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post #61 of 1161 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 03:04 PM
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Cool Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
No offense AB but your situation and nursejackie's don't sound similar at all. Your wife is nothing like nursejackie. You may have stayed too long in the situation, but with the way your wife was acting something is very wrong and you have nothing to do with that.

I don't think nursejackie is saying her husband is at all to blame for her cheating as well. I think she is just trying to help OP see where her mind was at and that it didn't have anything to do with her husband. Sadly the fact that that is the case also points out that her mind was no where on her husband when is should have been. That is very scary and, in my opinion, rightfully a deal breaker for most.
Clearly, they are nothing alike, and I still contend that my role in our demise was quite minimal compared to that of my RSXW! IMHO, @nursejackie is to be totally commended for her brutal honesty!

What I was simply conveying and am in total agreement with was that our relationship ended, clearly on her part, when she refused to listen to either me or our marriage counselor! Unlike the MC, I turned my ears and my emotions away from her because I felt that I had no other recourse! To wit, I either indirectly drove her away, or she was ready to walk anyway!

So she apparently took her mouth elsewhere to men from her past, who otherwise might not have given a rats a$$ about the content of what she was saying, but because they took the time to open their ears to listen to her, she took the time to become both emotionally and physically attached to them, all without the remotest suspicion on my part!



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Last edited by arbitrator; 01-15-2017 at 04:37 PM. Reason: Edification
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post #62 of 1161 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 06:10 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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This can't be happening to me. I don't want to be a part time dad I don't want to lose my wife I DON'T WANT A LIFE WITHOUT MY WIFE AND KIDS. I am panicking ****
OP, I can feel your pain through your posts...what you are going through is horrendous, and you're still in shock. PLEASE don't let that cloud your judgement and make you waffle on this. Your wife needs a big BIG wake up call. Her world needs to be rocked. She needs to have it rammed home exactly what she's losing. File for divorce, remember that you can stop the process at any time...it doesn't have to be permanent.
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post #63 of 1161 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 07:22 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

The only thing that stands out here is that she was still having sex with you. That usually indicates that she was not totally in love with the Posom. However, it could mean she can't separate her love for you and engage in recreational sex with other men.

Use dr. fone to recover her texts. Get a car for her car, Velcro under her seat. Get var for the house bane you are conveniently not there. Put a gps on her car.

The most important thing is that she stops contacting him immediately. Especially at work. Make her quit now. She doesn't quit ask her to leave the house and you keep the kids.

Strength will win this battle.
Get the MMSLP book linked to below. You have fallen down in the romancing the wife dept.


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post #64 of 1161 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 10:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Hey guys I've read all the posts and couldn't thank you all more for helping me through this difficult time. You guys probably care more about my well being than my so called life partner.

Anyway the other man's wife says she has the whole story of the affair text messages, love notes, everything her husband confessed as he's begging her not to divorce him. I know I can't rely on her but having someone that's going through the same exact situation. Were supposed to have a meet up and talk all about this, he also broke contact with my wife yesterday. She said he was crying like a baby and begging her not to divorce.

So yeah she wants to meet up with me, any advice on how to go about this? Only me and her and not our spouses.
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post #65 of 1161 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 10:43 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Sad to here dude. Were you right was it a PA? Hang in there. Keep hope in the window of your prison right now and keep looking out at it. That is where you are headed.
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post #66 of 1161 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 10:47 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

This is the classic story. We're at the point where OM dumps your W to save his family. Given that, I bet she'll 'see the light' after a couple days of no contact with her boyfriend, and want to reconcile your marriage. Don't be a doormat. File.
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post #67 of 1161 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 11:01 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by cam42 View Post
Hey guys I've read all the posts and couldn't thank you all more for helping me through this difficult time. You guys probably care more about my well being than my so called life partner.

Anyway the other man's wife says she has the whole story of the affair text messages, love notes, everything her husband confessed as he's begging her not to divorce him. I know I can't rely on her but having someone that's going through the same exact situation. Were supposed to have a meet up and talk all about this, he also broke contact with my wife yesterday. She said he was crying like a baby and begging her not to divorce.

So yeah she wants to meet up with me, any advice on how to go about this? Only me and her and not our spouses.
ask her for a copy. meet somewhere you can make a copy of all evidence she has (like a library) where you have access to a computer and a physical copier/scanner.

Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.
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post #68 of 1161 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 11:28 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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This is the classic story. We're at the point where OM dumps your W to save his family. Given that, I bet she'll 'see the light' after a couple days of no contact with her boyfriend, and want to reconcile your marriage. Don't be a doormat. File.
Adding to this. Many people dealing with the pain, welcome their spouses back and rug sweep, once the shock wears off in a year or two, see the crap deal they got end up resenting it and hating their lives. Think long and hard about this. Don't settle for your cheating wife just because it's what you know. The woman that was your wife is dead.
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post #69 of 1161 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 12:34 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Quote:
Originally Posted by cam42 View Post
Hey guys I've read all the posts and couldn't thank you all more for helping me through this difficult time. You guys probably care more about my well being than my so called life partner.

