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post #46 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 12:09 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

You seem to already know this, but they undoubtedly had sex. Most adults do not withhold sex for very long, especially not after 6 months of sexting and PDAs. Your wife is no longer the same person that wouldn't lie to you. You have to change your way of thinking about her, and detach. You have become her adversary, and she is protecting her boyfriend. I know this is hard to wrap your head around, but it is absolutely true.

The likelihood that she will return to the marriage in any real sense is very low, and if she did, why would you want to share your life with someone that you now know is capable of this level of betrayal anyway? I would not want to risk my health and finances with such an deceitful and untrustworthy individual.

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post #47 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 12:33 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Are wayward spouses like really in an alternate universe? I've been reading and trying to understand more about this hell. I can only imagine that the wife and the OM are sneaking around on their lunch break having their way with each other. She's just acting ****ing strange. Why couldn't she have just made it easier and asked for a divorced instead of doing this **** to me. She gave me a hug today and I should of declined it.
I asked that exact question to my WW the night of DD. She responded "I never stopped loving you." So If you love me... you Fu-k another man and tell him that you love him. Pure Bat-Sh!t cra cra logic from the wayward.

BTW, she was definitely f''ing this OM. And... this probably wasn't your WW first rodeo.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
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post #48 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 12:51 PM
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Cool Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Maybe everyone knew my wife was ****ing this dude except me and now I look like a joke. I've never felt this much humiliation in my life. I need her to show me the texts.
Cam: Browse my rather lengthy thread to see exactly just how blindsided I was by my sneaky, lying, unrepentant RSXW!

Let's just say that I had to be the biggest, most trusting idiot in the world!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #49 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:03 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Cam,

I'm sorry you're here mate, you've been given some great advice so far, many of us, me included are going down this road, believe us when we say that cheaters all follow the same script. Anything you know or think you know is purely the tip of the iceberg. Don't be fooled that you caught this early or it didn't go physical. This has been going on for a good while and is absolutely a physical affair. See....another thing to be aware is cheaters minimise minimise minimise all they can to save their skin. It's evident she doesn't love nor respect you, is that something someone would be doing if they did?

What's happened here is a starting gun fired and your wayward wife went and blasted two laps round the disengage / detach circuit before discovery. Now is the time for you to come out the blocks and catch up. During this first lap you're on autopilot because of the emotional abuse you've been subjected to. So take the steps that's been advised to you and let us help you until you gain clarity.

If she's not willing to open up
All social media access passwords the lot
Bank statements for the last 12 months from all her accounts
Mobile phone access and pass codes

Then that's very telling.

Very strong and fast decisive action is needed here to regain control, and control is the key word. If you feel in your gut, if she stalls telling you anything you need to know, refuses to write a timeline, doesn't show genuine remorse then it's time to file.

Read up on the 180 and begin to live it.

'You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.'
Bob Marley

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
Corrie ten Boom,
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post #50 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:06 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

one problem with this website is it is populated by betrayed people, many of whom remain bitter about it. So when most of them tell you "for sure she has physically done this guy"...it actually is not certain at all. She could go on for years just holding hands and talking to this guy. A lot of people simply can not go over the line to physically cheat that way.

So i would be looking for some actual proof: Hotel receipts, tracing her phone to a hotel room, a VAR in the car talking about what sex acts they just did, her admition, keylogger, recovered texts/emails, and on and on. It is possible you nipped this in the bud before it went too far. Keep looking

She SHOULD have given you passwords to all her acconts, so go looking thru them.
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post #51 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:27 PM
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Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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one problem with this website is it is populated by betrayed people, many of whom remain bitter about it. So when most of them tell you "for sure she has physically done this guy"...it actually is not certain at all. She could go on for years just holding hands and talking to this guy. A lot of people simply can not go over the line to physically cheat that way.

So i would be looking for some actual proof: Hotel receipts, tracing her phone to a hotel room, a VAR in the car talking about what sex acts they just did, her admition, keylogger, recovered texts/emails, and on and on. It is possible you nipped this in the bud before it went too far. Keep looking

She SHOULD have given you passwords to all her acconts, so go looking thru them.


True. There are many betrayed here. And some are bitter. But there are also many cheaters here who agree with the advice.

