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post #1111 of 1144 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:06 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

The full truth has to come out before you can move forward

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post #1112 of 1144 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:25 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Did the spanking with my wife last year after you recommend. LOL she said why did you do that? That my good man would be a Sun Tzu type of action.
You just moved up farther in my esteem.

Well done sir.
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post #1113 of 1144 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 04:00 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

[QUOTE=ABHale;17518593]Your wife will never know what you felt unless you did the same to her. She can guess at it but that is all.[/QUOTE


Cheaters have no empathy ( among other things ) for their partners. It's all about their entitlement and gratification .

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #1114 of 1144 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 09:29 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Cam, as you watch your wife's actions, do you detect remorse from her? Do you detect that she is feeling your true pain? Please be careful when you answer these questions, she could still be feeling regret. A while back I asked you to ask your wife some questions, have you? I also said not to listen to her answers, the point was to ask, to help move her towards seeing the damage she caused. A side effect of those questions can help lead one to empathy and remorse. She is now seeing exactly what her actions have caused.

Where you are now is to talk with your wife, find some answers. Talking to your wife can be both a harm and healing. Learning anything new would be devastating, I hope that doesn't happen. Talking can help to make your decision a little easier. You must still trust but verify, but by talking you may learn she is a good candidate to be offered the gift of reconciliation, or that she is a good candidate to divorce. What I'm saying is, that at some point you have to come back to the table. At some point you will have to discuss this in detail with your wife.

By all means you do this at your time schedule. For me, talking to my wife found I could offer the gift of reconciliation. She sat and answered every question I had, no matter how difficult to answer. In my opinion, sitting and realizing in front of me caused her remorse to be worse then it was previously. Discussing the affair brought all of her bad decisions to a new level, seeing my pain brought her to a new level, wondering what I would decide was at a new level.

As for why she cheated, and what that answer is, I have found there is no answer. No matter what answer people give on this thread, it's not the answer, my response of no answer included. Cam, the reality is that whatever answer is given, it will not be an answer you can accept. You can't justify within yourself as to why your wife had an affair. No matter what is said you will think there has to be more to it. That is why no answer works for me and possibly for you. The important part is that your wife recognizes what was broken in her to have an affair. That this gets repaired in IC and boundaries without exception be put in place. From there a foundation can be built, from there your wife can grow, and from there she can become a healthy spouse for you or in her next relationship. It takes hard work, and I hope your wife has it in her to become a better person so that she becomes a better mother. Your girls are going to need her, they will learn from her, and by becoming a better person I'm hoping your daughters see it can be done.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


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post #1115 of 1144 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 06:30 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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I have been going to the gym as a hobby, it's been helping me to blow off some steam while helping my health. Yes two of her friends knew and they are both out of her life. One dropped my wife herself and the other my wife cut contact with. A co-worker of theirs also knew and my wife has cut contact with that person also. My wife is being nice but is maintaining her distance like I have asked. Everything just kind of seems like a stand still. She just goes to work comes home and goes to therapy, not much else. Now when the kids go up to their rooms and I find myself alone with her I just make myself busy with something else. When she talked about going to a psychologist, she told me all those reasons for the affair. Selfishness, her ego was stroked, did not think she would get caught, they never planned on leaving their spouses. Told her that reasoning was not good enough, but I have realized that no reason is really good enough to cheat. She has been hearing it from everyone, everyone seems to be quick to lose her temper with her including our kids.

I tell them that she is still their mother and to be respectful towards her. She seems to just take it and has been isolating herself for most of the day except dinner time and in the evening. The kids are usually in their rooms she just asks me if there is anything I would like to talk about. I let her know I don't want that much contact besides about the kids or other things. She does text me everyday saying "I love you, hope you're having a good day" I usually just say "you too". I think detaching might be necessary in order for our marriage to be stronger. I can't be co-dependant.

She bought the book "How to help your spouse heal" and it came in today and she gave me it. Told me she thinks we should look over it together or I can do what I want with it. She already has a few books about this but told me this one has gotten good reviews so we will see. Not much of a reader to be honest but she is.
Cam,

I see three positives. First she has eliminated toxic friends. Second, the results of the polygraph. Third, the fact that she is in counseling. That tells me she wants to do what she can to save your marriage. I also have an inkling from your posts she is very likely at the remorse stage. However, keep doing the 180. For some reason it seems counter intuitive, but it works.

