by then is pretty thick. The dopamine is roaring through you and you feel like an addict that cant do without. Because I was immature and selfish and lazy and feel good driven I continued.

I never thought of what it could do to my family or my husband. Not once-except somewhere in the back of my head i knew not to go PIV or oral as I thought that might be a deal breaker for him if he found out. I never wanted to leave my H. I wanted my cake and to eat it too. I wanted - like a selfish child-everything I wanted.

I broke the A up after about 6 mos because I couldnt take the psychological dysfunct of it all. My actions were not on parallell with my values, my love for my husband, or the view I had of myself and my marriage. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It brought me to my knees to pray for the strength to do it. I did it. I went to confession where I was told to say some hail mary's and be a good wife, I went to IC where I was told to keep it to myself as it would serve no purpose except to hurt H. I didnt tell. I lived with that secret and it prevented me from having a full loving relationship with H. After coming on TAM for other reasons - I suspected H of having an EA with a coworker- I read all the threads and realized the true depth of what I had done to him and how wrong and selfish it was to keep that knowledge from him. I had never truly thought about how it would make him feel knowing what i had done but I realized I owed it to him so I disclosed.

His feelings and his pain were identical to yours even 25 years later. It was as if I'd shoved a knife in his heart and kept twisting it all through the day every day. A little less and less as time has gone by. I promised I would tell him whatever details he wanted to know and I would be honest no matter how much it shamed me -we both felt physically sick -I told him I would do whatever it took to help him feel safe within the marriage- take a poly, give him access to my phone, etc..I told him very honestly that I never loved this guy- I loved the way he made me feel (seen and heard) at a time when I was feeling invisible within the marriage. I knew I would never allow myself to REPEAT my infidelity. I NEVER did before or after that guy. It was situational- I realized what I wanted was for my H to give me what I was getting from OM. I never wanted anyone else I only wanted MORE from my H. I also realized that I was capable of doing what I did so put safeguards in place so it would never happen again. MC, IC, no OS friendships...

In the beginning H felt like you- he often felt like throwing up and sometimes physically did. He cried away from me, yelled at me and called me names and swore. He had never done that before. He wanted to leave me but didnt want to. H often tells me that he is still hurting (a year and a half later)and trying to deal with the pain I caused. We have been going to MC, IC, a weekend marriage retreat, I went to an IC relationship retreat on my own, we have read books, church based marital therapy courses....(this was also in an effort to deal with his recent EA)

It is a rollercoaster of emotions. Not an easy road. We BOTH know we love each other still and want to be together. What we didnt know and are still figuring out is how to get there in a healthy way. We want a better marriage, a more intimate marriage, a happier marriage where WE learn to meet each others needs and find out what they are.

We will make it because we both want to. We love each other above all else. My point ....under the right circumstances it can work out. There are successful reconciliations. Ours is still a work in progress...

If my H had discovered my A 25 years ago while I was still in the fog what should he have done?

1.Say from a position of strength-I am not interested in sharing my wife. He can have you. I'm filing for a separation.

2.Let me know that he was going to DNA the kids, get tested for STD's to show just how much I had destroyed his trust-and how disgusted he was with me

3.Serve me with separation papers.

4.Go on a vacation and dont tell me where or with whom.

5.or/and as part of the 180 make sure there is a possibility I could suspect he was seeing someone else.

This would have shocked me out of my fog, let me see exactly the impact my actions and selfishness have had and experience the consequences for them, allow me to feel what its like to not have your cake, there is no better way to understand the devastation an A has than to experience what it feels like to even suspect your spouse is having one. I know this from experience.

Hindsight is 20/20 and of course I dont really know what would have happened if he'd done that but I suspect it would have forced a come to jesus moment....(to borrow @arbitrators words) Your wife will either be devastated and feel like she has lost her world prompting proper remorse (I think likely) or she could see this as her exit affair and not fight you on it and continue with the guy (it will never work out-he is only providing something your not- you have been providing all the rest)

Sorry so long, very sorry if I triggered anyone, I was trying to let you see things from another side- there is still hope, there are things you can do (also get yourself in IC asap) This experience is similar to having PTSD- you will need support
This is an important post, it shows you what your wife is thinking, and what you can expect now for the rest of your marriage if you choose to continue it. Understand you will never go back to what it once was. There are 3 people in your marriage now and always, you, your wife, and the man she choose to betray you with.


Last edited by sokillme; 01-15-2017 at 10:29 AM.
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post #41 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 10:19 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by cam42 View Post
Maybe everyone knew my wife was ****ing this dude except me and now I look like a joke. I've never felt this much humiliation in my life. I need her to show me the texts.
Also my H's fear- that he had become some joke at that time. Never. Never talked about it with anyone at work- (10 years later my parents and a childhood friend) Never said a bad word about him to OM. In fact I spoke highly of him and OM said I made H sound like he was some kind of "Jesus". Again obviously not everyones experience but it is possible.