PIV is possible. If mutual feelings, it's pretty likely. Definitely? No. Unless he sees it or she admits.

To many, emotional cheating is as bad or worse than PIV.

But PIV or not, the situation is very bad and the advice is the same.
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post #52 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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I asked that exact question to my WW the night of DD. She responded "I never stopped loving you." So If you love me... you Fu-k another man and tell him that you love him. Pure Bat-Sh!t cra cra logic from the wayward.

BTW, she was definitely f''ing this OM. And... this probably wasn't your WW first rodeo.
This just shows what her love is worth. Not much. I would rather she hated me in this instance. Plus I think it's probably Bull*** it makes no sense.
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post #53 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:37 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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one problem with this website is it is populated by betrayed people, many of whom remain bitter about it. So when most of them tell you "for sure she has physically done this guy"...it actually is not certain at all. She could go on for years just holding hands and talking to this guy.
Who cares, cheating is cheating.

Besides all that he needs to get out of infidelity.
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post #54 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:39 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Okay, optimists, where do you place the odds of it not going physical here? This is a 41 yr old who is admittedly falling for, going on cuddly dates, and sexting with a coworker. I give it a <1% chance it hasn't gone PIV. Sexting means she probably doesn't have moral or religious hangups getting in the way. As local coworkers, they have AMPLE opportunity.

And, at the end of the day, the only difference that it not being physical makes is that she didn't risk exposing OP to a STD.
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post #55 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:45 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

OP don't feel bad about trusting her, you are not a joke, she used your natural instinct as a husband against you. You wanted to trust and protect your wife, put her on a pedestal. It is that part of your nature that she used against you. That is what makes so very cruel. As good husbands we open our flanks, in a way, because we are trying wholeheartedly to provide for them, and protect them. Some wives use this to sneak around and take advantage of us.

Wives who get cheated on have their nature cruelly used against them too. That is part of what makes the whole thing so insidious.

I would also get tested and let your wife see it. This will also give her some idea of the impact it has had on your lives.

Hang in there, again their really is hope. The deathstar may be gunning for you, but their is a flaw in the design, it's called time.

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post #56 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:54 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

There is a VERY likely chance that it's sexual but there are some PAs that don't go to the sexual level.

Part of it is the timidness of SOME MM and the chickening out at the last minute from both parties. Then there's the logistics that can make it difficult for those with some dignity to resort to sex acts in a car or risking having a hotel charge on credit card. Not every wayward is a mastermind.

Having said all that, the chances are VERY high that sex happened.
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post #57 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 02:05 PM
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I was in a workplace affair 25 years ago. I loved my husband, we had a great sex life, he was/is very handsome and had a great body. We had a ton of fun together and had started a family. The only thing at that point that was missing was real intimate conversation. We were busy, it wasnt his thing, and I needed it desperately. I did tell him this often but it came off as whining or neediness I think. What I SHOULD have done was get him to MC where we could have figured out how to meet each others needs properly and learn to communicate and love in a mature fashion.

What happened instead was a coworker saw a vulnerability in me and worked at it. He figured out that need for conversation and provided it- as a friend, then as a good friend. Soon he became the person I saved my thoughts and stories for. He seemed to "get" me so perfectly....We socialized in groups together- still innocent nothing going on here just friends...eventually we acknowledge we cared for each other but would never cross any boundaries- I loved my husband. Then we were out as a group, crossed the line, I vowed never to cross it again but the fog by then is pretty thick. The dopamine is roaring through you and you feel like an addict that cant do without. Because I was immature and selfish and lazy and feel good driven I continued.

I never thought of what it could do to my family or my husband. Not once-except somewhere in the back of my head i knew not to go PIV or oral as I thought that might be a deal breaker for him if he found out. I never wanted to leave my H. I wanted my cake and to eat it too. I wanted - like a selfish child-everything I wanted.

I broke the A up after about 6 mos because I couldnt take the psychological dysfunct of it all. My actions were not on parallell with my values, my love for my husband, or the view I had of myself and my marriage. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It brought me to my knees to pray for the strength to do it. I did it. I went to confession where I was told to say some hail mary's and be a good wife, I went to IC where I was told to keep it to myself as it would serve no purpose except to hurt H. I didnt tell. I lived with that secret and it prevented me from having a full loving relationship with H. After coming on TAM for other reasons - I suspected H of having an EA with a coworker- I read all the threads and realized the true depth of what I had done to him and how wrong and selfish it was to keep that knowledge from him. I had never truly thought about how it would make him feel knowing what i had done but I realized I owed it to him so I disclosed.

