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post #106 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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You first confronted your wife about her affair with the other man (OM) and affair partner (AP) 1 week ago (“5 days ago” + 2 days since you stated that). Yesterday the OM’s wife told you that the OM “broke contact with my wife yesterday” (the day before yesterday). This means that for 5 days after you first confronted your wife, that they were still in contact with each other, and that they had not ended the affair. It also means that when your wife promised you 1 week ago that “she won't text him anymore”, that she broke that promise and remained in contact with him for 5 additional days afterwards, and even then it was the OM that ended it and not her.

You wife admitted to you that she was “so confused and she does have strong feelings for the AP”. Thus it was only after the OM ended it with your wife as he was begging his wife not to divorce him, did you really have the option of perhaps having your wife commit to you again. This makes you officially your wife’s back-up plan now that the OM has tossed your wife under the bus. Imagine how different the situation would be if her AP happened to be single.
We also talked about that. Apparently when I confronted my wife and told his wife did they stop talking to each other but the other guy admitted they were speaking to each other at work. The OM had to write a letter of no contact to my wife and she also wrote one back(She asked me if she should). Now they aren't even interacting at work apparently and the other man is on his way to a different job very soon.

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post #107 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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It is clear you are still entertaining notions of reconciliation.

That said, tell her she has one opportunity to lay out the truth to you. One time and one time only. Tell her nothing of what you know. Tell her if she withholds one piece of information, that you are definitely proceeding with divorce with zero chance for reconciliation.

Then sit quietly and say nothing. Let the silence fill the air. I promise it will be an uncomfortable one for her.

She should begin spilling her guts. If she lies, tell her she blew her one chance, then walk away.

Once you have all the information, thank her for her honesty, then tell her you need a couple of days alone without her to collect your thoughts, without her pestering, etc.

End the trickle truth now.
I think that's a perfect way to go about this. I will do just that. If she blows it sadly I think were over. This ****ing sucks so much.
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post #108 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:29 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

I know, brother.

Nothing is more important right now than you getting all the information you need to make your decision.

However, do not bluff with your threat to divorce. Make sure you mean it. If she calls it, you word just went to crap. Never...Ever...Ever play brinkmanship unless you are willing to go over the brink.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #109 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:32 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Trickle-truth is not indicative of remorse. Quite the opposite, actually.

You know what to do.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #110 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:33 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Yea, get that bull about nailing his wife out of your head. Tell your wife you need space to heal. If she speaks about reconcilation advise her not now but you will watch her actions (transparency, behavior, reading material, etc)

First while doing the 180 complete your plans for a divorce and post divorce life. Expose to both family's. Do not allow her to re-write the. Marriage history !! You have seen first hand the damage TT we warned you about. She has already rewritten your marriage history in her mind. Right now that rewritten history is the truth to her. It justifies the adultery. It allows her to say it was a mistake caused by you.
If she does not get the rewritten history out of her head it will fester and provide addition resentment. Her resentment of you. YES YOU. To date she may have not written or verbalized these feelings but they are there.

When your plans are complete then review them. Include her actions to see if there is a possibility of reconciliation. Then talk.

The only reason to maintain contact with BW is to allow the both of you to monitor their behavior.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #111 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:33 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by cam42 View Post
I think that's a perfect way to go about this. I will do just that. If she blows it sadly I think were over. This ****ing sucks so much.
Do it now before your wife finds out that you met with the OM's wife.
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post #112 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:41 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

One other thing, Cam.

She is the one now saying she wants to save the marriage, right?

When she starts to blame shift, give her a puzzled look and ask her why she is so motivated to stay in a marriage that is so terrible that she had to sleep with another man to deal with it.

Do not allow her to blame shift.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #113 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:44 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Do it now before your wife finds out that you met with the OM's wife.


Or.......say nothing to your wife for five days, I'll bet the house again she confronts you about meeting OM's wife. Hmm golly gee whiz, how would she know you two met?? Sorry my sadistic side is beginning to emerge... You could also create a fake email, attach a page of texts, send it to you and your wife, then ask if her if it's true? Or buy a burner phone and text screenshots of some of the texts to both yours and your wife's phones, then send a text from the same burner phone saying you have more to share. Your wife will go running to OM, OM will call his wife, she'll deny it truthfully and then send more later on. Just an idea on how to get her disheveled and level the playing field in your favor. If you want to shake her even more let me know, I can pm some even better ways to you.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


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post #114 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:50 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Forget what I said... Let @drifting on advise you.

