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post #121 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 07:48 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Finally this may not be her first rodeo, people who do this kid of stuff usually have poor boundaries and they don't just creep in. I would talk to the friend who tipped you off too. I bet she will tell you a lot more about your wife that you don't know. Again I think she tipped you off because she knew a a lot of what was going on and couldn't take it anymore.
Exactly what I was thinking... Rarely is the affair that's caught, the first encountered.

When I caught my WW in a short EAPA with her college BF, she pleaded for mercy, explained how she got screwed up in the head and made a one-time mistake... Right?

She had been serially cheating on me for years.


I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
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post #122 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 07:50 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Her and her boyfriend will be coordinating stories at work, so if you're going to confront and look for holes in the story, now is the time to do it.

The first time a wayward goes to contact her boyfriend and is like "oh my god I must abide by the no contact letter!" will be the first. She's been lying all along, it just gives her something else to lie about.

It's not 100% she's lying, but the only way you'll find out is an in-depth interrogation (write / record EVERYTHING - remember it's not a court of law, this is YOUR call), a polygraph and an open everything (social media/email/passwords) policy. If you pause now then you're removing one of the only three things at your disposal (really the only one if you assume a polygraph isn't 100% and they can still communicate at work without electronic assistance)

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post #123 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 07:52 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Exactly what I was thinking... Rarely is the affair that's caught, the first encountered.

When I caught my WW in a short EAPA with her college BF, she pleaded for mercy, explained how she got screwed up in the head and made a one-time mistake... Right?

She had been serially cheating on me for years.
Turns out she was referring to getting caught.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #124 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 09:01 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Cam42

I apologize as this post may seem callous, but in reality I feel your pain and know exactly where you are standing. If you read this information given to you by the OM's BW you will firmly want to divorce. Your wife has lied on too many levels, the more you read the more you will resent and despise your wife. With them still working together the affair is still active. Unfortunately for you, the time to decide is now.

If you want to divorce, keep in mind you want her employed. If you choose reconciliation, you must threaten to expose AND distribute copies of your evidence to all family and friends. Your wife will not want this to get out, it will also clear out any fog that is remaining. If you do choose to reconcile, the only exposure I would do is to both your parents. I say this because family will stick by their respective son or daughter. None will be happy but always remember blood is thicker then water.

If you want to reconcile this is a must to eliminate any further contact. Expose to the employer, demand that they have no interaction, demand that they take action or you will consider a lawsuit. Just by announcing a lawsuit will put the company on edge. If one was the others supervisor you will have even more ground. Also file for divorce listing adultery and OM's name as the reason why. This could benefit you that your wife is not capable of making sound decisions that have positive repercussions to the family.

Personally, your wife blowing up your phone would have provoked my sadistic side, especially if you have asked for space. But I suspect she blew up your phone for one simple reason, OM told her you were meeting his wife. I would say you pretty much know they are still in contact. If you need time, tell your wife to take an emergency leave from work effective immediately. Contact must stop here and even though you say it's confirmed that it has stopped, I would say differently.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


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post #125 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 09:09 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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For my own sanity I know she was bull****ting me and I know she's been ****ing this guy. I don't want a divorce and I feel like a fool for that. This is my wife the mother of my kids, the woman who's been my best friend. I'm angry, so ****ing angry. I'm going to give her one more chance to come clean about the whole affair, I also know of a night in particular where I'm sure she met up with him somewhere. How am I going to get passed the fact that my wife was being physical with this *******? I need to be emotionally stronger here. I told the other man's wife. I feel so emotionally frustrated and sick **** I still love her and she said she still loves me. My wife had a ****ing boyfriend.
I can tell you exactly why she did this to you just based on your comments in case you are wondering.... She has no respect for you.

She KNOWS you are WEAK and CODEPENDENT and she KNEW you would swallow every bite of her home wrecking bvllsh!t sandwich.

If you can not see this is a slam dunk, file for divorce on this traitorous POS sloot of a wife immediately, situation then no one can help you.

She has no remorse, she's still lying to you and she banged another dude then smiled in your face. What it's going to take friend to wake your a$$ up?

