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post #751 of 1159 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 09:03 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by Doyle View Post
Just wanted to say from what I read on here it seems like most waywards
seem to break N/C.

It just seems to be normal for them.
Compared to what they already did it only seems like a minor transgression and it's just not hard to rationalize a "last meeting/call/letter" if you were already able to rationalize having an entire affair.

Also if they are not already facing consequences because of the A they don't believe that would sway the BS's opinion and if they are already facing consequences, it can't get worse so who cares.

And the risk-reward-ratio isn't too bad, at least in their minds.

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post #752 of 1159 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

What if he had desired to be with your wife when they broke no contact. Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't he the one that broke it off.

I am just don't see why they had to meet to say they wanted to stay in their marriages. Or was it to see if they want to try and make it together.
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post #753 of 1159 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 11:40 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by ABHale View Post
What if he had desired to be with your wife when they broke no contact. Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't he the one that broke it off.

I am just don't see why they had to meet to say they wanted to stay in their marriages. Or was it to see if they want to try and make it together.
Cam,

This is what many are wondering. This crap about most breaking NC is NOT a proven fact, and breaking NC in an e mail or text is a hell of a lot different than sitting and "deciding" what they want to do.
It is obvious from your posts that OM wife knew first, and she obviously did not play the "pick me game" because OM was according to her begging from the gitgo to not have her divorce him. Unfortunately for you, based on what YOU have posted, your wife would have continued, and now you have no clue which one of them initiated the discussion, if you want to call it that and if that is all it was. Remember the questions are yes/no and you asked if she had had sex with any other men. Her breaking NC was confessed before the test and you DID NOT ask if the breaking of NC and "discussion time" included anything physical. These "in person ' closure" meetings very often wind up in sex of some kind.

Lets talk about remorse Cam. it is bull crap that she has all this remorse. If you remember, this self devastation occurred for the most part AFTER she got served. before that, anyone who would call that remorse I'd like to sell a bridge to. That is why I hope you know that you smartest move to date, and there have been a number of them, was to file for divorce, whether or not you divorce or not.

Now before the reconcile at all cost crowd gets all excited, I am NOT suggesting to you what you should do regarding to D or R. Our job here is to help you think of all the pitfalls and traps so you do not wind up with another D Day.

Cam, right now your wife is a mess, as are you. And probably your kids. There is no doubt she is very sorry NOW and out of self preservation has done some things that could and should be considered positive. What you have to get through is would she have had the same demeanor had OM wanted to be with her, and how on earth if he is set loose you will feel knowing he is out there.
My guess is as long as his wife is keeping her marriage to him intact that since she played nuclear right from the start that HE will not come "fishing". if that does not happen, all bets are off, and it will start with a seemingly innocuous communication asking "how are you doing". And based upon their amicable "parting of the ways", do not bet your 401K that your wife will do the right thing and bring that communication and ask you how or if to respond.

Your wife is also dreading work, which is why she offered to quit. you need to dig on that one, and you will find out her office friends either knew it all or were suspicious. if they saw her get served, its very understandable why she is so willing to quit, as well as her knowing if she quits you get more whacked financially if you do decide to divorce. You are too smart to let her quit, and you damm well better find out who she socializes with is your "friend" or "enemy of your marriage". i am not the only one who has told you that and no response. ignore that advice at your own risk.

Cam, there are some of us who would divorce over what she has done, and some who would reconcile even if she banged him again. That is your decision. You are now in a start of a long long journey if you stay with her, and if you choose that you should make it clear in a calm way that there are no more NC breaks allowed of any kind. And I would also tell her, even if you have no intention of doing it, that you may put her in front of a polygraph examiner at some time in the future to confirm she has maintained NC. She should agree to that with no hesitation.

When you tell her what you accept and will not accept, and please do that as regards to her accountability, where she is, who she is with, then you watch what she does. The literature says that those WW that resist that and look at it as 'punishment' are more likely to cheat again. She should feel it is the least she can do to regain your trust. I can Pm you a list of what my wife did with NO imput me if you want. i do not want to interject my story here. this is about you Cam.
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post #754 of 1159 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 01:04 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Cam

I owe you an apology, I'm sorry for my earlier post. Throughout this thread I've triggered some, workplace affairs do that to me. When your wife broke NC, all that anger and pain came rushing back to myself, and I posted harshly. Every worse case thought came forward and from pure anger I posted to be harsh on your wife. In my opinion my advice to you was the worst I've ever given. Clearly, I have given you a prime example as to why you wait to decide, emotions promote knee jerk reactions which lead to poor decision making. At three years out Cam, reading a story similar to your own will trigger you. You will feel the pain, the indecision, the doubt, the anger, and worst, the devastation infidelity caused. You will feel it because of what happened to you, and you will feel it whether you divorce or reconcile. You will get angry because you know another a person didn't deserve for this to happen with them.