Take her phone and demand to see the texts if that is what you really need. It would give her some humiliating moments that she deserves
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post #42 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 10:25 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by cam42 View Post
Maybe everyone knew my wife was ****ing this dude except me and now I look like a joke. I've never felt this much humiliation in my life. I need her to show me the texts.
No one thinks you are a joke. All of us were shocked and blindsided. You did the honorable thing, you did what every woman want is her husband. You saw the best in her, put her on a pedestal and defended her. Again this makes you a very valuable spouse. Remember that if you choose to go on. So many woman out there want a man like you.

You are not a joke, she is. You are not her plan B, she is not yours. You are not a cheater, betrayer, emotional vampire. She is. And the best she can say about herself is that she was too stupid to really understand the damage it would cause, not even you, but her children. That's the best you an say.

Finally I suspect that the girlfriend who told you just made up that story and she has been seething about this for a very long time, she is probably like a lot of us who find cheating monstrous. It probably got tired of hearing about it from her and it got too much for her so she just made up a story to tell you. If I were you I would go to her and get the real story.

I'm sorry to tell you this but your wife is probably not the "kindest, sweetest, loyal person who I thought adored me" with her friends. I suspect she did what a lot of these "emotional vampires" do and hide her true nature from you. Her friends probably know it. I would let all her friends, and especially their husbands know what is going on. (Birds of a feather) Also tell her family. Shine a light on the darkness.
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post #43 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 10:43 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

This woman is saying she loves you right.

She basically said she thought of you as a room mate. So she is no longer in love with you. She was responsive to his advances because if this. She checked out long ago and just didn't let you know.

Going to try and get another poster that has gone through this samething to give you some advice, except his wife still denies anything was going on. He was support to get the OM' info a couple days ago.

Remember and keep telling yourself, she is not in love with you if she is able to do what she did. Confront her with this fact, see how she defends it. This was not some drunken ONS, she has a relationship with him..
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post #44 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 10:58 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by nursejackie View Post
I was in a workplace affair 25 years ago. I loved my husband, we had a great sex life, he was/is very handsome and had a great body. We had a ton of fun together and had started a family. The only thing at that point that was missing was real intimate conversation. We were busy, it wasnt his thing, and I needed it desperately. I did tell him this often but it came off as whining or neediness I think. What I SHOULD have done was get him to MC where we could have figured out how to meet each others needs properly and learn to communicate and love in a mature fashion.

What happened instead was a coworker saw a vulnerability in me and worked at it. He figured out that need for conversation and provided it- as a friend, then as a good friend. Soon he became the person I saved my thoughts and stories for. He seemed to "get" me so perfectly....We socialized in groups together- still innocent nothing going on here just friends...eventually we acknowledge we cared for each other but would never cross any boundaries- I loved my husband. Then we were out as a group, crossed the line, I vowed never to cross it again but the fog by then is pretty thick. The dopamine is roaring through you and you feel like an addict that cant do without. Because I was immature and selfish and lazy and feel good driven I continued.

I never thought of what it could do to my family or my husband. Not once-except somewhere in the back of my head i knew not to go PIV or oral as I thought that might be a deal breaker for him if he found out. I never wanted to leave my H. I wanted my cake and to eat it too. I wanted - like a selfish child-everything I wanted.

I broke the A up after about 6 mos because I couldnt take the psychological dysfunct of it all. My actions were not on parallell with my values, my love for my husband, or the view I had of myself and my marriage. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It brought me to my knees to pray for the strength to do it. I did it. I went to confession where I was told to say some hail mary's and be a good wife, I went to IC where I was told to keep it to myself as it would serve no purpose except to hurt H. I didnt tell. I lived with that secret and it prevented me from having a full loving relationship with H. After coming on TAM for other reasons - I suspected H of having an EA with a coworker- I read all the threads and realized the true depth of what I had done to him and how wrong and selfish it was to keep that knowledge from him. I had never truly thought about how it would make him feel knowing what i had done but I realized I owed it to him so I disclosed.

His feelings and his pain were identical to yours even 25 years later. It was as if I'd shoved a knife in his heart and kept twisting it all through the day every day. A little less and less as time has gone by. I promised I would tell him whatever details he wanted to know and I would be honest no matter how much it shamed me -we both felt physically sick -I told him I would do whatever it took to help him feel safe within the marriage- take a poly, give him access to my phone, etc..I told him very honestly that I never loved this guy- I loved the way he made me feel (seen and heard) at a time when I was feeling invisible within the marriage. I knew I would never allow myself to REPEAT my infidelity. I NEVER did before or after that guy. It was situational- I realized what I wanted was for my H to give me what I was getting from OM. I never wanted anyone else I only wanted MORE from my H. I also realized that I was capable of doing what I did so put safeguards in place so it would never happen again. MC, IC, no OS friendships...