His feelings and his pain were identical to yours even 25 years later. It was as if I'd shoved a knife in his heart and kept twisting it all through the day every day. A little less and less as time has gone by. I promised I would tell him whatever details he wanted to know and I would be honest no matter how much it shamed me -we both felt physically sick -I told him I would do whatever it took to help him feel safe within the marriage- take a poly, give him access to my phone, etc..I told him very honestly that I never loved this guy- I loved the way he made me feel (seen and heard) at a time when I was feeling invisible within the marriage. I knew I would never allow myself to REPEAT my infidelity. I NEVER did before or after that guy. It was situational- I realized what I wanted was for my H to give me what I was getting from OM. I never wanted anyone else I only wanted MORE from my H. I also realized that I was capable of doing what I did so put safeguards in place so it would never happen again. MC, IC, no OS friendships...

In the beginning H felt like you- he often felt like throwing up and sometimes physically did. He cried away from me, yelled at me and called me names and swore. He had never done that before. He wanted to leave me but didnt want to. H often tells me that he is still hurting (a year and a half later)and trying to deal with the pain I caused. We have been going to MC, IC, a weekend marriage retreat, I went to an IC relationship retreat on my own, we have read books, church based marital therapy courses....(this was also in an effort to deal with his recent EA)

It is a rollercoaster of emotions. Not an easy road. We BOTH know we love each other still and want to be together. What we didnt know and are still figuring out is how to get there in a healthy way. We want a better marriage, a more intimate marriage, a happier marriage where WE learn to meet each others needs and find out what they are.

We will make it because we both want to. We love each other above all else. My point ....under the right circumstances it can work out. There are successful reconciliations. Ours is still a work in progress...

If my H had discovered my A 25 years ago while I was still in the fog what should he have done?

1.Say from a position of strength-I am not interested in sharing my wife. He can have you. I'm filing for a separation.

2.Let me know that he was going to DNA the kids, get tested for STD's to show just how much I had destroyed his trust-and how disgusted he was with me

3.Serve me with separation papers.

4.Go on a vacation and dont tell me where or with whom.

5.or/and as part of the 180 make sure there is a possibility I could suspect he was seeing someone else.

This would have shocked me out of my fog, let me see exactly the impact my actions and selfishness have had and experience the consequences for them, allow me to feel what its like to not have your cake, there is no better way to understand the devastation an A has than to experience what it feels like to even suspect your spouse is having one. I know this from experience.

Hindsight is 20/20 and of course I dont really know what would have happened if he'd done that but I suspect it would have forced a come to jesus moment....(to borrow @arbitrators words) Your wife will either be devastated and feel like she has lost her world prompting proper remorse (I think likely) or she could see this as her exit affair and not fight you on it and continue with the guy (it will never work out-he is only providing something your not- you have been providing all the rest)

Sorry so long, very sorry if I triggered anyone, I was trying to let you see things from another side- there is still hope, there are things you can do (also get yourself in IC asap) This experience is similar to having PTSD- you will need support
NJ: This confession of yours is so heartfelt and revealing!

I'm in no way making excuses for what my RSXW covertly and blindsidedly did to me, but now I can see that she made me a part of the equation because I grew impatiently tired of her and her dopehead, tatted thugs of hers! I developed the mantra of not listening to her because of her severe deficiency of raising these jive ass kids of hers who made me ashamed to be a part of the household and of the community!

She threw money at them for their drugs, cigarettes, and tattoos, bailed them out of jail, paid their legal expenses, bought them cars, and even bought them a flophouse to live in! She would not listen to me in my pleas for her to exercise tough-love in throwing her doped-up, goth kids out of the door and out into the cold!

Greatly to the point that I quit listening to her because she wouldn't listen to me nor our MC who also said that the kids needed to go!

No one quite had the need of having to have an ear to talk to as much as she did, as she could literally talk for hours upon end! When I quit being her sounding board, it is my theory that these two men from her past assumed that position in her life!