Even though I posted wrongly, I hope to keep you on the middle of the road to your decision. The polygraph did result in some favorable news to reconcile as well as to divorce. What I need to remind myself of is that my wife ended her affair two and a half years before d-day. Your d-day is much more recent, therefore my wife had much more time to come to remorse then your wife has had. Remorse does not happen overnight, the WS has to process all the transgressions of their choices. Once they have processed all of their transgressions will remorse set in, and even then it may not if they are narcissistic.

Overall I see your wife trying to change, trying to repair herself. She is full of regret, shame, humiliation, sadness, but at the same time trying to avoid rock bottom. This is a natural instinct in all of us, and TX-SC in post 739 is absolutely correct. Notice how he stayed calm? Notice how he said all human beings are fallible? Notice how quick my anger set in? I have tried to stay middle of the road, tried to keep you from making an emotional decision, and yet I did exactly that. This is why infidelity is so difficult, many situations arise and you need calm to navigate through. Notice how lonely husband has maintained his calmness, how he remains on an even keel, that's what BS have to do. I failed at that, possibly causing harm to you, and that's why I'm sorry.

So from here you need to sit your wife down. You need to tell her she has not made mistakes, she has made very poor decisions that have killed your marriage. You need to tell her that not only did she have an affair, she broke no contact to discuss with OM that they both have decided to go back to their spouses. So now you need to ask your wife these questions.
1. you broke no contact, how much does that show you have no respect for me?
2. Why should I try reconciliation? You can't stop talking to OM?
3. Do you still want to talk to OM, get marriage advice?
4. What would you do if you were me?
5. Would you try reconciliation with me if I did this? Why?
6. What actions have you shown that you want this marriage? Remember, your first action was to break no contact to discuss our marriage to OM and to decide to work on this marriage. Is that a good start to reconcile from?
7. Was six months of an affair not enough time for you with OM? That you had to have one last talk and then lie to me?
8. How do I possibly reconcile from lies?
9. If we reconcile, and right now it's not looking good, what happens if we have an issue? Are you going to run to OM or a new OM?
10. You have shown me tremendous disrespect, our children disrespect, yet you claim to love us. But everything you have done is the opposite, what are your real intentions? How do you plan to fix this?

Cam you need your wife to answer these questions. She will have plenty of quiet time to do so when you and your daughters go somewhere to celebrate your birthday overnight. Take a weekend for you and your girls, tell your wife she has this weekend to either commit to this marriage or for her to leave. Tell her to schedule emergency time with her therapist, and that she, without a doubt, better begin to show more acceptable decision making skills. Tell her she needs to be a quick study, and that another poor decision may result in your mind being made up to divorce. Tell her that breaking no contact, no matter how unimportant to her was her biggest test and she failed. Tell her she has learned nothing from her affair, how it affected you and the children, and that breaking no contact has only solidified the fact she desires OM more then me or your family. She needs to feel this, because apparently she doesn't feel enough shame, she is still being selfish.

I hope for the best for you Cam, and I believe this marriage has a chance to reconcile. Much needs to change, including you Cam, but it can be done. Get in IC, get your kids in IC, and start your path to healing yourself and your girls. Your wife is welcome to join in healing, but she has a long road to travel. My wife made poor choices too, until she committed, and from there she has done very well.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #755 of 1159 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 01:10 PM
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Wow.l drifting on you would be a wonderful marriage counselor
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post #756 of 1159 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 01:31 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Drifting On,
I read your thread. It seems you have not got over wife's affair well. It is all round bad to let anger linger. When I get upset some time I read Dhammapada. One of its worse is - You are not punished for your anger but you are punished by it. Another method to cultivate goodwill is Metta Meditation. Hope overtime your anger bouts get less frequent and less severe. You have accepted the outcome. I am sure one day your sons will more than compensate for your unselfishness.
Regarding the break of NC they were still working in the same office and WW had some feelings. So break of NC was very likely and it happened only once.
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post #757 of 1159 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 01:39 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by drifting on View Post
1. you broke no contact, how much does that show you have no respect for me?
2. Why should I try reconciliation? You can't stop talking to OM?
3. Do you still want to talk to OM, get marriage advice?
4. What would you do if you were me?
5. Would you try reconciliation with me if I did this? Why?
6. What actions have you shown that you want this marriage? Remember, your first action was to break no contact to discuss our marriage to OM and to decide to work on this marriage. Is that a good start to reconcile from?
7. Was six months of an affair not enough time for you with OM? That you had to have one last talk and then lie to me?
8. How do I possibly reconcile from lies?
9. If we reconcile, and right now it's not looking good, what happens if we have an issue? Are you going to run to OM or a new OM?
10. You have shown me tremendous disrespect, our children disrespect, yet you claim to love us. But everything you have done is the opposite, what are your real intentions? How do you plan to fix this?
I will say it again. Why should he believe anything she says, she said a whole bunch of stuff then met with her boyfriend and kept it secret for almost a month, and presumably forever if not for the poly. What more can be gained by talking. It's very unwise to believe the words of a liar, especially one who knows how to manipulate you, which Cam's wife is a master at. At this point she knows where she is at, talking about it again is just beating a dead horse, he needs to get past the stage of thinking long talks are going to somehow take his pain away or help him understand this. They never do the just end in frustration, there are no answers that are going to change the fact that she once again even after she knew that she had blew up her family decided it was more important to contact her boyfriend. Get advice from her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was the primary person she went to for a plan of action in her marriage and her life. I don't mean to pile on but to me this is just as big a slap in the face as asking Cam how she looked. I keep saying it because it's true. Not everyone can do that. Even many WS would do these 2 things. He needs to think long and hard about the person his wife is. Maybe she wasn't always this person, but she is now.

