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post #76 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 08:23 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by cam42 View Post
Hey guys I've read all the posts and couldn't thank you all more for helping me through this difficult time. You guys probably care more about my well being than my so called life partner.

Anyway the other man's wife says she has the whole story of the affair text messages, love notes, everything her husband confessed as he's begging her not to divorce him. I know I can't rely on her but having someone that's going through the same exact situation. Were supposed to have a meet up and talk all about this, he also broke contact with my wife yesterday. She said he was crying like a baby and begging her not to divorce.

So yeah she wants to meet up with me, any advice on how to go about this? Only me and her and not our spouses.
Cam,

Does your wife know you are meeting the wife of OM?? My guess is OM called her and told her. You can count on some revision in her story if she thinks you are going to get the truth, or more of it.

I believe most of us believe you are going to get some really sordid details from this woman so you need to make a plan. Her husband would not be a babbling fool over an EA with no sex.

Now is the time to tell your wife she has about 30 seconds to start on a WRITTEN timeline of everything that occurred and make no promises to her about the outcome. You need that to compare to what you are told and you need it written so she cannot revise history. And now is the time to tell her that whatever she tells you will be verified by a polygraph test.

You have two positive things going for you
(1) you were smart enough to accept that if a bunch of strangers who have been through this were basically telling you the same things in different words, that the group was probably not crazy. Congratulations on being a smart guy and listening to what you most likely did not want to hear. That has greatly increased your chances of a positive outcome based on the truth, whichever way this may go.
(2) The wife of OM is not trying to rugsweeep this and is willing to fill in the blanks for you. That fact alone makes it much harder for your wife to gaslight you or minimize what she has done.

And you need to retrieve those texts and not accept from your wife that she deleted them. Then you take her phone and install the software to retrieve them.

Now it appears, as happens most of the time, that the OM has thrown your wife under the bus to save his ass. Let me remind you that it is him doing that and your wife has not been the one to come clean. Do not forget that.

If her boyfriend is no longer available Cam, now you will probably get what is most likely all sorts of apologies and swearing on everyone's grave that she is so sorry, etc. Right now that is all bull ****. She did not confess anything. She is horrified she got caught, and she is going to be hoping that by luring you with fancy talk and/or sex that you will let this go and rugsweep. DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN.

And please, again, stay away from any marriage therapy UNTIL your know the entire truth. There is more advice you need before and if you go down that route. It can be helpful or disasterous, depending on who you see. But you do not do any of that until you know if there is anything to save.

Cam, now is the time not to backtrack and go towards the "pick me" game. Make no commitments to your wife until all is revealed. Affairs THRIVE in secrecy and fear of getting caught is what motivates that. To be parading around in public holding hands like a couple makes I am sure most of us believe you have just gotten to the tip of the iceberg.

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post #77 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 09:35 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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If her boyfriend is no longer available Cam, now you will probably get what is most likely all sorts of apologies and swearing on everyone's grave that she is so sorry, etc. Right now that is all bull ****. She did not confess anything. She is horrified she got caught, and she is going to be hoping that by luring you with fancy talk and/or sex that you will let this go and rugsweep. DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN.
Understand all of that is a strategic retreat on her part. Because you offer her financial security. It's not love or even remorse. It takes WS years to get what the did, and maybe 1% get it. She may say she always loved you even when she did this, but that's not love and even if you want to call it that, it doesn't have much value. That feeling has to do with selfishness, and probably always did. You did for her so she "loved" you, when she found someone who did what you were doing maybe more intensely at the moment she betrayed you. She may call it love and that may be all she's got, but it is basically at the whim of her personal gratification. Remember that when you start to make your decisions. When love is given for selfish aims it is basically very shallow and useless in the long run.

Read this these are the most sincere of wayward spouses. They really want to fix their marriages. Yet you see the mindset. People who would never cheat could never see anything good coming out of an affair, let alone write about it on an infidelity site. Again these people (the ones who are doing the most work I might add) are still able to see it from how it benefited them. They aren't and never really will get the pain they caused because if they did they would be ashamed to even respond to the question. It's part of why they could do it. They don't have the kind of empathy like the rest of us do.

Understand this is what you are dealing with.
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post #78 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:08 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Good advice above.

Don't even talk to your wife until you get the whole story from the other man's wife. What a gift of knowledge you are being given!

I suspect after seeing and reading what you're going to see, you may wisely decide your wife is not who you thought you married, and you may choose to go a different route than you once thought.

They are right: your wife got caught red handed, and all she wanted at the time was HIM. Now that she can't have him, your value will go up drastically. Is she truly valuing YOU???????
Or is she trying to hang on to the security you provided?