In the beginning H felt like you- he often felt like throwing up and sometimes physically did. He cried away from me, yelled at me and called me names and swore. He had never done that before. He wanted to leave me but didnt want to. H often tells me that he is still hurting (a year and a half later)and trying to deal with the pain I caused. We have been going to MC, IC, a weekend marriage retreat, I went to an IC relationship retreat on my own, we have read books, church based marital therapy courses....(this was also in an effort to deal with his recent EA)

It is a rollercoaster of emotions. Not an easy road. We BOTH know we love each other still and want to be together. What we didnt know and are still figuring out is how to get there in a healthy way. We want a better marriage, a more intimate marriage, a happier marriage where WE learn to meet each others needs and find out what they are.

We will make it because we both want to. We love each other above all else. My point ....under the right circumstances it can work out. There are successful reconciliations. Ours is still a work in progress...

If my H had discovered my A 25 years ago while I was still in the fog what should he have done?

1.Say from a position of strength-I am not interested in sharing my wife. He can have you. I'm filing for a separation.

2.Let me know that he was going to DNA the kids, get tested for STD's to show just how much I had destroyed his trust-and how disgusted he was with me

3.Serve me with separation papers.

4.Go on a vacation and dont tell me where or with whom.

5.or/and as part of the 180 make sure there is a possibility I could suspect he was seeing someone else.

This would have shocked me out of my fog, let me see exactly the impact my actions and selfishness have had and experience the consequences for them, allow me to feel what its like to not have your cake, there is no better way to understand the devastation an A has than to experience what it feels like to even suspect your spouse is having one. I know this from experience.

Hindsight is 20/20 and of course I dont really know what would have happened if he'd done that but I suspect it would have forced a come to jesus moment....(to borrow @arbitrators words) Your wife will either be devastated and feel like she has lost her world prompting proper remorse (I think likely) or she could see this as her exit affair and not fight you on it and continue with the guy (it will never work out-he is only providing something your not- you have been providing all the rest)

Sorry so long, very sorry if I triggered anyone, I was trying to let you see things from another side- there is still hope, there are things you can do (also get yourself in IC asap) This experience is similar to having PTSD- you will need support
Holy sh!t. This is such a powerful post.

It shows how even a good woman in a good marriage can fall prey to adultery.

It holds out a SMALL chance that this might have not gone sexual. We TAMers are a very jaded bunch. When you've spent so much time here, SI, and LS you see the same thing but there are WWs who don't completely go down the rabbit hole.

I pray that OP's wife is one of the few that didn't take that far. Because I can tell that he's not one of the type that will be able to R with a wife that gave herself to another.

You need to try to get her to be completely honest. Let her believe that there is a possibility of R if she comes clean, quits her job, cuts all ties with OM, and completely makes herself an open book (phone tablet, all passwords, ETC).

The coming clean should include an accurate time line with facts and acts of what she's done with OM. If she claims that they've only kissed and petted, then a poly can prove that.

You must know what you're forgiving. The last thing you want to to do is start R with forgiving a non-sexual PA only to find out later that she not only had sex but also had anal and performed BJTC.

Last edited by jsmart; 01-15-2017 at 02:07 PM.
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post #45 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by cam42 View Post
She's offering to explain all the details, but I don't want to do it tonight because I actually want to get some sleep. I feel like ****ing **** what did this guy have that I didn't. Why didn't she just leave my ass and save me all of this. She asked me to come to bed with her sounded like an invitation to sex but I just declined. I'm so angry.
Tell her to write out a timeline of what happened. Every text. Every date they went on. What they did together - everything. Be prepared for more lying.

Two adults do not "date" for six months and go on romantic dinners and hold hands unless they are having sex. I am reminded of what a friend of mine said when he caught his wife in an affair where not only was it sexual, she had told the OM that she loved him because he made her feel alive (unlike her husband). I asked him what he was going to do. He said when a man is faced with this he can; 1. Break down and cry and beg her to stay. 2. Do the pick-me dance and try to "nice" her out of the affair. or 3. Accept that she chose to be with other man behind his back and wish her luck in her life after the divorce. He said he had to choose option 3 and divorced her. He said although he loved her dearly and cherished their family, he could not have any self respect if he over looked this.

Last edited by TDSC60; 01-15-2017 at 12:12 PM.
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