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post #91 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 11:24 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Cam42

Everything you thought once was, isn't. Reality is, your thoughts are rapid, everything is moving fast and your thought process is nonexistent. This is normal, it will slow down in a few days, but as you said its raw. Tell your wife you need space, her inserting herself to you is damaging to any hope of any reconciliation. You need time to sort out all that has happened. Tell her if she is truly sorry she would give you this space.

As for the affair, I'm sure you know it was physical. Kissing is physical, and even though it may not have included sex, I'm in the camp that sex did happen. You should contact a well trusted friend that you can share this information with. Don't go through this alone, infidelity has a way of consuming an individual.


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post #92 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 11:29 AM
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Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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In my ripe old age, I can now deal with all of those incessant, nasty thoughts and mind movies of my both of my XW's having their bodies connected and intertwined to some other guy for their attempt at deriving sexual and psychological pleasure!



But what I absolutely cannot even begin to fathom is all of the covert secrecy, the brazen callousness and the downright deceit in which they inconsciably carried out their sordid acts of betrayal of me, our holy vows, and of our family!


Why can't you fathom it? It's quite common and quite easy.

Unfortunately

Last edited by blueinbr; 01-16-2017 at 11:55 AM.
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post #93 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 01:23 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

I can only add to the chorus here and say that what you thought you knew about your wife was simply wrong. She is capable of lying straight to your face and she does not hold your marriage in the same light you do. Consider this carefully before moving forward.

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post #94 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 01:51 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Did anyone here have a good sex life before their WS affair? I just don't get it.
I did. That is why when the $hit hit the fan I was dumbfounded. He of course tole the AP that we were just living like brother and sister for the sake of the kids. Gag me!

My X was very good at compartmentalizing, most cheaters are! Your wife is a classic example as well. That is why she could have a healthy sex life with you and also have a married boyfriend/lover on the side. You and her lover's wife were nicely placed in a box/compartment and she could cake eat all she wanted until her and her AP were ready to make their own little nest after leaving yours and his wife's nest in shambles.

And let's even think about the ripple effect their selfishness will cause on the kids and future grand kids. I am 13 years out of my 21 year marriage with the X. My children suffered and are still dealing with the ripple effect his leaving us over his AP has caused. Daughter had daddy issues and seeked relationships with men looking for a daddy figure. It was really bad. 3.5 years of therapy helped a lot, but the damage was done. She married a great guy and cheated on him with a married lowlife. And yes, she can compartmentalize really good as she cheated on her husband for 1.5 years before realizing she was a total fool just like her dad. As to our son, he doesn't care about marriage and family because of what stupid ole dad did. He thinks relationships are disposable and he will never have kids. My boy was not that cynical. He was a very sweet, loving and caring kid.

Now, We don't only have to separately see our kids, we also have to see our grand kids separately as well. It truly sucks, but it's what it is thanks to his cheating arse!.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #95 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 02:01 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Be careful of your emotions when meeting BW. You both are there to share data, no more or less. Police will tell you domestic situations are the most dangerous they face. Reactions in your case could range from blaming other wayward spouse, leading to blaming you for not being a better husband/wife to an offer of a sexual relationship. So in the immortal words of Sgt Joe Friday: "just the facts, just the facts please.

As @drifting on suggested if you can montitor ALL forms of communication inform her before leaving. Use this as an opportunity for what is refered to here as the parking lot confession before a polygraph. I would add stress any form of breaking NC the marriage is done and you will pusue a scorch earth policy. Stress this is the first real test of her commint to frist the value of her vows to herself and secondly to you.
Stress you cannot tell her how many times because you TRUSTED HER you overlooked red flags and as a result suffered alone. Stress every time she choose to talk with him, be with him she left you out in the cold alone and starving.

Finally theses two threads may help you clarify your thoughts on your feelings and what she should know.

Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums

Things that every wayward spouse needs to know - LoveShack.org Community Forums

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How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #96 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 04:24 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

an "emotional" affair lmao. the cheater is already trying to weasel her way out of the trouble she's caused. disgusting
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post #97 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 05:04 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by cam42 View Post
I'm not sure if the wife knows I'm meeting her. I'm barely talking to her at all and don't really answer her texts. She came to sit on the bed with me yesterday while I was laying down and kept asking me if I wanted any "stimulation" and that she's so sorry and will do whatever she can to make it right. We had an active sex life before d-day so it was hard. I told her I don't want her mouth anywhere near my junk until she gets tested for stds.