If I were the OM's wife, I'd think long and hard about his "remorse" as well. He was holding hands with his mistress in public. They had no shame whatsoever about their dastardly deeds. At least most cheaters have enough shame to crawl around in the shadows and do their nefarious activities.
These two were no narcissistic, they felt no remorse at all about the betrayal of their loyal spouses.
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post #79 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

I'm not sure if the wife knows I'm meeting her. I'm barely talking to her at all and don't really answer her texts. She came to sit on the bed with me yesterday while I was laying down and kept asking me if I wanted any "stimulation" and that she's so sorry and will do whatever she can to make it right. We had an active sex life before d-day so it was hard. I told her I don't want her mouth anywhere near my junk until she gets tested for stds.

She said she will tommorrow while crying. I hate seeing her cry but I knew I couldn't comfort her. I'm meeting with the other woman tonight and she's bringing me everything and the full story. I don't know if I want to divorce yet as this is very raw. I don't like being at home anymore because my wife does whatever she can to be in the same room with me and apologize. Someone suggested a ONS with the other mans wife and I couldn't help but laugh a little bit. At the moment I'd have sex with her over my wife but wouldn't go through with that.

Did anyone here have a good sex life before their WS affair? I just don't get it.
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post #80 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

I would say you should meet with the OM's wife.

Let your wife know when you are walking out the door to do so. Just say that her H has told her everything and the two of you are meeting to compare notes. Then say she has nothing to worry about if she has told the truth as the door shuts.
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post #81 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:17 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Cam42

Meet with the other wife, schedule this asap!! Ask for copies of all communication that she has. You don't have to look at it now, but you can always read it if you need to. In my case, I needed all of the details, you might even if you don't want to read now. Also, you should have told your wife no contact with OM, so ten minutes before you leave to meet OM's wife tell your wife. Monitor her communications to see if she attempts to contact OM. If she contacts ON she is protecting him!! Be cold when you tell your wife, tell her you are getting copies of all the texts, tell her you are unsure of divorce. Then walk out the door slamming it.

You have to appear willing to lose this marriage and your wife. In fact you have lost her to another, so gear up and treat this as the war that it is. Your wife allowed the advances of another into your marriage, show her how you would destroy any infraction to your marriage. It's the only way, you can never nice her back, just like she wasn't nice to you.

Now that I'm dumped her she is confused, what she thought she had wasn't. She will now feel stupid for giving herself away for nothing at all. Do not allow her to wallow in that pity, only allow her to grieve the relationship. During this time you need to be firm, not ruthless, but firm. Give her the consequences she has bestowed upon herself, do not be her support system, she needs to grow strong in her own. I refused to comfort my wife, especially when the relationship should never have existed, so when your wife says you are uncaring or unsupportive just ask this. Would you comfort and support me if I did the same. Trust me it works great, especially if said in an uncaring and flat monotone.

I'm not about hurting anyone, but your wife needs to feel these consequences and pain to grow into a better person. Good luck.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


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post #82 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:18 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

So did she admit to anything more then a EA? Or is she sticking to it was just a EA still.
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post #83 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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So did she admit to anything more then a EA? Or is she sticking to it was just a EA still.
I didn't ask her because I'm sure it was more than an EA no matter what she says. There's a night in particular that I'm sure she had a night with her boyfriend. Day before New Year's Eve she was dolled up with a dress and heels and said she was going out with her girlfriends. She came come later than she said she would and showered right afterwards with her hair all messed up. I asked about that night to the other mans wife and she confirmed over the phone.

That sounds so pathetic, she even asked me how she looked before she went to go **** the other guy. The anger I feel is unbelievable.
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post #84 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:35 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by cam42 View Post
I'm not sure if the wife knows I'm meeting her. I'm barely talking to her at all and don't really answer her texts. She came to sit on the bed with me yesterday while I was laying down and kept asking me if I wanted any "stimulation" and that she's so sorry and will do whatever she can to make it right. We had an active sex life before d-day so it was hard. I told her I don't want her mouth anywhere near my junk until she gets tested for stds.

She said she will tommorrow while crying. I hate seeing her cry but I knew I couldn't comfort her. I'm meeting with the other woman tonight and she's bringing me everything and the full story. I don't know if I want to divorce yet as this is very raw. I don't like being at home anymore because my wife does whatever she can to be in the same room with me and apologize. Someone suggested a ONS with the other mans wife and I couldn't help but laugh a little bit. At the moment I'd have sex with her over my wife but wouldn't go through with that.

Did anyone here have a good sex life before their WS affair? I just don't get it.
Since she is agreeing to STD's sounds like it was a PA. For lots of men, that makes it worse. I really don't think there is a difference. Both are monstrous.

Better off to think of your wife as dead. This woman is an imposter. Stop trying to be her husband, she fired you. She doesn't get to hire you back now that the new guy didn't' work out. Again understand all her apologies and face saving is just protecting her ass. It just makes her worse in my opinion.