His evil creativity in these situations is limitless...and an absolute asset.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #115 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 10:51 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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I think that's a perfect way to go about this. I will do just that. If she blows it sadly I think were over. This ****ing sucks so much.
And while gone thinking tell her to call family tell them what is happening...

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post #116 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 12:40 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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I met with the OM's wife. She was nice, caring, pretty. If we weren't married I would of asked her out on a date haha, she made a remark about how she'd totally date me if she wasn't married (nice ego boost). Anyway she had all the texts emails and love letters printed out. She had a complete timeline of the whole affair, yes it was physical. The affair started as a flirtation and increased from there. She's an attorney and a pretty good one from what I've seen. The affair went on for 6 months and it started getting physical around month 3. There was no mention of them leaving their spouses, it seems as if they got off on the secrecy of the affair and thought their love was forbidden or some stupid ****. The meeting helped me more than I could ever imagine honestly, I was very thankful for it. She also expressed her appreciation for me telling her about it. We cried together cursed our spouses all of it. We talked for a few hours. The two officially have no contact and her husband already has interviews for different positions. My wife was blowing up my phone the whole time and I didn't respond. Told her I was going "out". It was nice to get all the facts.

Overall I feel better today but I'm sure I'll feel bad again tomorrow. She doesn't know if she wants to stay married yet and neither do I, both kind of in limbo. It was nice to have another woman tell me I'm attractive and didn't deserve the selfish bull**** between our idiot partners. My wife tickle truth the **** out of me and now I want to stay with her even less. If I ever get the chance I'm going to **** the other mans wife (if we both divorce) and I'm sure it'll be the best revenge **** ever. Sorry, I'm still filled with anger more than sadness. I love my wife still but I have decisions to make. She said she wants to fight for our marriage and is willing "to do anything." I've also ignored my wife since I got home, if she can't tell me the truth then whatever.

Any advice on what do I do next?
So you do know it was a PA when the OMW exposed it to you. You're not that far from D-Day, so you need to do the 180, not as a weapon, but for yourself to help you detach. Only then can you decide whether to attempt R, or pull the trigger on D. But one thing is for sure, NC can NEVER be maintained as long as they work together. Either she quits or OM quits. There is no other way if you're going to entertain ANY ideas of R. Its up to you. But at this point, she hasn't even given you full disclosure yet, you had to find that out from the OMW.

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post #117 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 12:41 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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I met with the OM's wife. She was nice, caring, pretty. If we weren't married I would of asked her out on a date haha, she made a remark about how she'd totally date me if she wasn't married (nice ego boost). Anyway she had all the texts emails and love letters printed out. She had a complete timeline of the whole affair, yes it was physical. The affair started as a flirtation and increased from there. She's an attorney and a pretty good one from what I've seen. The affair went on for 6 months and it started getting physical around month 3. There was no mention of them leaving their spouses, it seems as if they got off on the secrecy of the affair and thought their love was forbidden or some stupid ****. The meeting helped me more than I could ever imagine honestly, I was very thankful for it. She also expressed her appreciation for me telling her about it. We cried together cursed our spouses all of it. We talked for a few hours. The two officially have no contact and her husband already has interviews for different positions. My wife was blowing up my phone the whole time and I didn't respond. Told her I was going "out". It was nice to get all the facts.

Overall I feel better today but I'm sure I'll feel bad again tomorrow. She doesn't know if she wants to stay married yet and neither do I, both kind of in limbo. It was nice to have another woman tell me I'm attractive and didn't deserve the selfish bull**** between our idiot partners. My wife tickle truth the **** out of me and now I want to stay with her even less. If I ever get the chance I'm going to **** the other mans wife (if we both divorce) and I'm sure it'll be the best revenge **** ever. Sorry, I'm still filled with anger more than sadness. I love my wife still but I have decisions to make. She said she wants to fight for our marriage and is willing "to do anything." I've also ignored my wife since I got home, if she can't tell me the truth then whatever.

Any advice on what do I do next?
You may love your wife but you can do better. Now she wants to give your marriage a chance? The only reason you want to stay together is because of the bond. Wait, let the bond dies and it will either way, and you will be thinking clearly and you will see what a raw deal you are getting. She wants to stay together because the lifestyle you have built. She may say she still loves you but what did her actions show you about that love. The thing probably only slowed down because the other man's wife found out.

You're only 42 years old, that is a lot of life to live with someone who stabbed you in you heart.