She said she will tommorrow while crying. I hate seeing her cry but I knew I couldn't comfort her. I'm meeting with the other woman tonight and she's bringing me everything and the full story. I don't know if I want to divorce yet as this is very raw. I don't like being at home anymore because my wife does whatever she can to be in the same room with me and apologize. Someone suggested a ONS with the other mans wife and I couldn't help but laugh a little bit. At the moment I'd have sex with her over my wife but wouldn't go through with that.

Did anyone here have a good sex life before their WS affair? I just don't get it.
Friend of a friends wife had a 2 year affair. She made a point of making her home sex life exciting. Thinking that if she did this he would not have a clue about her meeting OM in hotels once a week. Her poor husband was happy and did not have a clue until OMs wife caught them at the hotel and called him.
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post #98 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 05:26 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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one problem with this website is it is populated by betrayed people, many of whom remain bitter about it. So when most of them tell you "for sure she has physically done this guy"...it actually is not certain at all. She could go on for years just holding hands and talking to this guy. A lot of people simply can not go over the line to physically cheat that way.
The "problem" you're talking about is not really a problem, but a benefit. Sure, there are some who may still be hurting from betrayal, but the benefit of the collective wisdom on this site far outweighs any problems. The betrayeds here have been through the process. I've been here almost 6 years and I'm almost 7 years from DD, these threads do not trigger me as much as those who have more recent DDays. In the 6 years I've been here, I've yet to see a single story that's similar to this, that didn't go PA. Is it possible that it didn't go PIV? Yes, but it is extremely unlikely because:

1. They work together, so OM is local. In cases where an EA didn't go PA is when the OM is out of the area (out of state or out of country). They had the opportunity. I remember one story where the OM was complaining that the WW wouldn't have sex with him in the elevator! Workplace affairs are usually PA in the parking lots, or closest place that they won't be disturbed. Dates are usually in the local area as well.

2. Length of the affair - supposedly dating for 6 months now. Emotional involvement almost always ends up with physical involvement. Holding hands in public at a restaurant? Seriously? That shows familiarity and intimacy with the other person.

PA is not an absolute certainty, but it's extremely low based on what I've read for 6 years here. This is a case of Trickle Truth, and the WS will not confess more unless there is proof, and then they only confess to what the BS can prove.




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She SHOULD have given you passwords to all her acconts, so go looking thru them.
Transparency is an absolute requirement for R, but at this stage, the texts will have been "sanitized" before he gets a look at them.
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post #99 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 06:09 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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The "problem" you're talking about is not really a problem, but a benefit. Sure, there are some who may still be hurting from betrayal, but the benefit of the collective wisdom on this site far outweighs any problems. The betrayeds here have been through the process. I've been here almost 6 years and I'm almost 7 years from DD, these threads do not trigger me as much as those who have more recent DDays. In the 6 years I've been here, I've yet to see a single story that's similar to this, that didn't go PA. Is it possible that it didn't go PIV? Yes, but it is extremely unlikely because:

1. They work together, so OM is local. In cases where an EA didn't go PA is when the OM is out of the area (out of state or out of country). They had the opportunity. I remember one story where the OM was complaining that the WW wouldn't have sex with him in the elevator! Workplace affairs are usually PA in the parking lots, or closest place that they won't be disturbed. Dates are usually in the local area as well.

2. Length of the affair - supposedly dating for 6 months now. Emotional involvement almost always ends up with physical involvement. Holding hands in public at a restaurant? Seriously? That shows familiarity and intimacy with the other person.

PA is not an absolute certainty, but it's extremely low based on what I've read for 6 years here. This is a case of Trickle Truth, and the WS will not confess more unless there is proof, and then they only confess to what the BS can prove.