Like me, they didn't give a rats a$$ about her dopehead kids, or her minor investment problems ~ they gave her an open ear ~ greatly to the point that over a short matter of time, as they opened their ears to them on her trips to their venues, she opened her thighs to them, without me ever having the first damned clue as I trusted at least our fidelity for each other implicitly!

So now that Ol' Arb has put 2+2 together, I can now see that I too was to partially blame for what she did, but never to the point of ever vaguely wanting or desiring to ever cheat on her ~ more especially the way that she did to me!

Thanks, @nursejackie for your heartfelt confession that has opened my unbelieving eyes in so many ways!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 01-15-2017 at 02:13 PM. Reason: Edification
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post #58 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 02:08 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Cam, @Nursejacke and @drifting on both gave you excellent summaries of posts to date. Spend the money (144.00? One time fee) and get PM access. Contact Drifting !!! If his marriage can be saved yours can. But first you have to mentally let her go and act like it. That means learning and living the 180. Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums. Someone will post the let her go posts for you soon.

Second you need to expose the adultery. Your wife is not a wyore or a shyt. She is an adulterous. A much colder and judgmental term. Do not use the word affair. I had a two month affair soph year in college over the summer. My exWW had an adulterous relationship. The act of adultery damage/destroys a marriage. This damages/destroys the children first, spouse second, extend family third and finally mutual friendships. Just peachee keen, way to go. Anyway I am going to paste the first post on the need to expose as often when DDay and the days after the BS has an inability to focus. Please review links when provided.

From MB *espousal 101*

Exposure is simply your most powerful weapon against an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure can be ruinous. Exposure is no guarantee, but it is your best bet at killing the affair and making it possible to save your marriage. YES, we know your spouse will be furious, but the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all cost. Your marriage can survive his/her temporary anger; it cannot survive an ongoing affair. Read up on why exposure is so effective: When Should an Affair Be Exposed?*

Originally Posted By: Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."


Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley
"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."


Dr Harley tells a betrayed husband he is an "enabler" for not exposing his wife's affair: radio clip*

Dr Harley tells BTinTrouble to "expose the heck out of his wife's affair" [exposure saved their marriage, btw] radio clip here*

Exposure targets
Parents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the BS, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor. Facebook friends of affair partner.*

Exposure Timing
Exposure should be done immediately. The longer you wait, the more entrenched the affair becomes. There is never any “perfect” time to expose, so don’t delay while looking for an imaginary perfect time.*

Expose on the SAME DAY – or as close as possible – in order to achieve a tsunami effect. The affairees should be completely taken by surprise. Doing this creates a powerful hit on the affair and prevents the affairees from pre-empting you

Exposure Tactics

Spouse of affair partner- Give your full name, phone # and email address. Tell the other BS all about the affair, offer to share all evidence with him/her. Offer to follow up to ensure that contact is truly ended and ask the other BS to do the same. The other BS will be shocked when you tell him, so be sure and give your email address and phone # for follow up questions. ALWAYS GIVE THE OTHER BS YOUR WS'S PHONE # IN CASE HE/SHE WANTS TO CALL.*

Parents, close family, friends – Tell them about the affair, giving them names, general timelines, etc. Explain you are attempting to save your marriage and would be willing to forgive your WS if he/she ended the affair. Ask them to use their influence to persuade the WS to end her affair. A way to save time is to call both sets of parents and send an email to the other close family and friends. Template letter posted below

Parents of affair partner. Give your full name and explain why you are calling. Ask them to use their influence with their son/daughter to persuade them to leave your spouse alone. It might also help if the PARENT of the WS calls them too.*

Workplace exposure: Expose to Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both of the affairee’s supervisors using the template letter posted below.

Facebook exposure: Should be done to the affair partner’s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the AP’s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM’S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children. Template letters posted below.


Send the Evidence! Provide the evidence via email to your exposure targets. One ideal way to do this is to start up a website, upload your evidence and send out the link to everyone. This prevents the WS from denying there is an affair.