Clear action by her for a long period of time and Cam being the kind of person who can look past this are probably all that is left to save this.

Cam tell the Boyfriends wife. She deserves to know.
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post #758 of 1159 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 01:41 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Drifting On,
I read your thread. It seems you have not got over wife's affair well. It is all round bad to let anger linger. When I get upset some time I read Dhammapada. One of its worse is - You are not punished for your anger but you are punished by it. Another method to cultivate goodwill is Metta Meditation. Hope overtime your anger bouts get less frequent and less severe. You have accepted the outcome. I am sure one day your sons will more than compensate for your unselfishness.
Regarding the break of NC they were still working in the same office and WW had some feelings. So break of NC was very likely and it happened only once.
Read any BS spouses thread and 90% them are not over their WS affair. For most there is no getting over it, it's learning to live with it.
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post #759 of 1159 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 01:44 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Regarding the break of NC they were still working in the same office and WW had some feelings. So break of NC was very likely and it happened only once.
Again what do you base that on?
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post #760 of 1159 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 03:10 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Read any BS spouses thread and 90% them are not over their WS affair. For most there is no getting over it, it's learning to live with it.
I know it is hard. But living with anger only harm the self. It lead to sickness and even early death not to mention day today functioning.
Another phrase from Dhammapada "He abused me, he beat me, he defeated me, he robbed me,'--in those who harbor such thoughts hatred will never cease"

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post #761 of 1159 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 03:14 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

It's pretty obvious that Cam needs to let his wife's boyfriend's wife know about the No Contact break.

----
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post #762 of 1159 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 03:26 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

The Polygraph was mostly very positive. The one negative proves that your wife is very weak and adds to your inability to trust her. Even if she cares for you more than the OM, or if she cares only for you, she is weak and cannot be trusted at this time.

To protect yourself and make her prove her words and prove that she is stronger I suggest that you D for now. The D will protect you somewhat, make your wife get stronger, or you will find out that she chooses to remain weak, will provide the consequences that goes beyond words and tears, and give your future desired R a solid ground in which you can build for years and decades.

Allowing tears, emotions, and words for a few months to be the criteria for your actions is very risky. Of course your wife is devastated; she got discovered and is learning that her betrayal is going to degrade her respect for herself, her self-esteem, her children’s adoration for her, her husband’s love for her, and her standard of living. In addition, her lover-boy-OM has dropped her like a hot coal and is begging his wife to take him back. In short, your wife is very desperate for her own well-being and is willing right now to be very emotional and profess all kinds of promises.

I know it tears you up to think about not having your children around 100% of the time and ending your relationship with your wife which you adored in the past. You do not have to lose your children 100% of the time with the D, you just have your children remain in your home and your wife also if that is your wish. Your wife has claimed that she will do anything so this D and arrangement will also be a test to see if she is just talking or will back up her words with action by agreeing to YOUR DEMANDS.

If you do this you can watch for a long time (I watched for 4 years) and then you will get much more convincing about your wife’s words. That is one of the most critical issues that you need if you are going to R and that is you have to believe your wife is remorseful and dedicated to only you and your children. You can always remarry her in the future if that is what you want. Her ACTIONS for YEARS will provide you much more convincing that your wife is going to repent, be remorseful, and be dedicated with affection for only you and her children.

I know that you are very shaken but do not compromise so that you can get an easy temporary fix. Emotions and words in the first year are very risky.

PS I think you have a possibility to have a successful R

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post #763 of 1159 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 03:29 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Again what do you base that on?
From Cam post- "She did a few days after NC because they both were agreeing that they love their spouses and want to work on their marriage." So they were still in the same office
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post #764 of 1159 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 03:58 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

@LonelyHusband42301 you also told a couple of posters and people in your life to shut up when they went over the line in putting your wife down, from day one. Which told me if she kept her act together and got busy trying to make things right the odds where you would try to reconcile. Yet you let your family members level her. Wise move.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #765 of 1159 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 04:00 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Cam, how does this fit your wife? https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...people-pleaser

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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