This relationship is dead. SHE KILLED it, not you. Don't feel bad about rejecting her. As far as you are concerned, you're giving her what she wants.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou

Last edited by BetrayedDad; 01-17-2017 at 09:48 AM.
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post #126 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 09:31 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

any chance that the OM wife a divorce attorney? if she was and you decided to go down that track...talk about someone invested in your well being.
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post #127 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 09:32 AM
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Originally Posted by cam42 View Post
For my own sanity I know she was bull****ting me and I know she's been ****ing this guy. I don't want a divorce and I feel like a fool for that. This is my wife the mother of my kids, the woman who's been my best friend. I'm angry, so ****ing angry. I'm going to give her one more chance to come clean about the whole affair, I also know of a night in particular where I'm sure she met up with him somewhere. How am I going to get passed the fact that my wife was being physical with this *******? I need to be emotionally stronger here. I told the other man's wife. I feel so emotionally frustrated and sick **** I still love her and she said she still loves me. My wife had a ****ing boyfriend.
I can tell you exactly why she did this to you just based on your comments in case you are wondering.... She has no respect for you.

She KNOWS you are WEAK and CODEPENDENT and she KNEW you would take swallow her home wrecking bvllsh!t sandwich.

If you can not see this is a slam dunk, file for divorce on this traitorous POS sloot of a wife immediately then no one can help you.

She has no remorse, she still lying to you, she banged another dude then smiled in your face. What it's going to take friend to wake your a$$ up?

This relationship is dead. SHE KILLED it, not you. Don't feel bad about rejecting her. As far as you are concerned, you're giving her what she wants.
BD is on the money here, my wayward never expected me to file as I'm roman Catholic and it's not me. I did just that fast with no regrets. That was shock and awe to her with tears the lot.
The game of manipulation was over at that point.

How could he do this to me, me me me, all it was. That was the day I regained control.

Last edited by Danny4133; 01-17-2017 at 09:36 AM.
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post #128 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 09:48 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

First off you love who you thought your wife was. You want that woman and the marriage you thought you had back. Who wouldn't?

The problem is that it’s like an alien took over your wife’s body. Do you want that woman?

Quote:
Originally Posted by drifting on View Post
Cam42
If you want to divorce, keep in mind you want her employed. If you choose reconciliation, you must threaten to expose AND distribute copies of your evidence to all family and friends. Your wife will not want this to get out, it will also clear out any fog that is remaining.
I agree. But if you want to divorce do NOT expose. Keep that as an ace in the hole during divorce proceedings. Don’t say it overtly because that’s blackmail. Just use it as a motivator for her to keep you happy. A good divorce settlement will keep you happy. An unhappy husband might spill the beans. You can always expose after the divorce is final.

I always recommend to at least file for divorce. It can always be stopped. If you offer R too quickly or effortlessly then it sends a signal that what they did wasn’t so bad after all. If you're a good stable family man it can work against you. They think that at the end of the day you will calm down and never divorce them. If they thought about getting caught this gave them comfort during the affair. You need to prove them wrong by taking them to the edge of the cliff and making them look over.

Discuss the terms with her and let her get a good look at what divorce looks like.
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post #129 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 09:55 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

I have read this thread with such pain in my heart for you and for your three children. This is such shocking news, and has been thrown to you at nearly light speed level. I understand the posters here have tremendous experience, and have been through this already. That being said, I do believe every situation is different, and not all have to be dealt with exactly the same.

In the span of a week you found out your wife was dating, then you met the other mans wife (a huge thing in itself), found out from her that your wife was of course lying and it was a full blown physical affair. You have six little eyes watching you and mommy, trying to figure out what the heck is going on. You are trying to keep it together to be strong for them. Now, a lot of pressure from an online community to make swift decisions.

If this was me, I would need some space. I would need a breather to process all of this without having to look at or hear from her sk@nky ass. I think she should leave the home, and let you have some time to think. I think you should disclose the affair to her parents and then she should go stay with them or one of her lousy girlfriends that were covering for her. I don't think you should AT ALL leave the marital home or bed. She needs to be the one to leave. It's the least she can do. I would have no contact with her during the time period YOU deem necessary to process all of this, even if it takes you a very, very long time.

Though unlikely, there are situations where good people get caught up in a love affair at work. They can repent and turn around, and a marriage can be saved if that is what both parties want. Even if they got caught. People DO make huge mistakes, and spouses DO opt to forgive, and I have known of many to live successful married lives after that. IF this happens, you do have to know that it may always nag you for the rest of your life. You will also need counseling, both marital and spiritual, if you are religious people. And TIME, lots of time to make the decision to recommit to each other.