Transparency is an absolute requirement for R, but at this stage, the texts will have been "sanitized" before he gets a look at them.
Yeah I read that "problem stuff" as "the problem with this website is they make it very hard to rug sweep".
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post #100 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 06:18 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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The "problem" you're talking about is not really a problem, but a benefit. Sure, there are some who may still be hurting from betrayal, but the benefit of the collective wisdom on this site far outweighs any problems. The betrayeds here have been through the process. I've been here almost 6 years and I'm almost 7 years from DD, these threads do not trigger me as much as those who have more recent DDays. In the 6 years I've been here, I've yet to see a single story that's similar to this, that didn't go PA. Is it possible that it didn't go PIV? Yes, but it is extremely unlikely because:

1. They work together, so OM is local. In cases where an EA didn't go PA is when the OM is out of the area (out of state or out of country). They had the opportunity. I remember one story where the OM was complaining that the WW wouldn't have sex with him in the elevator! Workplace affairs are usually PA in the parking lots, or closest place that they won't be disturbed. Dates are usually in the local area as well.

2. Length of the affair - supposedly dating for 6 months now. Emotional involvement almost always ends up with physical involvement. Holding hands in public at a restaurant? Seriously? That shows familiarity and intimacy with the other person.

PA is not an absolute certainty, but it's extremely low based on what I've read for 6 years here. This is a case of Trickle Truth, and the WS will not confess more unless there is proof, and then they only confess to what the BS can prove.

Truth. I've been here a few months shy of you. I joined about a month before my DDay, and this forum helped me immensely with my journey. The typical advice here is hard to swallow for the recently betrayed, but it's generally dead on. It's insane how consistent the stories are over time.

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post #101 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

I met with the OM's wife. She was nice, caring, pretty. If we weren't married I would of asked her out on a date haha, she made a remark about how she'd totally date me if she wasn't married (nice ego boost). Anyway she had all the texts emails and love letters printed out. She had a complete timeline of the whole affair, yes it was physical. The affair started as a flirtation and increased from there. She's an attorney and a pretty good one from what I've seen. The affair went on for 6 months and it started getting physical around month 3. There was no mention of them leaving their spouses, it seems as if they got off on the secrecy of the affair and thought their love was forbidden or some stupid ****. The meeting helped me more than I could ever imagine honestly, I was very thankful for it. She also expressed her appreciation for me telling her about it. We cried together cursed our spouses all of it. We talked for a few hours. The two officially have no contact and her husband already has interviews for different positions. My wife was blowing up my phone the whole time and I didn't respond. Told her I was going "out". It was nice to get all the facts.

Overall I feel better today but I'm sure I'll feel bad again tomorrow. She doesn't know if she wants to stay married yet and neither do I, both kind of in limbo. It was nice to have another woman tell me I'm attractive and didn't deserve the selfish bull**** between our idiot partners. My wife tickle truth the **** out of me and now I want to stay with her even less. If I ever get the chance I'm going to **** the other mans wife (if we both divorce) and I'm sure it'll be the best revenge **** ever. Sorry, I'm still filled with anger more than sadness. I love my wife still but I have decisions to make. She said she wants to fight for our marriage and is willing "to do anything." I've also ignored my wife since I got home, if she can't tell me the truth then whatever.

Any advice on what do I do next?

Last edited by cam42; 01-16-2017 at 10:20 PM.
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post #102 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:14 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Quote:
Originally Posted by lordmayhem View Post
The "problem" you're talking about is not really a problem, but a benefit. Sure, there are some who may still be hurting from betrayal, but the benefit of the collective wisdom on this site far outweighs any problems. The betrayeds here have been through the process. I've been here almost 6 years and I'm almost 7 years from DD, these threads do not trigger me as much as those who have more recent DDays. In the 6 years I've been here, I've yet to see a single story that's similar to this, that didn't go PA. Is it possible that it didn't go PIV? Yes, but it is extremely unlikely because:

1. They work together, so OM is local. In cases where an EA didn't go PA is when the OM is out of the area (out of state or out of country). They had the opportunity. I remember one story where the OM was complaining that the WW wouldn't have sex with him in the elevator! Workplace affairs are usually PA in the parking lots, or closest place that they won't be disturbed. Dates are usually in the local area as well.

2. Length of the affair - supposedly dating for 6 months now. Emotional involvement almost always ends up with physical involvement. Holding hands in public at a restaurant? Seriously? That shows familiarity and intimacy with the other person.

PA is not an absolute certainty, but it's extremely low based on what I've read for 6 years here. This is a case of Trickle Truth, and the WS will not confess more unless there is proof, and then they only confess to what the BS can prove.