The Fallout
Expect your spouse to be FURIOUS and to make all manner of threats, “I was going to work on the marriage, now I am not!!” “I cannot trust you” “You have to pack and leave!!” “You have ruined any chance you had!!” Do not let this bother you!! Just imagine that you have taken the crackpipe away from the crack head. Of course they are angry. But it will blow over. Don’t laugh, don’t fight, don't attempt to reason with them, and most of all, don’t be SCARED! Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair! The madder your WS, the harder you hit the target!*

The goal is to save your marriage, NOT to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all costs.

Just say, "I am so sorry you are upset.. Can I get you a potato chip?" *

Common Exposure Mistakes

Telling the WS that you got the idea to expose on the internet rather than taking ownership of your actions. Then the discussion becomes “who???” When the WS is told it was Marriage Builders, the WS is forever jaundiced against Marriage Builders, which harms future recovery chances. You need to OWN IT. Saying somebody told you to do it does not work for 5 year olds and it won’t work for you!

Keeping exposure a secret. Yes, you read right. But we have had exposure targets say “ok, I will keep this a secret!!” And they never tell the WS they know. That defeats the entire purpose. If that person won’t help you by speaking to your WS, at least TELL the WS that person knows.*

Doing trickle exposures. Meaning exposing to just a few people but not to everyone that could have an influence. Trickle exposures are a disaster because they are not enough to kill the affair but just enough to infuriate the WS enough to come after the BS. So the exposure essentially only served to beat down the already beaten BS for no benefit.

Eliminating exposure targets because that person “has no influence over my WS” even though this is a person with long history over the WS. Such as a mother or father. Such targets cannot be dismissed on such a subjective basis because the BS CANNOT PREDICT WHO WILL OR WON’T HAVE AN INFLUENCE OVER THE WS. Sorry, but unless you are psychic and your name is Madame Cleo, you don’t know. Many WS are estranged from a parent, sibling, pastor but that is not a knock out factor.*

Threatening to expose. Using exposure as a threat only serves to forewarn the affairees and cause them to go further underground. All you have achieved is to give the enemy your battle plan so they can come back and kick your rear tomorrow. It also gives them an opportunity to pre-empt you and tell others you are “crazy” “jealous”. Then then when you do expose no one will take you seriously. Threatening to expose is the equivalent of giving your battle plan to the enemy. Don't do that!

Deleting or throwing away evidence after the affair is killed. DO NOT DO THIS! You will need this in case the affair starts up again or if you get divorced. Yes, we know you don't want to be triggered. Fine. Then bag up the evidence and put it somewhere for safekeeping. Do not throw it away!

Here is the link*Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #59 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 02:18 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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So now that Ol' Arb has put 2+2 together, I can now see that I too was to partially blame for what she did, but never to the point of ever vaguely wanting or desiring to ever cheat on her ~ more especially the way that she did to me!

Thanks, @nursejackie for your heartfelt confession that has opened my unbelieving eyes in so many ways!
No offense AB but your situation and nursejackie's don't sound similar at all. Your wife is nothing like nursejackie. You may have stayed too long in the situation, but with the way your wife was acting something is very wrong and you have nothing to do with that.

I don't think nursejackie is saying her husband is at all to blame for her cheating as well. I think she is just trying to help OP see where her mind was at and that it didn't have anything to do with her husband. Sadly the fact that that is the case also points out that her mind was no where on her husband when is should have been. That is very scary and, in my opinion, rightfully a deal breaker for most.
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post #60 of 1144 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 02:28 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Did you catch the fact any child over the age of four. Understand many posters feel overall this site is toxic because it is to easy on the WS, and by and large I think they are right!!!

Please get PM access sooner than later. I have many saved posts that can help. Nursejackie described exactly how this guy did it. A post I have can give you a step by step how to. It will help your understand how she could do this. Which does not mean she is not responsible.

The first rule is the adultery must end today!! Separation/divorce or agreement to stop and discuss ATTEMPING (not achieving) reconciliation. Exposure is a necessary step in either case. The second is make a plan Stan. No matter what you need to plan both a divorce and post divorce life and complete the necessary paper work. You WW must know to the bone she is completely box in and the walls are closing in. Exposure stops so many problems with rewriting, justification, support for the adultery from friends and family. Forms filled sets a time table.

Re-read drifting on post. Did you notce what he did not do??? He showed no anger only resolve. Who is your friend and how did it turn out for him?
Be well end the infidelity today.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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