So I guess what I am saying is, that I agree with the 180, filing etc. I also agree with the idea of taking a moment to get your footing back under you. You already know she cheated. Whatever lie weaving may go on now doesn't matter. She's and adulterer. Plain and simple. You now have to decide what you, the innocent party wants to do next. You also have your three children to consider. That's a big piece of the puzzle no one is addressing thus far. We as parents all know what a HUGE factor staying together for kids ends up being, right or wrong...

Take this time to bond ever closer with your children, your parents, siblings and quality friends. Focus on your health, continue your work outs, eat great, sleep well. Do not get involved with the other mans wife, or any other women. A revenge romp won't do anyone any good. Focus on family, health and faith. Build yourself up strong. These things will all help you to make a better informed, wise decision. Rarely does a great decision come from a knee jerk reaction. Time is on your side. You hold all the cards my sweet friend. Take the time to decide the best way to play them. I wish you calm of heart and peace as soon as possible. Hugs from me to you and your babies. We here at TAM want to continue to support you through all of this sweetheart.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #130 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 10:44 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by RWB View Post
Exactly what I was thinking... Rarely is the affair that's caught, the first encountered.

When I caught my WW in a short EAPA with her college BF, she pleaded for mercy, explained how she got screwed up in the head and made a one-time mistake... Right?

She had been serially cheating on me for years.
Yah, his wife was pretty bold holding hands with her boyfriend in a public place near her social circle!
That comes from complacency; that was normal behavior for her.

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post #131 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:39 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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There was no mention of them leaving their spouses, it seems as if they got off on the secrecy of the affair and thought their love was forbidden or some stupid ****.
Some people value the relationship much more than sexual faithfulness. Men tend to care about the sex more and women tend to care more if “I love you” was exchanged but there are exceptions.

Once it all starts to settle in you may hear “but I never intended to leave you” like it’s a big deal. If they value the relationship much more sex then in their mind they were remaining faithful in the things that matter. It was only sex after all. They were never going to break up the family which is what you will be doing if you get a divorce. You will be the bad guy.
What you need to come back with is sure she never intended to leave you. She had you for security, stability and all the boring husband stuff and a boyfriend on the side. Why in the world would she want to leave you? Why should she get credit for that?
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post #132 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

She had to know that this would rip the heart out of you if you found out and she did it anyway. That should tell you all you need to know. I am firmly in the camp that if a WW is truly in love with her husband she would not, could not, have an affair.

She did this for one reason only - she wanted to **** the OM. You and the family DID NOT MATTER TO HER. All that mattered is her time with him.

She is sorry she got caught because now she has to stop the affair or take it underground. She is still selfishly thinking about herself only. If she is declaring she will do anything to save the marriage, that too is all about her, not you and the kids. The marriage you thought you had was her safe haven where she could rest up for her next encounter with her lover. You are Plan B. What she is now willing to settle for since she got caught and she knows you will be watching like a hawk.

And think about that. Can you ever trust her again? Do you want to play detective trying to catch her in the next affair for the rest of your life? Or is it better to dump her cheating azz and move on? She has clearly shown what she is capable of doing. Look at her actions, not her words.
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post #133 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:49 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Hello Cam

As always, @Spicy 's words are cooling balm to an angry heart.

Yes, this sucks. I am so sorry that you are here. I have been watching your thread for a little while now; and my heart hurts for you and your children. Living in the same house and trying to responsibly parent children with someone who had betrayed me was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I can tell you this – you’re going to be OK. Someday you’ll be able to think of your wife and not feel this horrendous emotional c0cktail of rage, hurt, love, sorrow, disbelief… (8 months in and I’m not there yet. But I am better than I could have imagined 8 months ago.)

I got a lot of advice on TAM – some of it was directly useful and some of it simply served to crystallize my own thoughts. I have summarized the 3 things that I think I would have found most helpful at the same point where you are now:

1. Choose your actions carefully.
Your wife has hurt you in a despicable, shameful, cowardly way. But do not let your pain (or some of the more extreme posters here) goad you into being someone you are not. Some of the advice that you are being given concerns me greatly. (If only for the place of sheer venom and rage from which it clearly comes.) Your wife is the mother of your children, she will be in your life (in one way or another) indefinitely. Do what you need to do, having carefully considered the consequences of your actions. Ensure that your motives are about protecting your family and your own healing. In my opinion, trying to get revenge on your wife by hurting, humiliating or manipulating her is not constructive or in the best interests of your children.