Anyway the other man's wife says she has the whole story of the affair text messages, love notes, everything her husband confessed as he's begging her not to divorce him. I know I can't rely on her but having someone that's going through the same exact situation. Were supposed to have a meet up and talk all about this, he also broke contact with my wife yesterday. She said he was crying like a baby and begging her not to divorce.

So yeah she wants to meet up with me, any advice on how to go about this? Only me and her and not our spouses.
Unless he confessed to sex, he's putting on a huge snow job, so have some salt and a shovel nearby.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #70 of 1161 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 01:23 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

It's good to meet to compare notes and to set up a system of how to warn each other if one you sees something fishy. Don't be surprised if she's found nude pics of your wife, or proclamations of love, and evidence of sex. You should get Dr Phone to retrieve deleted text, snap chats, and emails.

Not that it would happen but you guys hooking up for at least a ONS would be some sweet justice that I'm sure both of you would enjoy.

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post #71 of 1161 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 01:48 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

It's essential that you remain logical at all times when dealing with your now emotional wife. Remember that real remorse requires time and immense effort in her part. You are not required to take her back, it's a choice that must be decided by you and you alone, when the time is right for you.

You'll have experience from many sides here - those who have successfully reconciled, those who agreed to reconcile and found it unsuccessful, and those who ended things immediately and moved on. This journey will help you to find the person you are and who you will become for your future - to not short change yourself by making any hasty decisions.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #72 of 1161 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 01:50 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow

Last edited by Satya; 01-16-2017 at 01:51 AM. Reason: Accidental post
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post #73 of 1161 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 04:07 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Do what is right for you.

Listen to the advice on TAM and from people in your life but do not follow any advice slavishly.

We will be here for you no matter what decisions you make.


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post #74 of 1161 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 07:53 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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NJ: This confession of yours is so heartfelt and revealing!

I'm in no way making excuses for what my RSXW covertly and blindsidedly did to me, but now I can see that she made me a part of the equation because I grew impatiently tired of her and her dopehead, tatted thugs of hers! I developed the mantra of not listening to her because of her severe deficiency of raising these jive ass kids of hers who made me ashamed to be a part of the household and of the community!

She threw money at them for their drugs, cigarettes, and tattoos, bailed them out of jail, paid their legal expenses, bought them cars, and even bought them a flophouse to live in! She would not listen to me in my pleas for her to exercise tough-love in throwing her doped-up, goth kids out of the door and out into the cold!

Greatly to the point that I quit listening to her because she wouldn't listen to me nor our MC who also said that the kids needed to go!

No one quite had the need of having to have an ear to talk to as much as she did, as she could literally talk for hours upon end! When I quit being her sounding board, it is my theory that these two men from her past assumed that position in her life!

Like me, they didn't give a rats a$$ about her dopehead kids, or her minor investment problems ~ they gave her an open ear ~ greatly to the point that over a short matter of time, as they opened their ears to them on her trips to their venues, she opened her thighs to them, without me ever having the first damned clue as I trusted at least our fidelity for each other implicitly!

So now that Ol' Arb has put 2+2 together, I can now see that I too was to partially blame for what she did, but never to the point of ever vaguely wanting or desiring to ever cheat on her ~ more especially the way that she did to me!

Thanks, @nursejackie for your heartfelt confession that has opened my unbelieving eyes in so many ways!
@arbitrator -tough to put emotions into words sometimes (your descriptions however make your sentiments very clear- I always get a chuckle out of them!)
I know you know I was not in any way putting the blame on a BS, and certainly not you! I was just trying to let him know where a WW head might be. Given the right set of s#it piles......and how circumstances can make someone an easier target for a POS predator. Still and always my choice, my fault, my mess to clean up.
Your ears may have gone deaf after banging your head against the wall for so long trying to make her understand some sense...She didnt even listen to the MC's advice! It is very sad what she put you through. She sure wasnt helping her kids any either.

@JohnA - exactly! I read that list of yours when you posted it before. I think that was when I realized just what a giant Turd OM was. Calculating, manipulative with one end in mind- and it wasnt handholding....I was stupid and a s#ithead myself for having such poor boundaries and falling for all that crap. I told H I wouldnt care if he went and put a bullet through the guys head...at times he'd like to- I figure it helps him to know I'd just shrug my shoulders and take his hand if he did....probably not the right emoticon

Cam -you dont want to cut your nose off to spite your face- you want it to APPEAR as if that is what you are willing to do..if it later seems like there is remorse and still love between the two of you- you can change your mind and try to make it work if that would be best for YOU.

It is about looking at all the opinions here and recognizing your situation is unique because the individuals are unique. My MC says it is always more difficult to divorce than to reconcile. More difficult emotionally, financially etc. and she has been divorced. She is now happily remarried but said if she had the hindsight and tools to save the first marriage she would have tried much harder looking back. Reconciliation is not for everyone just dont take it off the table yet.

I am sorry you are hurting.
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post #75 of 1161 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 08:05 AM
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Hey Cam... sorry you're here too. I am in the same boat with facing the disappointment of finding out the person you thought you loved never existed.

I wish I had as much evidence as you. It's a gift even though it doesn't seem like it because it hurts. Use it wisely!
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