Transparency is an absolute requirement for R, but at this stage, the texts will have been "sanitized" before he gets a look at them.


Quoted for truth cam42, @lordmayhem is spot on here. Transparency at this stage is very sanitized. In other words you will see very little of what actually was said between them. Your wife is in damage control, you found out, OM dumped her, she is gauging your reaction to stop you from fleeing and she have nobody with her. Sadistic as that sounds it is the mindset of your wife at this very moment. Your wife knows if you read the actual words she wrote you won't be her husband anymore.

This is why I say you meet OM's BW, so you can have what you will need to make an informed decision. Even if you decide to reconcile, you will need to know what exactly you are actually forgiving. How do you forgive what you have no idea about? Cam42, you are very fresh into infidelity, and it's going to get so much worse for you. The pain you will feel is immense, your chest will feel crushed and that's a good day. You probably feel dead on the inside now, racing thoughts, no appetite, your heart beating out of its chest, and a pain that can hardly be described with words. We have been in your shoes, yet we all probably wish we could say different.

For now just breathe, exhale and breathe again, no decision needs to be made today. Contact an attorney, know your rights, and check your laws to see if alienation of affection or similar is on the books. You can even file for divorce and retract if you decide to, which I hate to say I would. Also check for polygraph tests and costs in your area. Find an examiner with as much expierience as possible. If you decide on a polygraph tell her the night before the test, then tell her there are five questions, question one is, did you have sex with anyone other then me since our wedding? Let her stew about the rest, your true aim is to get a parking lot confession. If you get a parking lot confession, tell her she is still taking the exam and get out of the car. She will then admit to more, that I would bet the house on.

I think every poster here is trying to help you even though you may feel overwhelmed. If you need to pm me feel free to do so and I will help in any way I can. Best of luck to you.

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post #103 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:15 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

First and foremost the decision to stay married sit in your court not your wife's....her tactics is a ploy for you to beg her to stay...I call bull crap on that one...and if she says she is not sure then tell to leave immediately....but I would not rug sweep this at all....you need time to list demands if you want to stay married and she needs to accept it all...and I mean all....expose to her family as well.

I would also ask for a complete timeline from her and compare notes and tell her if she forget anything the marriage is over...

Last edited by Lostinthought61; 01-16-2017 at 10:20 PM.
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post #104 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:19 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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I confronted my wife when she got home (5 days ago). I asked for the full details of the affair but she cried and said it will just hurt me even more.
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She's saying she won't text him anymore
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She said she doesn't want a divorce but she's so confused and she does have strong feelings for the AP
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he also broke contact with my wife yesterday. She said he was crying like a baby and begging her not to divorce.
You first confronted your wife about her affair with the other man (OM) and affair partner (AP) 1 week ago (“5 days ago” + 2 days since you stated that). Yesterday the OM’s wife told you that the OM “broke contact with my wife yesterday” (the day before yesterday). This means that for 5 days after you first confronted your wife, that they were still in contact with each other, and that they had not ended the affair. It also means that when your wife promised you 1 week ago that “she won't text him anymore”, that she broke that promise and remained in contact with him for 5 additional days afterwards, and even then it was the OM that ended it and not her.

You wife admitted to you that she was “so confused and she does have strong feelings for the AP”. Thus it was only after the OM ended it with your wife as he was begging his wife not to divorce him, did you really have the option of perhaps having your wife commit to you again. This makes you officially your wife’s back-up plan now that the OM has tossed your wife under the bus. Imagine how different the situation would be if her AP happened to be single.
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post #105 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:21 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

It is clear you are still entertaining notions of reconciliation.

That said, tell her she has one opportunity to lay out the truth to you. One time and one time only. Tell her nothing of what you know. Tell her if she withholds one piece of information, that you are definitely proceeding with divorce with zero chance for reconciliation.

Then sit quietly and say nothing. Let the silence fill the air. I promise it will be an uncomfortable one for her.

She should begin spilling her guts. If she lies, tell her she blew her one chance, then walk away.

Once you have all the information, thank her for her honesty, then tell her you need a couple of days alone without her to collect your thoughts, without her pestering, etc.

End the trickle truth now.

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