Also if you stick around be prepared for years of pain and suffering. If you move on it takes about a year or two. Some who stick around never really get over it. Just some things to think about that no one will tell you but you can see it if you read the boards. And I suggest you read the boards. They will give you a good idea of what people are feeling in R, and after D. It is harder to heal waking up to the person who triggers you every day.

Also remember if you R you R with the woman who cheated on you for 6 months, not the woman you were married to that women doesn't exist.

Finally this may not be her first rodeo, people who do this kid of stuff usually have poor boundaries and they don't just creep in. I would talk to the friend who tipped you off too. I bet she will tell you a lot more about your wife that you don't know. Again I think she tipped you off because she knew a a lot of what was going on and couldn't take it anymore.

I know you want someone to give you hope, but your hope may not be found in a woman who could lie to your face, the father of her children for 6 months. And then turn on a dime when her circumstances changed.

There is hope, but maybe not with her.

One more thing read your first post again. Look how she took your devotion to her an used it to take advantage of you. You are going to need to remember that because she is going to be trying to do the same thing again, now with trying to get you to rug-sweep this.

I suggest you kill the devotion, she doesn't deserve it.

Last edited by sokillme; 01-17-2017 at 01:03 AM.
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post #118 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 01:45 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Cam, if future circumstances allowed you to date the OM's wife, and you're both unhinged at that point, then date her. Have sex with her. But (and I get you're in rage mode right now) don't even joke about calling it a "revenge f**k." Considering what she's done for you, that's amazingly disrespectful to her and to your mission.

Posters here no doubt are going to tell me to cut you slack, but this whole thing is going to go down based on where your head is always at and how you play your cards. Just keep that in mind, please.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #119 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 02:58 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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I met with the OM's wife. She was nice, caring, pretty. If we weren't married I would of asked her out on a date haha, she made a remark about how she'd totally date me if she wasn't married (nice ego boost). Anyway she had all the texts emails and love letters printed out. She had a complete timeline of the whole affair, yes it was physical. The affair started as a flirtation and increased from there. She's an attorney and a pretty good one from what I've seen. The affair went on for 6 months and it started getting physical around month 3. There was no mention of them leaving their spouses, it seems as if they got off on the secrecy of the affair and thought their love was forbidden or some stupid ****. The meeting helped me more than I could ever imagine honestly, I was very thankful for it. She also expressed her appreciation for me telling her about it. We cried together cursed our spouses all of it. We talked for a few hours. The two officially have no contact and her husband already has interviews for different positions. My wife was blowing up my phone the whole time and I didn't respond. Told her I was going "out". It was nice to get all the facts.

Overall I feel better today but I'm sure I'll feel bad again tomorrow. She doesn't know if she wants to stay married yet and neither do I, both kind of in limbo. It was nice to have another woman tell me I'm attractive and didn't deserve the selfish bull**** between our idiot partners. My wife tickle truth the **** out of me and now I want to stay with her even less. If I ever get the chance I'm going to **** the other mans wife (if we both divorce) and I'm sure it'll be the best revenge **** ever. Sorry, I'm still filled with anger more than sadness. I love my wife still but I have decisions to make. She said she wants to fight for our marriage and is willing "to do anything." I've also ignored my wife since I got home, if she can't tell me the truth then whatever.

Any advice on what do I do next?
The sad truth that cheaters cannot grasp is that Rocky and Bulwinkle were only cartoon characters and that the Wayback machine doesn't exist and that the WS cannot travel back through time to stop themselves from cheating.

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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #120 of 1159 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 07:41 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Or.......say nothing to your wife for five days, I'll bet the house again she confronts you about meeting OM's wife. Hmm golly gee whiz, how would she know you two met?? Sorry my sadistic side is beginning to emerge... You could also create a fake email, attach a page of texts, send it to you and your wife, then ask if her if it's true? Or buy a burner phone and text screenshots of some of the texts to both yours and your wife's phones, then send a text from the same burner phone saying you have more to share. Your wife will go running to OM, OM will call his wife, she'll deny it truthfully and then send more later on. Just an idea on how to get her disheveled and level the playing field in your favor. If you want to shake her even more let me know, I can pm some even better ways to you.
I like this. Not only because its evil, great, and what she deserves but also has an element of a test. You will know if she talks to OM. Decision becomes very easy. You can even use that moment the texts come in to make her write out a timeline on the spot for comparison to what you know.
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