Keep hitting the gym. That will make you feel better and your sex rank will climb. Should you go the D route, that will benefit you greatly. While I was away I hit it hard in the weight room and gym, and when I returned after five weeks I was in better shape than I was at 34 and I am 54. At your age you should be able to knock it out of the park and get ripped quickly. That will make her panic. Let her know you are going to the gym. Flirt a bit with the ladies. I builds your confidence. When one of my wife's friends saw me three days before r, she told my wife. That since I lost weight, I would probably leave her. The really shook FWW. Stay the course.

If you are going through hell keep on going-Winston Churchhill
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post #1116 of 1144 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 09:43 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Cam are you still "in love with you wife", or has it changed?

Also are you ok with her not being in love with you. Let's be honest. She loves you yes but in what way? No one that is in love with their spouse can do what your wife did to you. This wasn't a ONS mistake. Or is it " O I'm in love with you again" from her?

This is why I have a hard time with stories like yours. There is no way you wife loved you as a husband during her affair or she would never of had one. So the feeling was gone long before the affair. She didn't fall out of love then the next day tell the AP let's f**k. Then magically it's back. I don't buy it.
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post #1117 of 1144 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:40 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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As for why she cheated, and what that answer is, I have found there is no answer. No matter what answer people give on this thread, it's not the answer, my response of no answer included.
There is an answer and it is pretty simple. They chose themselves over you. This is who they are, this is their character they just hid it. Not sure why this is so hard. Actually I am pretty sure why it is, I suspect that answer is too painful for a lot of people. Doesn't make it any less true.

Cam if you want to really heal and move forward I suggest you come to terms with this. See it and who your wife if for what it is. This may be a disconnect from how you always felt about her but you will need to accept that you were wrong. This right here is who she is or at least was.

I find the ones who don't accept it spend lots of time searching for a deeper answer and not really finding one. It is an emotional goose chase that you can find played out by people on these boards for years and years. All it does is cause more pain as the disconnect continues and is never resolved.
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post #1118 of 1144 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 02:53 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

This is an amazing thread.

Last edited by bandit.45; 03-15-2017 at 02:58 AM.
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post #1119 of 1144 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 06:34 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Cam are you still "in love with you wife", or has it changed?

Also are you ok with her not being in love with you. Let's be honest. She loves you yes but in what way? No one that is in love with their spouse can do what your wife did to you. This wasn't a ONS mistake. Or is it " O I'm in love with you again" from her?

This is why I have a hard time with stories like yours. There is no way you wife loved you as a husband during her affair or she would never of had one. So the feeling was gone long before the affair. She didn't fall out of love then the next day tell the AP let's f**k. Then magically it's back. I don't buy it.

Cam,

This is your big puzzle that you have to sort out. it's not about leaning to or wanting to reconcile. its about how do you get past this type of infidelity, and no it is not all the same. no ONS or drunken lust fest. Calculated lying, deceit, and yukking it up with girlfriends as well as in your face with you sitting in the room. Then not coming clean, breaking NC and "discussing" what they were going to do.
Then she initially refuses to even be truthful and moves back in despite your wanting space.

And presto, you file for divorce and she is like putty in your hands. And now the usual searching for that impossible for sure "why".

The only truthful thing here is that she probably was not going to leave you. Just fun!.

That is the demon you need to get over. And its a tough one.
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post #1120 of 1144 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 12:01 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Cam are you still "in love with you wife", or has it changed?

Also are you ok with her not being in love with you. Let's be honest. She loves you yes but in what way? No one that is in love with their spouse can do what your wife did to you. This wasn't a ONS mistake. Or is it " O I'm in love with you again" from her?

This is why I have a hard time with stories like yours. There is no way you wife loved you as a husband during her affair or she would never of had one. So the feeling was gone long before the affair. She didn't fall out of love then the next day tell the AP let's f**k. Then magically it's back. I don't buy it.
This! This is more on point than a period. It's very true.

R or D, polygraphs, the (malicious) intent, the feelings for OM. When it all falls down this is what it come too. I have said before: Yes, I believe you can have different romantic/love connections with several people but I don't think you can be "in love" with more than one. I agree, that if she was "in love" she wouldn't have had the affair. The feeling was gone before the affair.

But what's love got to do with it? Marriage is more about commitment and duty than love. Is there "everlasting love?" Idk, the thing is that a marriage supersedes love.

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post #1121 of 1144 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 07:35 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

How are you Cam.
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post #1122 of 1144 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 06:17 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Cam, are you okay?

If you are going through hell keep on going-Winston Churchhill
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post #1123 of 1144 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Hoping Cam is ok and just busy focusing on himself and his girls.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #1124 of 1144 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 09:27 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Where is Waldo?

Stay healthy my man!

You have some great kids?
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post #1125 of 1144 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:13 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Cam,

Any updates?
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