I have mixed feelings about sleeping with the wife. I will say that the marriage contract is broken once there has been a PA, so I don't think you are cheating. Marriage is the only contract where the party, that has the terms that were promised broken, yet some still expect them to hold up their end of the bargain. That seem like crap to me, ridiculously unfair, it's a contract, not a license to be abused. However, I don't think it fixes much and often makes it worse but I won't judge you.

Can you go on a weeks vacation alone? Go see friends or family without her. Let her suffer a little. She needs to and it will give you some feeling of justice.

Last edited by sokillme; 01-16-2017 at 10:44 AM.
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post #85 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:35 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by cam42 View Post
I'm not sure if the wife knows I'm meeting her. I'm barely talking to her at all and don't really answer her texts. She came to sit on the bed with me yesterday while I was laying down and kept asking me if I wanted any "stimulation" and that she's so sorry and will do whatever she can to make it right. We had an active sex life before d-day so it was hard. I told her I don't want her mouth anywhere near my junk until she gets tested for stds.

She said she will tommorrow while crying. I hate seeing her cry but I knew I couldn't comfort her. I'm meeting with the other woman tonight and she's bringing me everything and the full story. I don't know if I want to divorce yet as this is very raw. I don't like being at home anymore because my wife does whatever she can to be in the same room with me and apologize. Someone suggested a ONS with the other mans wife and I couldn't help but laugh a little bit. At the moment I'd have sex with her over my wife but wouldn't go through with that.

Did anyone here have a good sex life before their WS affair? I just don't get it.
While my wife was having multiple online affairs and likely physical affairs also, we had sex every single night. Hysterical binding for me. I asked her why she wanted sec with me if she was no longer attracted or in love with me. Her response: I could have sex with anyone that was as attentive as you are being". Totally self centered, selfish behavior which I allowed. It had nothing to do with her being in love with me. I suspect it was the same for yours. She liked the physical part of sex with you. Just didn't have any feelings involved in it.

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post #86 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:39 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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That sounds so pathetic, she even asked me how she looked before she went to go **** the other guy. The anger I feel is unbelievable.
Again this just shows you what kind of person she is. Decent people don't do this. Others will say I am wrong, but could you do that? See your wife for who she is. It's important to your healing that you kill the reverence that you hold her in. It will make it easier to get better. You lost the potential for some good times, but not an honest and decent person.

Last edited by sokillme; 01-16-2017 at 10:47 AM.
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post #87 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:43 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

I like the fact that you're angry.
I was an emotional wreck--- couldn't feel anger, hate, love, or anything else for a while except desperation, sadness, depression...
I got divorced as a result.

Not that I should have, but if I'd have manned up and kicked my ex out and didn't speak to her, I believe it may have turned out differently.
Your strength of character which you are demostrating will give you the options to do well, whichever path you choose.
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post #88 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:51 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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I like the fact that you're angry.
I was an emotional wreck--- couldn't feel anger, hate, love, or anything else for a while except desperation, sadness, depression...
I got divorced as a result.

Not that I should have, but if I'd have manned up and kicked my ex out and didn't speak to her, I believe it may have turned out differently.
Your strength of character which you are demostrating will give you the options to do well, whichever path you choose.
From your description in your last post, you got the best result. I mean what she did to you was awful.
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post #89 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 11:04 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Adding to this. Many people dealing with the pain, welcome their spouses back and rug sweep, once the shock wears off in a year or two, see the crap deal they got end up resenting it and hating their lives. Think long and hard about this. Don't settle for your cheating wife just because it's what you know. The woman that was your wife is dead.
so much this - This is what happens. Speaking from experience. The thought never goes away. You will always look over your shoulder. On top of it all your wife had NO intentions of stopping it. The only reason she is crying blah blah blah is because she got caught. Think about it. She was never going to tell you and was happy as a pig is sh1t until caught. Ive actually forgotten what it feel like to be in a trusting relationship after R. dont be me man. File and protect yourself. If down the road it could work then so be it.

They work together she would have to leave job before any R can be discussed. Period. That is a must. All the work YOU will have to do to get over this.. is it worth it? She may be the kids mother but she wasnt even your FRIEND let alone wife. Friends dont hurt and lie.
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post #90 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 11:20 AM
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Cool Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

In my ripe old age, I can now deal with all of those incessant, nasty thoughts and mind movies of my both of my XW's having their bodies connected and intertwined to some other guy for their attempt at deriving sexual and psychological pleasure!

But what I absolutely cannot even begin to fathom is all of the covert secrecy, the brazen callousness and the downright deceit in which they inconsciably carried out their sordid acts of betrayal of me, our holy vows, and of our family!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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