2. You don’t have to decide on the future of your marriage right now.
I strongly recommend that you don't try and decide right now what your permanent position should be.

In the first few months after D-Day, my marriage felt like a long, deep, dark canyon with only one exit looming immediately. Leave now or be stuck in this … forever. My key realization was that I could actually walk away at any point in the future if I was unable to get over what my husband had done. I chose to pursue reconciliation because of my specific circumstances and my husband’s demonstrated remorse and willingness to commit whatever he had to. In different circumstances, I would have chosen differently. I know now that I didn’t have enough emotional stability and objectivity right after D-Day to make any long-term decision until the dust had settled.

In the future, you may choose to try and reconcile with your wife. You may choose to divorce. Each of these is a valid choice. Each of these is a painful choice. You will find advocates for both here on TAM, but none of them knows you, or your wife. There is much that must be weighed and many emotions that have to be worked through.

3. You should be working on your own healing right now.
Coming to terms with what your wife did to you and your family is going to take a while. You need support – both professional (therapy) and personal (friends or family). Go out and get it. Until I started talking to someone, I just bottled everything up and couldn’t decide between menu items, let alone what I should do next in my marriage.

Finally, the 180 is not about convincing your wife that you don’t give a sh1t. It is about YOU coming to realize that you don’t NEED her to be happy. After that, you can choose whether you WANT her in your life or just on the outskirts. And that is having true power in this awful situation.
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post #134 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:51 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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any chance that the OM wife a divorce attorney? if she was and you decided to go down that track...talk about someone invested in your well being.
I like the way you think, but talk about a conflict of interest.
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post #135 of 1140 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:54 AM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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I have read this thread with such pain in my heart for you and for your three children. This is such shocking news, and has been thrown to you at nearly light speed level. I understand the posters here have tremendous experience, and have been through this already. That being said, I do believe every situation is different, and not all have to be dealt with exactly the same.

In the span of a week you found out your wife was dating, then you met the other mans wife (a huge thing in itself), found out from her that your wife was of course lying and it was a full blown physical affair. You have six little eyes watching you and mommy, trying to figure out what the heck is going on. You are trying to keep it together to be strong for them. Now, a lot of pressure from an online community to make swift decisions.

If this was me, I would need some space. I would need a breather to process all of this without having to look at or hear from her sk@nky ass. I think she should leave the home, and let you have some time to think. I think you should disclose the affair to her parents and then she should go stay with them or one of her lousy girlfriends that were covering for her. I don't think you should AT ALL leave the marital home or bed. She needs to be the one to leave. It's the least she can do. I would have no contact with her during the time period YOU deem necessary to process all of this, even if it takes you a very, very long time.

Though unlikely, there are situations where good people get caught up in a love affair at work. They can repent and turn around, and a marriage can be saved if that is what both parties want. Even if they got caught. People DO make huge mistakes, and spouses DO opt to forgive, and I have known of many to live successful married lives after that. IF this happens, you do have to know that it may always nag you for the rest of your life. You will also need counseling, both marital and spiritual, if you are religious people. And TIME, lots of time to make the decision to recommit to each other.

So I guess what I am saying is, that I agree with the 180, filing etc. I also agree with the idea of taking a moment to get your footing back under you. You already know she cheated. Whatever lie weaving may go on now doesn't matter. She's and adulterer. Plain and simple. You now have to decide what you, the innocent party wants to do next. You also have your three children to consider. That's a big piece of the puzzle no one is addressing thus far. We as parents all know what a HUGE factor staying together for kids ends up being, right or wrong...

Take this time to bond ever closer with your children, your parents, siblings and quality friends. Focus on your health, continue your work outs, eat great, sleep well. Do not get involved with the other mans wife, or any other women. A revenge romp won't do anyone any good. Focus on family, health and faith. Build yourself up strong. These things will all help you to make a better informed, wise decision. Rarely does a great decision come from a knee jerk reaction. Time is on your side. You hold all the cards my sweet friend. Take the time to decide the best way to play them. I wish you calm of heart and peace as soon as possible. Hugs from me to you and your babies. We here at TAM want to continue to support you through all of this sweetheart.


Great post, the calm in the storm. QFT

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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