As always, @Spicy
's words are cooling balm to an angry heart.
Yes, this sucks. I am so sorry that you are here. I have been watching your thread for a little while now; and my heart hurts for you and your children. Living in the same house and trying to responsibly parent children with someone who had betrayed me was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I can tell you this – you’re going to be OK. Someday you’ll be able to think of your wife and not feel this horrendous emotional c0cktail of rage, hurt, love, sorrow, disbelief… (8 months in and I’m not there yet. But I am better than I could have imagined 8 months ago.)
I got a lot of advice on TAM – some of it was directly useful and some of it simply served to crystallize my own thoughts. I have summarized the 3 things that I think I would have found most helpful at the same point where you are now: 1. Choose your actions carefully.
Your wife has hurt you in a despicable, shameful, cowardly way. But do not let your pain (or some of the more extreme posters here) goad you into being someone you are not. Some of the advice that you are being given concerns me greatly. (If only for the place of sheer venom and rage from which it clearly comes.) Your wife is the mother of your children, she will be in your life (in one way or another) indefinitely. Do what you need to do, having carefully considered the consequences of your actions. Ensure that your motives are about protecting your family and your own healing. In my opinion, trying to get revenge on your wife by hurting, humiliating or manipulating her is not constructive or in the best interests of your children. 2. You don’t have to decide on the future of your marriage right now.
I strongly recommend that you don't try and decide right now what your permanent position should be.
In the first few months after D-Day, my marriage felt like a long, deep, dark canyon with only one exit looming immediately. Leave now or be stuck in this … forever. My key realization was that I could actually walk away at any point in the future if I was unable to get over what my husband had done. I chose to pursue reconciliation because of my specific circumstances and my husband’s demonstrated remorse and willingness to commit whatever he had to. In different circumstances, I would have chosen differently. I know now that I didn’t have enough emotional stability and objectivity right after D-Day to make any long-term decision until the dust had settled.
In the future, you may choose to try and reconcile with your wife. You may choose to divorce. Each of these is a valid choice. Each of these is a painful choice. You will find advocates for both here on TAM, but none of them knows you, or your wife. There is much that must be weighed and many emotions that have to be worked through. 3. You should be working on your own healing right now.
Coming to terms with what your wife did to you and your family is going to take a while. You need support – both professional (therapy) and personal (friends or family). Go out and get it. Until I started talking to someone, I just bottled everything up and couldn’t decide between menu items, let alone what I should do next in my marriage.
Finally, the 180 is not about convincing your wife that you don’t give a sh1t. It is about YOU coming to realize that you don’t NEED her to be happy. After that, you can choose whether you WANT her in your life or just on the outskirts. And that is having true power in this awful situation.